by Stephen Gold

“More people leaving money for pets in their will”
—The Times

Dear Children,
Now that I’ve expired,
A moment you have long desired,
The time has come for you to know
The destination of my dough.

Though in life I fed and clothed you,
Truth to tell, I always loathed you.
So, I’ve left it all to Spot,
And you, my dears, get diddly-squat!

Loyal, steadfast, good and true
(None of which applies to you!),
The virtues of the saints abound
Within that lion-hearted hound.

I’ve tried to make this note concise,
But here’s a last piece of advice.
Pine not for what you never had.
The dog’s day’s come.
Best wishes,
Dad

by Marshall Begel

“Scientists propose warming up Mars by using heat-trapping ‘glitter’”
—Reuters

Spread glitter through the atmosphere to warm up planet Mars—
Just fill it with confetti and those sticky golden stars.
And soon enough, the ice will melt and life will find success,
While astronauts with children suffer post-traumatic stress.

by Nicole Caruso Garcia

“Starbucks brings back Pumpkin Spice Latte earlier than ever”
—CNN

(With apologies to Frost)

I have been one acquainted with the spice.
I have walked miles from chain to coffee chain.
I have imbibed it hot or over ice.

I have looked down at lattes sad and plain.
I have passed by the Starbucks on my street
And dropped six bucks, unwilling to abstain.

I have stood stumped at grocery shelves replete
With pumpkin Spam and pumpkin Pringles: Why?
And shunned them for my creamy coffee treat

Indulgent as my Lululemon’ed thigh;
An extra frill, at an unearthly price,
One insulated travel tumbler (sigh)

Proclaimed me hashtag blessed to sip this vice.
I have been one acquainted with the spice.

by Geoffrey Basking

“Sinner cleared of wrongdoing…”
—The Guardian

A conscience is a burden and
My own is far from clear,
So this decree from Tennisland
Is rather good to hear.

by Julia Griffin

“Man knocked out by whale tail whack while in small boat off Gold Coast
Queensland police say the man remained in his tinny after the whale hit him in waters near Coolangatta …
[He] didn’t know the whale was there until it appeared in front of him.”
—The Guardian

Man knocked out by whale tail whack,
Sitting in his tinny:
Didn’t see the whale, till smack!
(It was not a mini.)
Whale surprised by man head sound.
“Here in Coolangatta,”
Whale opined, “I think I’ve found
Prompts for a toccata.”

Man now conscious, doing fine,
Saved by paramedics
Though with pain traversing spine
And some nasty hedics.
Whale below provides its tail
Rest and relaxation;
Meantime pectorals regale
Friends with syncopation.

by Jerome Betts

“Kamala Harris pledges to ‘chart a new way forward’ as she accepts nomination”
—The Guardian

All hail the victorious Veep
Confronting an odious creep!
May the heir of Joe B
Defeat DJT
The nightmare disturbing our sleep.

by Nora Jay

“All eyes on America’s ‘blue wall’ as Harris scrambles to woo key voters”
—The Guardian

Alarm seized Winfrey, Walz, and all
As Harris, sans preamble,
Forgot America’s blue wall,
And set off at a scramble.

It looked a touch undignified
(The Fox gang called it “kooky”),
But soon the rumors multiplied:
She’d spied a passing Wookey.

So much is spent to court so few:
Such sums on vain promoting!
I know already, as do you,
For whom we will be voting;

The die was cast a long time since:
It’s positively flukey
To meet a soul one might convince;
And hence the power of Wookey.

Those happy few, that merry band,
Unfixed in their positions,
Who can appreciate, or stand,
A range of politicians:

Those shining sitters on the fence:
Don’t call them strange or spooky;
With luck we’ll praise, some four months hence,
This scramble to the Wookey.

by Alex Steelsmith

Amateur fossil hunter Eddie Templeton’s “latest discovery may be the most unexpected…
[T]he tusk belonged to a Columbian mammoth… a first-of-its-kind find for the region.”
—CNN

Luckily, pluckily,
Eddie the amateur
picked up a fossil that’s
one of a kind.

Even professional
paleontologists
never expected so
mammoth a find.

by Marshall Begel

“To divert focus from atrocities on women, Taliban want outsiders to visit Afghanistan
for beautiful landscapes, food & hospitality”
—India Today

Come take the road that’s traveled least—
The theocratic Middle East!
Where Afghan history is kept
By Taliban decree, except:

Those Buddhist relics, we destroyed ’em,
Enlightened women, we avoid ’em,
Our civic neighbors, we annoyed ’em,
Professors… well, we unemployed ’em.

So book one of our roomy flights—
But please don’t mention human rights!

by Julia Griffin

“The scientists found that human aging does not happen in a gradual, linear way. Rather, the majority
of the molecules they studied showed accelerated, non-linear changes at the ages of 44 and 60.”
—CNN

Till I was forty-four years old, my molecules
Were youthful; ditto for my tresses’ folecules;
And then, with no forewarning or compunction,
Both started mitochondrial dysfunction.
I started graying and I started aging,
With damaged DNA and autophaging;
And then it all went quiet, till last autumn:
Time’s germs are loose, and now again I’ve caught ’em.
This year, to grow non-linearly older
Means less to grey and rather more to molder,
With age’s agents’ frightful inundation:
Beware spontaneous deamination!
What’s the next milestone? Science seems divided.
I’d hate to go before my time’s decided.

by Simon MacCulloch

“Energy bills to rise for millions this winter”
—The Sun

“Advanced alien civilisations, if they exist, could satisfy the energy needs of their home planet by
migrating near miniature black holes and trapping the potentially unlimited energy around them …
[A black hole] can be maintained by throwing small amounts of matter into it…”
—The Independent

Looking for a small black hole to tap the power round it?
There’s lots of them to choose from and you’ll know it when you’ve found it.
You have to bring some matter—say, a poem—to throw in, though;
They advertise themselves quite widely—search “Submissions Window.”

by Steven Kent

“Players using toy claw game surprised by live groundhog among stuffed animals”
—The Guardian

My cousin, Punxsutawney Phil, each year will make the news,
The biggest headline whore you ever saw,
And yet, between the two of us, who’s really paid some dues?
A shadow? Buddy, please—I faced the claw!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Switching off from job boosts productivity…”
—BBC

I take a break from working
Whenever I have time;
It makes me more productive—
It’s how I wrote this rhyme.

by Bruce Bennett

“For six years, [penguins] Sphen and Magic were devoted partners, adoptive parents
and queer icons. After Sphen died this month at age 11, Magic began singing.”
—The New York Times

Magic’s singing over Sphen.
Tell me, people, where or when
penguin grief could move us more?
Love is love and will endure.

Love is love, so let us praise
all the creatures, all the ways
Love exalts, again, again!
Magic’s singing over Sphen.

by Stephen Gold

“It may seem pretty unfair, but ugly people’s lives are shorter.”
—The Times

“What a piece of work is man.”
Although it’s oft been said,
Alas, it’s never said of me,
That’s why I’ll soon be dead.

I’m hunched of back, grotesque of eye,
My broken teeth are yellow.
You’ll hear no cry as I pass by,
“Oh! What a handsome fellow!”

Now tolls the bell to bid farewell,
And go to join the dodo.
If looks can kill,
It seems they will.
Yours ever,
Quasimodo.