by Clyde Always
“Female jogger reveals she open carries while working out—
and urges other women to run with a gun: ‘Protect yourself ladies’”
—New York Post
Will someone please call the police?
I’ve been shot and the bleeding won’t cease.
To the chick with the gun
who was out on a run
I exclaimed: “What a nice little piece!”
by Marshall Begel
“Billionaire televangelist slashes price on $14.6M Florida condo amid scrutiny over church wealth”
—Fox7 Austin
Some think I live by lavish means
In service to the Lord,
But those who look behind the scenes
Find nothing untoward.
This Rolex watch you see me wear
Was purchased by mistake—
The jeweler, clearly unaware,
Assured me it was fake.
Armani suits are cut so tight,
My arms are always numb.
No moral man would think it right
To give it to a bum.
My condo’s just a place to stay
Till housing markets crumble.
So, now you see the wondrous way
The Savior keeps me humble!
by Alaina Hammond
I want to put the internet on mute
I want a moratorium on news
To spare myself the poison at its root
But most of all, Dear God, how I want booze!
by Thomas Germana
“In a bizarre Hail Mary to convince MAGA supporters that tariffs are a good thing,
Fox News hosts and pundits flooded the network with claims that Trump’s tariffs
will turn men into real men again.”
—Yahoo News
With tariffs, our men will be more
Red-blooded than ever before!
We’ll wreck our relations
With targeted nations,
But nothing’s as manly as war!
by Stephen Gold
“Cat or dog boosts wellbeing as much as wife or husband”
—The Times
I must refuse your suit, Sir,
No wedding bells will clang.
There can be no dispute, Sir,
My heart belongs to Fang.
A stick, a ball, a run, Sir,
Long evenings by the fire,
A life of simple fun, Sir,
Are all that we desire.
Compare these days of bliss, Sir,
To decades spent with you.
When faced with that abyss, Sir,
Do I recoil? I do!
I think that we both know, Sir,
We’d meet a sorry end.
You cannot be my beau, Sir,
I’ll stick with man’s best friend.
by Marshall Begel
“Far-Right Influencers Are Hosting a $10K-per-Person Matchmaking Weekend to Repopulate the Earth”
—Wired
If you demand a countless brood
But dating leaves you daunted,
Come join our weekend interlude
Where excess wealth is flaunted!
We guarantee you will be screwed
(Though not the way you wanted).
by Eddie Aderne
“Prince George’s Education in Limbo as Prince William and Kate Middleton Visit ‘Stuffy’ Eton College”
—Scottish Daily Express
The Waleses are visiting Eton:
They’re frowning, their arms are akimbo;
Would Georgie get stuffy, or beaten?
Perhaps. So they’re looking at Limbo.
It’s awkward to find, I agree, as
No maps show it (even Carl Sagan’s),
But there he can learn from Aeneas,
And other Exceptional Pagans.
Don’t think he’ll just wiggle his belly:
That’s really a silly misnomer;
The place has no cell phones or telly,
Just unbaptized infants and Homer,
So students can focus: Lucrece is
The nearest he’ll see to a bimbo;
Don’t wait, then, until he deceases—
Send Bonnie Prince Georgie to Limbo!
by Marshall Begel
“Breast milk-flavored ice cream to be delivered in 9 months”
—New York Daily News
If you’re the type to keep abreast
Of thrilling flavors, we suggest
The ice cream treat that’s all the rage—
Appropriate for any age!
With love pumped into every batch,
We all but guarantee a latch.
Enjoy a dish or blended shake
Just like your mother used to make!
by Julia Griffin
“Cockles, Mussels and Bodyguards: Dublin Acts to Protect Molly Malone Statue
The city said it would provide stewards for its statue of the folk song figure—
and repair its bust, which has been damaged by excessive touching.”
—The New York Times
(To the tune of “Cockles and Mussels“)
For Barbara, again
In Dublin’s fair city,
Where girls are so titty,
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,
As she shone like a goddess,
Too big for her bodice,
Ah what shockers! Light-blockers! They need their own throne!
They need their own throne,
They need their own throne,
Ah what shockers! Light-blockers! They need their own throne!
Men sighed, “I must pat you!”
Though she was a statue,
Like Anna, the darling of Earwicker’s heart,
Who won the term “Floozie
Inside the Jacuzzi,”
While Molly, plus trolley, got “Tart with the Cart.”
That Tart with the Cart,
That Tart with the Cart,
Yes, Molly, plus trolley, got “Tart with the Cart.”
Her breasts are rubbed shiny,
Which makes her fans whiny,
But that’s not the end of sweet Molly Malone:
For we’re building that filly
Some tough new mamillae—
Hush, ye mockers! No knockers will equal her own!
Can equal her own,
Can equal her own,
Hush, no mockers! No knockers will equal her own!
by Nicole Caruso Garcia
“‘I Felt Ashamed.’ Why One Lawyer Resigned When His Firm Caved to Trump”
—The New York Times
There’s sucking up, there’s kissing ass;
brown-nosing bakes more smarm in:
the noser knows (or doesn’t care)
just who has skimped on Charmin.
by Steven Kent
“Is this the world’s most beautiful sewage treatment plant?”
—The Guardian
Cathedrals, castles—works of art, it’s true,
Revealing all the best of man’s ability,
Yet even so, not one recycles poo;
What marriage of aesthetics and utility!
This architect outdid himself, I know—
His lines have such a real, organic flow.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Our beauty spot was a hidden gem until tourists started posting online”
—Daily Mail
It won’t be long till everyone who posted,
“A tranquil haven. Hugely recommended,”
Is back on social media complaining,
“This place was great. Until the hordes descended.”
by Ruth S. Baker
“Gopher tortoises find new home on Florida coast after astonishing journey to flee hurricane”
—The Guardian
This cohort deserves an ex-voto:
It swam, having no one to chauffeur it,
Two miles, through Helene to de Soto,
To teach us a lesson: Just gopher it!
by Timothy Steele
“Many Chinese See a Cultural Revolution in America”
—The New York Times
Despot of Grievance, by the Craven courted;
A Maoist who’s the Baddest of the Baddies:
Experts, resist him!—lest you be deported
To his golf courses and retrained as caddies.
by Dan Campion
“Tariff Gambit Bets Americans Will Swallow Higher Prices”
—The New York Times
To swallow higher prices, we
Will nibble fewer foods,
Lassoed into frugality—
So, good news, gals and dudes:
The tariffs almost guarantee
A leaner, meaner stew—
For USA obesity
A cure at last. Wahoo!