–

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“The second Trump administration has shown remarkable aggression in abruptly
canceling hundreds of millions of dollars in research grants at elite universities—
in an effort to force them to make major policy changes in line with the president’s politics.”
—Vox

Restoring funding will depend
On squelching views that might offend.
Afraid your school will be bereft?
You’re safe if you offend the Left.

by Steven Kent

“Elon Musk tells Tesla employees to hold on to their stock amid harsh selloff”
—The Guardian

The future’s bright,
So do not sell.
I know I’m right!
How bright? Can’t tell.

We’ll bear the torch
As Tesla dips
And vandals scorch
Our dealerships.

Though some will shun
Our brand, ho ho—
The Prez got one
A week ago!

(That sale I made,
But might regret—
He’s never paid
A single debt.)

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘Do not eat’ warning on cereal favourite over fears it contains INSECTS”
—Daily Mail

The folk in charge are clearly not
An enterprising bunch.
They should have got some stickers done:
“And now with added CRUNCH!”

by Clyde Always

“NYC school’s pet chicken dies in egg-laying tragedy despite parents shelling out $2K in vet bills”
—New York Post

Dear Parents, your children are greatly distraught
by the death of their chicken who valiantly fought
for her life and she’ll always inhabit a spot
in our hearts—now, her vet bills came out to a lot
and I’m grateful for all the donations I got
but these carrots and onions and noodles are not
what I meant when I asked you to add to the pot.

by Nora Jay

(After Banjo Paterson)

“Mike Waltz, the national security adviser who invited Atlantic journalist Jeffrey Goldberg into a top-secret
US military planning group chat, has played down the impact of leaked text messages”
—The Guardian

“I didn’t see this loser in the group. He looked like someone else.”
—Waltz to Laura Ingraham

Once some jolly swagmen met on a Signal chat,
Under-informed on such things as cc,
And they sang as they planned to pulverize those Yemenis:
Sadly, they Signaled to Loser JG.

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
You’ll come a-Waltzing on prime-time TV:
Come and dance round the truth and blame the whole embarrassment,
Waltzing Adviser, on Loser JG.

Down came the Press and had themselves a field day;
Up jumped the Waltzman, eventually,
Singing: “I built the group, I take responsibility,
Still, all the blame goes to Loser JG!”

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
You’ll come a-Waltzing, as vexed as can be:
“All I’m asking,” he sang, “is, is it a coincidence
That we were crashed on by Loser JG?”

Down came the Dems, unable to believe their luck,
Schumer, Hakeem, and of course AOC,
Singing: “What kind of fool talks war plans on a Signal app?
As for the loser, it isn’t JG!”

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
You’ll keep a-Waltzing, while bending the knee:
Though it seems that the White House isn’t very pleased with you,
Since you’ve exposed it to Loser JG.

What’s coming next for all those swagmen on the chat?
Zilch, I suspect, though that may be just me;
And this scandal will soon be swallowed by another one,
Thanks to such scumbags as Loser JG.

Waltzing Adviser, Waltzing Adviser,
Cling to your job; show you’re wholly shame-free!
And as long as you snarl while crawling to the President,
He’ll keep a-raging at Loser JG.

by Marshall Begel

“China Considers Sending Forces for Ukraine Peacekeeping”
—MSN

Russia gets the Donbas,
Crimea and Kharkiv.
The US runs the power plants, intent to never leave.
China trades with Russia,
And waits for war to cease,
Expecting (poorly translated) the chance to keep a “piece.”

by Julia Griffin

For Tam

“Kristi Noem wears $50,000 watch in El Salvador prison”
—The Washington Post

What time is it, Governor Noem?
El Salvador’s different from home;
It’s six when the sun there has risen:
There’s no Daylight Time in that prison;

There’s also no privacy there,
And no one gets sheets or fresh air;
But then, as we know from Fox News,
They’re gangsters: observe their tattoos.

Your pose with those men in their cages
(A photo, I’d say, for the ages),
Displayed—surely nobody missed—
That treasure you wear on your wrist,

A watch that is usually reckoned
Precise to a slice of a second;
In prison, by contrast, alas,
Not even a Timex will pass,

So I’m wondering, Governor Kristi,
Before your impressions grow misty,
Did any that prison contains,
Consigned there in shackles and chains,

Forced cattle-wise over the border,
Regardless of law or of order,
Convicted of no kind of crime:
Did anyone ask you the time?

