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WEEK OF OCTOBER 6

by Dan Campion

“Jane Goodall, Eminent Primatologist Who Chronicled the Lives of Chimps, Dies at 91”
—The New York Times

Jane held out hope for humankind,
Who nitpick, screech, and fuss;
What heart and mind she had, to find
Redeeming traits in us!

by Steven Kent

“More than 145 people in a wide range of occupations have been fired or disciplined
after they made statements about the assassination of Charlie Kirk.”
—The New York Times

They lost their jobs when set upon by mourning MAGA minions,
Since nothing says “free speech” like getting sacked for one’s opinions.

by Julia Griffin

“Tilly Norwood: how scared should we be of the viral AI ‘actor’? A bunch of code is being pushed
as the next Scarlett Johansson, a creation that is already causing pushback from real human actors”
—The Guardian

How scared should we be of this Tilly?
Myself, I’m enchanted by her:
Her simper is—possibly—silly,
Her teeth on occasion may blur,
But look how she’s prettily sitting,
Sweet face amid billowy hair:
No wonder her rivals are spitting,
And pushing to make her a scare!
They call her a composite starlet,
Or more of a smiling black hole,
A knock-off of Margot and Scarlett,
With code and electrics for soul;
It’s scary, they cry, that some fusion
Should land on our turf and lay claim,
As if we were just an illusion
Who look and behave all the same!
Her agents aren’t troubled. At present,
They say, she’s not ready to speak:
No doubt she won’t long be quiescent,
But surely they’ll grant her a week
For wordlessly clasping her kneecaps:
I’m sure that, promoted or banned,
She’ll give what we ask for (with recaps);
Already she cries on demand.

by Marshall Begel

“Hershey Wins Lawsuit Arguing Halloween Candies Weren’t Spooky”
—MSN

To lovers of our nougat fluff
who claim that they’re not scared enough,

we’ll bring you to a frightening place
where holes are drilled into your face
because, in their depravities
our candy gives you cavities.

If somehow, you endure the drill
just wait until you see the bill!

by Alex Steelsmith

“[D]ental surgeon Dr. John Sottosanti presents striking evidence that the lower teeth of the man
on the Shroud of Turin may, in fact, be visible… Sottosanti argues [this] could only appear if the image
were seared onto the cloth by a burst of radiant energy at the moment of Christ’s Resurrection.”
—Zenit

Readily, steadily,
skeptics and scientists
scoff at the argument,
yet underneath

all of their claims that it’s
unverifiable
have to acknowledge it
might have some teeth.

by Steven Kent

“McIlroy condemns ‘unacceptable’ Ryder Cup abuse…”
—The Guardian

Country Club hooligans? Here? Sacre bleu,
Save it for soccer in Spain.
Golf is a gentleman’s game—O, mon Dieu,
Bartenders, hide the champagne!

Ruffianism could leave someone hurt,
Thus we must take a firm stance:
Act with decorum (but wear a loud shirt
Coupled with hideous pants).

by Stephen Gold

“‘No more beardos’: Hegseth gives military branches 60 days to end shaving waivers for almost all US troops”
—Stars and Stripes

There is now a new regime, and as harsh as it may seem,
It’s your duty to be sharper than a knife
(Though we’re hoping you won’t notice
That it’s all to serve a POTUS
Who has never served a minute in his life).

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Should children be banned from pubs?”
—BBC

It’s up to individual pubs
To ban them if they choose,
But I would only ban them if
They couldn’t hold their booze.

by Julia Griffin

“Trump hangs autopen photo instead of Biden portrait in new presidential gallery”
—The Guardian

In Biden’s place, he hangs an autopen,
With all his customary grace and sense.
No honor, then, for Sleepy Joe; but then,
Consider how Trump would have hanged Mike Pence.

by Stephen Gold

“Seven charities have dropped the Duchess of York as a patron or ambassador after an email
from 2011 revealed that she called sex offender Jeffrey Epstein her ‘supreme friend’…”
—BBC

If you have nothing in the bank,
Beware the charismatic Yank
Who offers to relieve your plight.
Although his “kindness” may delight,
Its price is forfeiting your soul,
And now, to boot, your royal role.

O Fergie, why were you so dumb
To gobble each and every crumb
That creep dropped in your yawning maw?
How was it that you never saw
That feeding from his toxic hand
Would so contaminate your brand?

You think the reckoning’s severe?
Well, here’s the honest truth, my dear.
Kowtowing to a pedophile
Attracts a special kind of bile.
The lesson’s clear: If, craving ease,
You lie with dogs, then you get fleas.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Human remains found in bag at Tampa International Airport…”
—Tampa Bay Times

Sniffingly, whiffingly,
airport authorities
might have smelled something that
raised a red flag.

Had it been traveling
transcontinentally?
Was it concealed in a
carrion bag?

by Chris O’Carroll

“President Trump and top federal health officials on Monday launched a broad offensive against
the mainstream understanding of autism, claiming without new evidence that acetaminophen—
the active ingredient in the common pain reliever Tylenol—was a cause of the disorder.”
—The New York Times

The Nobel Peace Prize still eludes his grasp,
But he could win for Medicine, perhaps.
This is his MAGA version of life hackery—
A deep dive in the shallow end of quackery.

by Miriam N. Kotzin

“The mass adoption of large language model (LLM) chatbots is resulting in large numbers
of mental health crises centered around AI use…”
—Futurism

Are you the victim of a grand
conspiracy? Has someone planned
to take you for a one-way ride?
Or do you stay awake, blear-eyed,
with every Erdős problem solved,
transnational disputes resolved
by you, who also have designed
a no-stick bundt pan? You’re inclined
to run things by your chatbot now
(you favor Gemini) and vow
that you’ll get everything that’s due
to you, for Gemini’s your new
wise confidant, your trusted friend
affirming all you apprehend.