by Julia Griffin

“Chris the sheep, a merino famed for once being discovered with the world’s heaviest fleece, has died in Australia. The animal generated global attention in 2015 after being spotted in the wild carrying what was described as six years’ worth of wool. A life-saving haircut followed, with a shearer removing 41.1kg (88lb) of fleece—later confirmed to be a world record.
On Tuesday, his carers at a New South Wales farm said he had died of old age. …
The sanctuary added that while Chris was best known for his fleece, to staff he had been ‘so much more’.”
—BBC News

In New South Wales, the farmers weep,
Then fondly reminisce
About the just-departed sheep
Known globally as Chris,

Whose harvest of merino wool
(And other odd debris)
Would once have rendered three bags’ full,
Each 13 + kg.

This awed the world, but Chris’s friends
Had found him so much more—
So now, they hope his state transcends
The best he’d known before:

He hears the music of the spheres,
And chews the grass of peace,
With no necessity for shears
To touch his risen fleece;

For what was once a greasy shroud
Is now an airy shawl:
A sweet, self-generated cloud,
Which has no weight at all.

by Ruth S. Baker

“[New Twitter star] cigarette cockroach is giving [older Twitter star] pizza rat a run for its money in New York”
—CNN

Cigarette Cockroach is taking the air,
Smoke-scented spiracles gently aflare,
Barely perceptibly raising his hat
In the direction of Pizza King Rat.
Weighing the chances that each of them has,
Rat, say the pundits, rates first for pizzazz;
Roach, by comparison, has it for class.
Though among rodents mere whiskers might pass,
Next to antennae they look like old strings;
Nor has plain spine the charisma of wings.
“Hey!” cackles Razza, his jaws full of cheese,
“Siggi can’t even support his own fleas.
Voting for me, all you fauna should know,
You vote for yourselves. I’m the dude with the dough.”

by Janice D. Soderling

“New Jersey school district proposes banning students with lunch debt from field trips, prom”
—The Hill

Sorry kid, you shoulda picked
some other mom and dad,
who pay their bills, who don’t get sick
or get laid off. Too bad.

Sorry kid, we have to shame
to teach a tough-love lesson.
Cash is king. Life ain’t no game
or free delicatessen.

Sorry kid, you’re also banned
from field trips and the prom.
Next time show up with cash in hand
and pick a better dad and mom.

by Chris O’Carroll

He plans to keep America great
By walling the country off state by state.

by Nora Jay

“Woman who stood on ship’s railing for selfie barred for life from cruise line”
—CNN

So here I’m standing on a ship—
Yes, actually on a rail
(You need to view the YouTube clip
To get a proper sense of scale).

I know my arms are quite a blur,
But I was stretching like a cross
(See #SexyMariner,
And #SexyAlbatross).

That’s it, though, for my ocean trips—
The captain was a total pill,
And now I’m banned from cruising ships.
Check out this 10th-floor window sill!

by Alex Steelsmith

Last week Benedict Cumberbatch joined other celebrities who signed an open letter admitting they are “climate hypocrites,” but urging that attention be drawn to the more pressing issue of climate emergency. The letter says they will continue to speak out on the issue, and that their high-carbon lifestyles will continue to cause climate harm.

Wiggily piggily
Benedict Cumberbatch
makes a concession that
few will admit:

though his behavior’s not
unhypocritical,
this is a crisis; he
simply won’t quit.

by Chris O’Carroll

Donald Trump snorts lines of coke
Off Tucker Carlson’s ass.

Mitch McConnell’s bare hands choke
Poor children every day.

Zuckerberg supplies Assad
With all his poison gas.

If they were in a Facebook ad,
These lies would be OK.

by Julia Griffin

“Plan to exhume James Joyce’s remains fires international ‘battle of the bones’.”
—The Guardian

As Bloom desired his kidneys (“his”
For breakfast, not dialysis),
Or as he longed for Molly’s heart
(Her least outrageous longed-for part):
Like him, his countrymen now yearn
For Joyce’s long-delayed return.
They want to have him nicely packed
And handled with respect and tact;
The son his land so proudly owns
Is not some common heap of bones.
Will Zurich give him up? They might
At least be moved by Dublin’s plight—
This urge to honor and anoint
Which somehow seems to miss the point.
Once someone craved to kiss the hand
That wrote Ulysses. “Understand,”
Replied that literary prince,
“It has had other duties since.”

by Bruce Bennett

Do “all roads lead to Putin?” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
told The Washington Post she asked President Trump that question
before she left a White House meeting.

