by Iris Herriot
“Harlan Crow on collision course with Senate over Clarence Thomas gifts”
—The Guardian
“’It would be absurd to me to talk to Justice Thomas about supreme court cases,
because that’s not my world,’ Crow said, adding: ‘We talk about life. We’re two guys
who are the same age and grew up in the same era. We share a love of Motown.’”
—The Guardian
Harlan Crow
And Justice Thomas:
Where Did Your Love Go?
What did you promise?
Senator Wyden
Wants some proof:
Where’s it hidin’?
Up the Ladder to the Roof?
In Bad Weather,
Dems slangin’ On,
Are you together,
Still Hangin’ On?
Stop! In the Name
Of Love, or Law:
You’re Livin’ in Shame!
Bah-Bah-Bah-Bah.
by Bruce Bennett
“That doughy disc with delectable toppings seen in a 2,000-year-old painting
is not a pizza, experts insist.”
—The New York Times
This “proto-pizza” may not be
the kind preferred by you and me,
But one thing it for sure is not
(although it was at one point): hot.
by Clyde Always
“Handbag ‘smaller than a grain of salt’ sells for over $63,000”
—CNN
Tersity-pursity,
Big Apple artisans
crafted a miniscule
Louis Vuitton.
One who is holding this
infinitesimal
bag might articulate:
“Dammit, it’s gone!”
by Julia Griffin
“Square where Julius Caesar was killed will open to public in Rome
Tourists in the city will be able to examine the spot where the Roman dictator
was said to have been murdered … [The area is] also home to a sanctuary for stray cats.”
—The Guardian
Guests, tourists, foreigners: direct your phones
Towards these planks where buried Caesar bled.
This walkway rests upon his hallowed bones
(Or would, had Rome not burned them up instead).
We come, in any case, to praise, not bury:
He was well worth those euros you have paid;
You can, if you’re imaginative (very),
See what a rent the envious Casca made!
And please remember Cassius, that traitor:
And “honourable” Brutus, what a snake—
I’m sorry, no, there is no elevator,
But look, before we take a bathroom break:
Here was a photo opp! You’re surely smitten;
And if you’re bored with Caesar, here’s a kitten.
by Steven Kent
“Cash-strapped Taliban selling tickets to ruins of Buddhas it blew up”
—The Washington Post
Our faith demands destructive sacrifices:
Historic sites the heathens find exquisite,
Which now we pray you’ll pay to come and visit—
Oh infidel, you won’t believe these prices!
by Marshall Begel
“Trump’s court sketches make him look too young and attractive, Twitter users say.
But the artist says he just draws what he sees.”
—Insider
“Draw me like one of your French girls,” she said.
“Sculpt me as someone you’d take to your bed!
“Soften my wrinkles and fill out my hips.
Brighten my silky, insatiable lips!
“Make me the image that gets you excited!”
“I’m only turned on when my subject’s indicted.”
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Amazon’s… streaming service is quadrupling down on Judge Judith Sheindlin.
And she’s bringing her ‘nepo babies’ along . . . As for casting family members in her shows,
[Judge Judy] suggested anyone who didn’t like it could pound sand.”
—The New York Times
“Nepotism!” some may cry.
Judge Judy doesn’t care.
“My verdicts are impartial, but
You really think life’s fair?”
by Nora Jay
“Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk say they’re up for a cage match. Who would win?
Zuckerberg has been competing in Brazilian jiu-jitsu; Musk has size on his side—
and a move called ‘the Walrus'”
—The Guardian
Next to Elon, Mark’s a husk;
Musk, by contrast, is a truck.
Zuck, however, trains till dusk
At jiu-jitsu: he can duck.
Elon does the Walrus; hark:
That’s the move he’s put his seal on.
Mark, though lighter than a lark,
Ripples muscles you could kneel on.
Who would win? It’s hard to choose;
Let’s keep hoping both might lose.
by Pat D’Amico
“US approves chicken made from cultivated cells, the nation’s first ‘lab-grown’ meat”
—AP News
My chicken is grown from cells.
Oh, how my appetite swells.
It’s prepared just the way that I wish—
A savory petri dish.
by Marshall Begel
“This Research Job Will Pay You… to Eat Cheese”
—Food and Wine
Emulsified and made to pour
Or pumped at a convenience store,
I know all sauces, orange and thin,
To dip a chip or pretzel in.
So often have I grilled in pans
Or sprayed it out of nozzled cans,
I guarantee you’ll never meet a
Greater expert on Velveeta.
My trousers all have Cheeto stains.
Cholesterol has filled my veins.
Unless they want some “cultured” snob,
It’s clear I’m perfect for this job.
by Dan Campion
“Rampant Groundwater Pumping Has Changed the Tilt of Earth’s Axis”
—Scientific American
I knew the whiskey in my glass
Could knock the world askew,
But never guessed the displaced mass
Of water there could, too.
by Paul Lander
Hey, Kardashians
Time for the NBA draft
Or, for you, “Tinder.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Russia can’t really fight Ukraine at night because Moscow’s military is so broke
and degraded it can’t afford night-vision gear for its troops”
—Business Insider
Fiscally riskily,
Russia’s economy
can’t afford goggles that
work as they should.
Old-fashioned eyewear that’s
nonoperational
alters perception; the
optics aren’t good.
by Philip Kitcher
“Boris Johnson failed to inform watchdog over new Daily Mail column.”
—The Telegraph
He thought dispensing falsehoods wouldn’t matter:
to woo an audience, you make them laugh;
Homeric quotes lend class to gloss your tale.
Hyperion’s turned out to be a satyr;
descending from the Times and Telegraph,
he scribbles columns for … the Daily Mail.
by Steven Kent
“Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers whistleblower, dies aged 92”
—The Guardian
Dan Ellsberg slayed a dragon in his youth,
One arrow in his quiver: simple truth.
We learned at last how long our leaders lied
When their sons weren’t the ones who fought and died.
