by Chris O’Carroll
“Austrian village of Fucking to be renamed Fugging”
—Politico
The village of Fucking is changing its name.
Now Austria’s frickin’ map won’t look the same.
Will dropping their “Fuck” bring the Fuggingers joy?
Perhaps we should ask Effingham, Illinois.
by Dan Campion
“That’s a sacred number, thirty thousand.”
—President Donald J. Trump, commenting on the Dow-Jones Industrial Average
O beautiful for high-rise skies,
Diplomas (for a fee),
Red MAGA caps and long silk ties,
God showers gold on thee!
America! America!
Don thanks you for your trust!
So, dearest friends: pay dividends
Before his brand goes bust.
by Iris Herriot
“One of the year’s most remarkable linguistic developments, according to the OED,
has been the extent to which scientific terms have entered general discourse,
as we have all become armchair epidemiologists, with most of us now familiar with
the term ‘R number’.
“Before 2020 this was a term known mainly to epidemiologists; now non-experts routinely
talk about ‘getting the R down’ or ‘bringing R below 1’. …
Use of ‘Black Lives Matter’ and ‘BLM’ also surged, as did the term ‘QAnon’,
up by 5,716% on last year. … Use of ‘Brexit’, however, has dropped by 80% this year.”
—The Guardian
This year’s new words, it might appear, just bother and encumber,
But one of them we do enjoy: that’s R, the verbal number.
This entity, obscure last year as prehistoric mists,
Makes sense now we’re all armchair epidemiologists:
We’re following the science, never letting mask or guard down,
Workationing remotely, mailing in to get the R down;
We’re flattening the curve, creating bubbles (not for fun),
Intent on bringing R beneath the numeral of 1.
Community-transmissioners unmute but find no takers;
When R is up they’re feeling down, likewise the circuit-breakers;
Though Brexit’s round the corner, it’s less popular by far
Than BLM and QAnon and good old number R.
by Bruce Bennett
As Covid surges and the country sinks,
Where is our modern Nero? On the links.
by Eddie Aderne
“Arts world dismayed at fate of London home of Rimbaud and Verlaine
Graham Henderson, R&V’s chief executive … [said] “the seismic importance of events that
happened there, people are still writing books about. These events have achieved
mythic status.”
He was referring to the poets’ devastating quarrel: “Rimbaud leant out of the window as
Verlaine was walking back from Camden market … and shouted a stream of abuse. Verlaine hit
Rimbaud with a fish he’d acquired in the market [and] fled to Brussels. Rimbaud, contrite,
immediately followed … Verlaine shot Rimbaud, wounding him … and went to prison for a
couple of years for that.”
—The Guardian
Though “mythic status” might sound meretricious,
Few are the homes where bards have wielded fishes—
An act which shows at least good, honest muscles,
Unlike the gun Verlaine deployed in Brussels.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Helicopter pilot finds ‘strange’ monolith in remote part of Utah
State employee spotted mysterious metal structure amid red rocks
while counting bighorn sheep”
—The Guardian
A helicopter pilot, counting sheep
(Not, to be clear, for purposes of sleep)
Spotted a metal structure down in Utah:
Amid red rocks, a streak of shiny pewtah.
We know that UFOs are but a myth:
So we assume this lonely monolith
Is nothing but a tribute, or a rubric
To show us what we know of Stanley Kubrick.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“A rainbow mural of seven Winston Churchills wearing stockings and suspenders
which prompted a complaint… because of the wartime prime minister’s
trademark V-sign is to be allowed to remain in place.”
—The Guardian
As every schoolchild knows, or must suppose,
“Up yours!” is not what Churchill’s V-sign meant,
Though painting him in underpants and hose
Unwisely welcomes priggish discontent!
Resolved that Winston’s mural was too rude,
Naff Brighton Council ordered: “Overpaint—
Obscenity in public shan’t be viewed!” …
No trousers on, did that cause this complaint? …
All in the nick of time, the truth came out:
Vast ignorance of Churchill’s time prevailed.
