by Clyde Always

“Dermatologist arrested after her husband secretly recorded her allegedly poisoning
him with Drano…”
—NBC News

Uckity, Yuckity
Yu, Dermatologist,
fed hubby Drano, the
newspapers note.

Maybe her motives weren’t
toxicological;
could be the man had a
clog in his throat.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Look, I don’t want any wounded guys in the parade.
This doesn’t look good for me.”
—A former Commander in Chief

(To the tune of “Don’t Rain on My Parade”)

Don’t show me wounded vets
And call them heroes.
On my approval chart,
They rack up zeros.
No amputee’s allowed
To slow down my parade.

I need to show the world
That I’m not wimpy
It isn’t good for me
If troops look gimpy.
Don’t bring a Purple Heart
To bleed on my parade.

by Nora Jay

“Boris Johnson fails to deny he is refusing to take [former chancellor] Rishi Sunak’s calls”
—The Guardian

This is an undertaking I
Am also failing to deny.
I’ve never said I won’t not speak
When Sunak calls. Or not this week.
Nor have I opted to negate
The claim I haven’t made him wait
While playing a perhaps not new
Recording of “Hung Up On You.”

by Dan Campion

“Astronomers May Have Discovered the Youngest Planet Ever Detected in Our Galaxy”
—SciTechDaily

Welcome, Likely Youngest, to the maze.
Gargantua and Pantagruel praise
Your large and gaseous entrance and give thanks
Across the light-years for the childish pranks
You’re sure to play. As current cynosure,
However, know that fame cannot endure.
A sharper lens and new astronomer
Are sure to find a younger planet still.
But, for the moment, eat and drink your fill,
And wend your way as baby planets will.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Curiosity Mars rover turns 10.”
—CBS

“NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover will be the envy of road trippers everywhere.”
—CNET

Teenily-greenily,
envious road trippers
keep us amused as the
rover turns ten;

though it has failed to find
extraterrestrials,
Earth has no shortage of
little green men.

by Iris Herriot

“[Actor Sean Bean] criticised post-shoot editing of intimate scenes, saying that he was saddened
to see sexual sequences involving himself, co-star Lena Hall and a mango had been cut
from TV series Snowpiercer.”
—The Guardian

“Oh what a fandango!”
Lamented Sean Bean:
“Me, Lena, a mango—
Obscene?

“You film-cutting quango,
Don’t try telling me
‘It takes two to tango’!—
Takes three.”

by Julia Griffin

“How we met: ‘I was a paper boy and she was the Saturday girl in the newsagents—
she seemed so cool!’”
—The Guardian

She was the Saturday girl in the newsagents;
I was a paper boy—she seemed so cool!
Chewing a wine gum she smirked at my innocence:
Loser in love with the star of the school.

Six in the morning I picked up my newspapers;
When I got back she was starting her shift,
Bagging up Marathons, Marlboros, Lucifers;
Putting a coin in her hand was a gift.

Muddy from falls off my brother’s old bicycle,
All I did then was to blink as she shone;
Now, though I’m older, and prone to be cynical,
Fancies, like Saturdays, still carry on.

Guardian, Telegraph, Rivington Courier,
Radio Times wrapped in Daily Express!
Make me confetti the day that I marry her;
Saturday girl in her Saturday dress!

Tear up the Sports, with their Villas and Arsenals;
Headlines and Letters can spiral and curl;
All that I ask to preserve are the Personals,
Proving my match with my Saturday girl.

by Steven Kent

“Dick Cheney attacks Donald Trump as “greatest threat to our republic'”
—The Guardian

The time is out of joint; I truly don’t know how to feel.
Dick Cheney’s now the good guy here? Dick Cheney? It’s unreal.
Bizarro World, the Upside Down–realities collide:
Darth Vader, Blofeld, Dr. Evil join the other side!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Guinness-fuelled man runs width of Ireland in a day”
—BBC

A good head start won’t guarantee your feat
Gets carried off by feet you’re carried on,
Or clear your head to see why you’re dead beat
One fraction through your ultramarathon.
Draft Guinness is a potion fit for gods
High up on Mount Olympus, yet this grand
Elixir isn’t brewed to raise your odds
At overcoming nausea on your planned
Day trip from west to east. For that, you need
Some cereal bars, U2’s whole catalog,
The stranger who shows up to take the lead,
And being fed bananas while you jog
Relentlessly—but, once you’ve crossed the line,
That second pint of Guinness tastes divine!

by Paul Lander

David McCullough
Author, voice of Civil War
Is now history.

by Julia Griffin

“Le Petit Nicolas illustrator Jean-Jacques Sempé dies aged 89”
—The Guardian

“Snowman author Raymond Briggs dies aged 88”
—The Guardian

Art lovers took this week a double hit:
The charming Frenchman and the grumpy Brit.
From melancholy Fungus it’s a way
To all those rodent-nosed écoliers;
Sempé’s big trees with little types below
Seem far from Briggs’s melting man of snow;
But as, at nearly four-score years and ten,
Each master-draftsman has put down his pen,
Let us be grateful for them both, and say:
Thanks, Mr. Briggs! Merci, M. Sempé!

by Alex Steelsmith

Higgledy hippity,
Happiness Happens Day
happens the eighth day of
August. Hooray!

Hopefully, plenty of
world-transformational
happiness happens to
happen today.

by Lynn Gilbert

“Will Ivana help Donald Trump with tax breaks from beyond the grave?”
—The Guardian

Since long before his first divorce
The Donald’s sought to cut his tax,
so now he’s had his fallen ex
interred upon his Jersey course.

Her modest grave near the first tee
has made a cemetery of
remains of his first erstwhile love,
and cemeteries go tax-free.

Whether he plants another there—
himself, son, daughter, son-in-law—
is not material under law.
Where they will rest he need not care.

On tax he stands to save a ton
by giving her this starring role:
thanks to the dead one in her hole,
he’s finally hit a hole in one.

by Stephen Gold

“Prince Charles’s charity won’t be investigated… for accepting £1 million
from the family of Osama bin Laden…”
—The Times

A Mr. Bin Laden is here, Sir,
And he’s asked if you’ve time for a chat.
Rest assured there is nothing to fear, Sir,
Not the faintest bouquet of a rat.

An eyebrow or two may be raised, Sir,
That’s a fact one can scarcely refute.
But your judgement will surely be praised, Sir,
This Bin Laden is laden with loot.

You fear to accept may be rash, Sir?
Well, of course, one must think of one’s brand.
But think too of that mountain of cash, Sir.
Let’s not fret that it’s built upon sand.

by Dan Campion

“Dow Jones Falls Amid Pelosi Taiwan Visit; AMTD Digital Stock Explodes,
But Consider This; MPWR Stock Jumps”
—Investor’s Business Daily

Falls, explosions, jumps! Who’ll win?
The haves, my have-not friend.
Consider this: Though headlines spin,
The golden bough won’t bend.