by Alex Steelsmith

Nobody runs from your
runny proboscis
and sneezing and coughing in meetings on Zoom.
In person, assume a more
fearsome prognosis;
just clearing your throat can mean clearing the room.

by Brian Allgar

Dominic Cummimgs, Boris Johnson’s chief advisor, made a return trip to Durham during the lockdown. Three members of the public are bringing private prosecutions against him. One of them said: “What Cummings did demonstrated that at the moment in the UK if you are rich and have powerful friends the law doesn’t apply to you.’”

Cummings is a-going out;
Confinement doesn’t suit him.
Disgruntled voters have no doubt
That Boris ought to boot him.

Cummings is a-going out;
“My son needs care,” he smiles.
“The trip to Durham,” people shout,
“Is several hundred miles!”

Cummings is a-going out;
“Of course I am!” he chortles.
“The rules that I’m allowed to flout
Were made for lesser mortals.”

Cummings is a-going out;
He snarls at his accusers.
“I’m privileged, I’ve got the clout,
So bugger off, you losers!”

by Nora Jay

“The French are the road-rage champions of Europe, according to a survey…
One out of 10 French drivers believes it is ‘every person for themselves’ on the roads…
which can emerge as bad behaviour towards other drivers who have upset them,
including insults and swearing. …
The Swedes were mostly likely to drive too fast and the Spanish the keenest to use their horns.
The Greeks topped the list for dangerous road behaviour and the British last.”
—The Guardian

Do you fancy a Frankish tantrum
On the perilous Périphérique?
Can you take the strain
Of the horns of Spain
Or the swerves of a texting Greek?

O it’s sauve qui peut for Parisians,
Face red, knuckles white, speech blue:
And the swinging Swede—
You should see him speed!
But Brits—what a dull, dull crew.

by Philip Kitcher

Temperatures in Northern Siberia, within the Arctic Circle, are steadily increasing.
Recently a new record of over 100°F was set.

Enjoy your dream vacation at the Gulag Inn and Spa,
a site where summer’s warmer every year.
Though if you plan to visit you will have to travel far,
you’ll find it more than worth it once you’re here.

The tundra stands wide open—you can strike out on your own,
to dig until your haversack is full.
With luck you’ll come back carrying a woolly mammoth bone,
or, disappointed, with a human skull.

You’ll watch the kiddies frolic in our balmy local lake,
where bracing waves of methane fill the air,
supplying to the greenhouse all the gases it can take—
now the permafrost is melting everywhere.

Our town is rich in history, there’s plenty to explore,
you’ll find out how things were in days gone by,
and come across mementoes from the lives that passed before,
the prisoners the state sent off to die.

by Chris O’Carroll

“While it’s not uncommon to see heavily armed white men toting military-grade gear on American streets,
the addition of the Hawaiian shirt is a new twist.”
—The New York Times

Fascism dressed in black or brown
Worked for Berlin and Rome,
KKK terrorists likewise
Made do with monochrome,

And Dixie fought for slavery
With soldiers wearing gray,
But racist insurrectionists
Sport floral prints today.

The Stars and Bars do not suffice
As colors for their tribe.
They want Aloha shirts to rock
A new, less laid-back vibe.

by Dan Campion

“The President does read and he also consumes intelligence verbally.”
—The President’s Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany

Well, what’s Don reading, if not words?
He chews on intel with his curds?
If he’s “the most informed” guy daily,
How come chaos rules him, Kayleigh?

Could you kindly let us know
Where what’s “consumed” from thence may go:
If not his brain, some lower parts
Less apt to ratchet up his smarts?

The world might seem less out of joint
If you could clarify this point:
What roils—top secrets, soup to nuts?—
The famous presidential guts.

by Eddie Aderne

“@CanYouPetTheDog has more than 250,000 followers…”
—The Guardian

@CanYouPetTheDog, the fan-base grows;
Less so, alas, @WaitWhat’sOnHisNose.

by Julia Griffin

“‘One in a 50m chance’: woman with two wombs carrying a twin in each”
—The Guardian

by Evan Morris

I’ll uninstall Zoom and I’ll throw out my screen.
I’ll then run my palms over counters, unclean.
I’ll spit when I talk
and at masks, I will balk!
All this will I do… once we have a vaccine.

by Julia Griffin

“A small-scale miner in Tanzania has become an overnight millionaire after selling two rough Tanzanite stones—
the biggest ever find in the country. … ‘There will be a big party tomorrow,’ [Saniniu] Laizer… told the BBC.
‘I want to build a shopping mall and a school. I want to build this school near my home.
There are many poor people around here who can’t afford to take their children to school’ [he said.]
‘I am not educated but I like things run in a professional way. So I would like my children to run
the business professionally.’”—BBC 

In these harsh days, let’s welcome with delight
The birth of this fantastic tanzanite,
A banker’s haul delivered from the earth.
The papers marvel at how much it’s worth:
About two-thirds what EXXON Mobil spent
On lobbying the nation’s government;
Sixteen percent (or not that much below)
The yearly pay of FOX’s CEO.
But these are Tanzanian gems, and here
Most earn (in dollars) just 4K per year,
And he who found them surely made no more;
But this is what he’ll use his money for:
Provisions for his neighbors, and a school.
“Not educated”? Sure, but ah! no fool.

by Nora Jay
(who is English)

“US woman sparks transatlantic tea war with brutal online brew
Michelle from North Carolina shared her recipe for ‘British tea’. …
[which] involved cold water first. The British internet lost its marbles.”
—The Guardian

A cup of water, microwaved,
With teabag on the side,
Cannot by any means be saved,
So shunt the swill aside,

Then boil your water; warm your pot;
Unwrap your fancy; steep it;
Fill cup; splash milk. If tea is not
So fashioned, you may keep it.

(Now coffee’s of a different ilk,
Requiring little mettle:
Find instant granules, douse with milk,
And stew in any kettle.)

by Paul Haebig

Though previously thought to have none
Matt Gaetz has acknowledged a son.
“It just seemed more prudent
to say ‘local student’
until the election was done.”

by Ruth S. Baker

“Experts call for regulation after latest botched art restoration in Spain
Copy of Immaculate Conception painting by Murillo reportedly cleaned
by furniture restorer”
—The Guardian

So then I saw this painting:
“Immaculate,” so-called.
Well, I was near to fainting.
The grime! You’d be appalled.

I pitied that Murillo,
Pulled out my Retrobright,
And started pushing Brillo.
It’s spotless now all right.

by Julia Griffin

“‘I did something good: I made Juneteenth very famous,’ Trump said in reference to the rally date in an interview published Thursday. ‘It’s actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it.'”
—CNN

“It’s actually a big event,”
Soliloquized the President;
“Juneteenth’s important, quite a bit;
But nobody had heard of it
Until my rally brought it fame.
I’m going now to do the same
For other dates: to specify,
You know the 4th day of July?
No, no one does, but wait until
I tweet about it. Then you will.
December’s got a day or two
I’m going to reveal. Scroll through
November, too—Day 26:
Unheard of. That I’m going to fix;
But is there something on the 3rd…?
Just wait and see. I’ll tweet you word.”

by Nora Jay

Judge Roberts came through
With a temperate view:
Confess it;
So too did Judge Gorsuch,
But will there be more such?
Don’t press it.