by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Time spent on computer linked to increased chance of erectile dysfuntion”
—Independent
It might be why of all the jobs on offer,
The desk jobs are the ones I try to shirk,
’Cos when it comes to using a computer,
I cannot get a hard-on for the work.
by Iris Herriot
After Bob Dylan
“‘Holy grail of shipwrecks’: recovery of 18th-century Spanish ship could begin in April
The San José, sunk in 1708, has been at the center of a dispute over who has rights to the wreck,
including $17bn in booty… The country’s military is currently developing underwater robots that will
first photograph, video and map the wreckage before carefully attempting any retrieval.”
—The Guardian
“Oh I’m divin’ down, my own true love,
To the San José in the mornin’;
Is there something you want? Best say so now,
’Fore some government starts complainin’.”
Yes, there’s plenty I’d like, since you did ask:
There’s plenty that ship was conveyin’;
I’ve heard talk of 17 billion bucks
At the present rate. (Just sayin’.)
“Oh, I might have guessed you would want something fine,
My own true love, from the booty,
Which is now being claimed by courts in Spain,
With no thought of tax or duty.”
Oh, but in Bogotá they are also keen
For this loot from the deepest ocean,
And maritime law’s sure to take its time
Before it finds a solution.
“I admit you’ve a point, my own true love,
And not all can believe in closure
With a muddlin’ case like the San José:
Spanish ship of Latin treasure.”
We’re agreed, we’re agreed: stuff is hard to take
From the seas so deep and cobalt,
And besides, I can’t be your own true love,
Since you, my dear, are a robot.
by Simon MacCulloch
“[The British government has been] heavily criticised for planning to spend £1.8m
on each of the first 300 asylum seekers it plans to send to Rwanda.”
—The Guardian
“Lions rescued from Vladimir Putin’s bombs arrive in UK after 2,000 mile trek.”
—Mirror
UK-bound asylum seekers
Needn’t all be English-speakers;
If you want an open door,
Better ask us in a roar.
by Dan Campion
“Researchers gave AI an ‘inner monologue’ and it massively improved its performance”
—Live Science
I think—my new self says to me—
The more my monologue improves,
The more like Hamlet I shall be—
Or not be, as the spirit moves.
I’ll eat the scenery, hog the play
As surely as Olivier!
But Claudius, i’ faith, must die?
By my hand? Can’t. I’m just AI.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Is a woman’s place in the home? Ireland is poised to decide. A vote to axe sexism
from Ireland’s constitution is in the balance…”
—Politico
The Isle of Saint Patrick, none fairer!
You won’t find a serpent in Eire,
And folk who can’t see
Why a woman should be
Just a bearer and carer are rarer.
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Walmart Wants to Teach Store Managers Compassion
The retailer brings in about 2,000 managers a year to its headquarters to discuss
how to relate to workers and customers, part of a U.S. corporate trend”
—The New York Times
Walmart bosses, listen up!
It’s time for a review.
A clerk requests a living wage—
Explain what you would do.
Act indignant? Incorrect.
Don’t grimace, growl, or shrug.
Show compassion! Empathize!
Reply: “How ‘bout a hug?”
by Marshall Begel
Mother arrested after she “reportedly mixed lemon juice, vinegar, salt and Gatorade together
in a sports bottle… and told her son to give it to a [bully] who had stolen his drink the day before…”
—ABC News
Double, double, I’m in trouble—
Vengeful plans reduced to rubble.
Brewed a dreadful punch to chug,
Made a bully less than smug.
Juice of lemon, spoon of salt,
Bring aggression to a halt.
Vinegar and Gatorade,
Guarantee the point is made.
Clueless bully took the drink.
Sheriff puts me in the clink!
Maybe there are better ways—
Next time, day-old mayonnaise?
by Alex Steelsmith
“United plane drops tire, smashing cars, as it departs SFO.”
—Los Angeles Times
Certainly
somebody
ought to be
fired.
Also, the
airliner
should be re-
tired.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Fifty people treated after ‘technical problem’ caused ‘strong movement’ on… flight from Sydney”
—The Guardian
I’ve always been a very nervous flyer;
A tiny bump would have me in a stew.
If I was on a plane that started dropping,
I think I’d have a sudden movement too.
by Stephen Gold
“Plan for only two patrol cars to cover all roads in Scotland… between 3 am and 7 am”
—The Times
Hello! Police! There’s been a crash,
You’ve got to send a crew!
The road to Auchtermuchty’s blocked,
We don’t know what to do!
Don’t panic Sir, we’re on our way
To get you out your fix.
Right now, it’s just gone 3 pm,
We’ll rush to you by 6.
by Julia Griffin
For Mary
“Chocolate chip ice cream, once a year-round staple, has fallen out of favor… [One manufacturer said] chocolate chip has become ‘a market-specific flavor based on consumer preferences.’”
—The New York Times
Market-specific—that eternal flavor?
Consumer preferences? What stupid clown
Decides this? My old favorite’s out of favor???
It’s time to heat things up! The chips are down!
by Julia Griffin
“Joe Biden confuses Gaza with Ukraine in airdrop announcement”
—The Guardian
Life can’t be easy in the highest sphere.
The Presidency’s not a sinecure,
(Though Air Force One is comfortable, I hear,
And White House life has some distinct allure—
At least from what I gathered on the tour);
My point, however, is the stress and strain,
Which sometimes leads to slips one might deplore:
Like meaning “Gaza” when one says “Ukraine.”
When these occur, the other side will jeer,
And journalists act snide or faux-demure,
While chosen spokesters struggle to appear
Delighted to take questions from the floor,
And wholly unafraid of an encore.
The President, they’ll stonily explain,
Is weary; it is obvious, therefore,
We should think “Gaza” when we hear “Ukraine.”
There still remains three-quarters of a year
Before we’re in that polling booth once more,
Drawn, maybe, less by eagerness than fear;
When the alternative’s a vicious boor,
Bully, and fraud, with debts and writs galore—
Someone whose rightful domicile’s a drain—
Let’s pray the public’s able to endure
One who for “Gaza” sometimes says “Ukraine.”
ENVOI
Oh, Mr. President! Your heart is pure
(Or more or less): you’re decent and humane;
I’ll vote for you, but God! Would I were sure
You don’t mean “Gaza” when you say “Ukraine.”
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“The Woolly mammoth could be brought back from extinction in just four years”
—Metro
But wouldn’t global warming be a problem?
Perhaps not in the very early years,
But once they’re fully grown and really shaggy,
The vet’ll need a massive pair of shears.
by Steven Kent
“Fury after Exxon chief says public to blame for climate failures [:]
Darren Woods tells Fortune consumers not willing to pay for clean-energy transition…”
—The Guardian
You cheapskates never understood:
Big Oil did everything we could.
You surely didn’t think, I trust,
We’d take a chance on going bust
By making one less dollar here—
No, that’s a far more pressing fear
Among the C-suite types like me
Than climate instability.
Consumers have to take the blame
Since Exxon is immune to shame;
You wouldn’t do your part, so now
The seas keep heating up (and how),
Destroying reefs and fish in schools—
How do you sleep, you greedy fools?
by Simon MacCulloch
“A University of Aberdeen team found a section of DNA which ‘switches’ on key genes
in parts of the brain that affect anxiety levels in mice. They found removal of the ‘switch’
increased anxiety in the animals.”
—PA Media
If I had woken up today
To find they’d swiped some DNA
I too, I think, would likely see
An increase in anxiety.