The ever-reliable British gossip magazine Heat reports that Tom Cruise’s inner circle are “increasingly concerned”: “We’re told the 62 year old has become so ensconced in the biohacking world of cryotherapy—wherein
a person immerses themselves in freezing or near-freezing temperatures for roughly three to five minutes,
purportedly to reverse skin ageing, support fat loss, treat inflammation and prevent chronic diseases—that he’s
letting it take over his entire life.” He also takes liquid nitrogen facials, according to the magazine.
Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he pours liquid nitrogen over his knees,
he gives himself facials with chocolate ice cream,
then ices his eyebrows and lets out a scream,
“I want the youth!”
(He can’t handle the youth!)
Feeling the need, the need to freeze
the progress of age, he quite frequently skis
face down in the snow, and his nurse is so sweet:
he shows her the money, she smears him in sleet,
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)
Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he buys an old hut in the mid-Pyrenees,
he leaps in a bobsled, yells “Give ‘em Mach 10!”
and in the ER, they say, “Not him again!”
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)
Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he smiles as the scientists fleece him for fees,
and a doctor-in-training goes top of her class,
for removing the popsicle stuck up his ass,
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)
“Eating grasshoppers has been found to boost sex drive, improve sleep quality, promote healthy hair and help with weight management.” —New York Post
With voice of a ringmaster, baritone loud,
The salesman soon gathers a sizable crowd.
“Do you dread the changes that make you feel old?
Do you wish that youth could be packaged and sold?
Today is your day, and of course I allude
To this edible magical new superfood!
It helps you perform when libido is stalled,
And brings back the hair of the premature bald!
You’ll rise every morning awake and alert,
And lose enough weight for that pencil-thin skirt!
So, curious tourists, and shrewd local shoppers,
Come fill up your baskets with tasty… grasshoppers!
“Apple begins testing AI software designed to bring a smarter Siri to the iPhone… [T]he often
bumbling Siri… will be able to perform more tasks and be less prone to becoming confused…” —The Associated Press
Bumbledy fumbledy,
Siri’s abilities,
good for occasional
chuckles and laughs,
soon will be humming with
hyperefficiency,
ending the era of
Sirious gaffes.
“A new app… gives each user a private, Twitter-like social network populated exclusively by chatbots…
SocialAI has you choose what kinds of bots you want to interact with, using categories like supporters,
fans, trolls, ‘brutally honest,’ haters, ‘doomers’ and so forth.”
—Axios
I’m sorry, Gail, I’ve found another friend
to spill my guts to out in cyberspace.
I know we’ve corresponded fifty years,
although we’ve seldom met up face to face.
You’ve been a sounding-board for every whim,
for every heresy and sour complaint.
You’ve fed my ego, heard my woes and rants,
were never bothered that I’m not a saint.
We’ve shared opinions and a lot of laughs.
We’ve moaned the nonsense pols and pundits speak.
You’ve nudged me higher in the poet’s art
with countless words of praise and kind critique.
I’m here to say I’ll trouble you no more
with daily screeds. I leave all that behind.
My bot companions will take over now.
And will I miss you? Damn. I’ve changed my mind!
“At a Remote Scottish Pub, a Pint Worth Hiking 20 Miles” —The New York Times
Across the Scotch Highlands did old Angus roam In search of a pint or some whiskey.
Last call, and now all should be heading for home: “I think I’ll stay here, lads—too risky.
My trek is a long one, and I’m a pit bissed (I mean a bit pissed–I’ve drunk plenty).
This evening’s been one that I wouldn’t have missed; I could stumble one mile, but not twenty!”
“China warns students ‘beautiful women, handsome guys’ could lure them into spying” —Reuters
She mounted the bar stool and slipped me a wink.
Before I could answer, she’d bought me a drink.
I’m usually awkward, a bundle of nerves—
But I was transfixed by those dimples, those curves.
She talked of her passion for dancing all night.
She asked if I doubted there’s love at first sight.
But then came the question that stoked my desire:
“So, how do you feel about… wearing a wire?”
“Mouse crawling out of meal forces plane to make early landing: Rodent posed risk to electrical wiring on Scandinavian Airlines flight from Oslo to Málaga” —The Guardian
Wiring? The story is a mere farrago;
Remember, please, how just last year a plane
Was forcibly diverted to Chicago
Because of missing food. So now again
You’ll grant, I hope, a little understanding
Of how a passenger’s frustration feels.
I forced the plane to make an early landing,
As humans do when cheated of their meals.
“Engineers at NASA have successfully fired up a set of thrusters Voyager 1 hasn’t used in decades…When Voyager 1
lifted off to space on September 5, 1977, no one expected that the probe would still be operating today.” —CNN
Amazing that a spacecraft
should ever fly so far.
I’m sure whoever built it
did not design my car.
“Lib Dem chief whip Wendy Chamberlain mocks [Prime Minister] Sir Keir Starmer’s ‘quite grey’ hair” —The Independent
To ridicule a person ’cos they’re greying,
Or red or blonde or going thin on top,
Is underhand and juvenile and braying—
And look who’s talking, Mrs. Curly-Mop!
“And the audience was absolutely—they went crazy.” —Donald Trump describing a debate that took place without a live audience
They’re eating our pets in Ohio,
And fact-checking my lies isn’t fair.
The audience, they all went crazy
Even though there was nobody there.
Public schools change the sex of our children.
Don’t you dare say my mind is impaired.
I have often heard crowds going crazy,
Like that time there was nobody there.
“California zoo animals returned home after wildfire evacuation… The residents of the Big Bear Alpine zoo [include] rehabilitated animals that are unable to be released into the wild, many of which are elderly and have injuries. … [On Thursday, the director] loaded up an array of birds—cranes, hawks, barn owls and a pelican—and made the winding two-hour drive back to the animals’ mountain home.” —The Guardian
An eagle blinded in one eye;
A fox cub amputee;
A sandhill crane too lame to fly:
Sick, wounded, elderly,
Saved from a fire! The story brings
Balm for mankind’s distress:
A pelican with broken wings,
Back from the wilderness.
