by Marshall Begel

“Apartment complex bills woman who died $15,000 for breaking her lease”
—Local 12 News

That little amount that you’ve managed to save?
It’s true that you can’t take it into the grave,
But not for the sake of the proverb’s intent—
It’s landlords demanding full payment of rent.

The hot water’s icy, repairs are postponed.
The maintenance manager always looks stoned.
But people must pay on apartments they’ve leased,
No matter if hospitalized or deceased.

So read the fine print of all contracts you sign—
Your death might incur an additional fine.
And landlords are willing to pillage and plunder
Remains of their tenants who’ve moved six feet under.

by Stephen Gold

“In a sign that Spain is going off dating apps, men and women of all ages are
said to be searching for partners in the supermarket chain Mercadona.”
—The Times

In downtown Garcia, José and Maria
Decided to shop for a mate.
They bumped in the aisle.
He asked, with a smile,
“Would you like to go on a date?”

“¡Ay no!” gasped Maria. “The very idea
Consumes me with feelings of dread.
One glance at your trolley
Has shown me the folly
Of risking a night in your bed.

I just want a man with a glorious tan,
Who’s a star of the pool and the gym.
But I see what you’ve bought,
And I can’t help the thought
That whoever he is, you’re not him.

Cigarros and booze aren’t the best things to choose,
When you’re hoping like hell to impress.
Or churros, or pies,
Or those jumbo-sized fries.
Let’s be honest, José, you’re a mess!”

And so, poor José had to go on his way,
Still an hombre pursuing his dream.
On the shelf, sad to say,
But consoled every day
With a galón of chocolate ice cream.

by Julie Steiner

• “Cruise passengers who spent up to £680,000 on three-year trip stranded in Belfast for three months: The ship, ‘Odyssey’,
had planned to depart for the three-year voyage on 30 May”
—The Independent, August 2024
• “Moon landing goes sideways: Odysseus mission will be cut short after craft tipped over”
—USA Today, February 2024
• “Active recalls affecting the Honda Odyssey: 67”
—Cars.com, March 2024

Will treks you bless
be hiccup-free,
or choke? I’d guess,
from past debris,
their destiny.
(Asphyxia’s.)
But don’t mind me,
Odysseus.

It’s S.O.S.—
not V.I.P.—
that should impress
in your C.V.
Yet your I.D.
can tizzy us
with travel glee,
Odysseus.

You journeyed, yes,
from A to B,
but hurry-less
and haltingly.
I’m Odyssey-
sus-pish-y-ous.
But few agree,
Odysseus:

“What shipwreck spree?
Awe-dizzy us,
Ship Rex! (I.e.,
Odysseus!)”

by Chris O’Carroll

I found a bear beside the road,
It was already dead.
I felt the need to drive it home.
Ditto the severed head
Of a cetacean I picked up
And strapped atop my car.
In context, my embracing such
A creature’s not bizarre.

by Eddie Aderne

“A 3,500-year-old jar has been accidentally smashed into pieces by a four-year-old boy
during a trip to a museum in Israel. … The boy’s father, Alex, said his son ‘pulled the jar slightly”
because he was ‘curious about what was inside’, causing it to fall. … The Hecht Museum said the child
has been invited back to the exhibition with his family for an organised tour…”
—BBC

He tipped the jar, and out the whole gang flew:
War, Sickness, Famine, Rage, Confusion too,
Terror, Fatigue, Old Hatred, Wasted Breath,
Hypocrisy, Indifference, and Death:
Blood-riddles, far beyond a toddler’s scope;
But something else he found there: Hope. We hope.

by Susan McLean

“Alain Delon’s family refuse to put down pet dog the actor wanted to be buried with”
—CNN

Alain Delon so loved his dog
Loubo that, when he died,
he wished to have him euthanized
and buried by his side.
“I love him like a child,” he said.
“No way!” his kids replied.

by Stephen Gold

“More people leaving money for pets in their will”
—The Times

Dear Children,
Now that I’ve expired,
A moment you have long desired,
The time has come for you to know
The destination of my dough.

Though in life I fed and clothed you,
Truth to tell, I always loathed you.
So, I’ve left it all to Spot,
And you, my dears, get diddly-squat!