Do “all roads lead to Putin”?
Why, yes, that now seems clear,
as Nancy said to Donald,
and that has led to here,

Though what that next may lead to
is anybody’s guess.
The road ahead is murky,
but must we take it? Yes.

by Claudia Gary

From walking out in space
to walking out of meetings,
in elegance and grace
they soar above his tweetings.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Residents of a Sydney suburb have been warned to be on the lookout for a massive snake … after its skin was spotted at a property on Thursday.”
—breakingnews.travel

O the hubbub in the suburb!
Local panic is profuse,
For a goer of a boa
Is at large and on the loose.

If you’re certain you’ve a serpent,
‘Tis no time to act perverse.
Be not stupid, do not spot it:
Spots will only make it worse.

by Julia Griffin

“Rare Jane Austen letter to sister to be sold at auction … 
The letter, dated 16 September 1813 … is ‘a gem’, according to Kathryn Sutherland, an Austen scholar and trustee of Jane Austen’s House Museum. Bonhams, which will auction the letter on 23 October, said it is ‘full of lively detail, wit and charm’, vividly echoing the world [Austen] deftly portrayed in her novels’ and ‘written at the height of [her] literary powers’. … Bonhams believes the letter, which has been in a private collection since 1909, will fetch between £65,000 to £97,000 at auction.”
—The Guardian

Jane’s latest letter ought to fetch,
We’re told, some ninety thousand quid.
A sum so mad might make me kvetch
(And as you’ve just observed, it did).
But I would like to turn, instead,
To what I’ll bring when I am dead.

Now as for letters, done in ink,
I’m far too indolent, I fear;
For correspondence, though, I think
You’d find it hard to name my peer:
And every note, I’m proud to say,
Bears year, month, day, and time of day.

A taste, to tempt you. “Home tonight.”
(4:10) “When you’re in Bi-Lo, get
Some pasta.” (5:15). “Not white.”
(5:20). “Did you call the vet?”
(6:30). “Yes, I’m still alive,
Just late! XXX.” (9:05).

My Inbox is a treasure-pit:
Each message is, like Jane’s, a gem;
They are so full of charm and wit,
You’ll want to buy the lot of them.
So beat the crowd and order now!
My Powers In Progress: ninety thou.

by Nora Jay

“Trump defends Syria decision by saying Kurds ‘didn’t help us with Normandy‘”
—The Guardian

And why stop there? It’s just absurd
How much we’ve faced without one Kurd:
Recall the Alamo—a word
Synonymous with lack of Kurd,
And Little Big Horn—not one third
Of which proud name bears trace of Kurd.
“What good,” cries Trump, his foot-bones spurred,
“Has ever come from any Kurd?”

by Dan Campion

“Original Paleo Diet Recipe: Cave-Aged Bone Marrow“
—The New York Times

Cave dwellers savored gamy fare
Preserved in hoof and bone.
Who doubts someone will take their dare?
(I hear brave stomachs groan.)

One researcher had just a taste:
“Bland sausage.” Age of Stone,
Though some may try your marrow paste
I’d leave that stuff alone.

by Nora Jay

“[Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez] spent nearly $300 on her hairdo at a pricey salon she frequents in downtown Washington… Her high-dollar hairdo stands in stark contrast to that of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions … who is a regular customer at Senate Hair Care Services.”
—The Washington Times

AOC, that pampered dullard,
At a place which charged top dollar
Had her tresses cut and colored,
Filling Fox’s Friends with choler.

“Fraud!” they clamored. “How improper!
What a slave to mere impressions,
When so near and cheap a chopper
Coifs the brow of grave Jeff Sessions!”