by Chris O’Carroll

“Bank of Ireland has issued an apology following a recent technical glitch that permitted
certain customers to withdraw funds exceeding their account balances”
—The Economic Times

Execs say they’re sorry, but we’re saying thanks
For letting the leprechauns manage the banks.

by Bryan Hendrix

“Trump: Report on Monday Will Result in ‘Complete Exoneration’ in Georgia”
–The Hill

(Apologies to Howard Johnson and Theodore Morse (“M-O-T-H-E-R”))

E is for ELECTION that was STOLEN!
X is for X-PREZ but NOT FOR LONG!
O is for OH, LOOK HOW HIGH I’M POLLIN’!
N is for the NOTHING I DID WRONG!
E is for my EVIDENCE, EXTENSIVE!
R’s for I’ll REVEAL it RIGHT AWAY!
A is for ATTORNEYS are EXPENSIVE!
T is for THANK GOD I never pay!
E’s for EVIDENCE is OVERRATED!
D is for DELAY’s the best DEFENSE!
WHAT’S THAT SPELL? It spells EXONERATED!
(But if I’m not, I’ll blame it all on PENCE!)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“World famous Soho club where people pay £3,000 to see saucy acts has its licence extended”
—MyLondon

The news will raise morale among the artists,
Who faced the threat of closure for a spell,
And maybe raise some eyebrows in the district,
And maybe raise some other things as well.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Michigan woman finds live frog in package of spinach… ‘Just thank god I didn’t eat the frog,’ she said.”
—UPI

Ribbety riddledy,
swallowed amphibia
likely won’t kill you, but
still aren’t a joke;

never mind people who
unsympathetically
say with a smirk that they
hope you don’t croak.

by Claudia Gary

“Fidgeting is often seen as rude or an indication that someone is not concentrating.
But if these simple movements are beneficial for our health, maybe they should be indulged…”
—BBC

Although I fidget to extract
peak health from stressors soaring,
this doesn’t change the awkward fact
that some of you are boring.

by Dan Campion

“Scientists Recreate Pink Floyd Song by [Scanning] Brain Signals of Listeners”
—The New York Times

Long live Pink Floyd. But why not Bach?
Poulenc? Ravel? Satie?
Not that I don’t love classic rock;
But scan my Debussy!

by Brian Allgar

“A Japanese dog lover who achieved internet fame by dressing head to toe in a bespoke collie costume…
transforms into the collie once a week … His antics were seemingly well-received in the video of him
walking on all fours in a park by passers-by and other dogs, who seemed inquisitive above all else.”
—Daily Mail

He had a Collie costume made,
And wore it once a week.
He roamed the park, he barked and bayed,
Which drew a canine clique.

And in the manner of their kind,
They greeted him on sight,
But when they sniffed at his behind,
It didn’t smell quite right.

by Marshall Begel

“Shortest Workout Ever: 3 Seconds of Exercise 3 Times a Week Grows Muscle”
—ScienceAlert

“Petting other people’s dogs, even briefly, can boost your health”
—NPR

That 3-second workout became such a slog,
So now I just look for a neighborhood dog.
By giving old Rover a wink and a nod,
I’m still on my way to a beautiful bod!

by Gail White

“Barbie passes $1 billion in ticket sales”
—YouTube

I do not need a bright pink car.
I do not need a guy like Ken,
a smiling plastic movie star.
In point of fact, I don’t need men.

I have escaped Mattel’s embrace,
like Socrates, whose mind was freed
by walking through the marketplace
to see how much he didn’t need.

by Stephen Gold

“Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are experiencing growing pains finding a path to… success in Hollywood.”
—People

(With apologies to Kipling)

If you can’t spend a day without complaining
That someone in your family’s a rat;
If you behave as though it’s always raining
In your palatial, sun-drenched habitat;
If common sense does not prevent you whining
About the tragic burden of your load,
Or noticing your vacuous opining
Is why you’re running out of gilded road;
If you portray yourselves as two uplifters,
Whose mission is to stir our mortal soul,
But are dismissed as just a pair of grifters,
A waste of time and money on the whole;
If you can’t see that much you have been given
Has less to do with merit than dumb luck,
Don’t be surprised so many have been driven
To look at you and think, “Who gives a fuck?”

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“Overworked and Underpaid, VFX [visual-effects] Workers Vote to Unionize at Marvel”
—Vulture

VFX crews unionize!
Historic! Unforgettable!
If Marvel fails to meet their terms,
Will Hulk look simply Credible?

by Matt Schatz

“I think it’s only a matter of time before AI will
be able to beat any writer in a blind creative taste test”
—Time

(With apologies to Kilmer)

I think AI could never be
A TV writer good as me.

A guy who says, “I’m so deprest”
While dripping eel sauce on his chest;

A scribe who stares at screens all day,
And lifts his arms and screams, “Oy vey;”

A man that may in summer wear
That viral sweater from The Bear;

Something something writer’s block;
Who rents a place in Eagle Rock.

Scripts are made by fools like me,
AI can 3D print a tree.

by Marshall Begel

“Woman [with hyperlactation syndrome] sets world record for largest individual breast milk donation”
—Scripps News

Some heroes fight fires or safeguard the law,
But this one employs a maternity bra.

When faced with the prospect of hyperlactation,
She pledged that her excess would go for donation!

Her time and convenience were never an issue,
And neither were aches in her mammary tissue.

For she knew the need and that giving a lot’ll
Sustain countless babies who still take a bottle.

She filled up containers, from tumbler to liter,
And broke the world record—no woman could beat her!

And now she is done and can hang up her pump—
Until she starts showing her next baby bump!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Jon Rahm’s ‘crazy’ request for the PGA Tour…”
—CNN

When you’re a two-time major champ, you know
A grasp of irons number one and two
Need not imply an iron bladder, though
The PGA’s expecting it of you.
If chased all day by fans of golf, your sport,
No bush is safe for you to pee behind.
Good money’s nice, but when you’re taken short,
A tee-tee, not the tee, is on your mind.
The fans who pan the drive that hits the rough
Excoriate your stance: “Too tightly crossed
Encumbered legs.” Since you can’t pee enough,
The bladder’s where the lead you had is lost …
Executives of PGA, have soul—
Erect a porta-potty at each hole!

by Steven Kent

“Rudy Giuliani Transcripts in Full: Read Text of Shocking Conversations”
—Newsweek

“Bigoted, antisemitic, gross: Rudy Giuliani finds an even lower low”
—The Guardian

The Red Sea parted, right? Big deal!
So why relive it? What a bore.
This happened many times before
(I don’t have proof, but know it’s real).

Your t*ts are mine—I love those things—
But though you’re sexy and have smarts,
Forget the union of our hearts;
Just hit the floor and spread your wings.

Matt Damon’s short and he likes men.
Believe me, Jewish husbands shrink.
Italian guys? The best, I think—
We’ll do it time and time again.

My reputation may be gone,
But frankly I don’t give a damn.
Girl, you know what a stud I am—
Hey, why’s that tape recorder on?