by Nora Jay
“The updated model that underpins the AI chatbot and helps inform its answers was rolled out this week—
and has quickly been rolled back after users questioned why the interactions were so obsequious.”
—The Guardian
The model underneath AI
Rolled out, then in, directly. Why?
Just too obsequious! (I guess
They trained it on the White House Press.)
(Sweet and fitting it is to posture for one’s country)
by Neil Doherty
“Mr. Trump told aides he wanted to make it back to his golf resort
in New Jersey before the end of the day.”
—The New York Times
I’ve spent a few hours in Rome …
Did somebody mention decorum?
Zelensky is heard, Pope Francis interred,
No time for the Trevi or Forum.
I’ve snubbed other shindigs in Rome.
Who cares what the foreigner thinks?
There’s no need to wait on more heads of state
When I could be out on the links.
by Thomas Germana
“Fresh from space, NASA’s oldest full-time astronaut said Monday that weightlessness made him feel decades younger,
with everyday aches and pains vanishing. … [He also said] he threw up all over the Kazak steppes upon touchdown,
the result of feeling gravity for the first time in 220 days.”
—The Associated Press
As aching returns to replace
His extraterrestrial grace,
He doesn’t look good,
But who the hell would?
I think we should give him some space.
by Julia Griffin
For Mary; after Ben Jonson
“Scientists [in 2013] showed that Ronan, a resident of the Long Marine Laboratory at the University of California, Santa Cruz,
was the first nonhuman mammal who could be trained to keep a beat, including moving in time with music. …
Researchers recently decided to test the 15-year-old sea lion’s skills again and showed that not only had she improved
her ability to bob her head in sync with beats, but she is even better than most humans at doing so.”
—The New York Times
Come, my Sea Lion, let us prove
How a flap-eared head can move.
Time will not be ours forever;
Timing, though, is always clever.
Spend not, then, your gifts in vain:
Though you lack a human brain,
Still your head deserves a crown
As it’s bobbing up and down.
Why should we withhold our cheers?
Though you’ve reached, in human years,
Fifty-odd, your whiskers’ whirl
Proves you still have got it, girl;
Judging from your Facebook views,
You’re the craze of Santa Cruz.
Oldies all, discard your fear!
Ronan’s better every year,
First non-human on the scene:
Pinnipedal Bouncing Queen.
by Clyde Always
“NYPD puts out steamy, cleavage-bearing wanted poster as it looks to bust sultry robbery suspect”
—New York Post
Juggity-thuggity,
Lucie the fugitive
showed, in a pic that’s been
widely discussed,
two very prominent
idiosyncrasies,
leading police to her
newsworthy bust.
by Thomas Germana
“‘I’d like to be pope,’ Trump told reporters outside the White House. ‘That would be my number one choice.’”
—USA Today
He’d like to be pope, he (half-) jokingly said,
Appointed the pontiff in Francis’s stead.
Believing he’s holy, he’d have it arranged,
Ignoring of course that he’s wholly deranged.
By Marshall Begel
“At a mountain resort in eastern China… officials have spent millions building a sprawling network of outdoor escalators
designed to deliver visitors to the summit of a 1,500-meter mountain…”
—Vice
Must mountain vistas be reserved
for those considered steely-nerved,
who learn to keep their fears in check
in preparation for the trek?
Or should such sites be modified
so anyone can take a ride
up multitudes of moving stairs
(that likely need nonstop repairs)?
Although a trail may be expanded,
no fate is worse than being stranded,
and those who count on moving parts
are people with the stoutest hearts.
by Dan Campion
“President Says He Could Bring Back Wrongly Deported Man, but Won’t”
—The New York Times
I won’t, and you can’t make me, see.
I’ve got my own reality.
What I say goes. It’s what must be.
That guy’s a gangster. Just like me.
by Julia Griffin
For Tam
“A Michigan federal judge… ordered an East Lansing, Michigan, firm called Dragon Lawyers PC
to stop plastering its pleadings with a large, suit-clad purple cartoon dragon, saying it’s not only
‘distracting, it’s juvenile and impertinent.’”
—Law360
A purple dragon in a business suit
Will render an attorney’s action moot.
From this unprecedented case we find
The scales of Justice are a different kind.
by Julia Griffin
“Historians dispute Bayeux tapestry penis tally after lengthy debate: Two Bayeux scholars at loggerheads
over whether dangling shape depicts dagger or the embroidery’s 94th phallus”
—The Guardian
Experts differ on the tally
Of Bayeux’s embroidered phalli.
It’s agreed by both our sources
There are 88 on horses,
But the 16 fixtures dangling
From the men have sparked some wrangling.
One of these, the most obtrusive,
Seems bizarrely inconclusive:
Expert 1 says: “Dagger! Gracious!”
Expert 2 thinks that’s fallacious.
by Dan Campion
“Hidden magma cap discovered at Yellowstone National Park”
—ABC News
The headline looked like “maga cap.”
I wondered, “What in Hades? No!”
But checked again my mental map.
How oddly buried feelings flow.
by Steven Kent
“Pope Francis’s last sacrifice in a lifetime of sacrifice: Granting an audience to JD Vance”
—The Guardian
Suppose you’re Pope:
You wear the hat,
A man of hope
And love, all that.
You reach death’s door:
Your final glance
Reveals a boor,
One JD Vance,
A man with whom
You’ve no accord—
Beyond the tomb
You’d ask, “Why, Lord?”
by Clyde Always
“Barefoot Florida man wrangles 7-foot alligator with trash can in insane video”
—New York Post
Toeity-showity,
Dragich of Jacksonville
wrangled a gator, sans
footwear or socks.
Fans are in awe of his
extemporaneous
exploit. Perhaps now he’ll
pick up some Crocs.
by Marshall Begel
“OpenAI boss Sam Altman has admitted that saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to chatbots like ChatGPT is stacking up tens of millions
of dollars in computing costs. … [He] quipped it was ‘tens of millions of dollars well spent.’”
—EuroWeekly News
Religion asks, when people pray,
They use decorum to convey
Their gratitude for things received,
And summaries of things they need
In hopes that, when they meet their ends,
Their virtue brings them dividends.
So why should people make a scene
When I’m polite to some machine?
I think it’s worth some social friction
Because I know, from science fiction,
When AI drones turn self-aware,
Those rude to tech won’t have a prayer.
By Alex Steelsmith
“A Kentucky man named Art Weston… has a knack for snagging giant fish. He reportedly holds 40 world records,
but this one truly set the bar… The gar weighed 153 pounds, and it took… hours to land it.”
—Men’s Journal
Higgledy-snaggledy,
Weston the fisherman
characteristically
raises the bar;
breaking his fortieth
ichthyological
record, he lands a gar-
gantuan gar.