by Steven Urquhart Bell

“I’m a [family doctor]—it’s a myth that you shouldn’t swim straight after eating”
—The i Paper

But if you’ve eaten beans, don’t venture
Deeper than your knee—
You might let off a big one
That propels you out to sea.

by Thomas Germana

“Frugal NC lottery winner has lofty plan with newfound cash — buy thicker bologna”
—Charlotte Observer

I hardly buy his modest act,
His precious parsimony.
No, not at all. I think, in fact,
He’s full of (thin) bologna.

by Thomas Germana

“SpaceX launched disease-causing bacteria to the International Space Station”
—Live Science

I must admit, I’m not surprised
That that was brought in tow.
As much as it was ill-advised,
It is their CEO.

—The New York Times

by Bruce Bennett

It used to be Three Kings.
Now it is CEOs.
What progress history brings!
It used to be Three Kings.
Now there are no such things.
A Savior Heaven chose?
No way! We’ve different Kings
And bowing CEO’s.

by Chris O’Carroll

“I will be sworn in as an ICE agent, ASAP.”
–Former Superman actor Dean Cain

Dean’s new hero role is ICE-man.
What bad hombres he’ll expel
Once he dons the mask he’ll wear to
Bust illegals like Kal-El.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Hot dog spill closes Pennsylvania interstate”
—UPI

Squishily, squashily,
thousands of frankfurters
littered the interstate,
widely dispersed.

Notable experts in
accidentology
said that the problem was
frankly the wurst.

by Dan Campion

“Proposed spacecraft could carry up to 2,400 people on a one-way trip
to the nearest star system, Alpha Centauri”
—Live Science

The trip would take four hundred years,
And at the end’s a planet
That may sustain life, it appears.
Good luck to those who man it,
The ship they’ve named the Chrysalis.
I hope that when they scan it
The planet proves an isle of bliss
And butterfly wings fan it.

by Clyde Always

“Naked man wearing only balaclava and plastic clogs—and carrying sex toy on a stick—
terrifies European tourists [in Slovakia]”
—New York Post

“Naked man in gimp mask caught on bizarre video prowling quiet town [in England]”
—New York Post

In two distinct cases
a mask-wearing outlaw
was spotted. One slinks
and the other one struts.

If asked what the photos
of both of these fugitives
clearly expose, I would
answer: they’re nuts.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘Richard Osman made £10m, I made £250’: The money novelists really make”
—The i Paper

Instead of spending ages writing novels
For hardly any money, why not rhyme?
There isn’t any money in it either,
But poems take a fraction of the time.

by Timothy Steele

Such innocence! Our Age of Dread
Would sink poor Lucy in a trice.
Her hair would damn her as a Red
And Ricky would be seized by ICE.

by Barbara Loots

“‘Dodgy looking’ clip of Trump playing golf in Scotland sparks cheating debate”
—The Guardian

“The president has been accused of cheating relentlessly at his favorite pastime…”
—The Daily Beast

Where is the prez while democracy dies?
Out on the golf course improving his lies.

His score’s always lower than most other folks’.
He pardons himself quite a number of strokes.

“You’re down in the weeds?” says the prez. “Oh, that’s tough!
My beautiful balls never land in the rough.

“My drive’s in the water? Well, don’t look around—it
Just landed right here in the cup where I found it!

“Birdies and pars! I’m the champ at this sport.
It’s a gimme whenever my putt’s a bit short.

“Rules are for suckers. I play my own game.
If you’re the big loser—well, you take the blame.

“As golf buddies go, I’m the World’s Number One.
I’m always the winner and isn’t that fun?

“I don’t give a f**k if you don’t win a hole.
I’ve already raked in your dues—and your soul.”

by Julia Griffin

“Massive lightning bolt from Texas to Missouri breaks record for world’s longest flash
The 515-mile bolt occurred during a 2017 storm and was discovered during a review of satellite data”
—The Dallas Morning News

In 2017, a bolt of lightning
Burst over three full states’ expanse of skies.
Then it was voted bothersome and fright’ning,
But eight years on, we’re giving it a prize.
(It took one second till the flash was past,
But we, though also bright, aren’t quite so fast.)

by Alex Steelsmith

“[A] couple tossed a freshly caught bass back into the water—
only to watch a bald eagle swoop down and snatch it…
[T]he raptor made a perfectly timed dive from a nearby perch.”
—Fox News

Supery-dupery
eagle agility
can’t be sufficiently
captured in words.

Eagles, according to
ornithological
experts, are certainly
talonted birds.

by Thomas Germana

“Nazism is making a comeback in the West, according to Russian Foreign Minister
Sergey Lavrov, and Russia is fighting alone against the entire region.”
—Newsweek

So Sergey says the West’s beset
By Nazis—what a shame.
I think he hopes we’ll all forget
Who’s partially to blame.

by Jerome Betts

“Trump’s distress at wind turbines now holds global, rather than merely golfing, implications.
As president he has banned renewable energy projects from federal lands and signed a spending
bill that kills off tax credits that were fostering a boom in new, clean energy supply.”
—The Guardian “Down To Earth” newsletter

A law and climate change denier,
Star of the fossil fuel fans’ choir,
A POTUS who’s a planet-fryer?
Oh, as the flames climb ever higher,
May Mar-a-Lago feel the fire.