Brian Allgar


“My vegetable love …”

“A new range of gardening-themed condoms have been launched to encourage older Brits to practice safe sex.
The selection of horticultural-inspired condoms, available at selected garden centres, were developed in response

to rising STI [sexually transmitted infections] rates among the over 65s.
They come in garden seed-style packaging and will be available in six cheeky veg themes, including onions, avocado,

plums, artichokes, courgette and aubergine. …
The condoms are also sustainable and can be planted in a pot to degrade.”

For older folk still fancying a fling,
Our condoms, veggie-themed, are just the thing
To keep you safe from nasty STIs,
And give your lady-love a nice surprise.
Perhaps a stout courgette to set the scene?
The boastful might prefer an aubergine,
Or, for the true priapic desperado,
Two onions and a massive avocado.

And when you’ve finished, do not be in haste
To chuck them in the dustbin—needless waste!
They’re all compostable, so we propose
That you should let them gently decompose.
Just plant used condoms in a garden pot;
With time, like you, the things will slowly rot.

Brian Allgar was born in 1943, a mere 22 months before Hitler committed suicide, although no causal connection between the two events has ever been established. Although immutably English, he has lived in Paris since 1982. He started entering humorous competitions in 1967, but took a 35-year break, finally re-emerging in 2011 as a kind of Rip Van Winkle of the literary competition world. He also drinks malt whisky and writes music, which may explain his fondness for Mendelssohn’s Scottish Symphony. He is the author of The Ayterzedd: A Bestiary of (Mostly) Alien Beings and An Answer from the Past, being the story of Rasselas and Figaro. He’s still hoping that the day will come when he can no longer count the combined sales of both books on his own fingers and toes.