Loyal, steadfast, good and true
(None of which applies to you!),
The virtues of the saints abound
Within that lion-hearted hound.

I’ve tried to make this note concise,
But here’s a last piece of advice.
Pine not for what you never had.
The dog’s day’s come.
Best wishes,
Dad

by Marshall Begel

“Scientists propose warming up Mars by using heat-trapping ‘glitter’”
—Reuters

Spread glitter through the atmosphere to warm up planet Mars—
Just fill it with confetti and those sticky golden stars.
And soon enough, the ice will melt and life will find success,
While astronauts with children suffer post-traumatic stress.

by Nicole Caruso Garcia

“Starbucks brings back Pumpkin Spice Latte earlier than ever”
—CNN

(With apologies to Frost)

I have been one acquainted with the spice.
I have walked miles from chain to coffee chain.
I have imbibed it hot or over ice.

I have looked down at lattes sad and plain.
I have passed by the Starbucks on my street
And dropped six bucks, unwilling to abstain.

I have stood stumped at grocery shelves replete
With pumpkin Spam and pumpkin Pringles: Why?
And shunned them for my creamy coffee treat

Indulgent as my Lululemon’ed thigh;
An extra frill, at an unearthly price,
One insulated travel tumbler (sigh)

Proclaimed me hashtag blessed to sip this vice.
I have been one acquainted with the spice.

by Geoffrey Basking

“Sinner cleared of wrongdoing…”
—The Guardian

A conscience is a burden and
My own is far from clear,
So this decree from Tennisland
Is rather good to hear.

by Julia Griffin

“Man knocked out by whale tail whack while in small boat off Gold Coast
Queensland police say the man remained in his tinny after the whale hit him in waters near Coolangatta …
[He] didn’t know the whale was there until it appeared in front of him.”
—The Guardian

Man knocked out by whale tail whack,
Sitting in his tinny:
Didn’t see the whale, till smack!
(It was not a mini.)
Whale surprised by man head sound.
“Here in Coolangatta,”
Whale opined, “I think I’ve found
Prompts for a toccata.”

Man now conscious, doing fine,
Saved by paramedics
Though with pain traversing spine
And some nasty hedics.
Whale below provides its tail
Rest and relaxation;
Meantime pectorals regale
Friends with syncopation.

by Jerome Betts

“Kamala Harris pledges to ‘chart a new way forward’ as she accepts nomination”
—The Guardian

All hail the victorious Veep
Confronting an odious creep!
May the heir of Joe B
Defeat DJT
The nightmare disturbing our sleep.

by Nora Jay

“All eyes on America’s ‘blue wall’ as Harris scrambles to woo key voters”
—The Guardian

Alarm seized Winfrey, Walz, and all
As Harris, sans preamble,
Forgot America’s blue wall,
And set off at a scramble.

It looked a touch undignified
(The Fox gang called it “kooky”),
But soon the rumors multiplied:
She’d spied a passing Wookey.

So much is spent to court so few:
Such sums on vain promoting!
I know already, as do you,
For whom we will be voting;

The die was cast a long time since:
It’s positively flukey
To meet a soul one might convince;
And hence the power of Wookey.

Those happy few, that merry band,
Unfixed in their positions,
Who can appreciate, or stand,
A range of politicians:

Those shining sitters on the fence:
Don’t call them strange or spooky;
With luck we’ll praise, some four months hence,
This scramble to the Wookey.

by Alex Steelsmith

Amateur fossil hunter Eddie Templeton’s “latest discovery may be the most unexpected…
[T]he tusk belonged to a Columbian mammoth… a first-of-its-kind find for the region.”
—CNN

Luckily, pluckily,
Eddie the amateur
picked up a fossil that’s
one of a kind.

Even professional
paleontologists
never expected so
mammoth a find.

by Marshall Begel

“To divert focus from atrocities on women, Taliban want outsiders to visit Afghanistan
for beautiful landscapes, food & hospitality”
—India Today

Come take the road that’s traveled least—
The theocratic Middle East!
Where Afghan history is kept
By Taliban decree, except:

Those Buddhist relics, we destroyed ’em,
Enlightened women, we avoid ’em,
Our civic neighbors, we annoyed ’em,
Professors… well, we unemployed ’em.

So book one of our roomy flights—
But please don’t mention human rights!