by Nora Jay
“[S]almon ‘sue’ US city over harm to population
The lawsuit brought on behalf of the salmon says that river damming
infringes on the fish’s ‘inherent right to exist’”
—The Guardian
One side I decisively am on
Is this of the suit-bringing Salmon:
For them I’ll enlist
To assist to exist:
Damn dams! I’m for Salmon v. Mammon.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“1838 Wallcoverings has unveiled the Essence Collection, a new collection of wallpapers
that combine rich colour palettes from the earth, forests and oceans…”
—Scotland on Sunday
The palette should be natural,
The style guide extolled.
The vibrant earth and woodland tones
Were striking, rich and bold.
Too dear for me, but luckily
My flat is damp and cold—
The walls a vibrant tapestry
Of richly-colored mold.
by Clyde Always
“Former Attorney General William Barr has a passage in his new book about the lengths
his old boss would go to in order to charm guests at meetings.”
—Business Insider
“Though long the meetings often went,
refreshing they would be—
as, graciously, the President
would serve us in D.C.
“Although his television blared,
this rarely was a mar…
and, as we worked, he often shared
his Hershey’s chocolate.”—Barr.
by Orel Protopopescu
“Trump Would Like Supporters to Fund a ‘Trump Force One’ Plane
After Emergency Landing in Private Jet”
—People
(After “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”)
Once I joined a party, made it mine,
drove the liberals insane…
Then they stole my White House, thieving swine.
Brothers, can you spare a plane?
Once I built a tower to the sun,
where I launched my campaign.
Now my engine’s dead and that’s no fun.
Brothers, can you spare a plane?
In Brioni suits,
wow, I looked swell!
Stiffing all lefties was my job…
Pointing bone-spurred feet to Capitol Hell,
I’m the guy drummed up a mob!
Say, don’t you remember, they called me Don,
Putin’s Pawn and Lame Brain?
Send me a few million, please, come on!
MAGA brothers, spare a plane?
by Steven Kent
“‘Freedom Convoy’ Spinoff Arrives In Maryland With About 1,000 Vehicles And Unclear Plans”
—Denton Record-Chronicle
What do we want? You seem unsure.
When do we want it? Too obscure.
We know our rights! Pray tell us, boys.
We will be heard! Ah yes, more noise.
We’ve had enough! Explain, my man.
We will be free! That’s not a plan.
by Julia Griffin
“Sri Lanka to hold state funeral for beloved sacred elephant Raja”
—The Guardian
Call for the langurs and the leopards all;
Let jungle fowl process with toque macaques;
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.
This sacred creature, more than ten feet tall,
Could bear what must have broken others’ backs:
Call for the langurs and the leopards all,
And let them mourn for mortal grandeur’s fall.
Behold, the great heart of the jungle cracks!
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.
While humans lay their long, sepulchral pall
Upon his bier, let deep-voiced leatherbacks
Call for the langurs and the leopards all:
The captive king’s delivered from his stall;
Follow the buffaloes’ tremendous tracks;
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.
Clamour and bellow, screech and howl and squawl;
Raja is free, that mighty battle-axe!
Call for the langurs and the leopards all;
Sing, hornbills, for great Raja’s funeral.
by Alex Steelsmith
“‘He’s a Small Man of Five-Six Saying He’s Five-Seven’: The Psychology Behind Putin’s War”
—Vanity Fair
Short leaders “suffer from what can be referred to as the ‘Napoleon complex’…
little men may try to compensate short stature by an extreme drive…
and initiate conflicts more frequently.”
—Psychology Today
Itsally-bitsally
Vlad the Barbarian
terrifies nations, though
physically small.
Sometimes diminutive
megalomaniacs’
complexes aren’t very
complex at all.
by Bruce Bennett
“Good morning. We are a week into the war in Ukraine,
and my inbox is filled with requests for recipes for borscht.”
—Cooking column in The New York Times
We will defeat the Russian Bear
with mushroom, onion, beet.
