by Dan Campion
“Birds are dinosaurs. ”—Steve Brusatte, The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs
“[A] farmer spotted the fossils while herding sheep.”—Reuters
They dig each week from arid ground
Another beast, age so profound
It staggers us unused to such
Deep time, who do not venture much
Outside our own sad, savage era
Stained by ink and smeared mascara.
With signs of feathers, colors, wit,
These dinosaurs look custom-fit
To rule ten million years times ten
On Earth, then do it all again.
Instead, a vagrant star took charge,
Upstaging lizards living large.
They slumped off Earth without a word
And left it to the hummingbird.
by Chris O’Carroll
The friendship we build at the summit
Will be such a beautiful thing.
As soon as I get to Helsinki,
I’ll be kneeling to kiss Putin’s ring.
They say his spies hacked our election,
But he’s strong, so I’ll give him a pass.
As soon as I get to Helsinki,
I’ll be kneeling to kiss Putin’s ring.
He’s tough. He’s so full of machismo,
He makes my heart beat double quick.
As soon as I get to Helsinki,
I’ll be kneeling to kiss Putin’s ring.
by Mae Scanlan
President, President, where have you been?
“I’ve been to London to visit the Queen.”
President, President, what did you there?
“I maddened our allies, but what do I care?”
by Joanna Bird
On the streets there’s been much agitation;
There’s frustration and rage in the air.
Could it be anti-Trump protestation?
No! It’s fighting about Build-A-Bear.
by Julia Griffin
“I’m a Very Well-Bred Toff Says Ex-Showjumper who Daubed Pig’s Blood on Cheating Lord’s ₤1m Flat”: After praising the “very nice judge” who let her walk free, [she] said: “Everything starts in Norfolk. It is a hotbed of sex. I am a very, very well-bred toff, I was born and bred in Norfolk. So many people have said I should write my life story but I am so bonkers I can’t remember it.” —Daily Mail
How patrician this whole scenario:
Jumping lady and humping lord
(Sixty-three and a true Lothario);
Low-browed plebs must be over-awed.
Ex-Showjumper has found catharsis
Through this sanguinary jamboree;
Such impulsiveness quickly passes
With such aristocrats as she;
Blue-blooded character soon reconquers:
She’s regretful for what she did,
Characterizing herself as “bonkers”
(Charged, on top, fifteen thousand quid).
Now she’s doing Community Service,
Banned by miles from her Tory peer;
But the price of her fervent lurve is
Not so high as a prole might fear.
In South Africa, not in prison,
Fined the price of a Ritz cocktail,
Ex-Showjumper, her stock much risen,
Speaks her mind to the Daily Mail:
“The judge understood that we’re not like poor folk:
Toff-style passion’s what flutters our wigs;
Everything starts in naughty Norfolk—
Hotbed of sex, and poshos, and pigs.”
by Viveca Priestley
After illustrating a lecture on turtles with photos of scantily clad former students, scientist Dick Vogt was stripped of his Distinguished Herpetologist Award.
He was wrong to include those bikinis,
but think of what’s truly obscene: he’s
the jerk whose slides make us
show all, from cloacas
to purple reptilian weenies!
by Dan Campion
“President Trump kicked off his trip to Europe with a biting critique of the United States’ longtime allies, declaring at a breakfast meeting that Germany ‘is captive to Russia.’ Next to him, three of his senior officials seemed uncomfortable at times, pursing their lips and glancing away from the table. … In a statement to The Post, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, ‘[Gen. John Kelly] was displeased because he was expecting a full breakfast and there were only pastries and cheese.'”—The Washington Post
I miss my customary fare.
Alas, the sideboard’s almost bare.
I’ll look forlorn. They’ll have a heart
And send a proper breakfast cart.
My President is speaking, though—
I’ll do my best to smile and glow. . .
Nope, nothing doing. In a pet,
A four-star needs an omelet.
by Jerome Betts
It’s hardly civil in a guest
To stab his hostess in the chest
With praise of one more crass buffoon
Who hopes to dispossess her soon.
Bad form, not cricket, bloody bumptious—
Or should we rather term it Trumptious?
by Julia Griffin
(with apologies to Byron)
“Now experts say it’s possible the Supreme Court could reverse the landmark ruling that legalised abortion nationwide in America more than 40 years ago.”—ABC News [Australia]
So, we’ll bet no more on Rovie,
For years a legal right;
The Court has long been mauvey;
It’s looking red tonight.
For a law’s good health depends
On favor more than truth,
And Rovie has few friends
But Elena, Sonia, Ruth;
And though they’re holding steady,
I’m very much afraid
That the tide has turned already.
Watch poor Rovie wade.
by Bruce McGuffin
“[Starbucks] said Monday that by 2020, it will be using straws made from biodegradable materials like paper and specially designed lids.”—The Boston Globe
We teetered on the edge of the abyss,
brought to the brink of doom by plastic straws.
Who ever thought the world would end like this?
Then Starbucks bravely rallied to our cause!
The clouds of gloom disperse, the sun shines through.
“Three cheers!” I say and raise a grateful venti.
“To Starbucks, they have saved us, yes it’s true!
If we can just hold on till 2020.”
by Chris O’Carroll
We know that he’s a fan of breasts.
He’s said 10s seldom have flat chests.
But should the WHO
Promote breastfeeding? No, no, no!
Hooters are for recreation,
Not gross pastimes like lactation.
No wonder his administration
(Eyeing a big campaign donation?)
Favors any corporation
With a faux milk formulation.
by Phil Huffy
I liked to ride in first-class seats
while sipping wine from crystal flutes,
arrayed in tactical attire
accessorized with belts and boots.
I sought a soundproof office booth
to keep my phone calls under wraps.
A Cone of Silence, if you will,
to smartly stifle leaks or taps.
I found myself a bargain room
with free TV and breakfast perks.
If some suspected quids pro quo,
well that’s just how the system works.
My wife’s employment prospects grew
despite the consternation wrought
by reaching out to Chik-fil-A
and other prospects crudely sought.
So now I’ll leave behind my guards,
my silver pens and SUV.
Another waits to take the reins;
by all accounts, much worse than me.
by Julia Griffin
“It is a moment of birth that has previously proved elusive, but astronomers say they now have the first confirmed image of the formation of a planet. The startling snapshot shows a bright blob—the nascent planet—travelling through the dust and gas surrounding a young star, known as PDS70, thought to be about 370 light years from Earth.” — The Guardian
NOVA NEWS: July the 2nd,
To the lovely PDS
In Centaurus (widely reckoned
Quite the constellar address),
Healthy baby, bright and massy,
Credit to his beaming Ma;
Vigorous, if somewhat gassy,
As the best of infants are.
Noting how his growth progresses,
Gossips in the Moon Review
Intimate that Baby S is
Known to friends as PDQ;
Anyway, the comet chorus
And the telescope cartel
Back the newsflash from Centaurus:
Star and Planet Doing Well.
by Chris O’Carroll
Liberty-flibberty,
Hemings and Jefferson
Made an arrangement in
Black, white, and gray.
Master/slave congress proved
Philoprogenitive.
Also consensual?
Harder to say.
by Daniel Galef
Oyez, Rise! Oyez, Rise!
Anthony Kennedy,
Reagan appointee who
Sometimes swung blue,
Fought for gay rights, now (un-
Jurisprudentially)
Ceding his swing vote—and
Whom even to?
