by Steven Kent
“Belgian man whose body makes its own alcohol cleared of drunk-driving”
—The Guardian
It’s bottoms up, my friends;
This party never ends.
The syndrome that I’ve got
Means I can do a “shot”
At work, home, or a club—
The world is one big pub!
by Julia Griffin
“The Simpsons has killed off beloved character Larry the Barfly after 35 years”
—Digital Spy
“Larry was—around”
—Moe’s regular Carl Carlson
He sat out half the journey of man’s life
At Moe’s. He liked Duff beer (so we assume).
He had no other pleasures, job, or wife
We know of—just an aged mother whom
We met (quite awkward) at his funeral,
Thanking his friends: Carl, Lenny, Homer, Moe.
They did show up, though clearly it took all
Stern Marge’s will to make her husband go
On Larry’s final road trip, with his urn.
Then what? No sooner had the poor late slob
Been burned than matters took a comic turn,
With fake cops, stolen jewels, and the Mob.
At least he reached Serenity. Sleep sound,
Old pal. As Carl observed, you were—around.
by Julia Griffin
“Seven men and five women have been chosen to sit on the jury in the ex-president’s
hush-money trial. Here’s what we know”
—The Guardian
J 1: works in sales; married; childless; BA.
J 2: MBA; in investments; well-read.
J 3: west-coast lawyer; late 20s (some say);
J 4: two-time juror; unbiased (he’s said).
J 5: youthful; unlike her friends, lacks strong views;
J 6: works in tech; single; swears to be fair;
J 7: kids; lawyer; reads wide range of news;
J 8: strong opinions, won’t prejudge (he’ll swear).
J 9: knows no law; lives alone; Garden State.
J 10: listens only to podcasts on Psych.
J number 11: likes comedy, late.
J 12: favors sports and religion alike.
Twelve jurors, all good and officially true,
To judge Donald Trump. Just be glad they’re not you.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Outside of his historic first criminal trial, Trump’s supporters ask: Who among us hasn’t paid for sex?”
—The Independent
An interesting question, but it always seemed to me
That Donald’s point was that a star like him could get it free.
by Stephen Gold
For the worldwide Jewish nation,
Pesach’s time for celebration
Of our joyous liberation.
But we suffer grave privation,
To our constant consternation,
As the annual abnegation
Of our fiber allocation
Always leads to constipation
In the whole damn congregation!
by Alex Steelsmith
“An escaped racehorse made its way to a train station… before attempting to board a train…”
—UPI
Here’s how the
incident
might be ex-
plained:
Sometimes an
animal
needs to be
trained.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Secrets of the humbling, many-hearted octopus”
—National Geographic
The many-hearted octopus
Is also blessed with many brains:
It generates domestic fuss
By sliding up the pipes of drains.
The octopus’s braininess
Is hard for us to comprehend;
We lack the skill to self-compress
Enough to climb a U-shaped bend.
But, granting that its mental span
Exceeds the cleverest of us,
Let’s humbly pity (all we can)
A broken-hearted octopus.
by Marshall Begel
“Mocking the Abrdn name is ‘corporate bullying’, says chief investment officer.
Peter Branner accuses press of making ‘childish jokes’ about rebrand,
which would not be acceptable if firm was a person”
—The Guardian
No wdgies, ngies, snpping towls—
We bully by deltng vowls.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“A stressful job could stave off dementia, according to new analysis”
—Daily Mail
What helps arrest the progress of dementia,
Before it has a chance to do its worst,
Is less the stressful job that keeps you thinking,
And more the heart attack that kills you first.
by Julia Griffin
“Brazilian woman arrested after taking corpse to sign bank loan: ‘She knew he was dead’
“This is the last straw … This goes beyond all limits because there can be no doubt … about
the difference between a living person and a dead person,” [a journalist] said.”
—The Guardian
LP: warm body temperature; veins pulsing; blood at work.
DP: pervasive chilliness; internal bits on hold.
LP: spleen working; bladder filling; limbs inclined to jerk.
DP: no growth (save hair and nails); skin (have I mentioned?) cold.
LP: emotion; memory; a tendency to aches.
DP: quiescence; stiffness; similarity to wax.
LP: responsibilities; fatigue, for goodness’ sakes!
DP: sequestered property; immunity to tax.
LP: infection forming; self-propulsion; joy and pain.
DP: no phlegm; no itch; no bruises; eyeballs turned to blanks.
LP: warm heart (for good or bad); (likewise) responding brain.
DP: no fear of death; some fear of fraudulence in banks.
LP: I know the difference! I prefer to be this way.
DP: What I prefer, and know, I do not choose to say.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Let’s stop talking about ‘great’ Britain—and rebrand ourselves as a different sort of country.”
—The Guardian
The problem with being ‘Great’ Britain:
We struggle to chew what we’ve bitten—
A grand leading role
From equator to pole,
A lion’s share claimed by a kitten.
by Marshall Begel
“‘It’s like staring at demons,’ [says man with] a rare condition called prosopometamorphopsia…
in which parts of the faces of other people appear distorted…”
—CNN
Seemingly—dreamingly—screamingly
Typical Tennessee resident
Stricken with psychopathology
Sees every face as bizarre.
Burdened with agoraphobia,
He sought assistance from experts, but
Neuroanatomy specialists
Haven’t made progress, so far.
Could it be, in a world spellbound by
Megalomaniacs, those who have
Prosopometamorphopsia
Recognize things as they are?
* Editors’ note: As far as we know, “Mephistophelian Countenance” is the first triple dactyl ever published in Light (or anywhere)!
by Steven Kent
“Bad omens and deep state lunacy: solar eclipse brings wave of memes”
—The Guardian
The rapture’s nigh! Beware, the Deep State acts!
These planetary signs mean earth’s destruction!
Conspiracies and fables, absent facts,
Resist all Occam’s Razor-ish reduction.
False prophets on the Net predict our doom
While hucksters reap true profits, easy money,
From those who aren’t the smartest in the room—
Apocalypse aside, it’s weirdly funny.
by Julia Griffin
For Mary
“A Stork, a Fisherman and Their Unlikely Bond Enchant Turkey
Thirteen years ago, a stork landed on a fisherman’s boat looking for food. He has come back
every year since, drawing national attention. … “Nature doesn’t have much space for emotions,”
[a Turkish ornithologist] said. “For the stork, it is a matter of easy food. …”
“It is just to love an animal,” said [the fisherman]. “They are God’s creatures.”
—The New York Times
Their bond, originally fish,
Has changed and deepened, some believe,
Though experts scoff that this is wish-
Ful thinking. Do we self-deceive
In thinking that a man and stork,
Although so different in physique,
Might share a link immune to fork,
And insusceptible to beak?
For thirteen years, much written of,
These two have trysted. Something grows
Between them, which the man calls “love.”
The stork says nothing. But he knows.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Amol Rajan pledges to drop his ‘haitches’ in favour of ‘aitch’ in pronunciation [kerfuffle]”
—The Independent
A quizmaster’s aitch variation
Irked viewers. He promised cessation.
That haitch on TV
Caused this paradox: He
Has aspired to have no aspiration!