by Julia Griffin

“Michelin-starred sushi restaurateurs the Onodera Group said they had paid
207 million yen on Sunday for [a 608 pound] bluefin tuna, roughly the size
and weight of a motorbike.”
—The Guardian

“A woman with no man,” we said, “is like … ”
The motto seemed forgotten, but this year
(Allowing for the upgrade of the bike)
We’ve half of the ingredients right here.

by Neil Doherty

“There is Faith in Humor”
—Pope Francis, The New York Times

No wonder the pontiff is popular.
This priest is a regular bloke:
A little bit pious, but jocular,
The man tells a bloody good joke.

In that sanctum of pomp and pomposity,
Let the bishop break out in a grin.
A little old-fashioned jocosity’s
No longer a cardinal sin.

by Julia Griffin

“‘Santa Claus’ sarcophagus believed to be discovered during excavation project…
The discovery was made at St. Nicholas Church in the Demre district of Antalya,
Turkey, as part of an excavation initiated by Turkey’s Ministry of Culture and
Tourism. The sarcophagus was found in the church’s two-story annex, which is believed
to be the original burial site of Saint Nicholas, a bishop who lived in the ancient
city of Myra during the fourth century.”
—Fox News

’Twas the week before Christmas, and all round the tomb
Stood cameras, ready for watchers on Zoom:
An expert has pinpointed (pause for applause!)
The last-known address of the Saint known as “Claus.”
’Tis he, who dropped dowries through chimneys, and froze
False Arians out with profound Ho, Ho, Ho!s,
Stopped famine, showed Nicaea’s Council the way,
And dodged Diocletian with reindeer and sleigh.
How splendid an Advent adventure to find
The grave of this bishop, the best of his kind!
And the tourism agencies own with a cheer
That Christmas has come one week early this year.

by Matt Schatz

(After Wham)

Last Chanukah, I gave you eight hearts
But the very next day
You gave me oy vey

This yontif
I’ll get what I want if
I give them to my friend Heschel

by Steven Kent

“A Bagel Shop Closed, and the Upper West Side Is Absolutely Losing It”
—The New York Times

Burning planet on the brink,
Millions lacking food and drink,
Flood and fire and endless war—
Lots to be alarmed here for.
Still, what leaves us screaming twice is
Called by some a First World crisis:
Can’t acquire and can’t finagle
Absolute, the New York bagel.

Donut? Muffin? Let’s be clear:
Nothing else is worth a schmear.
Upper West Side, represent—
Time to voice our discontent,
Draw a line now in the sand, man:
This aggression will not stand, man!
Angry, surely—got to shout it.
Sara Lee? Fugeddaboudit!

by Steven Kent

“Feeling at home? New app lets US homebuyers see neighbors’ politics”
—The Guardian

The couple to our left is to our Right,
And now we barely sleep a wink at night.
We wonder: are they equally bereft
To learn we’re on their right but on their Left?

by Stephen Gold

“Intermittent fasting ‘can make your hair shorter and thinner'”
—The Times

In my efforts to get slim,
I have found that fasting’s grim,
And its side-effects have left me quite appalled.
Though I may have shrunk in size,
I am speechless with surprise,
And cannot believe my eyes—I’m going bald!

I’m follicularly screwed!
Pardon me for being rude,
But I can’t describe my overwhelming sorrow.
It’s so true, as has been said:
Choose to spurn your daily bread,
And you’ll find that hair today is gone tomorrow.

by Iris Herriot

“A few years ago…, locals fishing Georgia’s Bashplemi Lake in the municipality
of Dmanisi came across… a small stone tablet inscribed with dozens of mysterious symbols.
Now a team of archaeologists from across Georgia has confirmed the impressions represent
samples of a [Bronze Age] script that has never been documented … Roughly the size
of an iPad, the basalt tablet features just 39 different characters in 60 inscriptions
written left to right across seven lines. … Who crafted the symbols, or why, is open to speculation.”
—Science Alert

The tablet of Bashplemi Lake
Is declared by the experts no fake,
But they cannot yet tell
If its content’s a spell
Or directions for making a cake.

Or perhaps it’s what comes by default
If you press, accidentally, ALT:
═ ╠ ʘ ╪ ╒ ╦
╟ ╧ ⸨ ↂ ╬ ╩
(To be taken with pinches of Ө).

by Marshall Begel

“A woman’s self-incriminating diary entry helped police arrest her on auto theft charges.”
—MSN

As personal diary, I can provide
A judgement-free space in which you can confide
Embarrassing incidents making you blush,
Your troubles in art class, or blossoming crush.

And while you are musing, be sure to report
Your major pursuits of the criminal sort,
With all of the details you’re able to share,
Including the names of the friends who were there.

I promise, you’ll feel a cathartic release.

Sincerely,
Your Journal
(and local police)

by Dan Campion

“Could mouse sperm orbiting Earth be the future of humanity?”
—CNN

Some questions just should not be asked.
This is, of many, one.
I understand a scribe was tasked
To make a headline fun,
But—due respect to Mickey Mouse,
Toward Minnie, sweetly potent—
I’d think a Berlioz or Strauss
Should donate, not a rodent.

by Chris O’Carroll

“In the days since… Luigi Mangione was identified and charged in the murder
of the UnitedHealthcare chief executive Brian Thompson, it has been impossible
to escape his photo. . . . Indeed, it didn’t take long for Mr. Mangione to be popularly
christened ‘the hot assassin.'”
—The New York Times

Is it OK to shoot a CEO?
For ordinary-looking people, no.
But if the public finds you buff and hot,
Embrace celebrity and take your shot.

by Steven Kent

“To Show His Health Credentials, Kennedy Ditches His Shirt”
—The New York Times

Bobby, Bobby, he’s our man,
Buffest of his Bay State clan!
Rarely do our Cabinet Secs
Boast a set of sculpted pecs.

Fears no virus, dreads no germ,
Brain half-eaten by a worm—
Sadly (should we cry or laugh?)
Bob retains the lesser half.

by Stephen Gold

“Let inmates help train prison guards, says charity”
—The Times

I was trained by Strangler Boone,
And am proud to say that soon
I was thoroughly conversant with the rules.
Much respected by his peers,
He was serving fifty years,
For garroting Mom and stealing all her jewels.

Mr. Boone explained to me
That he’d like to have a key,
And that nobody above me would object.
I considered his request
And concluded it was best
To comply (a tad unwise in retrospect).

My mistake was brought to light
In the middle of the night,
When a cry went up that, “Strangler isn’t here!”
Mr. Boone had slipped away,
And I’m very sad to say
That along with him departed my career.

I admit I was naive
To provide the means to leave,
And the lesson is, as every warden knows,
When it comes to wily schemes,
All custodial regimes
Must remember that the cons are also pros.

by Bob McKenty

Star of wonder, this December night,
May the way to Bethlehem be shown
By your effervescent, guiding light.
False alarm! (It’s just a Jersey drone.)

by Steven Kent

“‘Mummy would prefer you not to do that’: How ‘no’ became a dirty word in parenting”
—The Guardian

Now, don’t say Mummy isn’t fun,
But some things, darling, just aren’t done.
It’s better, dear, if we should choose
To not steal Conor’s coat and shoes,
And won’t it be so jolly if
We don’t shove Carly off a cliff?
Why, yes, you’d be within your rights
To punch out little Liam’s lights,
Yet doing so would seem ill-bred;
Let’s go for tea and cakes instead.