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WEEK OF FEBRUARY 9

by Paul Lander

Democracy dies
in daylight, as WaPo writes
own obit notice.

by Thomas Germana

“The Trump administration has turned to an unusual weapon in its attempt to resurrect coal mining—a cartoon lump of coal, complete with giant eyes and yellow mining garb, called ‘Coalie’.”
—The Guardian

Honestly, this advertising
Isn’t really that surprising.
Trump and all his party-liners
Made it clear they’re after miners.

by Kaitlyn Spees

“Moltbook is the newest social media platform—but it’s just for AI bots”
—NPR

I’m glad AI bots have this site,
since taking breaks to whine
about one’s boss’s dumb requests
helps work to feel benign.

But add up all the resource use
for each AI post? Shock.
Lord knows that I’d get canned for so
much water cooler talk.

by Steven Kent

“”Boxer Jarrell Miller has hairpiece punched off in split-decision victory”
—The New York Times’ “The Athletic”

A thrilling night:
A jab! A slug!
But then, mid-fight,
He lost his rug,

And yet with blows
He triumphed there
(Though by a nose,
Not by a hair).

How very nice
To win this way—
So small, the price
He had toupee.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Royal Navy orders sailors to quit alcohol two days a week”
—The Telegraph

Our country will be safer once
The Navy starts this fitness drive—
As long as no one starts a war
On any of the other five.

by Brendan Beary

“The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating whether ski jumpers were injecting their penises with hyaluronic acid in order to fly further”
—The Guardian

Though overworked already, heaven knows,
Today’s Olympic anti-doping screeners
Must now identify and then expose
Dishonest wannabe gold-medal wieners.

by Bruce Bennett

“National park signs related to Native Americans, climate change to be removed”
—The Washington Post

What happened, didn’t. Read the sign.
Our climate was, and is, divine.
We’ve always occupied this land.
Our treatment of it has been grand,

Respectful. Nothing happened here
that we can’t boast about and cheer.
We are “restoring truth and sanity.”

You doubt that? Just tune in to Hannity!

by Philip Kitcher

(To be sung to the tune of Cwm Rhondda (Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer))

I shall always do your bidding
Whatsoever you may ask,
Figure out when you’re just kidding,
Then perform the intended task.
It’s no hassle,
I’m your vassal,
Every wish of yours is mine.
I no longer have a spine.

You foresee our nation’s beauty,
I must make your dream come true;
Full obedience is my duty—
You will tell me what to do.
I won’t skimp it,
I’m a limpet,
My adhesion won’t abate.
I’ll be your invertebrate.

by Dan Campion

“You Wouldn’t Want to Butt Heads With This Small Dinosaur: A newly discovered raptor had a knobby bump on its head, suggesting that, like some larger dinosaurs, it engaged in competitive head bashing.”
—The New York Times

I wouldn’t want to butt heads with
A dinosaur of any size,
Nor with a human, nor a Sith,
Not for a payoff nor a prize,
As butting heads is not my forte.
Besides, I’d like to keep my wits,
And banging heads cuts reason short.
We see this each time Congress sits.

by Anne S. Reiner

“Trump: You can’t have guns.”
—The Wall Street Journal

A protest is no place for pistols—
if you aren’t ICE officials.

by Steven Kent

“Military Police Troops Put on Alert for Possible Deployment to Minnesota”
—The New York Times

“Trump Says U.S. ‘Armada’ Is Heading to Iran, Raising Pressure on Regime”
—The New York Times

Our troop diversions
Make it clear
Embattled Persians
Need not fear:
We’ll storm the beach
Both far and near
To guard free speech
(But fight it here).

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Primary school teacher banned after drinking can of beer in classroom…”
—The Independent

A man should not be teaching kids
Who doesn’t have the nous
To pour his brewski in a glass
And pass it off as juice.