by Clyde Always

“Doctors in Sri Lanka remove ‘world’s largest’ kidney stone…”
—New York Post

A kidney stone 28 ounces in mass?
Hard pass.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A man in China ended up in a legal battle after walking out on a blind date
who expected him to pay for her and 23 of her relatives… [T]he woman’s family ordered
a significant amount of expensive cigarettes and premium alcoholic beverages…
amounting to nearly 20,000 yuan (approximately $2,812)… ”
—Yahoo News

Fatefully, datefully,
one hapless bachelor,
hoping that romance would
be in the air,

blindly promoting his
eligibility,
wasn’t expecting a
family affair.

Piggily, swiggily,
twenty-three relatives
sneered when he asked if the
date was a con,

“No one is treating you
opportunistically.
Why would you think we’d be
putting yuan?”

by Marshall Begel

“[Vacant] Oklahoma High School Lists for $60K as a Single Family Home”
—Architectural Digest

You bought the home you’ve dreamed of all these years.
For that you ought to be congratulated!
Admittedly, those dreams pertained to fears
Of learning that you never graduated.

by Jerome Betts

“He misled the house on an issue of the greatest importance
to the House and to the public, and did so repeatedly…”
—From the Committee of Privileges Report on Boris Johnson

Well done the nine, the C. of P.,
Reporting on ex-PM, B.,
Who stands exposed for all to see.

At Number 10, once snug inside,
He partied while so many died,
Then in the Commons lied and lied.

And yet he’s free to joke and jog
And lap up plaudits from Rees-Mogg,
His brown-nosed, slime-tongued running dog.

The party’s broken, mend who can!
But still, though Sunak’s not the man,
One turd, for now, is down the pan.

by Bob McKenty

On June 21st
Summer is icumen in.
Lhude sing cuckoo haiku.

by Stephen Gold

“The first recorded virgin birth by a crocodile…”
—The Times

(With apologies to Lewis Carroll)

How doth the little crocodile
Give birth without a mate?
Just let us contemplate awhile
How she achieved this state.

For as she’s proved to everyone
(Which has to be admired),
When women want to get stuff done,
A man is not required.

by Julia Griffin

“Astrud Gilberto, bossa nova singer of The Girl from Ipanema, dies aged 83
Singer had no previous recording experience when she sang a defining song of Brazilian culture in 1963”
—The Guardian

Cool and cute señora Gilberto
Has left her shy amante half-muerto,
He grieves her passing,
And marks her passing with “Ah!”

Ah, but he’s brooding morosely;
Now bossa nova looks vieja;
Still, when he ponders more closely
Over black and white pics of Ms G,
He fancies it’s still ’63;

Then once more he’s there surveying
That cool, cute girl still swinging and swaying,
And though she’s passed he can smile,
Though she doesn’t see,
She just doesn’t see …

by Steven Kent

“Customer orders chicken sandwich before trying to rob Nashville McDonald’s, police say”
—WSMV

I’ll take some fries, a Big Mac, chicken too,
A Coke, I guess, and one more thing from you:
Just crack the drawer and give me all that dough!
Oh, by the way, this order is to go.

by Clyde Always

“A Georgia man was so unhappy with his 6-foot frame that he spent more than $100,000
on a Turkish leg-lengthening surgery to add 7 inches to his height.”
—New York Post

Stumpity-lumpity,
leg-stretching surgery
boosts one in stature? To
this, I retort:

any procedure so
uneconomical
must leave you feeling a
tiny bit short.

by Bruce Bennett

“While there isn’t a sizable nudist population in the City of Brotherly Love,
full public nudity is allowed in Philly—as long as you aren’t being ‘lewd.'”
—lawnstarter.com newsletter

In Philly you can venture nude,
“as long as you aren’t being ‘lewd,’”

So doff your duds and have a party!
If questioned, say you’re being “arty,”

Since why should anyone oppose
such freedom? Everybody knows

Philly’s the Birthplace of our Nation.
You won’t be taken to the station,

But if you are, just shout, “For shame!
We doffed our duds in Freedom’s Name.”

by Dan Campion

“‘What the duck’ no more: Apple will stop autocorrecting your favorite swear word”
—NPR

Such crude presumption, NPR!
My curse of choice is “What the heck,”
Words Apple leaves just as they are
And never fail a spelling check.

by Chris O’Carroll

“The Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that the First Amendment did not protect a chew toy for dogs
resembling a bottle of Jack Daniel’s from a lawsuit claiming trademark infringement. …
Trademark cases generally turn on whether the public is likely to be confused about a product’s source.”
—The New York Times

Are there any truthful granules
In the claim this toy, Bad Spaniels,
Cribbed the trademark of Jack Daniel’s?

Or will it likely not confuse
Consumers if a canine chews
A toy that mocks iconic booze?

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“One-legged crime boss jailed after five years on the run”
—Sky News

The evidence was gathered by an undercover cop—
The unsuspecting boss was caught completely on the hop.

by Marshall Begel

“Venice canal patch turns fluorescent green. …
Speculation is rife as to what might have caused the water…
to change colour.”
—BBC News

Did Shrek let out a mighty sneeze?
Do submarines leak antifreeze?

Is Suess’s oobleck on the loose?
Perhaps a truck spilled kiwi juice?

Did someone say it grows in size?
And does it photosynthesize?

I have these same thoughts every year
While drinking my St. Patrick’s beer.

by Dan Campion

“The first debt ceiling fight was in 1953. It looked almost exactly like the one today”
—NPR

Dear Ike: I hear your measured voice
(Just like I did, age four)
Tell Congress it must make a choice.
Good government needs more.

The paymasters, apparently,
Were scraping empty tills
Until you made the Senate see
The U.S. paid its bills.

I doubt that, now, you would believe
The sums, the smirks, the braying,
But you would recognize, and grieve,
The sluggishness in paying.