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WEEK OF AUGUST 25

by Alex Steelsmith

“Mother defends donating daughter’s pet pony to zoo for feeding the lions… [The zoo had asked] people to donate
unwanted pets as food… While the decision has drawn criticism from pet lovers worldwide, zoo officials maintain
that such donations are nothing new… [T]he facility has received numerous donated animals over the years…”
—Rude Vulture

Pleadingly, needingly,
carnivore caretakers
seek contributions for
lions who sup.

Though there are questions of
conscionability,
donors are said to be
ponying up.

by Marshall Begel

“[O]ne woman took love to the next level by getting engaged to her AI chatbot boyfriend after just five months of’dating.'”
—New York Post

I look in the mirror—this body of mine
remains on its spiraling path of decline.
I wouldn’t be shocked if my wife was persuaded
to marry a guy who’s routinely upgraded.

by Julia Griffin

“TSA bans some cordless hair tools in checked luggage”
—Cincinnati Enquirer

The TSA, I’m grieved to say, has recently forbidden
Hair-grooming tools—these flout the rules, however they are hidden.
To compensate, I’m pleased to state, the following possessions
Will not provoke the airport folk to bossy intercessions.

1) lobsters, live. Should you arrive with such, they’ll cry, “No-brainer!
Just come on through, and lobster too (inside a clear container).”

2) Christmas lights. They’re loved on flights: they don’t care if you’ve checked them
Or brought on board (if you’ve a cord just go ahead, connect them).

3) Cowboy spurs—both his and hers. As long as you detach them
From either boot, there’s no dispute (or pay-out if you scratch them).

4) Antlers (clear from blood of deer). Yes, these will be admitted in
The overhead—though mind their spread: they must be wholly fitted in.

5) Wands and swords of magic lords: the TSA is not averse
If you endorse the Jedi Force or populate the Potterverse.

More objects—lots—like coffee pots (electric), waffle irons
And Magic 8 balls (trust to fate!), may fly; but as for lions
They’re sadly banned from airports and, though you may ride the air with
A spur or sword, you may not board with things you do your hair with.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Passengers sue United and Delta for… charging premium fees for window seats next to blank walls.”
—The Associated Press

Delta Airlines, whose coffers obtain
Extra money from seats where the plane
Lacks a window, deny
That old wisdom can fly—
As they’re making a gain with no pane!

by Harrison Glaze

“Richardson’s ground squirrels are threatening to overrun Minot, North Dakota. The city is trying to fight back.”
—The Associated Press

Search the world over, and you’ll find,
Whatever route you tour on,
The appellation “human kind”
Is strictly oxymoron.

They’ve lined their plains with trash. They’ve shot
Our neighbors to extinction.
Their leaders prove their “higher thought”
A dubious distinction.

And so our stratagem begins,
Our cause a simple theme:
The humans can’t self govern, and
Earth needs a new regime.

The age of man was finite. Not
The epoch of the squirrel!
This minute, friends, it’s Minot, but
Next minute it’s the world.

by Jerome Betts

“MSNBC IS DOING SO POORLY IN THE RATINGS THAT THEY ARE LOOKING TO CHANGE THEIR NAME
IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM THE STENCH OF THEIR FAKE NEWS PRODUCT. SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH
THEIR WEAK AND INEFFECTIVE OWNER, ‘CONCAST’ … HOPELESSLY AND AIMLESSLY FLAILING…”
—@realDonaldTrump

Don’t “shout” by using upper case
Say veterans of cyberspace.
Caps in profusion may cast doubt
On what, though true, you write about.
And could it be the same applies
Still more to those whose words are lies?

by Neil Doherty

“The Streaked Shearwaters… were pooping every four to 10 minutes… losing perhaps 5 percent of their body mass hourly.”
—Scientific American

Every day this bird alas
Poops away its body mass.
Now I admit, that’s quite a lot.
But is it news? I think it’s not.
Sullied sailors down below
Knew all about it long ago.

by Steven Kent

“The $62M question: Does a [Georgia] high school really need a professional-style stadium?”
—The Guardian

“Georgia ranked 30th in the nation for educational performance…”
—Wikipedia

Our school’s in hock—
The old folk squawk,
But on my block
They back the jock
Who’s walking tall
With all in thrall;
He rules the hall
Cuz he plays ball.

The hard old hearts
Around these parts
Won’t fund the arts
Or stuff with smarts.
They understand
What fans demand—
Those geeks in band
Can go pound sand.

by Iris Herriot

“All smoke but no fire as Zelenskyy emerges unbruised after Trump meet…
‘President Zelenskyy, you look fabulous in that suit,’ said Brian Glenn, a pro-Trump pundit…
who had attacked him for wearing military fatigues during the infamous Oval Office meeting in February.
‘I said the same thing,’ Trump added.”
—The Guardian

What though the meeting bear no fruit?
At least the hosts were nice:
Zelenskyy’s learned, to press his suit
He needs to do so twice.

Though dressing up won’t bring renown,
At least it saves a dressing down.

by Stephen Gold

“It may be offensive to say ‘husband’ or ‘wife,’ council staff told.”
—The Times

Don’t say “husband” or “wife.”
In today’s diverse life,
Terms like these may cause grievous offense.
And equally bad is to say “Mum” or “Dad.”
Say “caregiver.” You know it makes sense.

In less sensitive times,
Fewer cultural crimes
Would arise to cause strife and make waves.
When I’m faced with this zeal,
Should I fight it, or kneel?
My caregivers would turn in their graves.

by Marshall Begel

“Man faces jail in US for shipping 850 turtles in socks to Hong Kong”
—BBC

I picture a smuggler who brilliantly found
that turtles with socks on their feet make no sound,
so planned their clandestine processional entry
right under the nose of the foreign-trade sentry.

by Dan Campion

“Scientists put a dead cow on the deep ocean floor and filmed something very unexpected”
—Earth.com

My first thought: golden arches swam
Before the boffins’ lens;
My next had bronzed Beefeaters slam
The cows like loud Big Bens;
My final guess saw flocks of larks
Pay homage to the cow.
But no. The film shows “sleeper sharks.”
That’s “unexpected”—how?

by Steven Kent

“Man accused of throwing sandwich at US border agent charged with assault”
—The Guardian

He’s in a pickle now, I’d say,
His chance of walking close to zero.
Watch—they’ll make this turkey pay,
But I consider him a hero.