by Julia Griffin

“Trump hangs autopen photo instead of Biden portrait in new presidential gallery”
—The Guardian

In Biden’s place, he hangs an autopen,
With all his customary grace and sense.
No honor, then, for Sleepy Joe; but then,
Consider how Trump would have hanged Mike Pence.

by Stephen Gold

“Seven charities have dropped the Duchess of York as a patron or ambassador after an email
from 2011 revealed that she called sex offender Jeffrey Epstein her ‘supreme friend’…”
—BBC

If you have nothing in the bank,
Beware the charismatic Yank
Who offers to relieve your plight.
Although his “kindness” may delight,
Its price is forfeiting your soul,
And now, to boot, your royal role.

O Fergie, why were you so dumb
To gobble each and every crumb
That creep dropped in your yawning maw?
How was it that you never saw
That feeding from his toxic hand
Would so contaminate your brand?

You think the reckoning’s severe?
Well, here’s the honest truth, my dear.
Kowtowing to a pedophile
Attracts a special kind of bile.
The lesson’s clear: If, craving ease,
You lie with dogs, then you get fleas.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Human remains found in bag at Tampa International Airport…”
—Tampa Bay Times

Sniffingly, whiffingly,
airport authorities
might have smelled something that
raised a red flag.

Had it been traveling
transcontinentally?
Was it concealed in a
carrion bag?

by Chris O’Carroll

“President Trump and top federal health officials on Monday launched a broad offensive against
the mainstream understanding of autism, claiming without new evidence that acetaminophen—
the active ingredient in the common pain reliever Tylenol—was a cause of the disorder.”
—The New York Times

The Nobel Peace Prize still eludes his grasp,
But he could win for Medicine, perhaps.
This is his MAGA version of life hackery—
A deep dive in the shallow end of quackery.

by Miriam N. Kotzin

“The mass adoption of large language model (LLM) chatbots is resulting in large numbers
of mental health crises centered around AI use…”
—Futurism

Are you the victim of a grand
conspiracy? Has someone planned
to take you for a one-way ride?
Or do you stay awake, blear-eyed,
with every Erdős problem solved,
transnational disputes resolved
by you, who also have designed
a no-stick bundt pan? You’re inclined
to run things by your chatbot now
(you favor Gemini) and vow
that you’ll get everything that’s due
to you, for Gemini’s your new
wise confidant, your trusted friend
affirming all you apprehend.

by Steven Kent

“Morrissey cancels two US shows over ‘credible threat’ on his life”
—The Guardian

There comes a day when fame by time is bested
And erstwhile idols cannot get arrested.
But that’s what bad PR is for, you see—
Without it, who would think of Morrissey?

by Dan Campion

“New dinosaur discovered in Argentina with a crocodile leg in its jaws: ‘More than one way to be a top predator’”
—CBS

Before the gauchos, and our jaws,
The megaraptors raked their claws
Across the pampas and high plains
For tasty bits of legs and brains.
A meteor then fell, we think,
Which spelled the end of meat and drink
For Joaquinraptor and his ilk.
Let’s go with rice and beans and milk.

by Marshall Begel

“Cruise Ship Passenger With $16,000 Gambling Debt Jumps Overboard”
—The New York Times

Don’t judge this debtholder
unsympathetically,
given that workable
choices were stark:

either his requisite
pound of flesh went to a
neighborhood loan shark or
literal shark.

by Jerome Betts

“ICE crackdowns intensify across Boston as sanctuary cities face Trump’s latest operation”
—The Associated Press

French lady with the flaming torch
Before the USA’s front porch,
How many weeks till DJT
Deports you back across the sea?

by Thomas Germana

“President Trump announced Wednesday that he will designate antifa as a terrorist organization,
and is recommending investigations into people who allegedly fund it. … Antifa—short for anti-fascist—
is a loose affiliation of mostly left-leaning activists, and generally is not considered to be a highly
organized group.”
—CBS

To all you SICK ANTIFA THUGS,
You better hide your UGLY MUGS.
You’re DONE! Now RUN! We’ll HUNT your kind
Till “FA” is all that’s left behind!

by Marshall Begel

“U.S. influencer who filmed himself wrestling wild crocodiles in Australia is under investigation:
‘Dangerous and illegal’”
—CBS

Should crocodile-stalking YouTube stars
be collared, tried, and sentenced behind bars?
I’d prefer the laissez-faire solution.
Since 80 million years of evolution
have set the roles of predator and prey,
some problems, if ignored, just go away.

by Stephen Gold

“Scottish parliament scraps legal verdict of ‘not proven’”
—The Guardian

Not proven’s a verdict, ye ken,
That’s saved criminals yers in the pen.
Which is why people sneer
That its meaning is clear:
Not guilty—don’t do it again!

by Thomas Germana

“‘Fox and Friends’ co-host Brian Kilmeade floated a stunning suggestion on the show this week
for dealing with homeless people who refuse to get help for mental health issues. Kilmeade’s idea? Kill them.”
—Penn Live

“It’s not fascism, it’s not the Gestapo taking out a late-night host for what he said.
It’s old-fashioned accountability.”
—Brian Kilmeade on Jimmy Kimmel’s suspension by ABC

Do not be cruel to those who died;
It’s never ever justified.
Instead, be kind and always show
Respect for them. The living, though…

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Mystery package posted to island where only feral cows live”
—BBC

Swona’s cows, it appears, want to wear
Women’s trainers and ordered a pair
Of size fives: fact allows
No alternative—cows
Are the only inhabitants there!

by Dan Campion

“Robert Redford, Screen Idol Turned Director and Activist, Dies at 89”
—The New York Times

Yes, handsome. Hawthorne might have said
Too handsome for this world.
Yet, eighty-nine years! Accolade
On accolade! Hair curled

Just so, swept, really, like a hint.
That smile. That Sundance hat.
Those candid eyes of oceans’ tint.
Roy Hobbs’s glove and bat.

An idol of the marketplace,
Totemic, in his prime,
Of course, he had a classic face.
But faces yield to time.

So Robert crafted subtler plays
For beauty to succeed,
And they survive beyond his days,
Friends to a world in need.