Poems of the Week

Shrouded in Mystery

by Alex Steelsmith

“[D]ental surgeon Dr. John Sottosanti presents striking evidence that the lower teeth of the man
on the Shroud of Turin may, in fact, be visible… Sottosanti argues [this] could only appear if the image
were seared onto the cloth by a burst of radiant energy at the moment of Christ’s Resurrection.”
—Zenit

Readily, steadily,
skeptics and scientists
scoff at the argument,
yet underneath

all of their claims that it’s
unverifiable
have to acknowledge it
might have some teeth.

Now We’re Teed Off

by Steven Kent

“McIlroy condemns ‘unacceptable’ Ryder Cup abuse…”
—The Guardian

Country Club hooligans? Here? Sacre bleu,
Save it for soccer in Spain.
Golf is a gentleman’s game—O, mon Dieu,
Bartenders, hide the champagne!

Ruffianism could leave someone hurt,
Thus we must take a firm stance:
Act with decorum (but wear a loud shirt
Coupled with hideous pants).

Drill, Baby, Drill!

by Stephen Gold

“‘No more beardos’: Hegseth gives military branches 60 days to end shaving waivers for almost all US troops”
—Stars and Stripes

There is now a new regime, and as harsh as it may seem,
It’s your duty to be sharper than a knife
(Though we’re hoping you won’t notice
That it’s all to serve a POTUS
Who has never served a minute in his life).

Minor Problem

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Should children be banned from pubs?”
—BBC

It’s up to individual pubs
To ban them if they choose,
But I would only ban them if
They couldn’t hold their booze.

High and Dry

by Julia Griffin

“Trump hangs autopen photo instead of Biden portrait in new presidential gallery”
—The Guardian

In Biden’s place, he hangs an autopen,
With all his customary grace and sense.
No honor, then, for Sleepy Joe; but then,
Consider how Trump would have hanged Mike Pence.

Faust-Tracked

by Stephen Gold

“Seven charities have dropped the Duchess of York as a patron or ambassador after an email
from 2011 revealed that she called sex offender Jeffrey Epstein her ‘supreme friend’…”
—BBC

If you have nothing in the bank,
Beware the charismatic Yank
Who offers to relieve your plight.
Although his “kindness” may delight,
Its price is forfeiting your soul,
And now, to boot, your royal role.

O Fergie, why were you so dumb
To gobble each and every crumb
That creep dropped in your yawning maw?
How was it that you never saw
That feeding from his toxic hand
Would so contaminate your brand?

You think the reckoning’s severe?
Well, here’s the honest truth, my dear.
Kowtowing to a pedophile
Attracts a special kind of bile.
The lesson’s clear: If, craving ease,
You lie with dogs, then you get fleas.

A Grave Mistake

by Alex Steelsmith

“Human remains found in bag at Tampa International Airport…”
—Tampa Bay Times

Sniffingly, whiffingly,
airport authorities
might have smelled something that
raised a red flag.

Had it been traveling
transcontinentally?
Was it concealed in a
carrion bag?

On a Spectrum All His Own

by Chris O’Carroll

“President Trump and top federal health officials on Monday launched a broad offensive against
the mainstream understanding of autism, claiming without new evidence that acetaminophen—
the active ingredient in the common pain reliever Tylenol—was a cause of the disorder.”
—The New York Times

The Nobel Peace Prize still eludes his grasp,
But he could win for Medicine, perhaps.
This is his MAGA version of life hackery—
A deep dive in the shallow end of quackery.

AI Delusional Disorder

by Miriam N. Kotzin

“The mass adoption of large language model (LLM) chatbots is resulting in large numbers
of mental health crises centered around AI use…”
—Futurism

Are you the victim of a grand
conspiracy? Has someone planned
to take you for a one-way ride?
Or do you stay awake, blear-eyed,
with every Erdős problem solved,
transnational disputes resolved
by you, who also have designed
a no-stick bundt pan? You’re inclined
to run things by your chatbot now
(you favor Gemini) and vow
that you’ll get everything that’s due
to you, for Gemini’s your new
wise confidant, your trusted friend
affirming all you apprehend.

Fame (Remember My Name?)

by Steven Kent

“Morrissey cancels two US shows over ‘credible threat’ on his life”
—The Guardian

There comes a day when fame by time is bested
And erstwhile idols cannot get arrested.
But that’s what bad PR is for, you see—
Without it, who would think of Morrissey?

The Price of Predation

by Dan Campion

“New dinosaur discovered in Argentina with a crocodile leg in its jaws: ‘More than one way to be a top predator’”
—CBS

Before the gauchos, and our jaws,
The megaraptors raked their claws
Across the pampas and high plains
For tasty bits of legs and brains.
A meteor then fell, we think,
Which spelled the end of meat and drink
For Joaquinraptor and his ilk.
Let’s go with rice and beans and milk.

Going Overboard

by Marshall Begel

“Cruise Ship Passenger With $16,000 Gambling Debt Jumps Overboard”
—The New York Times

Don’t judge this debtholder
unsympathetically,
given that workable
choices were stark:

either his requisite
pound of flesh went to a
neighborhood loan shark or
literal shark.

A Farewell To Liberty?

by Jerome Betts

“ICE crackdowns intensify across Boston as sanctuary cities face Trump’s latest operation”
—The Associated Press

French lady with the flaming torch
Before the USA’s front porch,
How many weeks till DJT
Deports you back across the sea?

A Lesson On Double Negatives

by Thomas Germana

“President Trump announced Wednesday that he will designate antifa as a terrorist organization,
and is recommending investigations into people who allegedly fund it. … Antifa—short for anti-fascist—
is a loose affiliation of mostly left-leaning activists, and generally is not considered to be a highly
organized group.”
—CBS

To all you SICK ANTIFA THUGS,
You better hide your UGLY MUGS.
You’re DONE! Now RUN! We’ll HUNT your kind
Till “FA” is all that’s left behind!

Shackles and Food Chains