by Iris Herriot
“Tom Hanks says AI version of him used in dental plan ad without his consent”
—The Guardian
Tom Hanks cuts the dentists no slack:
“That ad,” he demands, “take it back!
I’d have to be mental
To talk up your dental:
And no, I’m refusing your plaque.”
by Steven Kent
“California county abuzz after far-right figure appointed for mosquito control”
—The Guardian
Them skeeters is bad, boys! You seen
How they swarm and annoy us, I mean.
But now listen: You’ll find
That Bill Gates is behind
‘Em—their sting is a secret vaccine!
by Dan Campion
“Voting is now officially open in the 2023 Fat Bear Week competition, celebrating
the ability of brown bears to pack on weight for their hibernation cycle in Alaska.”
—NPR
The candidates are gluttons, sure,
But they need no excuse:
Bears sleep for months, in dreams of pure,
Fresh salmon, berry juice,
And honey.
Politicians grub,
Meanwhile, for votes and cash,
The truffles of their tony club,
Where sweet dreams go to crash.
by Alex Steelsmith
“A Danish artist has been ordered to repay a museum after delivering blank canvases… titled Take the Money and Run …
[The museum had loaned the artist, Jens Haaning, about $76,400.] ‘I am shocked …’ [Haaning says, claiming] he doesn’t have
the money to repay the museum. … ‘It… also puts me in an unmanageable situation where I don’t really know what to do.'”
—NPR
Flimmery flammery,
Jens the blank canvas man
takes all the money and
runs to the bank.
Told to repay it, he
stays right in character,
opportunistically
drawing a blank.
by Julia Griffin
“A famous tree that has stood sentinel on Britain’s Roman-built Hadrian’s Wall for more than 200 years
has been ‘deliberately felled’ in what authorities have called an ‘act of vandalism.’”
—CNN
How, Sycamore, you shone, from root to crown!
How sick a moron chose to hack you down.
by Chris O’Carroll
“I swirled a Vermentino-Moscato blend that looked like apple juice and tasted wild and metallic, like beautiful gasoline.”
—Restaurant critic Helen Rosner
To complement the finest food,
Decant yourself some light, sweet crude.
Enjoy a quaff untamed and bold,
A hearty mouthful of black gold.
Nothing can make the taste buds hum
Quite like piquant petroleum.
Refined as petrol or as gas,
This is the good stuff. Fill your glass.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“Trump Tells Gun Store He’d Like to Buy a Glock, Raising Legal Questions”
—The New York Times
Perhaps it will come as a shock
That Trump wants to purchase a Glock.
But it’ll be worse
If he opts to disburse
Such weapons to all of his flock.
by Marshall Begel
Amid worsening relations with India, Canada has been “urging citizens to ‘exercise a high degree of caution’ in their travel to [India].”
—Reuters
For years we Americans exercised fraud
To act as Canadian tourists, abroad.
We hid behind flags of the red maple leaf,
Avoiding debate and political beef.
But India no longer grants them that waiver,
So counterfeit methods might work in their favor:
Just stitch on an oversized patch of Old Glory
And (like true Americans) never say “sorey”!
by Katherine Barrett Swett
“Insofar as the women, just none of them were as articulate enough
on the intellectual level.”
—Rolling Stone co-founder Jan Wenner, on why he chose only white men
for his book on rock’s ‘masters.’
Chauvinist-Piggledy,
Wenner the arbiter?
He prefers rock stars who
Think like a man.
Women don’t cut it as
Superarticulate.
Superironically
Neither does Jan.
—Cleopatra, Antony and Cleopatra, 1.2.79
by Susan McLean
“[T]he internet is… ablaze with references to Rome and the large amount of space that the empire presently
takes up in every dudebro’s head. … Why is there a new cult following of ancient Rome? Why now?”
—MSNBC
Nostalgic for intrepid days
when men were men, and girls stayed home,
admiring Caesar’s ruthless ways,
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
They picture marching with armed men
or racing in the hippodrome
(not toiling with the field slaves) when
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
Their breastplates gleam, their cloaks are red,
their statues white as Styrofoam.
Longing to lead and to be led,
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
Training with swords to fight and die,
or whispering in a catacomb,
daring, resolved, and semper fi—
they close their eyes and think of Rome.
Their wished-for glory is full of holes
as gaping as the Pantheon dome,
but manly yearnings shake their souls.
They close their eyes and think of Rome.
by Clyde Always
“A naked man was detained on Monday after air travelers spotted him proudly sauntering through Dallas-Fort Worth
International Airport. Eye-popping video shows the man—without any baggage in sight or a stitch of clothing…”
—New York Post
Look at my carry-on! Packing’s a snap.
It’s a pleasure to handle and fits on my lap.
by Steven Kent
“Lauren Boebert says she ‘fell short of values’ after Beetlejuice groping video”
—The Guardian
Though the pressure is more than you planned,
She’s been hoping you’ll take a firm stand.
Such a long and hard task,
But there’s help, so just ask—
Lauren Boebert can lend you a hand!
by Julia Griffin
For John Carey
“The moon’s darkest corners are a mystery. This image offers a stunning new glimpse.
NASA’s new ShadowCam is peering into places near the moon’s poles that never see sunlight.
What lurks there—and could it be harnessed to launch the next era of space exploration?
[T]he material … may have been ‘fluffier’ than typical lunar soil … ‘[W]e don’t know
if it’s icy dirt or dirty ice, [a researcher] says.”
—National Geographic
After Donne
Down the round Moon’s opaquest corners, throw
Your optics, NASA, and surprise, surprise!
Old frozen stuff, in oddly fungal guise,
Is imaged and thrust instantly on show.
Long-hidden, icy dirt takes on a glow
(Or dirty ice—a matter of surmise):
Blissful astronomers vent little cries,
Beholding spots where sunlight cannot go.
For me, though, something has been spoiled in space.
So frost which may be fluffy has been found;
For this we’re gawping through that shining face?
We all get cysts and blotches, I’ll be bound:
Viewed with respect, the Moon looks pretty good,
As artist-types have always understood.
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Ever wonder what the Sun looked like in its infancy? A new image from NASA’s
James Webb Space Telescope has captured what Earth’s sun looked like when it was
only a few tens of thousands of years old.”
—NPR
A cute, baby Sun—an adorable scene!
But how did our giant star look as a teen?
This question now has me enormously vexed.
At some point I’d love to send NASA a text.
Perhaps they’d reply with a puzzled ellipsis: …
A dark, brooding Sun? Well, that’s what an eclipse is!
by Marshall Begel
“[A] Harvard-trained doctor specializing in cosmetic dentistry [noticed] an unsettling trend
among celebrity smiles: Everybody had the exact same teeth. Unnaturally perfect.”
—The Washington Post
Color me as unsurprised.
Actors’ teeth were analyzed.
Once again, it’s brought to light—
Hollywood is straight and white.