by Edmund Conti

P zero one one three
Five eight zero nine.
My advice: you better flee,
Get Putin on the line.

by Steven Kent

“Georgia sheriff pleads guilty to groping TV judge”
—The Guardian

A miscommunication, judge, between us—
I merely meant to serve her my subpoenas!
Now Sheriff Coody finally understands
He can’t just take the law in his own hands.

by Alex Steelsmith

“The Smithsonian has formed a task force to address the massive collection of human remains held by its museums,
which includes 255 human brains that were removed primarily from dead Black and Indigenous people,
as well as other people of color, without the consent or knowledge of their families.”
—Democracy Now

Jiggery diggery,
curious scientists
shouldn’t be looting through
human remains.

Now the Smithsonian’s
anthropological
holdings are making us
question its brains.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“…is going to university still worth it?”
—Sky News

I studied English Lit. at Glasgow U.:
A waste of time in terms of a vocation,
But every time I fail an interview
I’m lauded for my written application.

by Marshall Begel

“Woman learns she’s half a credit shy of graduating high school,
16 years after receiving diploma”
—WSAZ

You somehow find the muscles of your eyes,
And pry your lids apart to realize

That sound was not a scream, but your alarm.
There’s no tattoo of Trump around your arm.

You are not being ruthlessly pursued
By hungry bears while hiding in the nude.

But dread about your high school English grade
Turns out to be the nightmare that won’t fade.

by Steven Kent

“Supreme Court justice Thomas took 38 undisclosed vacations from rich friends”
—The Guardian

(To the tune of Cole Porter’s “Love for Sale“)

When the only folks I find about
Are rich men with their wallets out,
That’s when my bags I pack;
I don’t look back.
And I say nothing, heaven knows,
About these trips I don’t disclose—
The secret’s safe with me,
As all can see.

Law for sale,
Every kind of case law for sale:
Law to give the donor class
Stuff the House won’t even pass.
Law for sale.

Who will pay?
Who’s my benefactor today?
If you have a pending tort,
Buy a buddy on the Court.
Law for sale.

Let the likes of Harlan Crow underwrite my jaunts;
We’re compadres, don’t you know—he gets what he wants,
For we share so many cares,
Me and all these billionaires.
New law, old law,
I do what I’m told. Law

for sale.
Enterprising me! Law for sale.
Own a private jet or yacht?
Come and show me what you’ve got.
Law for sale.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Bank of Ireland has issued an apology following a recent technical glitch that permitted
certain customers to withdraw funds exceeding their account balances”
—The Economic Times

Execs say they’re sorry, but we’re saying thanks
For letting the leprechauns manage the banks.

by Bryan Hendrix

“Trump: Report on Monday Will Result in ‘Complete Exoneration’ in Georgia”
–The Hill

(Apologies to Howard Johnson and Theodore Morse (“M-O-T-H-E-R”))

E is for ELECTION that was STOLEN!
X is for X-PREZ but NOT FOR LONG!
O is for OH, LOOK HOW HIGH I’M POLLIN’!
N is for the NOTHING I DID WRONG!
E is for my EVIDENCE, EXTENSIVE!
R’s for I’ll REVEAL it RIGHT AWAY!
A is for ATTORNEYS are EXPENSIVE!
T is for THANK GOD I never pay!
E’s for EVIDENCE is OVERRATED!
D is for DELAY’s the best DEFENSE!
WHAT’S THAT SPELL? It spells EXONERATED!
(But if I’m not, I’ll blame it all on PENCE!)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“World famous Soho club where people pay £3,000 to see saucy acts has its licence extended”
—MyLondon

The news will raise morale among the artists,
Who faced the threat of closure for a spell,
And maybe raise some eyebrows in the district,
And maybe raise some other things as well.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Michigan woman finds live frog in package of spinach… ‘Just thank god I didn’t eat the frog,’ she said.”
—UPI

Ribbety riddledy,
swallowed amphibia
likely won’t kill you, but
still aren’t a joke;

never mind people who
unsympathetically
say with a smirk that they
hope you don’t croak.

by Claudia Gary

“Fidgeting is often seen as rude or an indication that someone is not concentrating.
But if these simple movements are beneficial for our health, maybe they should be indulged…”
—BBC

Although I fidget to extract
peak health from stressors soaring,
this doesn’t change the awkward fact
that some of you are boring.

by Dan Campion

“Scientists Recreate Pink Floyd Song by [Scanning] Brain Signals of Listeners”
—The New York Times

Long live Pink Floyd. But why not Bach?
Poulenc? Ravel? Satie?
Not that I don’t love classic rock;
But scan my Debussy!

by Brian Allgar

“A Japanese dog lover who achieved internet fame by dressing head to toe in a bespoke collie costume…
transforms into the collie once a week … His antics were seemingly well-received in the video of him
walking on all fours in a park by passers-by and other dogs, who seemed inquisitive above all else.”
—Daily Mail

He had a Collie costume made,
And wore it once a week.
He roamed the park, he barked and bayed,
Which drew a canine clique.

And in the manner of their kind,
They greeted him on sight,
But when they sniffed at his behind,
It didn’t smell quite right.

by Marshall Begel

“Shortest Workout Ever: 3 Seconds of Exercise 3 Times a Week Grows Muscle”
—ScienceAlert

“Petting other people’s dogs, even briefly, can boost your health”
—NPR

That 3-second workout became such a slog,
So now I just look for a neighborhood dog.
By giving old Rover a wink and a nod,
I’m still on my way to a beautiful bod!

by Gail White

“Barbie passes $1 billion in ticket sales”
—YouTube

I do not need a bright pink car.
I do not need a guy like Ken,
a smiling plastic movie star.
In point of fact, I don’t need men.

I have escaped Mattel’s embrace,
like Socrates, whose mind was freed
by walking through the marketplace
to see how much he didn’t need.