Some councillors, in law, may have some clout.
In history, abysmally, all failed! …
Go see the mural as it was before—
No longer rude, its V means “won this war!”
by Pat D’Amico
Oh, how I miss Trader Joe’s,
And Safeway would make my heart swell.
I would love to peruse all the aisles
Of my local Home Depot as well.
But since I am into my eighties,
These lavish forays I’ll forgo
As I wait for the shot to release me
From this son-of-a [bleep] status quo.
by Nora Jay
“Rudy Giuliani appears to sweat hair dye as he makes election claims”
—The Telegraph
With posture of bat and malevolent mewl,
Our Rudy’s well known as both vampire and ghoul;
But still it’s a shock (one that can’t be denied)
To find he’s not only Undead but Undyed.
by David Hedges
Some twenty thousand daily
Keeps Rudy quibbling gayly,
Exceeding even Kayleigh.
He loves My Cousin Vinny,
The courtroom scene wherein he
Sinks to ignominy.
He’s better cast as Bonnie,
With Clyde portrayed by Donnie—
Two pawns of Q-Anony.
by Julia Griffin
“Former Ballerina with Alzheimer’s is able to remember her old dance routine when she hears ‘Swan Lake'”
—Yahoo! News
(with apologies to Yeats)
A sudden glow: the hollowed arms upswept
Above the wandering head, the starry burst
Streaking the dark. The cobwebbed feet have kept
Their knowledge, not their power: she was cursed,
Long since, this maimed princess. A crueller stroke
Than Rothbart’s holds her caged, blots out her sky;
How can frail forelimbs beat away his smoke?
How can a grounded spirit hope to fly
Back to its Lake?—except that something strange
Still beats in her, beneath her parchy skin:
A memory.
Among art’s kindlier things,
This timelessness, created out of change:
A ballerina, spotlit from within,
Trailing her lovely, half-extended wings.
by Dan Campion
“Facing collapse, the famed Arecibo Observatory will be demolished”
—The Verge
Our infrastructure’s not alone;
SETI’s, too, is failing.
They’ve even lost the dial tone
Of ETs out there hailing.
by Iris Herriot
“The Vatican said it was seeking explanations from Instagram after Pope Francis’s official account
liked a photo of a scantily dressed Brazilian model.”
—The Guardian
(with apologies to Rogers and Hammerstein)
Models displayed over Buzzfeed and Twitter,
Costumed in little but stockings and glitter,
Braless Brazilians in shoes heeled with spikes:
These are some things that His Holiness likes.
Monsignori
May show fury
(As no churchman should),
Shouting Anathema! Obstat! or Yikes!—
The Pope’s never felt so good.
by Alex Steelsmith
“‘The Nature of Middle-earth, a collection of previously unpublished J.R.R. Tolkien essays…
will be released by HarperCollins in June 2021.’ … The topics [include] ‘Elvish immortality
and reincarnation.'”
–lithub.com
Higgledy-hobbity,
J.R.R. Tolkien
soon will reveal how the
soul of an elf,
being immortal and
reincarnational,
always returns—like the
author himself.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Emily W. Murphy is hearing from Americans demanding she do her job. There’s just one problem:
She’s not that Emily W. Murphy. … It seems ordinary Americans had identified her as the Emily W.
Murphy appointed by President Trump as head of the General Services Administration, who has
infuriated many with her refusal to sign documents declaring Joe Biden as the apparent winner
of the presidential election.”
—The Washington Post
We differ but we seem to be the same:
Each one’s a Murphy, Emily as well.
But if, in full, you write the middle name,
Such sameness is so easy to dispel…
Though if a W is all you see,
Especially if photos aren’t supplied,
Regrettably, you think that I am she
And send me pens, and though I’m on your side,
No power to use pens at GSA
Do I yet have. But if pens come in tens,
Would you please send, not Bics, but Cartier
Authentic gold and diamond fountain pens?…
No help to Joe’s transition could I be—
Gold would, however, help transition me!