We’ll beard him with our strongest fare.
We will defeat the Russian Bear
and show him we are brave and care
through what we make and eat.
We will defeat the Russian Bear
with mushroom, onion, beet.
Our recipes will do the trick.
He will turn tail and run.
If not, we’ll make him weak and sick.
Our recipes will do the trick.
We know what will upend and lick
his missile, tank, and gun.
Our recipes will do the trick.
He will turn tail and run.
He’ll learn that he has met his match
and no more will invade.
We’ll act with purpose and dispatch.
He’ll learn that he has met his match.
He’ll cringe when he observes this batch
of borscht that we have made.
He’ll know then he has met his match
and never more invade!
by J.P. Celia
“Ukraine war disrupts the quiet world of chess”
—The New York Times
While cannons kick and convoys trundle on
An army yields, though one of rook and pawn.
by Steven Kent
“Revealed: leading climate research publisher helps fuel oil and gas drilling”
—The Guardian
We have to play the odds the best we can:
Get money from the Left to sound a warning,
Then speak directly to the oil man
And get it from the Right before next morning.
Don’t think that we don’t take a side. We do,
But in the end it all comes down to money
(The green, the beans, the clams, the revenue)
Or we’ll be out of work, and that ain’t funny.
No doubt to you it looks a little strange;
Who knows how long this crisis will outlive us?
Yet we’ll go on promoting climate change
As well as trying to stop it. Please forgive us.
by Marshall Cobb
“Hank the Tank, the giant 500-pound black bear who stands accused
of breaking into over 30 Lake Tahoe-area homes in search of food—
often while the residents are still home—may actually be
a three-bear operation.”
—Los Angeles Magazine
The Ursa Major proved to be
Not just a single bear, but three,
Tres osos snuggled in a cave—
And pizza was the thing they’d crave.
They craved it till they couldn’t wait:
No time to stay and hibernate.
And cutting short their wintry snooze,
They ended up on network news.
The wildlife folks said, “What to do?
Euthanize this gluttonous crew?
But surely folks would raise a stink,
So relocation’s best, we think.”
by Julia Griffin
“California man survives frigid five-hour night swim with a friendly seal as his guide”
—New York Post
Arion had his dolphin,
And Jonah had his whale
(Sufficient to play golf in):
When life blows up a gale,
And every organ shivers
Like splintering enamel,
Hope God, or god, delivers
A friendly ocean mammal.
by Scot Slaby
“With border curbs still in place and Hong Kong considering tough measures
to rein in the Covid surge, life looks better elsewhere.”
—Bloomburg
(with apologies to The Clash)
We Hong Kong expats want to know:
Should we stay or should we go?
Some say lockdown will be fine,
And add it won’t last for all time.
How are we supposed to know?
Should we stay or should we go?
It’s nonstop test, test, test
Since Omicron was not suppressed.
Hong Kong’s closed off, and now we’re stuck.
Few flights depart. We’re out of luck—
Can’t even get into Guangzhou.
Should we stay or should we go?
Should we stay or should we go now?
Should we stay or should we go now?
If we go, that could be wisdom
But if we stay, there’s always dim sum…
So someone tell us, if you know:
Should we stay or should we go?
by Lynn Gilbert
“VW confirms that some ID.4 electric SUVs were lost in infamous cargo ship fire”
—electrek
Your luxury car’s in the drink.
(Some batteries shorted, they think.)
You’ll never say “Howdy”
to your Bentley or Audi
and we’re fathoms deep in red ink.
by Stephen Gold
“Neil Diamond seals gem of a deal for song rights”
—The Times
(To the tune of “I’m a Believer“)
As a boy, great music was the holy grail.
Fortune didn’t matter much to me.
Now I’ve gotten older,
I need more than thanks.
All the best notes, baby, are in banks.
Have you seen this check?
I couldn’t believe it!
There’s not a speck
Of doubt in my mind.
Gotta say: Hey! I’m an achiever
(Got more than Bob I think you’ll find….).