by Marshall Begel
“Breast milk-flavored ice cream to be delivered in 9 months”
—New York Daily News
If you’re the type to keep abreast
Of thrilling flavors, we suggest
The ice cream treat that’s all the rage—
Appropriate for any age!
With love pumped into every batch,
We all but guarantee a latch.
Enjoy a dish or blended shake
Just like your mother used to make!
by Julia Griffin
“Cockles, Mussels and Bodyguards: Dublin Acts to Protect Molly Malone Statue
The city said it would provide stewards for its statue of the folk song figure—
and repair its bust, which has been damaged by excessive touching.”
—The New York Times
(To the tune of “Cockles and Mussels“)
For Barbara, again
In Dublin’s fair city,
Where girls are so titty,
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,
As she shone like a goddess,
Too big for her bodice,
Ah what shockers! Light-blockers! They need their own throne!
They need their own throne,
They need their own throne,
Ah what shockers! Light-blockers! They need their own throne!
Men sighed, “I must pat you!”
Though she was a statue,
Like Anna, the darling of Earwicker’s heart,
Who won the term “Floozie
Inside the Jacuzzi,”
While Molly, plus trolley, got “Tart with the Cart.”
That Tart with the Cart,
That Tart with the Cart,
Yes, Molly, plus trolley, got “Tart with the Cart.”
Her breasts are rubbed shiny,
Which makes her fans whiny,
But that’s not the end of sweet Molly Malone:
For we’re building that filly
Some tough new mamillae—
Hush, ye mockers! No knockers will equal her own!
Can equal her own,
Can equal her own,
Hush, no mockers! No knockers will equal her own!
by Nicole Caruso Garcia
“‘I Felt Ashamed.’ Why One Lawyer Resigned When His Firm Caved to Trump”
—The New York Times
There’s sucking up, there’s kissing ass;
brown-nosing bakes more smarm in:
the noser knows (or doesn’t care)
just who has skimped on Charmin.
by Steven Kent
“Is this the world’s most beautiful sewage treatment plant?”
—The Guardian
Cathedrals, castles—works of art, it’s true,
Revealing all the best of man’s ability,
Yet even so, not one recycles poo;
What marriage of aesthetics and utility!
This architect outdid himself, I know—
His lines have such a real, organic flow.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Our beauty spot was a hidden gem until tourists started posting online”
—Daily Mail
It won’t be long till everyone who posted,
“A tranquil haven. Hugely recommended,”
Is back on social media complaining,
“This place was great. Until the hordes descended.”
by Ruth S. Baker
“Gopher tortoises find new home on Florida coast after astonishing journey to flee hurricane”
—The Guardian
This cohort deserves an ex-voto:
It swam, having no one to chauffeur it,
Two miles, through Helene to de Soto,
To teach us a lesson: Just gopher it!
by Timothy Steele
“Many Chinese See a Cultural Revolution in America”
—The New York Times
Despot of Grievance, by the Craven courted;
A Maoist who’s the Baddest of the Baddies:
Experts, resist him!—lest you be deported
To his golf courses and retrained as caddies.
by Dan Campion
“Tariff Gambit Bets Americans Will Swallow Higher Prices”
—The New York Times
To swallow higher prices, we
Will nibble fewer foods,
Lassoed into frugality—
So, good news, gals and dudes:
The tariffs almost guarantee
A leaner, meaner stew—
For USA obesity
A cure at last. Wahoo!
by Marshall Begel
“Columbus City school board [prevented] religious organizations… from distributing candy and other items to students”
—Columbus Dispatch
According to this city rule,
We can’t distribute sweets
To advertise our Bible school
And fill the classroom seats.
But how are students of our chapel
Likely to believe
(Without a caramel-wrapped apple)
The yearning felt by Eve?
What teaching tools could better spread
The miracles of Jesus
Than Swedish fish and pumpkin bread?
This law will simply squeeze us!
If handing out desserts must cease,
We’ll use a harder sell—
With words of kindness, friendship, peace,
And everlasting Hell.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Starmer’s 11th-hour bid to halt trade war: … The UK is hoping that concessions on tariffs for meat…
will persuade Mr Trump to give reciprocal changes, meaning it would be easier to export meat to America…”
—The Telegraph
“Birmingham [UK]’s busiest rat man is catching rodents the size of a dog”
—The i Paper
Oh Donald, what else can we do?
We don’t want a trade war with you!
We seem to have lots
Of meat for our pots
And hope you’ll take some of it, too.
by Clyde Always
“Ohio driver dropped his doughnut—and caused devastating 3-car crash that flattened 1 vehicle”
—New York Post
Glazity-hazity,
Buckeye State motorist,
irked when his donut fell
under the dash,
might have experienced
hypoglycemia—
sugar consumption can
lead to a crash.
by Marshall Begel
“Woman gets run over [while] saving parking spot for another driver”
—MSN
Through history, our forebears fought
For ownership of land—
Defense provided without thought
By every soul on hand.
The Greeks stood at Thermopylae.
China built a wall.
High stakes had no monopoly—
No quarrel was too small.
Our modern feuds are keeping pace
(A fact you can rely on)
And now, a level parking space
Becomes a hill to die on.
by Julia Griffin
“’Personnel that should not have been cut, were cut,’ Kennedy told reporters on Thursday.
‘We’re reinstating them. And that was always the plan … [W]e’re going to do 80% cuts, but 20%
of those are going to have to be reinstated, because we’ll make mistakes.’ … A program by the Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) that monitors for lead exposure in children was among
the work mistakenly gutted by the layoffs, Kennedy said. ‘There were some programs that were cut that
are being reinstated, and I believe that that’s one,’ he said.”
—The Guardian
So personnel that should not have been cut, were cut.
We made mistakes. That always was the plan.
We cut 4/5; 1/5 of that was error, but
We’ll push it all back in. I’m sure we can.
Whenever programs no one meant to gut, we gut,
Like monitoring kids exposed to lead,
We’ll reinstate them, open up the labs we shut.
Trust us. We’ll do exactly what we said.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Dinosaur tracks uncovered at site of Bonnie Prince Charlie’s refuge:
Jacobite leader was unknowingly ‘following the footprints’ of megalosaurs
after escaping to the Isle of Skye in 1746”
—The Guardian
Speed, bonnie beast, like a bird on the wing,
Though you’re not built to fly;
Soon evolution’s certain to bring
Mammals in crowns to Skye.
One hundred million years will pass.
Add sixty million more:
Here comes the homo sapiens class,
Heirs to the Meg’losaur.
Speed, bonnie beast, like a fish on the fin—
Oceans will change, that’s why:
Humans are very keen to begin;
One is desired in Skye.
Why this is so it’s hard to explain:
Men will do wondrous things:
You, I’m afraid, just hadn’t the brain
Needed to think of kings.
Speed, bonnie beast, like the world that’s in store:
Sadly, you have to die
Before there can be a big human war
Ending in flight to Skye.