by Marshall Begel

“Columbus City school board [prevented] religious organizations… from distributing candy and other items to students”
—Columbus Dispatch

According to this city rule,
We can’t distribute sweets
To advertise our Bible school
And fill the classroom seats.

But how are students of our chapel
Likely to believe
(Without a caramel-wrapped apple)
The yearning felt by Eve?

What teaching tools could better spread
The miracles of Jesus
Than Swedish fish and pumpkin bread?
This law will simply squeeze us!

If handing out desserts must cease,
We’ll use a harder sell—
With words of kindness, friendship, peace,
And everlasting Hell.

by Simon MacCulloch

“Starmer’s 11th-hour bid to halt trade war: … The UK is hoping that concessions on tariffs for meat…
will persuade Mr Trump to give reciprocal changes, meaning it would be easier to export meat to America…”
—The Telegraph

“Birmingham [UK]’s busiest rat man is catching rodents the size of a dog”
—The i Paper

Oh Donald, what else can we do?
We don’t want a trade war with you!
We seem to have lots
Of meat for our pots
And hope you’ll take some of it, too.

by Clyde Always

“Ohio driver dropped his doughnut—and caused devastating 3-car crash that flattened 1 vehicle”
—New York Post

Glazity-hazity,
Buckeye State motorist,
irked when his donut fell
under the dash,

might have experienced
hypoglycemia—
sugar consumption can
lead to a crash.

by Marshall Begel

“Woman gets run over [while] saving parking spot for another driver”
—MSN

Through history, our forebears fought
For ownership of land—
Defense provided without thought
By every soul on hand.

The Greeks stood at Thermopylae.
China built a wall.
High stakes had no monopoly—
No quarrel was too small.

Our modern feuds are keeping pace
(A fact you can rely on)
And now, a level parking space
Becomes a hill to die on.

by Julia Griffin

“’Personnel that should not have been cut, were cut,’ Kennedy told reporters on Thursday.
‘We’re reinstating them. And that was always the plan … [W]e’re going to do 80% cuts, but 20%
of those are going to have to be reinstated, because we’ll make mistakes.’ … A program by the Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) that monitors for lead exposure in children was among
the work mistakenly gutted by the layoffs, Kennedy said. ‘There were some programs that were cut that
are being reinstated, and I believe that that’s one,’ he said.”
—The Guardian

So personnel that should not have been cut, were cut.
We made mistakes. That always was the plan.
We cut 4/5; 1/5 of that was error, but
We’ll push it all back in. I’m sure we can.

Whenever programs no one meant to gut, we gut,
Like monitoring kids exposed to lead,
We’ll reinstate them, open up the labs we shut.
Trust us. We’ll do exactly what we said.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Cory Booker makes history with longest Senate floor speech, in protest of Trump agenda”
—CNN

Strom, famous for his opposition to
Equality for folks of Cory’s hue,
Loses the long speech record to guess who.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Dinosaur tracks uncovered at site of Bonnie Prince Charlie’s refuge:
Jacobite leader was unknowingly ‘following the footprints’ of megalosaurs
after escaping to the Isle of Skye in 1746”
—The Guardian

Speed, bonnie beast, like a bird on the wing,
Though you’re not built to fly;
Soon evolution’s certain to bring
Mammals in crowns to Skye.

One hundred million years will pass.
Add sixty million more:
Here comes the homo sapiens class,
Heirs to the Meg’losaur.

Speed, bonnie beast, like a fish on the fin—
Oceans will change, that’s why:
Humans are very keen to begin;
One is desired in Skye.

Why this is so it’s hard to explain:
Men will do wondrous things:
You, I’m afraid, just hadn’t the brain
Needed to think of kings.

Speed, bonnie beast, like the world that’s in store:
Sadly, you have to die
Before there can be a big human war
Ending in flight to Skye.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“The second Trump administration has shown remarkable aggression in abruptly
canceling hundreds of millions of dollars in research grants at elite universities—
in an effort to force them to make major policy changes in line with the president’s politics.”
—Vox

Restoring funding will depend
On squelching views that might offend.
Afraid your school will be bereft?
You’re safe if you offend the Left.

by Steven Kent

“Elon Musk tells Tesla employees to hold on to their stock amid harsh selloff”
—The Guardian

The future’s bright,
So do not sell.
I know I’m right!
How bright? Can’t tell.

We’ll bear the torch
As Tesla dips
And vandals scorch
Our dealerships.

