by Julia Griffin
“A man brought a llama in a tuxedo to his sister’s wedding,
and the photo of her unamused expression is going viral.”
—Insider
A man conveyed me to his sister’s wedding
In a tuxedo, much to my surprise.
I felt so awkward I could not stop shedding:
It wasn’t just the error in the size.
The photo of my unamused expression
Is going viral. Why should that perplex?
Before you have a costumed photo session
With llamas, kindly ask about our sex.
my home town
by Pat D’Amico
“Kirkland, Wash., becomes epicenter of coronavirus response as cases spread”
—The Washington Post
We’re advised, if we’re sixty plus,
(My friends all agree that means us)
To stay in our homes, hunkered down—
No shopping or nights on the town.
But for travelers, space is a breeze:
Just say, “I’m from Kirkland” and sneeze.
by Julia Griffin
“Possible new ‘minimoon’ discovered orbiting Earth
It’s been with us for three years, astronomers say. Sadly, it’ll probably be gone by spring. …
Meet 2020 CD3, Earth’s newest possible ‘minimoon.'”
—Space.com
This possible new minimoon
Is due to vanish with the spring.
It’s just a little skinimoon
But whirling like a spinimoon
(No hint of ignominimoon),
Exuberantly orbiting.
Has it a name? No commoners
Were party to this travesty,
But thanks to some astronomers
(Judiciously anonomers)
This minimoonimoniker’s
Just 2020 CD3.
by Dan Campion
“This will end.”
—The President of the United States, at a press conference on the coronavirus
All maladies do come to closure.
Why, then, fret about exposure?
One day, each raging fever’s spent.
Let’s look beyond this president.
by Nora Jay
“Republicans furious over history lesson comparing Trump to Nazis“
—The Guardian
“Outcry after MSNBC host compares Sanders’ Nevada win to Nazi invasion“
—The Guardian
This week we have ear-marked the Wehrmacht,
The versatile Waffen SS,
The Reich and the Führer.
What trick could be surer
For lighting a fire in the Press?
We quickly saw Donald McConnelled
(That’s “fought for with pop-eyed hauteur”):
It’s Liberal slurring
To talk about Göring!—
The GOP shrinks from a slur;
But as for old Bernie, his journey
Has garnered some Foxian cred:
To have a belittler
Compare him with Hitler
Is better than Wrong-Sort-Of-Red.
by Chris O’Carroll
“China bans trade, consumption of wild animals due to coronavirus”
—Reuters
If I want a pangolin sandwich,
Civet soup, or a peacock pâté,
The public health nannies will thwart me.
They’re taking my snake meat away.
OK, there might be a pandemic.
They might have good reason to say
That crocodile flesh is off limits,
But I crave bat tidbits today.
by Eddie Aderne
“Film director Rian Johnson has lifted the lid on a secret in the world of product placement—Apple will not allow its kit to be used by a villainous character on screen.
‘Apple, they let you use iPhones in movies, but—and this is very pivotal—if you’re ever watching a mystery movie, bad guys cannot have iPhones on camera,’ [said] Johnson.”
—The Guardian
On the blazing silver screen,
Sinners grope and grapple,
But one thing they won’t be seen
Touching is an Apple.
Keep outside the filmset’s bounds
Rogues With iPads— this’ll
Give the sponsors instant grounds
For unpaid dismissal.
Hold those MacBook Airs aloft!
Keep them clean and squeaky!
(Luckily there’s Microsoft
If your gangster’s geeky.)
by Bruce Bennett
“In the last couple of decades, the world has
become unmoored, crazier, somehow messier.
The black swans are circling; chaos monkeys
have been unleashed.”
—The New York Times
I saw one monkey yesterday.
It gibbered on my lawn.
Since then black swans have made their way
into my dreams. I’ve gone
From dread to panic to despair,
but things keep getting worse!
