by Alex Steelsmith
“‘[T]he demand for public restrooms far exceeds the supply’…
New York City bought 20 [toilets]… But installing them stalled
as [potential locations must] meet an extensive list of requirements.”
—The New York Times
Willity-nillity,
bowel motility
happens, and people will
do what they do.
Now there’s a question of
practicability:
What are they doing in
lieu of a loo?
Rushity-flushity,
no human hominid
lives who can stall peri-
stalsis. Withal,
government projects can
incontrovertibly
stall when it comes to in-
stalling a stall.
by Bruce Bennett
“Your image of a T. rex with a big, fierce grin with bare teeth may be wrong.”
—The Washington Post
Your T. rex has “a big, fierce grin”?
We’re sorry. You must think again.
Those scientists have dealt in blarney.
The real T. rex looked more like Barney.
by Steve Bremner
(with apologies to Schonberg, Boublil, et Thenardier)
“[Oklahoma state Rep. Dean] Davis was charged with public drunkenness, a misdemeanor.
That afternoon, while on the floor of the House of Representatives at the state Capitol,
Davis insisted he had done nothing wrong…”
—The Washington Post
Plastered in the House?
Sprawling on the floor?
Doesn’t seem too sure
Just what his legs are for?
Rolling in the aisles?
Isn’t too discreet,
(‘Specially when peeing
On the Speaker’s seat)?
Everybody loves our journos,
Thinks they always get it right.
Hasty bunch of geezers,
Jesus! Do they read the stuff they write?
by Julia Griffin
“Dutch researchers make giant meatball using mammoth DNA
Researchers say flesh glob… is not for eating—yet”
—Fox News
A flesh glob using mammoth DNA
Is not for eating—yet. Oh cruel delay!
Minced mammothball! What could be more delicious,
Except perhaps some kangnasaur knishes?
by Dan Campion
“After Mass Shootings, Republicans Expand Access to Guns”
—The New York Times
If only Abe had packed a Colt
And Booth on entering the box
Had tripped or, grunting, played the ox,
And Abe had turned and shot his bolt,
A “good guy with a gun”— Suppose
That Mary too was packing heat
And in her sweeping hoop skirt rose
And plugged that dirty John Wilkes neat—
That all the crowd and cast and crew
Went armed, and aimed and shot at Booth,
And hit him (not the Lincolns too)—
A boffo show, and that’s the truth!
We think that’s what it should’ve been.
Your scene? Then vote Republican.
by Alex Steelsmith
“That panicky call from a relative? It could be a thief using a voice clone…”
—NPR
If you pick up the phone
and you’re asked for a loan
by what sounds like a loved one or crony,
and their panicky tone
seems a bit overblown,
and you feel that they’re full of baloney,
perhaps it’s a clone;
it is very well known
that a voice on a phone can be phony.
by Marshall Begel
“An Oregon minor league baseball team introduced new uniforms on Thursday that pay homage
to a famous Oregon event: The exploding of a giant, dead sperm whale.”
—KPTV
Come cheer for our side as we rise like the tide.
We’re ready to bring on the fight.
Because we’re devoted to things dead and bloated,
Our playing will be dynamite!
Our rivals fall soon to our scoring harpoon.
We’ll triumph—no ifs, ands or buts!
We won’t be denied. We’re exploding with pride,
And we’ll show them that we have the guts!
by Marshall Begel
“Hate your signature? … [People are hiring] a calligrapher for a fresh take
on writing one’s own name in cursive.”
—The Frederick News-Post
Your handshake is awkwardly sweaty and weak.
Your facial expression, dejected and meek.
When speaking with someone, you look at your shoes.
Your breath has an odor I cannot excuse.
Your knees buckle in. There’s a slope in your shoulder.
You dress like a person who’s 30 years older.
Although you’re a slovenly, insecure wreck,
You’ll feel like a man when you’re writing my check!
by Paul Lander
My picks are so bad
I’ll be watching from the couch
Just like my team picks.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“State pension age could rise to 68 sooner than planned…”
—The i
My part of town is poor. It’s not surprising
That life expectancy’s not very high.
If pension age is set to keep on rising,
I’ll have to keep on working once I die.
I’ve always had a hankering to tread
The hallowed boards, so I would be euphoric
If someone from the Globe would boil my head,
And cast me in the graveyard scene as Yorick.
by Dan Campion
“Scientists Propose Mars Settlers Live in Potato-based Structures”
—Futurism.com
Will boffins win a Nobel Prize
For Martian huts of cheesy fries?
Let’s hope so. And, for what it’s worth,
I’d recommend poutine on Earth.
by Alex Steelsmith
“[Staff] noticed treated water being discharged into Clear Creek had an unusual pink coloration…
‘[T]he dye does not appear… to have had any adverse biological impact on Clear Creek,’ the city said.”
—UPI
Locally, vocally,
public authorities
claim that the water is
healthy to drink;
hydrobiologists’
microanalyses
show that the plankton are
still in the pink.
Seemingly, teemingly,
fish and amphibians
thrive, though the coloring
can’t be denied.
Some might consider it
counterintuitive;
everything’s living, yet
everything’s dyed.
by Steven Kent
“Latest Banksy mural smashed as derelict farmhouse demolished”
—The Guardian
We could have offered up a proper praising
With just a few more days before the razing,
But Morning’s Broken came to full fruition
Just one quick step ahead of demolition.
The artist left us little time for viewing
(A very Banksy thing that he was doing).
by Clyde Always
“A man exposing his father-in-law’s X-rated browser history
at a family get-together is being applauded online.”
—Newsweek
My father-in-law is an
interesting fellow.
His love of home projects
I can’t understand:
It seems his devotion to
wood-working’s endless:
he browses the net with
a tool in his hand.
by Julia Griffin
“Virginia prisoners who used toothbrush to escape caught at pancake restaurant…
John Garza, 37, and Arley Nemo, 43, were quickly caught after being spotted
by members of the public at a Newport News branch of Ihop”
—The Guardian
Re-caught at IHOP in a rush,
Two convicts saw their time increased.
When they’d consumed their pancake feast,
Let’s hope they flossed but did not brush.
