Poems of the Week

Romaine, Romaine, Romaine!

by Phil Huffy

(to the tune of “Those Were The Days, My Friend”)

“Do not eat any romaine Lettuce, FDA warns”—New York Post

When I go to lunch I like a salad.
Got to watch out for those calories.
With a little Russian dressing, maybe.
Now I have to think about disease!

You’d better play it safe
Because it may be treyf
Get rid of all the romaine that you’ve got

Close every salad bar
No matter where they are
‘Cause it’s no good and we should let it rot

How the CDC has tried to warn us.
You may have to eat those croutons dry.
If by chance you happen on some Iceberg,
Go ahead and give your luck a try.

I went to Mickey D’s
I said, “One salad please”
They said I’d have to take an apple pie

You’d better do the same
Until they fix the blame
Romaine, romaine, has got to go bye-bye

The romaine has to go
And so we have to throw
it into any dumpster, bin or can

Or if you should incline
composting’s mighty fine
It’s just insane—romaine, romaine, romaine