by Dan Campion
“Voyager 1 spacecraft phones home with transmitter that hasn’t been used since 1981”
—Space.com
As far as that transmitter knows,
It’s Ronald Reagan’s year
To speak in presidential prose
That soothes the nation’s ear.
Dear NASA, please, for heaven’s sake,
Don’t let it know of MAGA!
Its old, awakened heart may break.
Then, farewell, cosmic saga.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Drunk animals far more common than previously thought, scientists say”
—The Independent
Drunk elephants, well-oiled non-human apes,
Intoxicated pen-tailed tree-shrews, moose
Vamoosing tipsily, and rats who traipse
Erratically on alcoholic juice
Reveal it’s nature’s nature to abhor
Sobriety. This diverse coterie
Evolved a drinking habit long before
Commercial vineyards: drinking had to be
Of some survival benefit … In flies,
The jilted male can drink his sorrows, and
Eggs females lay when drunk stint fewer guys …
Research concludes it’s time to understand,
Inebriation’s not a human trait
Exclusively—all beasts self-medicate!
*Using the alternative pronunciation in both OED and Merriam-Webster
by Bruce Bennett
“This Toad Is So Tiny That They Call It a Flea”
—The New York Times
A “toadlet” the size of an ant
That sounds like a cricket? One can’t
Imagine the sizes
Of Nature’s surprises,
Whether extinct or extant!
by Chris O’Carroll
“The love in that room, it was breathtaking. It was like a lovefest, an absolute lovefest.”
–Donald Trump on his Madison Square Garden rally
He threw some paper towels at Puerto Rico
To offer helpful hurricane relief.
Now MAGA scorns a floating pile of garbage.
Their hate speech lovefest was beyond belief.
One Caribbean island gobbles house pets,
A different “shithole” Trump fans love to hate,
And Puerto Rico merits its own insults
From patriots who make our country great.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Simple test helps gauge signs of aging in people 50 and over… [Those] who can stand on one leg
for 30 seconds are aging gracefully… a new study finds.”
—UPI
Teetering, tottering,
quinquagenarians
ought to start one-legged
balancing? Yup,
those who can master it
biomechanically
incontrovertibly
have a leg up.
by Marshall Begel
“[Pizza Hut] built a diminutive pop-up in New York City to celebrate
the personal pan pizza”
—The Washington Post
Nostalgic folks can get a treat
From when The Hut was boss—
In tiny restaurants, complete
With bland tomato sauce.
The single-seated vinyl booth
And stained-glass logo lights
Return me to my days of youth,
With crushing, lonely nights.
by Steven Kent
“Some MAGA men seem to think women don’t have rights–starting with their wives”
—op-ed in The Guardian
We do our manly duty (please take note)
When ladies look to us to guide their vote.
A choice? A voice? The gentle sex won’t need ’em
As long as we’re right here to fight their for freedom!
by Marshall Begel
“”How many homeowners think their house is haunted? A majority, survey finds…
thanks to eerie things like unusual sounds and flickering lights…”
—Yahoo!News
When someone in a house expires,
Their ghost may linger in its wires
Telling you about their plight
Through flickers of electric light.
Or some may settle in the plumbing,
Banging, rattling or humming
Stories of a troubled spirit,
In hopes someone alive will hear it.
Despite the fuss, I stay undaunted,
Living in a house that’s “haunted.”
I’d rather deal with minor scares
Than face the thought of home repairs.
by Steven Kent
“‘It’s quite galling’: children’s authors frustrated by rise in celebrity-penned titles”
—The Guardian
Keith Richards wrote a children’s book?
That market needs some narrowin’.
His editors took one good look
And laughed, “We spell it heroine.”
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“A quick guide to swing state Michigan”
—BBC
I think I better make it clear
To readers here in the UK,
A swing state in America
Is one which could vote either way.
It doesn’t mean that Michigan
Is where to go on holiday
To meet with other couples who
Are “open-minded,” shall we say.
by Erika Fine
When he claimed that his fame
Meant a crotch was “fair game,”
It should have been over then.
When he mocked a reporter
With an inborn disorder,
It should have been over then.
When he said he is better than
A brave “loser” veteran,
It should have been over then.
When synagogue goers
Were brutally slain,
He whined that his hairdo
Was wrecked by the rain.
It should have been over then.
He sought votes—artificial!—
From a Georgia official.
It should have been over then.
He did not stop his gang
When they said Pence should HANG.
It should have been over then.
When he vilified Haitians
With absurd accusations,
It should have been over then.
He’s deceitful, uncivil,
With his grievance-filled drivel.
It should have been over by now.
And yet here we are.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Prickly mayor [of Plettenberg in North Rhine-Westphalia] bans cactus plants
in buildings… after a man [injured] himself on a cactus…”
—Sky News
Far away, a journalistic
pundit read the news, and quickly,
finding it paternalistic,
called the mayor in question prickly.
Surely, from a potted cactus
government need not protactus.
by Julia Griffin
“Cockatoo rescued after ‘living on brioche’ for four weeks inside Sydney supermarket
NSW environment minister hopes ‘Mickey will be flying free by tomorrow’ after successful
capture by wildlife services”
—The Guardian
The Sydney supermarket cockatoo
Flies free at last. All I can say is, Gosh;
How has it kept itself so buoyant through
Four weeks’ worth of Australian brioche?
by Stephen Gold
“[New Zealand] Airport sets three-minute limit on hugs”
—The Times
The hour has come to part, dear,
And bid our last goodbye.
Sweet longing fills my heart, dear.
Time flies, and so must I.
Alas, we must be chaste, dear,
Though kisses are divine,
Or else we will be chased, dear,
For holding up the line.
As deep emotion swells, dear,
We drain the bitter cup,
Just as some killjoy yells, dear,
Now move along! Time’s up!