by Marshall Begel

“Mailman arrested on suspicion of DUI”
—The Sun

The postal service creed expounds:
not rain nor heat nor gloom of night
can keep the mailman from his rounds
(including rounds of Miller Light).

by Bruce Rogowski

“Iran Says Strait of Hormuz Won’t Have ‘Tolls’ but it Will Have ‘Fees’”
—The New York Times

Potato, potahto,
Which is righter?
Once you’re through,
Your wallet’s lighter.

by Frank Osen

In a happier time, some astute future chronicler
May look back on the day when the Donald Trump moniker—
Which for some hundred-seventy days had defaced
The poor Kennedy Center—was finally erased,
And then note the event drew a festival crowd
Who were mildly dismayed when a blue-and-white shroud
Was left blocking the site, in a last fit of pique—
But observe how the tyrant’s vindictive-me streak,
Like the rest of his faculties, seemed on the wane.

Since he clearly intended the sheet to remain,
Had the tottering dotard still been on his game,
He’d have slathered that tarp with gold leaf and his name.

by Steven Kent

“Huge American Flag Flies Into Power Lines, Knocking Out Power for Thousands”
—The New York Times

Old Glory twines,
The current arcs,
Electric lines
Erupt in sparks.

So what went wrong?
Says one report:
The flag was long,
But came up short.

“SpaceX Sets Milestone With World’s Largest I.P.O., Furthering Musk’s Power”
—The New York Times

by Dan Campion

I say it’s Tulipmania,
The South Sea BubbleX,
Titanic, Lusitania—
The Wall Street zoo’s T. Rex.
A “milestone” or a millstone? We
Shall see. I could be wrong.
But gamble on AI? Not me.
It’s big. So was King Kong.

by Julia Griffin

“Audience members at a matinee performance of the Royal Shakespeare Company’s production, starring Kenneth Branagh as Prospero, complained after a baby gurgled and cooed its way throughout the entire first half.”
—The Guardian

“They hurried hence thy crying self,”
The Duke informed his child,
Explaining how they’d come to be
Demoted and exiled;
Alas, his evocation of
Miranda’s baby blues
Was barely heard above the sound
Of nearby glugs and coos.
“Thou art inclined to sleep”: alas,
The powers of the mage
Were not sufficient to transcend
The borders of the stage,
And, equally unluckily,
The right to hurry hence
Is one the RSC does not
Allow its audience.
They, in this case, had paid good cash
To hear Sir Kenneth B,
Which left them somewhat disinclined
To note the irony,
And though ’twas not The Winter’s Tale,
The atmosphere was frost.
“What trouble was I then to you!”
Yes, baby: thou sure wast.

by Paul Lander

Pratt campaign ran dry.
Hopes faded fast as more votes
Came in. Pratt’s all, folks!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Bird flu, extreme heat and super gonorrhoea: The top health threats facing Britain”
—The Telegraph

I don’t think gonorrhea will
Be half the threat they say,
If Britain gets much hotter than
The heatwave back in May.

When I was wilting in the heat
And cursing its effects,
The farthest subject from my mind
Was hot and sweaty sex.

by Steven Kent

“Red states push conservative rebrands of Pride Month in backlash to LGBTQ+ celebrations”
—The Guardian

Prudishly, proudly promoting propriety:
Celebrate marriage, the one true variety!
Out with your Pride flag, Old Glory looks better—oh,
Stonewall away, we’re declaring June hetero!

by Dan Campion

“68 Quadrillion Underground Miles of Fungi”
—The New York Times

Imagine the stampede there’d be,
What gold rush–style kerfuffles,
If it were shown these strands might be
Delectable as truffles.

by Julia Griffin

“[Google] asks US government to release army of sterile male mosquitoes to lower number of illness-spreading bugs”
—The Guardian

A regiment of sterile male mosquitoes
May shortly lower sickness rates. No gripes:
I wouldn’t vote for anyone who vetoes
This splendid use of nasty Incel types.

by Michael Calvert

“Why is Christopher Nolan’s new Greek epic entirely devoid of Greeks? Set to be this year’s biggest blockbuster, The Odyssey’s cast has been selected to ‘represent the world’… except that one key country seems to have gone completely unrepresented”
—The Guardian

As one with Attic DNA
it really bugs me, I must say,
that in your cast I couldn’t suss
a single Papadopoulos.

How much would it have troubled you
to stick in one Economou?
And how much hassle to provide us
with a token Nikolaidis?

In view of all we Greeks invented
we’re badly underrepresented,
and Nolan, you’re the one we’re blamin’—
C’mon! Odysseus a Damon?

by Bruce Rogowski

“Woman With No Right Hand Is Pulled Over for Using Phone in Her Right Hand”
—The New York Times

Although his claim’s disproved,
The cop remains unmoved:

He still believes his version—
Good thing he’s not a surgeon.

by Marshall Begel

“US Army integrates veterinarians into human combat care”
—Military Times

Out here on the front where we’re taking the brunt,
we scramble for all we can get.
Our units are strained for those medically trained,
so now we rely on a vet.

Though some may object, they still show her respect
and always are sure to salute her—
in case they go under, they don’t want to wonder
if surgery comes with a neuter.

by Steven Kent

“Hooters Says Bring the Kids”
—The New York Times

We know the things
That draw our guests:
For kids, the wings;
For dads, the breasts.