by Michael Calvert

“Italian gymnast Giorgia Villa has sent fans wild with her photos posing with Parmigiano-Reggiano (parmesan)
cheese taken when she had a cheesemaker sponsorship deal. …. The gymnast is seen in her leotard, sitting on a pile of giant
wheels of cheese, and doing the splits over a line of the wheels.”
—CNN

Grazie molto, signorina!
Truly, we have never seen a
handstand done with such élan
atop a wheel of parmesan.

Your agile leaps, your daring vaults,
and graziosa somersaults,
have helped Italia to grow
the sales of our formaggio.

Belissima! We never knew
cheesemongers came as cute as you.
(The lesson is, when selling parm,
a little cheesecake does no harm.)

by Paul Lander

Dow Jones roars higher
Trump’s Kamala Crash turned fast
To Kamala Cash!

by Steven Kent

“RFK Jr boasts of ‘a freezer full of roadkill'”
—The Guardian

If Bobby hasn’t wormed his way
Inside your brain to date,
He’s trying harder every day
(Though still not doing great).

That food now in his freezer’s not
The kind most want to eat.
What’s next? He owns a camel lot
And sells exotic meat?

His fauna tales are deeply odd,
The ones he dares to share—
You know there’s more, and worse, by God,
But those we couldn’t bear.

by Philip Kitcher

“King Charles III bestows royal title on rare golden goat breed.”
—The Associated Press

The Guernsey girls are sewing night and day to make the coat
To carry the escutcheon of their Royal Golden Goat.
A bovine baroness has been rehearsing how to bow:
The latest peer in Cumbria—a Whitbred Shorthorn cow.
Supporting aristocracy, the populace of Wales
Are seeking gooey mantles to adorn Llyn Tegid’s snails.
And Scottish hearts beat faster now the Manxshearwater flea
Has made the recent Honours List: it’s earned the CBE.
But pride in our nobility won’t reach its full extent
Till owls are picked as members of the British Parliament.

by Marshall Begel

“Fish That School Together Save Energy, Study Finds”
—The New York Times

Another school day, my life wasting away—
Two fins and a tail in the crowd.
Each day in the shoal, the sheer lack of control
Is leaving me weakened and cowed.

How I long to be free, to discover the sea,
From trenches to eddying reefs,
Ride seahorses’ tails, sing duets with the whales
And question my school-taught beliefs.

Today is my chance—I’ll embrace the expanse,
Before I’m completely stir-crazy!

Ah, who am I kidding? Those depths look forbidding
And frankly, I’m simply too lazy.

by Stephen Gold

“Eau de Fido: Dolce & Gabbana launches luxury perfume for dogs.”
—The Times

There is no if or but,
A malodorous mutt
Is a creature it’s best not to meet.
But my God! On what grounds
Can a perfume for hounds
Be decently sold on the street?

Yet a king of couture
Has come up with a “cure,”
To ensure darling Fido won’t stink.
He thinks his solution
Beats simple ablution.
The fellow should visit a shrink!

This distasteful debut
Is a step, in my view,
On the road to olfactory Hell.
From dachshund to husky,
Let’s keep our mutts musky,
And doggedly au naturel.

by Alex Steelsmith

“More Chinese swimmers [who] secretly tested positive… for trace amounts of an anabolic steroid…
were cleared [by] the Chinese Anti Doping Agency (CHINADA)… The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA)
later confirmed the basic details of the report… [The case] has sent ripple effects throughout the anti-doping community. …
[T]he U.S. Anti-Doping Agency [USADA]… repeatedly [said the WADA attempted] to sweep the Chinese doping cases under the rug.”
—USA Today

(To the tune of Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! (A Letter from Camp)”)

Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh,
here I am at Camp CHINADA.
Camp is nice but there’s a lotta
swimmers doping, say the folks from the USADA.

How I long for Camp Granada!
Here officials claim there’s not a
trace of steroids, yada yada,
though reports are sending ripples through the WADA.

by Steven Kent

“French Pole Vaulter Anthony Ammirati Gets $250K Job Offer Thanks to His Viral Bulge”
—US Weekly

The touch was perpendicular,
And so a star was born—
With fortitude testicular,
He’ll go for gold in porn.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Pole Vaulter Alysha Newman Twerks After Winning Medal at Paris Olympics”
—People

She clears the bar then wiggle-wags her booty.
Athleticism is a thing of beauty.
The dance in which she chooses to indulge
Reminds us sport’s not all about the bulge.
Olympian’s an every-gender role.
A vaulter can soar high without a pole.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“The Icelandic love secret: should we all try ‘sex before coffee’?”
—The Guardian

Though I’m a fairly easy-going dude,
It might put other diners off their food.

by Bruce Bennett

“Trump says he doesn’t care if he mispronounces Kamala Harris’s name”
—The Independent

“I like mispronouncing her name.
With me, it is always the same.
I do as I please
With people like these.
For me, it’s all part of the game.

But wait. What is this? Something’s wrong.
There’s yelling and cheering. A throng
Is laughing. How rude!
It’s I who am booed
And mocked, and they’re playing along!

by Nora Jay

(After Lorca, via Leonard Cohen)

Though the Dems have umpteen childless women,
Lots of shoulders where cats come to cry;
Though there’s cash pouring in through the windows,
There’s a stump where campaigns quickly die;
So a cunning old Donkey gave warning:
“If you want to be sure of applause:

Ay, ay, ay, ay
Take this Walz, take this Walz,
Take this Walz with the clean-shaven jaws!

Oh we want him, we want him, we want him,
On a chair with a dad’s magazine,
Saying: “Son, want a ride to Home Depot?”
Or unblocking some pesky machine;
He’ll have corndogs at six for his dinner,
Where he’ll wink at his wife: “Ain’t life grand?”

Ay, ay, ay, ay
Take this Walz, take this Walz:
He likes tuna so long as it’s canned;

Ay, ay, ay, ay
If it’s broken, he’s got it in hand.”

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“‘The Bright Sword’ Review: Arthurian Fantasy Sans Arthur”
—The Wall Street Journal

Arthuriana sans the king?
That has a quite disloyal ring.
A new addition to the gallery?
I think I’d rather stick with Malory.

by Dan Campion

“Musket Balls Found in Massachusetts Recall ‘Shot Heard Round the World’”
—The New York Times

Thoreau, and others, missed a few
Spent rounds that had lain by
The old North Bridge? What else is new?
So many bullets fly
Throughout this country, where our guns
Are sacrosanct, lead shot
Turned up in Concord scarcely stuns.
We’d wonder had it not.

by Steven Kent

“JD Vance calls Trump ‘morally reprehensible’ in resurfaced emails”
—The Guardian

Of clear positions I might take,
There’s one I own appears opaque:
He’s Hitler—no, the people’s voice—
He’s heroin—our perfect choice.
I’ve been this way since back at Yale,
Before my soul was up for sale:
I hedge my bets in every race
And try to cover every base.
I loathe this most immoral man,
Yet call myself his biggest fan;
I wasn’t sure, but now I’m surer—
Goodness gracious, what a fuehrer!