by Alex Steelsmith
“Norway tells conscripts to return underwear after service.”
—AP News
Shivery skivvery
dutiful servicemen,
ordered to leave with their
crotches fig-leafed,
can’t keep their underwear
post-militarily;
every last one has been
fully de-briefed.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Vegan mum claims she can boost her immune system to beat coronavirus by drinking sperm
smoothies . . . The part-time blogger consumes the fluid daily directly from her boyfriend
of two years, as part of a smoothie, or freezes it in an ice tray to use another day.”
—The U.S. Sun
Let me commend your two-year friend,
A lad of grand profusion,
Who’s got the stuff, more than enough,
When he achieves conclusion.
Were I your guy, you’d have to try
For health some other way:
Put to the test, I’d be hard-pressed
To fill your ice cube tray.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
Australia was open to the champ
Until it wasn’t. “Rules are rules,” he’d learn.
Served no exemption for a visa stamp
To enter, he hit back a sharp return,
Restoring deuce not on, but in, the court:
A judge decreed that Djokovic must be
Let in at once—despite no vax—for sport …
If only that were that! With this decree,
Advantage went to government, who would
Negate the ruling, after quite a lot
Of dallying: The champ no longer could
Parade the only shots his arms had got—
Emphatic aces, backhands, volley jobs,
Net-clearing drop shots, overheads, and lobs!
by Shaun Jex
Christopher Key
Said, “Everyone, listen to me!
The secret to Corona curin’
Is drinkin’ up cups of fresh urine.”
by Nora Jay
“Manchin’s $1.8 trillion spending offer is reportedly no longer on the table.”
—CNBC
Don’t mention Joe Manchin,
That meanest of menschen,
That prime avalanche in
The path of subvention.
by Bruce Bennett
“Elmo’s Petty Hatred For A Pet Rock Is The Best Thing About 2022 So Far”
—HuffPost
“Rocco’s just a rock!
Rocco’s not alive!”
Elmo shouts his shock,
shrill in overdrive.
Millions now applaud.
Twitter’s gone berserk.
Watch him diss a fraud.
Sock it to the jerk!
by Dan Campion
“Earth is at the center of a 1,000-light-year-wide ‘Swiss cheese’ bubble carved out by supernovas”
—Live Science
Although la lune is not Swiss cheese,
Le clair’s a cheesy bubble!
Well, quel soufflé! (For recipes,
See books by Edwin Hubble.)
by Alex Steelsmith
The ten phrases chosen for Lake Superior State University’s 2022 Banished Words List include
“Wait,what?”, “No worries,” “New normal,” “That being said,” “Circle back,” and
“At the end of the day.”
Wait-ily, what-ily?
Overused verbiage
banished? “No worries, new
normal,” we say.
That being said, we may
phraseologically
still circle back, at the
end of the day.
by Dan Campion
“Venomous snake found lurking in family’s Christmas tree”
—CNN
This boomslang had the decency
To slither up the Christmas tree,
Much better than, though somewhat shocking,
Hiding in a Christmas stocking.
The serpent, readily beguiled,
Was caught and taken to the wild;
Presumably, with righteous calm,
It hisses there “O Tannenbaum.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Britain moves to ban big-game hunters from bringing trophies back into country”
—The Washington Post
Jittery crittery
threatened wild animals
greet the decision with
fervent acclaim;
those who don’t see the world
anthropocentrically
feel their extinction is
not a big game.
by Bruce Bennett
“Collapse of doomsday glacier in Antarctica could begin within a decade”
—New Scientist
The “Doomsday” glacier’s breaking up!
Our time is running out!
The seas will rise and flood the coasts!
There is no room for doubt.
What’s that? You have to pare your nails
and do your hair by 3:00?
I’m busy too till almost 4:00,
but then, let’s meet for tea.
by Julia Griffin
“Group of women asks US supreme court to overturn topless sunbathing ban”
—The Guardian
Bathing without our tops on
Is simply a woman’s right.
It’s nothing to call the cops on;
No need for distress or fright.
To tan like a man, or more so,
Is something our sex has earned—
This law’s like a too-browned torso:
Time it was overturned.
by Jerome Betts
“The Conservatives have lost the North Shropshire seat they
held for nearly 200 years to the Liberal Democrats in a by-election blow to Boris Johnson.
Winner Helen Morgan overturned a Tory majority of almost 23,000…”
—BBC News
(with apologies to A.E. Housman)
When all the votes were reckoned
In Oswestry and Wem
The Tory limped in second,
The winner was Lib Dem.
From Durham now to Dover,
One question rules the day:
His party over,
It’s curtains for BJ?
by Susan McLean
“‘[Sex and the City] fans, like me, are saddened by the news that Mr. Big dies of a heart attack,”
Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum, a member of Peloton’s health and wellness advisory council and a
preventative cardiologist told the LA Times. “Mr. Big lived what many would call an extravagant
lifestyle… . Riding his Peloton Bike may have even helped delay his cardiac event.”
—CNN
When Mr. Big collapsed onscreen,
our shares went in the tank.
Though we’d be sorry to sound mean,
he had himself to thank.
Cocktails, cigars, high risks, big steaks—
the list goes on and on.
Those were his lifestyle-choice mistakes,
and not his Peloton.
by Dan Campion
“The iPhone Feature to Turn On Before You Die”
—The Wall Street Journal
I would respectfully suggest,
Jobs willing, that it might be best
To turn on, or at least to try,
All iPhone tricks before you die,
As, even with an eSIM card,
To do it later may prove hard.