by Steven Kent
“Cash-strapped Taliban selling tickets to ruins of Buddhas it blew up”
—The Washington Post
Our faith demands destructive sacrifices:
Historic sites the heathens find exquisite,
Which now we pray you’ll pay to come and visit—
Oh infidel, you won’t believe these prices!
by Marshall Begel
“Trump’s court sketches make him look too young and attractive, Twitter users say.
But the artist says he just draws what he sees.”
—Insider
“Draw me like one of your French girls,” she said.
“Sculpt me as someone you’d take to your bed!
“Soften my wrinkles and fill out my hips.
Brighten my silky, insatiable lips!
“Make me the image that gets you excited!”
“I’m only turned on when my subject’s indicted.”
by Jesse Anna Bornemann
“Amazon’s… streaming service is quadrupling down on Judge Judith Sheindlin.
And she’s bringing her ‘nepo babies’ along . . . As for casting family members in her shows,
[Judge Judy] suggested anyone who didn’t like it could pound sand.”
—The New York Times
“Nepotism!” some may cry.
Judge Judy doesn’t care.
“My verdicts are impartial, but
You really think life’s fair?”
by Nora Jay
“Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk say they’re up for a cage match. Who would win?
Zuckerberg has been competing in Brazilian jiu-jitsu; Musk has size on his side—
and a move called ‘the Walrus'”
—The Guardian
Next to Elon, Mark’s a husk;
Musk, by contrast, is a truck.
Zuck, however, trains till dusk
At jiu-jitsu: he can duck.
Elon does the Walrus; hark:
That’s the move he’s put his seal on.
Mark, though lighter than a lark,
Ripples muscles you could kneel on.
Who would win? It’s hard to choose;
Let’s keep hoping both might lose.
by Pat D’Amico
“US approves chicken made from cultivated cells, the nation’s first ‘lab-grown’ meat”
—AP News
My chicken is grown from cells.
Oh, how my appetite swells.
It’s prepared just the way that I wish—
A savory petri dish.
by Marshall Begel
“This Research Job Will Pay You… to Eat Cheese”
—Food and Wine
Emulsified and made to pour
Or pumped at a convenience store,
I know all sauces, orange and thin,
To dip a chip or pretzel in.
So often have I grilled in pans
Or sprayed it out of nozzled cans,
I guarantee you’ll never meet a
Greater expert on Velveeta.
My trousers all have Cheeto stains.
Cholesterol has filled my veins.
Unless they want some “cultured” snob,
It’s clear I’m perfect for this job.
by Dan Campion
“Rampant Groundwater Pumping Has Changed the Tilt of Earth’s Axis”
—Scientific American
I knew the whiskey in my glass
Could knock the world askew,
But never guessed the displaced mass
Of water there could, too.
by Paul Lander
Hey, Kardashians
Time for the NBA draft
Or, for you, “Tinder.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Russia can’t really fight Ukraine at night because Moscow’s military is so broke
and degraded it can’t afford night-vision gear for its troops”
—Business Insider
Fiscally riskily,
Russia’s economy
can’t afford goggles that
work as they should.
Old-fashioned eyewear that’s
nonoperational
alters perception; the
optics aren’t good.
by Philip Kitcher
“Boris Johnson failed to inform watchdog over new Daily Mail column.”
—The Telegraph
He thought dispensing falsehoods wouldn’t matter:
to woo an audience, you make them laugh;
Homeric quotes lend class to gloss your tale.
Hyperion’s turned out to be a satyr;
descending from the Times and Telegraph,
he scribbles columns for … the Daily Mail.
by Steven Kent
“Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers whistleblower, dies aged 92”
—The Guardian
Dan Ellsberg slayed a dragon in his youth,
One arrow in his quiver: simple truth.
We learned at last how long our leaders lied
When their sons weren’t the ones who fought and died.
by Clyde Always
“Doctors in Sri Lanka remove ‘world’s largest’ kidney stone…”
—New York Post
A kidney stone 28 ounces in mass?
Hard pass.
by Alex Steelsmith
“A man in China ended up in a legal battle after walking out on a blind date
who expected him to pay for her and 23 of her relatives… [T]he woman’s family ordered
a significant amount of expensive cigarettes and premium alcoholic beverages…
amounting to nearly 20,000 yuan (approximately $2,812)… ”
—Yahoo News
Fatefully, datefully,
one hapless bachelor,
hoping that romance would
be in the air,
blindly promoting his
eligibility,
wasn’t expecting a
family affair.
Piggily, swiggily,
twenty-three relatives
sneered when he asked if the
date was a con,
“No one is treating you
opportunistically.
Why would you think we’d be
putting yuan?”
by Marshall Begel
“[Vacant] Oklahoma High School Lists for $60K as a Single Family Home”
—Architectural Digest
You bought the home you’ve dreamed of all these years.
For that you ought to be congratulated!
Admittedly, those dreams pertained to fears
Of learning that you never graduated.
by Jerome Betts
“He misled the house on an issue of the greatest importance
to the House and to the public, and did so repeatedly…”
—From the Committee of Privileges Report on Boris Johnson
Well done the nine, the C. of P.,
Reporting on ex-PM, B.,
Who stands exposed for all to see.
At Number 10, once snug inside,
He partied while so many died,
Then in the Commons lied and lied.
And yet he’s free to joke and jog
And lap up plaudits from Rees-Mogg,
His brown-nosed, slime-tongued running dog.
The party’s broken, mend who can!
But still, though Sunak’s not the man,
One turd, for now, is down the pan.