by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Cyclist Sir Mark Cavendish: It will be nice to race as a Knight Commander”
—Evening Standard

It’s nice to hear he doesn’t plan to quit,
But won’t the armor slow him down a bit?

by Alex Steelsmith

“Flight attendants are speaking out against ‘gate lice’… passengers who hover around the gate
like insects before it’s their turn to board… However, some defended [the practice]… ‘My son,
who was on a… trip from LAS to (O’Hare international airport)… [would have benefited from it].’”
—New York Post

Readily, steadily,
gate lice in terminals
opportunistically
gather and stare.

Though they are everywhere,
airport authorities
ought to be keeping them
out of O’Hair.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Stranded cruise ship finally sails out of Belfast Lough”
—BBC

Cruise patrons, poised to circumnavigate
Earth’s oceans, weathered four months not at sea,
Stuck waiting for repair jobs by the late
Titanic’s shipyard on their Villa Vie.
Last week, at last, their liner sailed away
As far as near the mouth of Belfast Lough.
Views from this spot may not be what they pay
In spades for. Its more-scenic-than-the-dock
Location left the cruisers sighing, “C’est
La vie.” They’re philosophical. They’ll wait
At anchor happily to spend each day
Vacationing till twenty twenty-eight—
If no more hiccups strand them far from sea,
Expectant, sighing “C’Est La Villa Vie.”

by Michael Calvert

“Moderate amounts of caffeine intake—defined as about three cups of coffee or tea a day—were associated
with a lower risk of developing cardiometabolic multimorbidity, said [a recent] study’s lead author…”
—CNN

I love my morning cup of joe.
I love that java jive.
And even more so, now I know
it’s keeping me alive.

As science goes, I like this kind,
so hurry and refill me—
since next week someone else will find
that coffee’s going to kill me.

by Nina Parmenter

The ever-reliable British gossip magazine Heat reports that Tom Cruise’s inner circle are “increasingly concerned”:
“We’re told the 62 year old has become so ensconced in the biohacking world of cryotherapy—wherein
a person immerses themselves in freezing or near-freezing temperatures for roughly three to five minutes,
purportedly to reverse skin ageing, support fat loss, treat inflammation and prevent chronic diseases—that he’s
letting it take over his entire life.” He also takes liquid nitrogen facials, according to the magazine.

Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he pours liquid nitrogen over his knees,
he gives himself facials with chocolate ice cream,
then ices his eyebrows and lets out a scream,
“I want the youth!”
(He can’t handle the youth!)

Feeling the need, the need to freeze
the progress of age, he quite frequently skis
face down in the snow, and his nurse is so sweet:
he shows her the money, she smears him in sleet,
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)

Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he buys an old hut in the mid-Pyrenees,
he leaps in a bobsled, yells “Give ‘em Mach 10!”
and in the ER, they say, “Not him again!”
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)

Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he smiles as the scientists fleece him for fees,
and a doctor-in-training goes top of her class,
for removing the popsicle stuck up his ass,
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Octopuses seen punching fish that don’t cooperate on hunting trips…”
—The Independent

Never annoy an octopus
By skimping on a chore,
Or else you get the old one-two—
But multiplied by four.

by Marshall Begel

“Eating grasshoppers has been found to boost sex drive, improve
sleep quality, promote healthy hair and help with weight management.”
—New York Post

With voice of a ringmaster, baritone loud,
The salesman soon gathers a sizable crowd.

“Do you dread the changes that make you feel old?
Do you wish that youth could be packaged and sold?
Today is your day, and of course I allude
To this edible magical new superfood!

It helps you perform when libido is stalled,
And brings back the hair of the premature bald!
You’ll rise every morning awake and alert,
And lose enough weight for that pencil-thin skirt!

So, curious tourists, and shrewd local shoppers,
Come fill up your baskets with tasty…
grasshoppers!

It’s cash-only, people—no vouchers or tickets!”

The crowd answers back with unanimous…
*crickets*

by Alex Steelsmith

“Apple begins testing AI software designed to bring a smarter Siri to the iPhone… [T]he often
bumbling Siri… will be able to perform more tasks and be less prone to becoming confused…”
—The Associated Press

Bumbledy fumbledy,
Siri’s abilities,
good for occasional
chuckles and laughs,

soon will be humming with
hyperefficiency,
ending the era of
Sirious gaffes.

by Barbara Loots

“A new app… gives each user a private, Twitter-like social network populated exclusively by chatbots…
SocialAI has you choose what kinds of bots you want to interact with, using categories like supporters,
fans, trolls, ‘brutally honest,’ haters, ‘doomers’ and so forth.”
—Axios

I’m sorry, Gail, I’ve found another friend
to spill my guts to out in cyberspace.
I know we’ve corresponded fifty years,
although we’ve seldom met up face to face.
You’ve been a sounding-board for every whim,
for every heresy and sour complaint.
You’ve fed my ego, heard my woes and rants,
were never bothered that I’m not a saint.
We’ve shared opinions and a lot of laughs.
We’ve moaned the nonsense pols and pundits speak.
You’ve nudged me higher in the poet’s art
with countless words of praise and kind critique.

I’m here to say I’ll trouble you no more
with daily screeds. I leave all that behind.
My bot companions will take over now.
And will I miss you?
Damn. I’ve changed my mind!

by Dan Campion

“This Black Hole Has a Cosmic Wingspan”
—The New York Times

One hundred forty Milky Ways
In breadth this wingspan spreads!
Yet humans—how our tricks amaze—
Can hold it in our heads.

“Porphyrion,” a giant of myth,
The experts dubbed their find,
A nod toward ancient kinship with
The vastness of the mind.

by Steven Kent

“At a Remote Scottish Pub, a Pint Worth Hiking 20 Miles”
—The New York Times

Across the Scotch Highlands did old Angus roam
In search of a pint or some whiskey.
Last call, and now all should be heading for home:
“I think I’ll stay here, lads—too risky.
My trek is a long one, and I’m a pit bissed
(I mean a bit pissed–I’ve drunk plenty).
This evening’s been one that I wouldn’t have missed;
I could stumble one mile, but not twenty!”

by Alex Steelsmith

“Invisibility cloaks? Wave scattering simulation unlocks potential for advanced metamaterials”
—ScienceDaily

Abracadabraca,
metamaterials
soon could give rise to the
magical cloak.

Be on the lookout for
non-visibility;
even a poem could
vanish like sm

by Paul Lander

Trump versus Taylor
Or, Tay Tay versus Cra Cra:
Truth that’s not social.

by Marshall Begel

“China warns students ‘beautiful women, handsome guys’ could lure them into spying”
—Reuters

She mounted the bar stool and slipped me a wink.
Before I could answer, she’d bought me a drink.
I’m usually awkward, a bundle of nerves—
But I was transfixed by those dimples, those curves.
She talked of her passion for dancing all night.
She asked if I doubted there’s love at first sight.
But then came the question that stoked my desire:
“So, how do you feel about…
wearing a wire?”

by Ruth S. Baker

“Mouse crawling out of meal forces plane to make early landing:
Rodent posed risk to electrical wiring on Scandinavian Airlines flight from Oslo to Málaga”
—The Guardian

Wiring? The story is a mere farrago;
Remember, please, how just last year a plane
Was forcibly diverted to Chicago
Because of missing food. So now again

You’ll grant, I hope, a little understanding
Of how a passenger’s frustration feels.
I forced the plane to make an early landing,
As humans do when cheated of their meals.