by Alex Steelsmith
“[A] Polish-American artist… is training a trio of robotic dogs to paint autonomously…
‘The project… is pushing the boundaries of my art practice’…”
—Artnet
Stippledy, drippledy
canine automatons
painting on canvases
seems like a stretch.
Should they be classified
neopostmodernist?
Will we be shocked by the
prices they fetch?
by Iris Herriot
“‘It’s called stealing’: new allegations of plagiarism against Roy Lichtenstein
Pop art founder made millions, but the comic book artists he copied struggled financially…
Lichtenstein himself said: ‘My work has been accused of looking like the things that I copy,
and it certainly does look like the things I copy… But it is that quality, whatever art is,
that transforms the work of art to be something different.”
—The Guardian
My work does look much like the things I copy,
So some who made those things are getting stroppy.
But it’s that quality, whatever art is,
That makes me different from those other parties.
What takes a 4-cent comic and transforms it,
Engages the artistic world and storms it?
That quality is hard to be precise on,
But fortunately not to put a price on.
by Martin F. Kohn
“We’re hosting our FIRST EVER poetry contest and inviting poets of all levels to participate.
The theme of the contest is plumbing…”
—A Facebook post from the Benjamin Franklin Plumbing Company, of Dallas
Odists, bards and troubadours,
Get to it, no more stalling.
Set aside your daily chores,
The pipes, the pipes are calling.
by Steven Kent
“The Abortion Ban Backlash Is Starting to Freak Out Republicans”
—The New York Times
We sought to win election fights
Through stripping women of their rights
And tried to build our voting bloc
By turning, turning back the clock,
But now I fear we’ve dropped the ball:
They don’t seem happy, not at all,
These modern women (Red and Blue).
Our vision isn’t theirs—who knew?
by Clyde Always
“Saucon Valley is not the only American community bedeviled by Satan clubs.”
—Reason
Clippity-skippity,
After School Satan Clubs
must be allowed, says the
ACLU.
People denying these
extracurriculars’
harmlessness won’t give the
Devil his due.
by Nora Jay
“‘Unreliable splatter’: Vatican exorcists denounce Russell Crowe’s Pope’s Exorcist …
The real Amorth was an antifascist partisan in the second world war who claimed
to have performed 60,000 lesser and major exorcisms throughout his life,
talking to the devil ‘every day’ (who would respond ‘in Italian’).”
—The Guardian
“Come sta, Diavolino?”
Quoth Amorth (best known as “Volt”).
“No mere laymen know what we know:
Watch him gasp, turn heel, and bolt!
“When I start my holy patter,
Addio, Lucifero!
He ignores the pseudo-splatter
Offered up by Russell Crowe.
“Only licensed, bona fide
Paid-up exorcists know how.
Here’s your soul back, clean and tidy.
Guarda te, Satana. Ciao!”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Researchers [plan to] create ‘organoid intelligence,’ or OI… [using] samples of human tissue to grow
small collections of brain cells that they could use in place of standard silicon computer chips… [OI]
brings up plenty of thorny ethical considerations. Is it okay to use people’s cells to make computers?
Could a computer made of human cells develop a consciousness?… [I]s it okay to keep that
consciousness locked into the role of a computer?”
—Popular Mechanics
Quandary-pondering
serious ethicists,
hearing the news with a
sense of dismay,
don’t even bother with
deontological
arguments; all they can
say is, “OI vey.”
Doubledy-troubledy
organoid researchers
might give you angst, though you’ll
probably find
critical comments work
counterproductively;
best not to give them a
piece of your mind.
by Bruce Bennett
“As a generation of Emilys enters adulthood, perhaps you’ve noticed the name in the air—
and on TV, in film and in songs.”
—The New York Times
“I’m Emily! Who are you?
Are you – Emily – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! They’d pester us – you know!
How dreary – to be – Emma!
Sophia – Carol – Joan –
Just keep your mouth shut – Don’t let on –
Then they’ll – leave us – alone!
by Marshall Begel
“Strip club owners unveil plans for first weed dispensary
with topless ‘budtenders'”
—Daily Star
Come gaze at some boobies while purchasing doobies
at Castaway Gentleman’s Club.
We’ll swing around poles while you light up your bowls,
Each round costing only a dub.
Stick cash into thongs as you cash out your bongs.
Our Mary Jane won’t disappoint.
So come get sedated somewhere that’s X-rated.
We’re certain you’ll frequent our joint!
by Chris O’Carroll
“Our Mission is to sell Great Pot and use the power of our business
to Right the Wrongs of the War on Drugs.”
—bensbest.com
Ben of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream
Now is selling cannabis.
Victims of the war on weed may
Stand to benefit from this.
Freeing prisoners, rewriting
Ill-conceived drug policy,
Funding pot-based enterprises
In the Black community—
These are ways that Ben’s new profits
Sponsor justice in the ’hood.
And if munchies spur demand for
More ice cream, that’s also good.
by Bruce Bennett
I have the morning. I’m a chump.
I’ll spend it reading up on Trump.
I will not waste my afternoon.
I’ll stop. I will be finished soon.
It’s nighttime. Time to go to bed.
But just what was it that he said,
And will that give his polls a bump?
I swear I’ll stop! I’m done with Trump.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“An NHS hospital has triggered outrage after offering medical teams chocolate prizes
for rapidly discharging patients.”
—Daily Mail
I got discharged when I was barely able
To hobble round the ward upon a stick.
I felt like I was being sent home early
Because they thought I wasn’t all that sick;
Or taking up a bed I didn’t warrant,
A shirker, a malingerer, a fake,
Who wants another sick note from the doctor
To laze around for longer on the take;
Or just a lonely soul who wants attention,
Or someone who’s exaggeration-prone;
Thank goodness it was none of these, but only
To win the staff a giant Toblerone.
by Philip Kitcher
“Sainsbury’s shoppers criticise ‘vile’ mince vac-packs aimed at reducing plastic“
—The Guardian
We would like to use less plastic—but we must preserve the taste,
and the well-known excellence of British meals.
We are thoroughly in favour of eliminating waste,
but we draw the line at mince when it congeals.
We receive it en gelée, compressed—a thick disgusting squash;
Any vite sauté we cook ends up in clumps
It makes a bloody travesty of nouvelle British nosh,
if the plat du jour is full of leaden lumps.
by Dan Campion
“Humans May Have Eaten Giant Snails 170,000 Years Ago”
—Smithsonian Magazine
So, long before Escoffier,
Some cave-café gourmets
Would feast on escargots? Would play
The Flintstones in berets?
One hopes they had huge garlic cloves,
Big shallots, sage chopped fine,
A dash of lemon—and large stoves.
And didn’t stint on wine!
by Steve Bremner
“[N]ow that Americans are finally getting the opportunity to try [Starbucks coffee with olive oil],
they’re finding that taste isn’t all that they have to worry about. As one customer revealed rather
bluntly on Twitter: ‘Apparently @Starbucks thinks I need help having diarrhea with this
#oleato #coffee.’”
—Eat This, Not That
Morningly, dawningly,
Many Americans
Strain to awaken, then
Strain on the pot.
Prone to intestinal
Irritability?
Now you can kill those two
Birds with one shot.