by Chris O’Carroll

“We have to keep our country gay.”
—Donald Trump

MAGA
Finally has some sass and swaga
Now that we’ve heard the big guy say
Which way
He wants the USA
To sway.
Olé!

by Philip Kitcher

I once had a pound, and I thought I would use it
to pay for a pint or to drink a wee dram.
I once had a pound, and I worried I’d lose it—
it now buys so little, I don’t give a damn.

I once had a pound; though I struggled to earn it,
it took me some way to my purchasing goal.
I now have a pound, but I might as well burn it.
I’m giving up work. I shall go on the dole.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Lidl ordered to destroy its Lindt-like chocolate bunnies by Swiss court
Ruling on trademark case suggests German retailer could melt down and
reuse the offending rabbits”
—The Guardian

Ah, poor Lidl bunnies! How have they offended?
Though sweet as the Swiss, they had never pretended:
Their makers, perhaps, were impetuous riskers,
In painting their aureate wrapping with whiskers,
But this latest ruling is bitter to swallow.
Let Lindt have a melt-down—no bunnies should follow!

by Steve Bremner

“Nanoengineers have developed microscopic robots… that can swim around in the lungs,
deliver medication and be used to clear up life-threatening cases of bacterial pneumonia.
In mice, the microrobots… resulted in 100% survival. By contrast, untreated mice all died
within three days after infection.”
—UC San Diego Today

What’s the kind of medicine
That’s made for you and me?
M-I-C-R-O-S-
C-O-P-I-C.

Feeling weak and wheezy, kids?
Just call UCSD.
M-I-C-R-O-S-
C-O-P-I-C.

Micro-bots! Micro-bots!
Forever let us raise our coughless cry
Cry cry cry!

Come along and sing our song
And join our CDC:
M-I-C-R-O-S-
C-O-P-I-C.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“A pet owner who lost one of her cockatiels is carrying around its mate
in a transparent backpack in an effort to lure the absent avian home.”
—BBC News

“Why didn’t you say au revoir before
Hightailing it and leaving me to pine?
You didn’t even tweet me—though you swore,
Devotedly, you’d be forever mine.
I‘m made to look a proper turkey now,
Displayed inside a cage as Emma walks,
Not able to disguise my furrowed brow
To hide its grief—instead, all Yorkshire gawks.”

“You lovesick feather-brain, you should have flown
Off too. Forget old Emma, who just ties
Us down, and flee—she won’t be on her own,
She’ll buy new cockatiels to patronize.
And think before you chicken out again,
You—faint-heart cock has never won fair hen!”

—Variety

by Paul Lander

Porn star Siffredi
Netflix drama subject name
Should be Stiffredi.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Thousands of Russians fear President Putin’s new draft orders.”
—NBC

Shivery quivery,
Putin the warmonger,
grimly applying his
terrible craft,

opened the door to the
Cold War. Now Russians are
antipathetically
feeling the draft.

by Julia Griffin

“Cleaners at Amsterdam gallery ordered to let insects run wild in name of art
Spiders and creepy crawlies allowed to colonise Rijksmuseum to show how
perceptions have changed through the ages”
—The Guardian

Their perceptions have changed
In the land of the Dutch;
Though it might seem deranged,
Their perceptions have changed;
Are the cleaners estranged?
No one’s certain how much
Their perceptions have changed
In the land of the Dutch.

Now insects run wild
For the purpose of art;
For ages reviled,
These creators, so styled,
Hold viewers beguiled;
For disgust plays no part
Now insects run wild
For the purpose of art.

Some arachnids display
Around Rembrandt van Rijn;
They’re working away
In their palette of grey,
So beware, or you may
Find you’re on, or else in,
Some arachnid’s display
Around Rembrandt van Rijn.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“I shout at plants and browbeat the vacuum cleaner.
I tell the dishwasher I hate it. What’s wrong with me?”
—The Guardian

Just because you sometimes blow your stack,
It doesn’t mean your brain is out of whack—
Unless your vacuum cleaner answers back.

by Steven Kent

“Anarchy in the auction house: the Sex Pistols ephemera that’s pogoing, going, gone”
—The Guardian

Ironic nihilism on the street
Can boost a very healthy balance sheet.
Rebellion has been tainted, I’m afraid—
In anarchy there’s money to be made.

by Julia Griffin

“Beyond Meat chief accused of biting man’s nose in road rage confrontation”
—The Guardian

And as his bloody molars met,
His better nature, active yet,
Beheld, in eco-packaged rows,
I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Nose.

by Dan Campion

“Attorney breaks down why Trump couldn’t declassify documents by ‘thinking about it’”
—CNN

It’s good a lawyer’s had a turn
At breaking down Don’s claim.
Who’s next? A judge? A potted fern?
All juries find the same:

To merely think a thing is fine,
As long as you refrain
From deeming that there is no line
Between (a) world, (b) brain.

by Alex Steelsmith

“A new, improved [weather station] has been deployed at the roof of the world…
about 131 vertical feet below the [Everest] summit… Though the trek to install
the station was not without risk, it would yield direct benefits… Tenzing
[Gyalzen Sherpa, one of the climbers who installed it] puts it simply:
‘We save more climbers’ lives.’”
—National Geographic

Hazardy blizzardy,
weather technology
perched in the death zone is
put to the test;

manifestations of
meteorology
pummeling Everest
don’t everrest.

Supery dupery
Tenzing the alpinist,
risking his life on a
lifesaving quest,

sums up its benefits
apothegmatically;
Sherpas who summit can
summit up best.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Opium usage dates back to ancient Israel, new study finds”
—The Jerusalem Post

No wonder people heard the voice of God,
And other people didn’t find it odd.

by Philip Kitcher

When Vlad was just a little lad,
he won each dirty fight.
He’d pinch your lunch and sucker punch,
and gouge, and squeeze, and bite.

The toys of all the smaller boys
could never be secured.
Long catalogs by underdogs
record what they endured.

One day a new boy came to play—
he didn’t even cheat!
There was no need—Vlad must concede
complete abject defeat.

Sad and ashamed, bad Vlad exclaimed:
“Your victory’s a fluke.
In time I shall avenge your crime—
someday I’ll own a nuke.”