by Stephen Gold
“Dutch division of [accounting firm] KPMG fined $25m for cheating in exams.”
—The Times
When examinations tax,
Don’t you worry, just relax,
We are always at your side to lend support.
Why leave anything to chance?
Get the answers in advance!
Playing fair should be the very last resort.
If you think this is a sin,
What’s the world you’re living in?
All that matters is to get that vital pass.
To be ethical is fine,
But for us, the bottom line
Is to never be the bottom of the class.
Giving credit where it’s due
Is commendable, that’s true.
But a more important lesson to be taught,
Is that in the modern day,
There’s an even better way,
Namely, taking all the credit where it’s not!
by Marshall Begel
“Gov. Hobbs signs ‘Grandpa in the Garden’ bill, paving way for human composting in Arizona”
—Arizona’s Family
Put Grandpa in the garden,
When he is cold and still.
But if the ground should harden,
We’ll have to rototill.
We’re composting our kinfolk,
No caskets to be seen.
It’s not some household in-joke—
We’re going, going green!
In Grandma’s final hours,
She told us “No cremation!”
So, now among the flowers,
She’ll practice re-carnation.
(chorus)
So if you’re sick and, knowing
You’ll soon be dead and gone,
You want to help things growing,
Come spread out on our lawn.
(chorus)
by Iris Herriot
(After Larry Morey)
“Study sheds light on the white dwarf star, likely destroyer of our solar system …
When asteroids, moons and planets get close to white dwarfs, the latter’s huge gravity rips them into smaller
and smaller pieces, which continue to collide, eventually being ground into dust. While the researchers said Earth
would probably be swallowed by our host star, the sun, before it becomes a white dwarf, the rest of our solar system… ultimately may be shredded by the sun in a white star form.”
—The Guardian
Just whistle while you shred:
(Earn your dwarfish cred!)
Turn asteroids to dusty voids
And live things into dead;
So warble as you chew:
(Mash planets into goo!)
The Earth’s a guest now grown a pest—
That goes for Venus too.
And as you brightly croon,
Pretend you’re a cartoon
(The antiquated kind):
You’ll find
You’re crunching up the moon!
Dig wormholes, worms! In cosmic terms
It’s coming very soon.
by Dan Campion
“Peter Higgs, Nobelist Who Predicted the ‘God Particle,’ Dies at 94”
—The New York Times
Higgs had an insight, and it stuck;
Some Nobelists have all the luck!
To add to his enduring fame,
The field that gives mass bears his name.
Too modest (but such faults endear),
He’d skip champagne and quaff a beer—
Not soak up accolades all night—
Relaxing on a homebound flight:
The sort of gentlemanly quark
Who’s here and gone but leaves his mark.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Eclipse chasers, or umbraphiles… will do almost anything, and travel almost anywhere, to see totality…”
—ABC News
“Why NASA says the total solar eclipse [today] will be way cooler than any before it.”
—Business Insider
Higgledy-syzygy,
serious umbraphiles
monitor many a
lunar ellipse,
plotting their optimal
geocoordinates,
doggedly planning their
faraway trips.
Always intrepid, they
monomaniacally
goggle from mountaintops,
deserts, and ships;
every eclipse, being
superspectacular,
seems to eclipse every
other eclipse.
by Paul Lander
Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish.
Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish.
Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish.
by Julia Griffin
For Mary
“Everyone in Japan will be called Sato by 2531 unless marriage law changed, says professor”
—The Guardian
Japan in the year 2531:
We’d require a squadron of seers
To fill us in on what will have been done
In five hundred and seven-odd years;
Hokkaido’s snows may have long since fried,
What with whole new kinds of polluter,
And all the rich may be living inside
An animate supercomputer;
And the only faith may be servitude,
And the sky may be hued like a peony,
And all may die that need air and food,
Since it’s likely there will not be any …
Or maybe, instead, we’ll have managed to solve
The problems that now so bemire us,
And we’ll find the perfect way to evolve,
Which won’t be found by a virus,
And the world (including Japan) won’t be
So heated and angry and trashy,
Even if this does cost, as a fee,
Every Ito and every Hayashi,
And our successors, grown kind and wise,
Will simply say Arigato!
For that brave new world, where nobody dies,
And everyone’s name is Sato.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Babies recognise spoken nursery rhymes they heard in the uterus”
—NewScientist
The murmuration that you hear
Is nothing that you need to fear,
Just millions of prospective mummies
Reciting Shakespeare to their tummies.
by Dan Campion
“Major US bridges could be vulnerable to ship collisions, including one just downstream from Key Bridge”
—CNN
What bridge is ever safe from harm?
The stout pons asinorum,
Which stalwart stands as sovereign charm
Lest dunces throng the forum.
by Simon MacCulloch
“[London’s Garrick Club] edges closer to admitting female members after 193 years of exclusion.
… The club’s committee passed a motion to accept new legal advice clarifying that the pronoun ‘he’
should be seen as interchangeable with ‘she’ in law, so the club’s rules already permit women to join”
—The Guardian
So nice that a leading KC
Has said that a “he” can mean “she.”
But don’t hold your breath
For the next member’s death—
It still doesn’t mean “you” or “me.”
by Steven Kent
“Bentley CEO says sales are down because the rich are experiencing ’emotional sensitivity’
due to the cost of living and don’t want to flaunt their wealth with a new luxury car”
—Fortune
We must eschew a Bentley, Jeeves,
But not for lack of gumption:
My sensitivity perceives
Conspicuous consumption
Offends the lower classes now,
And though they’re lazy shirkers,
Forbearance we must here allow
For fear of losing workers.
Such luxury’s too dear these days
On streets like old Manhasset’s;
Thank God we have so many ways
To hide our larger assets.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Hedgehog-saving teen recognised by Prime Minister”
—BBC News
“Baby Hedgehog Rescued by ‘Well-Meaning’ Woman Turns Out to Be a Pom-Pom”
—People
News items on these creatures (rightly prized)
This week were something of a varied lot:
A hedgehog-saving teen was recognized;
A hedgehog-pom-pom, au contraire, was not.
by Stephen Gold
“Trump is selling ‘God Bless the USA’ Bibles for $59.99 as he faces mounting legal bills”
—AP
The Genesis of Donald’s woes
Are Numbers quite untrue,
And lo, behold more tacky Acts
To pay the bills now due.
Good Judges hope his Exodus
Will not be long delayed,
And that the “truth” he peddles
Will repel us, not persuade.
Our politicians nowadays
Are little more than slumming.
O Lord, we pray,
Show us the way
To stop this Second Coming.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“South Africa’s parliament in scandal as prosecutors say speaker took a wig as a bribe”
—Independent
Always insist that bribes are paid in money,
And not in wigs or anything like that,
’Cos hairdos more elaborate than normal
Are difficult to keep beneath your hat.
by Julia Griffin
“Controversial Titanic floating door prop sells for $718,750
The much-debated door from the 1997 film, which only had room to save Kate Winslet’s Rose
but not Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jack, has sold at auction”
—The Guardian
What was it worth, that much-debated door
Which saved Kate’s Rose, not Leonardo’s Jack?
We know how much the owners sold it for;
Most of a million dollars in the black,
They must feel grateful for its buoyant power:
A gallant plank, compelled to be a boat
For one fair heiress in her darkest hour,
Now helps keep Planet Hollywood afloat.
Ah, what a turn about! This wood again
Is costly, only for the rich. Now dry
And safe, it can forget the sad refrain
Of “Jack!” that made a generation cry.
But though the door’s moved on, that bluish glow
Survives where Rose will never let him go.