by Bruce Bennett

Their skeletons provided clues:
the Upper Class wore pointy shoes

That gave them bunions more than joy.
The clergy too. The hoi polloi

Were happier. Flat shoes instead
were testified to by their dead.

The lesson’s clear. Though fashion’s nice,
embrace it, and you’ll pay a price,

And centuries later, folks will gawk
at silly ways you chose to walk,

And also know you took a tumble,
and all to prove you were not humble!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

The summit held by Vladimir and Joe,
Where Biden said that two great powers met,
Officially succeeded—though we know,
Geneva has accomplished nothing yet!
Reporters were all told: To reach the goal
Envisioned by our president takes time,
As we lack moves within one man’s control
To turn back his opponent on a dime …
Perhaps it makes Joe envy the extent
Of soccer power: One star snubbed some Coke,
Which dropped Coke’s share price almost two percent,
Effecting his objective at a stroke! …
Ronaldo can achieve goals tout de suite,
Since he has two great powers—both his feet!

*Since “Two Great Powers” first appeared, Ronaldo’s effect on Coke’s
share price has been disputed. (Still a funny poem, though!)—Editors

by Catherine Chandler

“The Pelham Police Department has issued an arrest warrant for a chipmunk who infiltrated
police headquarters …  If they are successful in detaining the miscreant, officers have not yet decided
whether they will press charges.”
—New Hampshire Union Leader

Wishily-washily
cops in New Hampshire weigh
whether to charge or to
turn a blind eye

to the wee burglar who
über-rebelliously
mirrors the motto to
Live Free or Die!

by Nora Jay

“Ageing process is unstoppable, finds unprecedented study”
—The Guardian

A new, unprecedented study
Has clarified what once was muddy:
Though creams may fool the odd beholder,
We must unstoppably get older.

The tab, when finally presented,
Was equally unprecedented,
And thus we find two truths, old buddies:
Age can’t be stopped, and nor can studies.

by David Hedges

A pitcher’s trained to scratch his crotch,
Send signals to the catcher, spit
Tobacco juice, covertly watch
For stolen bases, pound his mitt,

Tap the mound to clear his spikes,
Adjust his cap, wind up—no balks—
And let ‘er fly. He’s thinking strikes,
And cusses when a batter walks.

Now we learn their balls are sticky,
Doused with something ultra-tacky.
Their aim? To stop another Mickey
From appearing, or a Jackie.

by Julia Griffin

“Antidepressants in waterways may make crayfish bolder, increasing risk of predation”
—National Geographic

The drugs that make us feel OK
Make shellfish quite high, sad to say:
“Clam down!” cry the crayfish;
“It’s safer than safeish!”
And that’s how they end étouffés.

by Chris O’Carroll

“[Soccer] star Megan Rapinoe and actress and producer Priyanka Chopra Jonas are joining
Victoria’s Secret in what the lingerie giant is calling a ‘dramatic shift’ for the brand.”
—BBC News

The lingerie I never buy
Has tried for years to catch my eye
With ads like Playboy videos
(Except for mere, sheer scraps of clothes).
The undies-vending pitch that pays
Has always been about my gaze.
But they have tossed aside my bro-ness.
Rapinoe now and Chopra Jonas
Have more appealing things to say
About how gals look good today.

by Dan Campion

“UFOs could threaten US security, pols say after Capitol Hill briefing”
—New York Post

“Klaatu barada nikto,” pols:
Stand ready with those words;
Real Gorts are out there, not just dolls,
Balloons, drones, clouds, and birds!

Wherever ETs hail from,
We know you’ve got our backs,
And Men in Black will join the scrum
When Gort or Mars attacks.

But if your incantations fail
And black ops get the ax,
Then pass a bill to make Gort quail:
A universal tax.

by Jerome Betts

“The Liberal Democrats have pulled off an extraordinary victory in the Buckinghamshire constituency
of Chesham and Amersham . . . In a shock result, the Lib Dem Sarah Green secured 21,517 votes,
leaving the Conservative Peter Fleet trailing with 13,489 . . . The Green party candidate Carolyne
Culver got 1, 480 votes . . .”
—The Guardian

Yes, cheers loud and hearty
For Sarah Green’s party—
The triumphant poll-topper,
Not the Green party proper.

by Steve Bremner

“According to [Philadelphia Public Health Dept.] officials, 53.8 percent of adults are fully vaccinated,
and 69 percent of adults have gotten at least one dose.”
—Patch.com

“More than half of the [USA’s] population has now received at least one dose of coronavirus vaccine,
according to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”
—The Washington Post

“You are not fully vaccinated until 2 weeks after the 2nd dose of a two-dose vaccine…”
—CDC

Jabberty blabberty
Pundits love telling us
How vaccination is
Beating The Beast,

Winning the race by a
Supermajority:
“Most of our runners have
One leg at least.”

by Clyde Always

The latest lab-leak theorist
has recently come out;
of COVID’s hazy origins
he spoke with little doubt.

So who’s this raving, right-wing loon
who mispronounced “Wuhan”—
Shapiro, Jones or Carlson?
Nope: Stewart <comma> Jon.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Unidentified bidder pays $28 million in auction to join Bezos for July space flight… Bezos and his
crewmates will experience about three minutes of weightlessness near the top of the trajectory.”
—CBS

Hiddenly biddenly
Someone Anonymous,
craving a chance to be
physically hurled

into a moment of
nongravitational
bliss, paid a sum that is
out of this world.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“As part of its strategy to vaccinate more of its population, Washington State will allow adults to claim
a free marijuana joint when they receive a Covid-19 vaccination shot.”
—The New York Times

There once was a man named Eugene
Who chose to forgo the vaccine.
Endangering others,
He snapped, “That’s my druthers,
So stuff it and don’t intervene.”

But then he was offered some pot
Contingent on getting the shot.
This highly inventive
And clever incentive
Converted him right on the spot.

by Janice D. Soderling

“Senator Joe Manchin’s push to have the parties work together has become a major obstacle
for Democratic legislation on voting rights and other issues.”
—The New York Times

Joe Manchin seeks consensus
which is surely fine and good
when you’re dealing with a partner
who does what he said he would.

But if “give-and-take” means “our way”
and they often change their tune,
you are dining with the devil,
and should bring a real long spoon.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Have (aliens) Overcome Their Savage Past, or Might They Want to Eat Us?”
—AirSpaceMag.com

“Oreo Has a New UFO-Themed Pack to Extend an Olive Branch to Extraterrestrials.”
—YahooNews

Jeepery creepery,
alien visitors
might want to eat us, so
plan for the worst.

If you’re confronted by
extraterrestrials,
try to appease them with
Oreos first.