by Dan Campion
“I don’t know what showbiz is and I’ve never watched MTV.”
—Charlie Watts
He’s drumming now with Elvin Jones,
Max Roach, Art Blakey, Buddy Rich,
In jazz’s blue celestial zones,
And after that unruly hitch
With rock and roll, his grin serene
Syncs with this cool, long-playing scene.
by Shaun Jex
“One last zinger: Dorothy Parker’s headstone unveiled in NYC”
—Associated Press
Youth and beauty had their day
Now time has swept them both away
And in their place left naught but dust
(though dust that’s very pretty)
But, dear reader, do not wail
Though life is brief and all too frail
From death she stole the final word
With an epitaph quite witty
by Julia Griffin
“‘This is manifestly not Saigon’: Blinken defends US mission in Afghanistan …
‘We went into Afghanistan 20 years ago with one mission in mind,
and that was to deal with the people who attacked us on 9/11,
and that mission has been successful.'”
—The Guardian
“It’s manifestly not Saigon,”
Said Blinken, with his blinkers on;
“While that was something of a mess,
This mission’s been a clear success.
A remnant desperate to scram
Evokes no scenes from Vietnam;
They’re newer, if you still need proof,
The helicopters on the roof.”
by Shaun Jex
“Maki Kaji, the creator of the popular numbers puzzle Sudoku whose life’s work
was spreading the joy of puzzles, has died…”
—Associated Press
Maki Kaji
Kept our minds from growing stodgy
So let’s give thanks for the bloke who
Gave the world Sudoku
by Ruth S. Baker
“A California man has filed a lawsuit after he was injured trying to flee from a bear
that surprised him in a Lake Tahoe dumpster.”
—The Guardian
Dear Sir, you’re warned (to give the gist)
To cease and also to desist
And hasten to be reconciled.
In re this suit, so rashly filed,
We are reliably advised
Our client was the one surprised
By you when merely looking in
Chez Dumpster for an opened tin.
To claim for injuries incurred
By foolish flight is quite absurd:
We may not, should you stay defiant,
Be able to restrain our client
From wielding, in this rightful cause,
The Bears’ Retaliative Clause.
by Chris O’Carroll
According to The New York Times, a gluteal enhancement
operation, popularly a BBL or Brazilian Butt Lift, has
“the highest mortality rate of any cosmetic surgery.”
Injecting fat to shape and fill your ass
Can cost you $15K and kill your ass.
by Steven Kent
It’s heresy, I say,
Traditions die this way—
We have to take a stand today, my brothers!
No lager, stout, or ale
On tap or by the pail,
vermouth, or gin and tonic, or the others,
Just lemonade and tea
And coffee (whiskey-free)—
We might as well go home, lads, to our mothers!
by Alex Steelsmith
“August 24 is National Waffle Day.”
“Waffle Day is a tradition that is celebrated… on March 25.”
“March 11 is Oatmeal Nut Waffle Day.”
“National Waffle Week is celebrated on the first full week of September.”
Merrily, merrily,
National Waffle Day
happens in August—or
possibly not.
One thing is certain, though:
waffle enthusiasts
characteristically
waffle a lot.
by Geoffrey Basking
“‘Being too aspirational is repellent now’—the rise of the ‘genuinfluencers'”
—The Guardian
Cut all those aspirations down to size!
Aim lower, you’ve dejection to project,
And as the genuinfluencers rise,
Genuflect.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
A year ago, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian’s trysts
Produced a little miracle: a son—
According to esteemed zoologists,
Not one percent of such old couples’ fun
Delivers baby giant panda bears!
At National Zoo, devoted keepers say
This cub is fond of apples and of pears,
Unhurried but creative in his play,
Remarkably observant, and astute:
Not built for muggy metro weather, he
Skedaddles for the nearest AC chute
On dog days—so he proves himself to be
No dummy! … Now it’s time to join DC,
Exclaiming: Happy Birthday, Xiao Qi Ji!
by Julia Griffin
“Life coach sent in to calm Wally wars on Scilly isles …
Lizzi Larbalestier specialises in helping her clients develop ‘compassion for yourselves,
others and the planet’ … [She] was flown in … to keep the peace between Wally the Walrus
and some rather irate boatmen“
—The Sunday Times
“Pontoon built to help Wally the walrus rest”
—BBC News
For Jack, with apologies to Cab Calloway
Folks, here’s a story ’bout Wally the Walrus:
He had a face quite dour and dol’rous;
He was a rubbery, blubbery male,
And he crashed on boats with the weight of a whale.
Ho-dee ho-dee ho
Ho-dee ho-dee ho
Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi
Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi
Hey-dee hey
Hey-dee hey
Whoah
Whoah
He messed around near the Isles of Scilly
(It felt like home though not so chilly):
He boarded all the boats he found
’Cause he just loved throwing his weight around.
Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi [etc.]
Soon the boatmen, turning testier,
Called a lady called Larbalestier,
An arbitrator who taught compassion,
To stop poor Wal from fish-boat-crashin’.
Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi [etc.]
She didn’t offer him gold or palaces,
She didn’t bother with psychoanalysis,
She gave that walrus his own pontoon,
Which saved his hide from a sharp harpoon.
Hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi-dee hi [etc.]
by Steven Kent
“‘We Don’t Need Another Michelangelo’: In Italy, It’s Robots’ Turn to Sculpt”
—The New York Times
Take note, young sculptors, Venice to Milan—
Your genius and your skill are no more needed,
For these machines work harder than you can
And don’t complain when they get superseded.
They may not have a vision, style, or grace
Or any other trait that art requires,
But we can fit a dozen in one space
And run them round the clock—how this inspires!
And who’s to say a hundred years from now
(For those of us who might be down-the-roaders)
That we’ll recall what art was anyhow—
By that point all the “artists” will be coders.
by Iris Herriot
“Billionaires fight over what is actual outer space”
—CNBC
“Actual outer space”? Here’s NASA, Jeff:
Where rich men scream and everyone is deaf.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Billionaire Richard Branson, the founder of Virgin Group… became the first person to reach space using his own ship in this historical space race, beating Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk.”
—Fossbytes
“Sic itur ad astra.” (“Thus one journeys to the stars.”)
—Virgil, the Aeneid, book IX
Whammily bammily
Branson the billionaire
had to be first, as he’ll
surely explain:
“Riding my rocket felt
predestinational;
sorry, boys—space is a
Virgin domain.”
by Nora Jay
“Ritz leaves internet ‘speechless’ after explaining reason behind cracker shape”
—Fox News
The toothsome crackers known as Ritz
Are shaped for slicing cheese to bits,
Or so the Web has just divulged.
The eyes of countless foodies bulged
With shock and serious distress:
A trait ascribed to prettiness
Was really a serrated tease
Designed for brutalizing cheese!
Though some might groan and others screech,
The Internet was robbed of speech,
Which, little though this tale befits,
Should win some amnesty for Ritz.