by Coleman Glenn

“Police stop ‘exorcism’ in Home Depot lumber aisle”
—New York Post

They’re attempting to exorcise pine
down in lumber (aisle 79).
They shouldn’t be here; it’s
well known that wood spirits
are found in aisle 10: turpentine.

by Julia Griffin

“Lab analysis of Subway tuna sandwiches fails to identify tuna DNA”
—The Guardian

Expecting tuna DNA,
The lab found content quite bizarre;
We’re learning, from the exposé,
That Subway subs are way subpar.

What was the matter, did they say?
Sea serpent, sponge, or COVID mask?
Just write down Subway DNA
Judiciously as Do Not Ask.

by Bruce Bennett

“Ronny Jackson said Trump aced a cognitive test. Now he’s demanding Biden take one,
citing ‘mental impairment.’”
—The Washington Post

Trump passed the test with colors flyin’.
He guessed the rhino and the lion.
Now Biden also has to pass
To prove the elephant an ass.

by Jerome Betts

“Downing Street under Boris Johnson is ‘a branch of the entertainment industry’
and nothing will get done in terms of serious policy focus until he leaves,
Dominic Cummings has said in his latest blast at his former boss.”
—The Guardian

Roll up for the Westminster Follies,
The Crazy Gang half off their trolleys!

Hopeless Hancock and Gove perform tricks
That involve a whole load of dropped bricks
While the yellow-wigged juggler’s balls
Are rolling all over the stalls
And an off-stage rejected Svengali
Entertains doing snarky and snarly!

It’s a great UK-breaking up show!
Come and see just how far they can go!

by Chris O’Carroll

“Rudy Giuliani has been suspended from practicing law in the state of New York…
for making ‘false and misleading statements’ about the election loss of his client,
former President Donald Trump.“
—Huffington Post

When you work for Trump, you lie—
That’s a job credential.
One that, sadly, by and by,
Might prove consequential.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“With half a crown, there’s nothing you can do,”
Intoned my dad when uncles gave me cash,
“Though if you save them till you have a few,
Half-crowns can grow to build a tidy stash—
However, they will never bring a thing,
Alone!” … But did my father lie to me?
Last week I learned what one half-crown does bring:
Fir-loving Bharat Mistry’s neighbors Lee—
Aggrieved by noisy songbirds dropping poo,
Completely blanketing the car on site—
Reshaped his tree by slicing it in two,
Obliterating growth along the right! …
With half a crown, they won’t be tourist-free—
Now half of Sheffield flocks to see this tree!

by Alex Steelsmith

“[Putin] really made this about whataboutism, right?… He quoted a ridiculous comparison…
the proof in the pudding will be in the eating.”
—ABC

“[W]hile deploying a familiar tactic of whataboutism, [he responded] to questions about Russia
by pointing out flaws within the systems of the U.S.”
—NBC

Whatabout, whatabout,
President Vladimir
tries to look good, but his
logic goes south;

hungry for dominance
geopolitically,
Putin is puttin’ his
footin his mouth.

by Dan Campion

“Cows escape from Los Angeles-area slaughterhouse, lead police on chase”
—Fox News

Who wouldn’t hoof it through the gate,
Lead cops a merry chase,
If they were destined for a plate
With fries? I rest my case.

by Julia Griffin

“Woman finds hungry elephant rummaging for late-night snack …
He chewed on a plastic bag as [Ms] Ratchadawan, unsure what to do,
filmed the episode on her phone.
It’s not the first time Boonchuay [the elephant], who lives in Thailand’s
Kaeng Krachan national park, has visited Chalermkiatpattana village.”
—The Guardian

This week one Ms. Ratchadawan
Heard someone crash and thump a pan:
Who was the kitchen hooligan?
She looked around and nearly ran:
It was a hungry elephant,
Consistently itinerant:
His trunk was wildly oscillant;
His self-control extremely scant.

Chorus
Tarara Boonchuay!
Tarara Boonchuay!
Tarara Boonchuay!
Tarara Boonchuay! [twice]

Although Ms. R. was all alone
And he, her guest, was quite full-grown,
She did not scream or shout or moan,
But clutched her trusty mobile phone,
And took some photographs of him,
Devouring plastic bags with vim:
She knew, although his teeth looked grim,
He’d never tear her limb from limb.

Chorus
Tarara Boonchuay! [etc.]

Whatever afterwards befell,
No journalist presumes to tell:
The kitchen mess was surely hell
Before the elephant’s farewell;
No doubt it cost his hostess dear
To mend her maimed domestic sphere,
But one thing anyway is clear:
Her cyber-photo souvenir.

Chorus
Tarara Boonchuay! [etc. etc. ad nauseam]

by Bruce Bennett

Their skeletons provided clues:
the Upper Class wore pointy shoes

That gave them bunions more than joy.
The clergy too. The hoi polloi

Were happier. Flat shoes instead
were testified to by their dead.

The lesson’s clear. Though fashion’s nice,
embrace it, and you’ll pay a price,

And centuries later, folks will gawk
at silly ways you chose to walk,

And also know you took a tumble,
and all to prove you were not humble!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

The summit held by Vladimir and Joe,
Where Biden said that two great powers met,
Officially succeeded—though we know,
Geneva has accomplished nothing yet!
Reporters were all told: To reach the goal
Envisioned by our president takes time,
As we lack moves within one man’s control
To turn back his opponent on a dime …
Perhaps it makes Joe envy the extent
Of soccer power: One star snubbed some Coke,
Which dropped Coke’s share price almost two percent,
Effecting his objective at a stroke! …
Ronaldo can achieve goals tout de suite,
Since he has two great powers—both his feet!

*Since “Two Great Powers” first appeared, Ronaldo’s effect on Coke’s
share price has been disputed. (Still a funny poem, though!)—Editors

by Catherine Chandler

“The Pelham Police Department has issued an arrest warrant for a chipmunk who infiltrated
police headquarters …  If they are successful in detaining the miscreant, officers have not yet decided
whether they will press charges.”
—New Hampshire Union Leader

Wishily-washily
cops in New Hampshire weigh
whether to charge or to
turn a blind eye

to the wee burglar who
über-rebelliously
mirrors the motto to
Live Free or Die!

by Nora Jay

“Ageing process is unstoppable, finds unprecedented study”
—The Guardian

A new, unprecedented study
Has clarified what once was muddy:
Though creams may fool the odd beholder,
We must unstoppably get older.

The tab, when finally presented,
Was equally unprecedented,
And thus we find two truths, old buddies:
Age can’t be stopped, and nor can studies.

by David Hedges

A pitcher’s trained to scratch his crotch,
Send signals to the catcher, spit
Tobacco juice, covertly watch
For stolen bases, pound his mitt,

Tap the mound to clear his spikes,
Adjust his cap, wind up—no balks—
And let ‘er fly. He’s thinking strikes,
And cusses when a batter walks.

Now we learn their balls are sticky,
Doused with something ultra-tacky.
Their aim? To stop another Mickey
From appearing, or a Jackie.

by Julia Griffin

“Antidepressants in waterways may make crayfish bolder, increasing risk of predation”
—National Geographic

The drugs that make us feel OK
Make shellfish quite high, sad to say:
“Clam down!” cry the crayfish;
“It’s safer than safeish!”
And that’s how they end étouffés.