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Trump bemoans a portrait of him – but gets a new one from Putin”
—BBC

(With a nod to Robbie Burns)

O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie the C-
In-C to see himself as others do:
Less presidential than Barack, Joe B
Or Dubya, and all predecessors too.
No portrait can distort him if it paints
The truly worst: oil on the canvas did
Him justice, and his clamorous complaints
Extol the artist capturing his id
(Commissioned for the space his idol hung
Awhile in). But her skill at portraits can
Not match the gloss of portraitists among
Vlad Putin’s circle, who made MAGA Man
Appear a thing of beauty … O, wad he
See who we see, resign, and set us free!

by Ruth S. Baker

“[T]he tongue-biting louse Cymothoa exigua… has made it to the shortlist of Guardian’s invertebrate of the year
competition … [When these] tiny crustaceans… come across a fish… [they] make a beeline for the gills and burrow
their way in, clinging to the base of the tongue. This is where the sinister transformation starts.”
—The Guardian

That scourge of tongues, Cymothoa exigua,
May soon be crowned this year’s invertebrate.
Some half-inch long, it cuts a modest figua,
But its effect on heedless fish is great:
It fastens on the tongue and makes a feast of it,
Sucking the blood and tissue to the bone:
This leaves the fish at risk, to say the least of it.
It’s then Cymothoa’s true worth is shown:
It funnels round the withered stump, thus letting it
Absorb nutrition. There’s no other way
For any tongue-deficient fish of getting it;
So what’s pushed down their throats they eat, OK?
Tongue-louse, sole friend of what it ossifies,
Cymothoa should surely win the prize!

by Julia Griffin

“Dolphins welcome NASA astronauts stuck in space back to earth”
—NASA TV

Welcome, my fellow-humans, gone so long!
(So long, in fact, one could have given birth.)
Don’t let these cheerful dolphins steer you wrong;
There have been certain changes here on earth.

Oh, dolphins’ lives are crazy, honestly:
They live where they can’t breathe! But understand,
To be a mammal underneath the sea
These last few months beat being one on land.

by Clyde Always

“Nutritionist recommends eating like a baby to lose weight”
—New York Post

Nutritionist Nicolette Pace
convincingly stated a case
to “eat like a baby.”
Misreading her, maybe,
I tried and got slapped in the face.

by Mark F. Stone

“Investors grow pessimistic about the market as stocks resume sliding.”
—CNBC

I’ve worked since the summer when I was thirteen.
Selling pink lemonade gave me plenty of green.

I want to retire, but it won’t be today.
I call my investments “my 201K.”

Those investments are melting. I’m getting depressed.
They’re melting as fast as the Witch of the West.

There is no safe harbor. I can’t find a hedge.
I’m starting to panic. I’m out on the ledge.

I’m scared of the NASDAQ, the SPY and the DOW.
My cash in the mattress? That’s where I’m at now.

In the sweet golden years that I’ve worked for and planned,
I see drinks with umbrellas, imbibed on the strand.

But unless I profoundly rebound, I’m afraid
I’ll be back in a booth selling pink lemonade.

by Paul Lander

“[California Gov. Gavin Newsom, a Democrat] is holding mostly chummy conversations with prominent conservatives…
[including] Steve Bannon, an architect of President Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign…”
—The Associated Press

Newsom pods Bannon!
Hey, Gav, to ditch Stevie, just
Press Alt/Right/Delete.

by Philip Kitcher

Let us make you an offer you cannot refuse:
we shall burnish your image—our fervent intent is
to bring a vast following you’ll never lose.
We’ve designed a revival: The Stellar Apprentice.

For the first of your guests, we are thinking of Hannity—
the scene where you fire him will cause a sensation.
At risk of inflating your well-deserved vanity,
we’ll mandate each episode’s viewed by the nation.

To ensure that all citizens cherish you dearly,
our reruns will air for compulsory viewing.
The whole of the public must view them twice yearly;
we’ll jail all degenerates whom we catch booing.

There is just one small problem: the trouble combining
your GOP role with our plans. We must mention
you’ll need—right away—to announce you’re resigning.
Your prize: a tsunami of cosmic attention.

Bid farewell to the White House! We don’t think you’ll miss us.
You’ll know that you’re billed as the world’s star attraction.
Consider the pleasure: you’ll rival Narcissus
in pure plenitude of your self-satisfaction.