Is there no Power anywhere
to throw them in reverse?
by Ruth S. Baker
“China will not send ducks to tackle locusts in Pakistan, says expert“
—The Guardian
It was a painful choice to make. The finest minds were focused
In China and in Pakistan on Operation Locust;
But though it seemed an altogether providential plan,
There’ll be no Chinese locust-eating ducks in Pakistan.
Now ducks, we know, are not just cute and suitable for hugs:
They have a culinary taste for predatory bugs.
Alas, while this seems promising, the climate in Karachi
For any sort of waterfowl is dangerously parchy.
O locusts louse up any agricultural locale:
This Moses knew, as many others did and do and shall;
But now the thing’s decided: we must bear it as we can:
There’ll be no Chinese locust-eating ducks in Pakistan.
by Julia Griffin
Who is it who’s buried in Romulus’ tomb?
We’d love to agree but we can’t.
Romulus, some say, while others presume
It’s really Ulysses S. Grant.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Bronx Zoo’s Happy the Elephant is not legally ‘a person,’ judge rules …
Bronx Supreme Court Judge Alison Tuitt dismissed the NonHuman Rights Project’s petition to grant the 48-year-old pachyderm ‘legal personhood’ in order to move her to a 2,300-acre sanctuary.
‘The court agrees that Happy is more than just a legal thing, or property. She is an intelligent, autonomous being who should be treated with respect and dignity, and who may be entitled to liberty,’ Tuitt wrote in the judgment. ‘[But] we are constrained by the case law to find that Happy is not a ‘person’ and not being illegally imprisoned.'”
—The New York Post
If you’re Happy and you know it, wave your trunk,
But don’t fancy you’re a person since it’s bunk;
You’re too smart to start assumin’
You are legally a human:
Would you want to have your teeth so sharply shrunk?
If you’re Happy and you know it, good for you:
That is really more than people mostly do;
You’re entitled to your freedom
And respect, if you should need ’em;
But you’d really best enjoy ’em in the Zoo.
by Orel Protopopescu
“Trump’s Path to Weaker Fuel Efficiency Rules May Lead to a Dead End”
—The New York Times
I like cars that are dirtier,
just like my politics.
I’m tearing up Obama’s rules,
a liberal bag of tricks.
The auto workers love my tweets.
They’ll pay me at the polls.
More asthma? Higher costs for gas?
Who’s counting? Deep state trolls?
Economists attack my plan.
They say my way costs more
by stealing years from children’s lives.
Who cares? I just need four.
by Julia Griffin
“One of Pompeii’s most celebrated buildings, the House of Lovers, will reopen to the public on Tuesday, 40 years after it was severely damaged in an earthquake. …
The name of the house, which dates back to the first century BC, was derived from a Latin inscription … that translates as: ‘Lovers like bees pass a sweet life like honey. I wish it were so.'”
—The Guardian
Love is pressure, love is fire,
Love’s a burning lode:
Crammed with carbonous desire,
Mountain tops explode.
Love’s a sequence of assaults;
Love’s a livid scar,
Hiding deeply-buried faults.
Love knows where they are.
Sweet amid the quake debris’
Pyroclastic flow,
Lovers live like honey bees!
(Would that it were so.)
by Chris O’Carroll
“Man triumphs in battle for ‘IM GOD’ license plate in Kentucky”
—The Washington Post
When you go driving in Kentucky,
You just might see, if you get lucky,
The atheist who beat the state
In court to win the license plate
IM GOD. It’s just his way to scoff
At faith, but best not cut him off.
by Nora Jay
“Hindu god Shiva given seat on Kashi-Mahakal Express …
Officials in charge of the Kashi-Mahakal Express … booked the upper berth in a second-class, air-conditioned compartment for the god known as the cosmic destroyer on the train’s inaugural run. …
The Times of India said in an editorial that ‘assigning an upper berth to Shiva is illogical, because he has transcended the plane on which berths exist’.”
—The Guardian
Shiva
Was no diva.
When assigned a second-class berth,
He did not destroy the earth.