A Poinciana, Florida woman called 911 for help with a burglary, then asked for a ride to the airport.
The caller requested assistance with moving, to put all the furniture out on the lawn;
and then, one last favor, a ride to the airport: it’s back to New York now that Christmas is gone!
Alas, a few problems were quickly discovered. The household removal was stopped at the doors.
The moral: When asking the cops to help move you, it’s best if the house and its contents are yours.
“Hershey sued by New York man over ‘unsafe’ levels of metal in chocolate: Christopher Lazazzaro alleges mass-market chocolatier failed to reveal lead and cadmium in dark chocolate products to consumers” —The Guardian
How much lead can a chocolate contain
And count as comestible still?
And what is the quota in milk or in plain
Before it will actually kill?
And who figures Cadbury’s cadmium caps
Since it fell under Hershey’s control?
The answer, my friend, is kept under wraps;
Just try not to swallow it whole.
“Media have framed the manatee die-off as an environmental wake-up call… ‘People keep talking about manatees being the canary in the coal mine. But by the time this canary dies, all the miners are already long gone’… [M]anatee deaths aren’t a signal of forthcoming disaster; their losses are the disaster…” —National Geographic
Warningly, mourningly,
Florida’s manatees
sound the alarm as their
numbers abate.
Species cohabitate
interdependently;
manatees mirror hu-
manity’s fate.
After each triumph, I have thanked
my mentors for the truths they taught:
Ideals are never sacrosanct;
advances always must be bought.
Forget the pap dished out in schools:
Firm principles are rules for fools.
So, pucker up your lips, and kiss
the ugliness that makes you cringe.
Abandon every prejudice,
play footsie with the loony fringe.
The motto of the truly great:
Capitulate. Capitulate.
“Prince Harry details physical attack by brother William…” —The Guardian
One brother knocks the other to the floor,
A deed about which some would feel compunctional.
If these are Royal glimpses, let’s have more.
They make my family look completely functional.
“[Health secretary] Steve Barclay tells public to behave with ‘common sense’ during NHS ambulance strike [in England and Wales].” —The Independent
If you need an ambulance while paramedics strike,
Try to get to hospital by foot or on a bike,
But if you’ve cut your foot off or it’s hanging by a thread,
Go online and order up a pogo stick instead,
And boing along to where our Group is cutting back on spending
By practicing repurposing and making do and mending.
We’ll stitch that pesky foot back on, and knit a comfy bootie;
Before you even know it you’ll be up and playing footie,
And helping spread our message that in crisis times like these,
We all should help each other and stop begging on our knees
For aid and help from Government for ever and anon,
And stand up on our own two feet—well, once they’re stitched back on.
“A new bench unveiled close to Sir Isaac Newton’s birthplace has been engraved with an incorrect spelling of the world famous scientist’s name.” —BBC
I deserve more respect: I begat Science watching an apple go splat. So ass-backwards I’m not— And yet that’s what they’ve got Carved in metal behind where you’ve sat!
“The decluttering philosophy that can help you keep your home organized” —NPR
I’m swimming in a sea of stuff!
I’m through with clutter! Done! Enough!
What path to a clean house is wise?
What should I do to organize?
This article tucked in my files
Says I should analyze my piles.
My worn-out fanny pack is proof
I miss adventures of my youth!
I see I am no match for Freud…
But, ah! This tip can be deployed:
Start small. Now, that’s a cinch to do!
I’ll toss a rubber band or two.
…that hardly seemed to make a dent.
I’m not sure it was time well-spent.
Let’s skip ahead. Hmm, it says here:
Each time that you make progress, cheer.
Great advice! Forget the rest!
This article is just the best!
I’ll make ten copies! Twenty! More!
I’m stashing one in every drawer!
“Diet of rainbows and sunlight: California girl given first-ever unicorn license” —The Guardian
Miss Madeline, we do insist
Before we put you on our list
That, if one ever should be born,
You’ll love and raise this unicorn.
You’ll teach it what it needs to know,
You’ll feed it what it needs to grow,
And—please forgive our breach of taste—
You’ll clean up all its rainbow waste.
“Putin admits Russia can’t supply clothes to front line troops” —The Telegraph
The Scots before battle in Braveheart,
Though the English were armed to the hilt,
Displayed their contempt and defiance
With a cheeky wee lift of the kilt.
So forcing your troops to fight naked
Is quite undeniably bold,
Though the impact of flaunting their manhood
Will be lessened a bit by the cold.
“Russian is fined £400 for DREAMING about Zelensky: Man is found to have ‘discredited’ the army
after describing how he saw Ukrainian leader capture Putin’s troops” —Daily Mail
Discreditation aimed at Putin’s troops Is apt to dent the tyrant’s self-esteem. So blogger Ivan Losev made an oops Confessing, over Instagram, his dream Revealed a vision of Vlad’s foe: red-hot Ex-comic Prez Zelensky led armed men Detaining Russians to be bound and shot, Including Ivan—till the moment when The Prez said he liked Ivan’s posts online And, granting him a selfie, turned him loose To blog some more. … Though Ivan got a fine, It won’t deter his efforts to traduce Old Vladimir, and help Ukraine prevail— Not even if he’s put in Putin’s jail!
“Sam Bankman-Fried, the disgraced founder of the collapsed cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was arrested in the Bahamas…” —The New York Times
The air hung heavy in my cell that night.
At ten, the jailer brought back someone new.
“Come in,” I said. “I promise not to bite—
I’m sleeping off a bender. How ‘bout you?”
“They call me ‘King of Crypto’!” he declared.
“You mine it with computers, then it’s cash.
A fortune made in bits and bytes,” he shared.
“An ironclad investment … til the crash.
“And just like that, the bank accounts were gone.
The house, the yacht, the empire—down the drain.”
They moved him to another cell by dawn,
And I awoke with whiskey on the brain.
“If crypto’s real,” the thought occurred to me,
“Then so are these pink elephants I see.”
“House Republicans hold a weekly strategy meeting in Kevin McCarthy’s office ‘called the five families’
in reference to mafia syndicates, according to Marjorie Taylor Greene. … ‘… and it’s literally my favorite meeting.'” —Newsweek
The GOP’s five families
Are planning how they’ll run D.C.
Their Cosa Nostra fantasies
Have struck a chord with MTG.
Perhaps her cap of MAGA red
Would look good on a horse’s head
Installed in some opponent’s bed.