Though some will shun
Our brand, ho ho—
The Prez got one
A week ago!

(That sale I made,
But might regret—
He’s never paid
A single debt.)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘Do not eat’ warning on cereal favourite over fears it contains INSECTS”
—Daily Mail

The folk in charge are clearly not
An enterprising bunch.
They should have got some stickers done:
“And now with added CRUNCH!”

by Clyde Always

“NYC school’s pet chicken dies in egg-laying tragedy despite parents shelling out $2K in vet bills”
—New York Post

Dear Parents, your children are greatly distraught
by the death of their chicken who valiantly fought
for her life and she’ll always inhabit a spot
in our hearts—now, her vet bills came out to a lot
and I’m grateful for all the donations I got
but these carrots and onions and noodles are not
what I meant when I asked you to add to the pot.

by Nora Jay

(After Banjo Paterson)

“Mike Waltz, the national security adviser who invited Atlantic journalist Jeffrey Goldberg into a top-secret
US military planning group chat, has played down the impact of leaked text messages”
—The Guardian

“I didn’t see this loser in the group. He looked like someone else.”
—Waltz to Laura Ingraham

Once some jolly swagmen met on a Signal chat,
Under-informed on such things as cc,
And they sang as they planned to pulverize those Yemenis:
Sadly, they Signaled to Loser JG.

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
You’ll come a-Waltzing on prime-time TV:
Come and dance round the truth and blame the whole embarrassment,
Waltzing Adviser, on Loser JG.

Down came the Press and had themselves a field day;
Up jumped the Waltzman, eventually,
Singing: “I built the group, I take responsibility,
Still, all the blame goes to Loser JG!”

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
You’ll come a-Waltzing, as vexed as can be:
“All I’m asking,” he sang, “is, is it a coincidence
That we were crashed on by Loser JG?”

Down came the Dems, unable to believe their luck,
Schumer, Hakeem, and of course AOC,
Singing: “What kind of fool talks war plans on a Signal app?
As for the loser, it isn’t JG!”

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
You’ll keep a-Waltzing, while bending the knee:
Though it seems that the White House isn’t very pleased with you,
Since you’ve exposed it to Loser JG.

What’s coming next for all those swagmen on the chat?
Zilch, I suspect, though that may be just me;
And this scandal will soon be swallowed by another one,
Thanks to such scumbags as Loser JG.

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
Cling to your job; show you’re wholly shame-free!
And as long as you snarl while crawling to the President,
He’ll keep a-raging at Loser JG.

by Marshall Begel

“China Considers Sending Forces for Ukraine Peacekeeping”
—MSN

Russia gets the Donbas,
Crimea and Kharkiv.
The US runs the power plants, intent to never leave.
China trades with Russia,
And waits for war to cease,
Expecting (poorly translated) the chance to keep a “piece.”

by Julia Griffin

For Tam

“Kristi Noem wears $50,000 watch in El Salvador prison”
—The Washington Post

What time is it, Governor Noem?
El Salvador’s different from home;
It’s six when the sun there has risen:
There’s no Daylight Time in that prison;

There’s also no privacy there,
And no one gets sheets or fresh air;
But then, as we know from Fox News,
They’re gangsters: observe their tattoos.

Your pose with those men in their cages
(A photo, I’d say, for the ages),
Displayed—surely nobody missed—
That treasure you wear on your wrist,

A watch that is usually reckoned
Precise to a slice of a second;
In prison, by contrast, alas,
Not even a Timex will pass,

So I’m wondering, Governor Kristi,
Before your impressions grow misty,
Did any that prison contains,
Consigned there in shackles and chains,

Forced cattle-wise over the border,
Regardless of law or of order,
Convicted of no kind of crime:
Did anyone ask you the time?

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Trump bemoans a portrait of him – but gets a new one from Putin”
—BBC

(With a nod to Robbie Burns)

O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie the C-
In-C to see himself as others do:
Less presidential than Barack, Joe B
Or Dubya, and all predecessors too.
No portrait can distort him if it paints
The truly worst: oil on the canvas did
Him justice, and his clamorous complaints
Extol the artist capturing his id
(Commissioned for the space his idol hung
Awhile in). But her skill at portraits can
Not match the gloss of portraitists among
Vlad Putin’s circle, who made MAGA Man
Appear a thing of beauty … O, wad he
See who we see, resign, and set us free!