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WEEK OF MARCH 23

by Paul Burgess

He told them, “Jumping on the Trumpoline
will line your pockets full of folding green,”
but while he bounces up and down with glee
the only change in cost my eyes can see
is soaring rates on fueling stations’ pumps
increasing every time His Highness jumps.

by Steven Kent

“How Trump’s Homeland Security Pick, a Prolific Investor, Got a Lot Wealthier in Congress”
—The New York Times

As Senate members go, there’s none much dumber,
Yet Mullin’s mighty rich for just a plumber,
A grifter deeply steeped in Trump’s tradition
Of dealings guaranteed to spawn suspicion.
Did inside trading fuel his fine portfolio?
There’s more to see, we know, in this imbroglio.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“Am I too old to get a dog?… At the moment, I can walk a dog eight blocks to the beach, trot along the sand, and toss its favorite toy a pathetic distance — which is far enough. … But things change.”
—The Boston Globe

To get a dog—is it too late?
You might be blithely tempting fate.
No need for you to hazard that.
Forget the dog and get a cat!

by Julia Griffin

“[T]he Bank of England has announced that the next update of British banknotes will end the half-century tradition of designs featuring historic notables. … Nigel Farage posted a video on X about his fury… . Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey said that Churchill ‘deserves better than being replaced by a badger’”
—The Guardian

Brockedy shockedy,
National currency
Might exchange Churchill for
Badgers. Bizarre!

Pace those wearisome
Environmentalists,
This is a notion that
Earns no cigar.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“The resistance training traps we fall into—and how to fix them”
—The i Paper

When I do my resistance work,
I do it to the hilt,
And now I can resist the gym
Without a shred of guilt.

by Bruce Bennett

“In Japan, Trump’s Pearl Harbor Joke Elicits Scorn and Dismay”
—The New York Times

A joke about Pearl Harbor?
Hey, lighten up! Who cares?
The past is long since done with,
and passing time repairs

The things we cannot change now,
like outrage, death, and War.
So let’s all just indulge now
the Bully and the Bore.

by Scott Mahler

Chuck Norris
could never bore us.
Manly until his last breaths,
he found the only ass he couldn’t kick was Death’s.

by Shaun Jex

Timothée Chalamet
Said, “I don’t really care for ballet.
It’s hard to plié with ease
When you’ve got foot-in-mouth disease.”

by Julia Griffin

for Hannah Graham

“White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt refused to rule out a potential military draft during a Sunday interview, stating President Trump ‘wisely keeps his options on the table.'”
—Fox News

(After Phil Ochs)

Oh, I’m just a genius President
Who ought to be given a crown:
I believe in God, he’s part of my squad,
And a-blamin’ the poor and brown;

And when it came my time to serve
I asked my old man Fred.
Turns out he had a draft board buddy,
And this is what we said:

Sarge, I’m only twenty-two, I’ve got a deal to do,
And I always carry a purse;
I’ve an orange rash and a bunch of cash,
And I’ve been signed off by a nurse.

“Yes, think of my career in the real estate sphere
And the saps who’ll be paying me rent,
Besides, I’ll star on TV, have a wife or three,
Then I’m gonna be the President.

“I’ve spurs on my feet, though they still smell sweet,
And I’m learning the POTUS craft,
And this I swear, when I’m settled in there,
I’ll be bringing in a brand-new draft.

“I got a taste for war, I’m gonna send the poor,
They’re what any Board prefers;
You can forget my son—when all is done
I’ll be worried about his spurs.

“I’ll be seventy-nine with my lackeys in line
To cringe any time that I frown;
And Sarge, let me sham out of Vietnam
And I’ll end up rocking a crown.”

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“New research finds mental decline ‘not inevitable’ with age”
—The Independent

It isn’t? Damn! Well, bang goes my excuse
For screwing up at work and being obtuse.

by Paul Lander

“As reported by the Wall Street Journal earlier this week, President Donald Trump has a penchant for doling out $145 Florsheim Oxfords to cabinet members and closest allies. … But as several photographs have since shown, Rubio’s are at least two sizes too big for him.”
—Vogue

Rubio’s giant shoes
You know what they say, Marco?
Little feet, little…

by Dan Campion

“Why Falling Cats Always Seem to Land on Their Feet:
It takes backbone to solve an enigma like the ‘falling cat’ problem.”
—The New York Times

The research team deserve congrats,
But there’s no “problem” for the cats.