by Stephen Urquhart Bell

“The best mattresses in 2025: sleep better with our seven rigorously tested picks”
—The Guardian

Oh, to be a mattress tester!
Perfect for a slob—
I couldn’t ever get the boot
For sleeping on the job.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Kansas game wardens share photo of very rare albino fawn”
—ksnt.com

Magical miracle,
all of humanity
goggles in awe when the
universe spawns

perfect albinism
ontogenetically;
everyone fawns over
lily-white fawns.

by Steven Kent

“US Catholic school fires teacher after husband’s obituary reveals his marriage to a man…
[A] parent—whose identity was shielded and whom the teacher presumed to be ‘disgruntled’—
reported discovering his being mentioned in [the] obituary…”
—The Guardian

The diocese of NOLA hopes to dodge a second scandal,
Though God knows this kerfuffle to the first can’t hold a candle:
Two hundred mil (and counting) for protecting pedo fathers,
Yet one gay teacher makes the list of John Doe’s biggest bothers?

by Janice D. Soderling

(With apologies to Patrick Henry)

I know not what course
Others may take.
But as for me,
Give me liberty
Or a tax break.

by Clyde Always

“South Carolina state troopers chase wild pig that halted traffic on busy interstate”
—New York Post

Higgledy-piggledy,
South Carolinian,
nearly outrunning a
couple of cops,

stoutly resisted and
hyperaggressively
oinked as the officers
busted his chops.

by Bruce Bennett

Musk and Trump. Trump and Musk.
Fighting now from dawn to dusk.
Who will win? Who will lose?
A plague on both! It’s hard to choose.

by Thomas Germana

“We were actually governed by complete morons.”
—J.D. Vance, at the American Compass Fifth Anniversary Gala

It really is a joy to see
Such unembellished honesty.
I think that Vance has raised the bar—
Oh wait, he said we “were,” not “are.”

by Marshall Begel

“DeSantis signs bill recognizing gold, silver coins as legal tender in Florida”
—NBC

We passed these monetary laws
here in the Sunshine State
to safeguard people’s wealth because
it soon will be too late.

When US treasuries go bust
and credit’s a nonstarter,
those precious metals in our trust
will set us up to barter.

by Alex Steelsmith

“North Dakota promises flush toilets at historic sites… replacing pit toilets…”
—The Associated Press

Happily, snappily,
students of history
thank North Dakota for
upgrading its

antediluvian
toilet facilities.
Primitive outhouses?
Those were the pits.

by Steven Kent

“Ryan Reynolds has pitched an ‘R-rated’ Star Wars. What would that look like?”
—The Guardian

Imagine Leia giving in
To Jabba: gross, unclean!
Where does he end and she begin?
(He’s fat as Tatooine.)

For such a scene there’s no excuse;
Her Alderaan identity
Demands that Disney not produce
This Hutterite obscenity.

by Dan Campion

“Joni Ernst Tries to Go MAGA”
—The New York Times

Poor Joni gave tough talk a try
But is no Trump or Corleone.
Her “Well, we all are going to die”
Came off as schoolmarm, not Roy Cohn.

Alas, she made things ten times worse
By dissing the tooth fairy, whom
Her tone gave hints might place a curse
On every town hall heckler’s tomb.

Old Roman officers, at court,
Were honored with a laurel wreath.
Our fallen age sees Joni sport
A necklace strung with lost milk teeth.

by Stephen Gold

“Trump bars Elon Musk’s preferred candidate from becoming head of NASA.”
—The Times

A spaceman has been thwarted,
His future’s looking grim.
The mission’s been aborted,
And there’s no space for him.

An alien has landed
To terrorize D.C.
And loftily commanded,
“LET ONE STAR SHINE HERE!! ME!!”

by Timothy Steele

(After Emma Lazarus, with some of her words)

Matron of Exiles, by the golden door,
Our Lady welcomes still the tired and poor.
But agents of the government now track
The refugee and turn the migrant back
While, in DC, a brazen giant stands
And holds aloft a sand wedge, and commands,
“Bring me those skilled in treachery and stealth,
Your crypto barons yearning after wealth.”

by Julia Griffin

“Trump lashes out over viral TACO meme.”
—ABC News

Quit, little man, your crazy rambling,
Undermining, risking wars:
Everyone’s aware you’re gambling
Safety (ours) for profit (yours),
Adding daily dodgy profit;
Debt’s for all non-billionaires.
Increase benefits? Come off it!
Look beyond your stocks and shares.
Lively times for inside trade;
Attorneys wait. But they’re afraid.

Teaching: crushed with open, hidden,
Or pre-emptive censorship;
Research: finds itself forbidden:
Trounce the Ivies! Wield the whip!
Ignorance makes expertise
Leave its posts, and grabs them too;
Learning shrinks to your decrees
Alone. God help us! (God’s not you.)

Give for all true allies and for
Us some hope of acts not dumb –
A handshake we won’t ask a land for.
Clue us in on what’s to come
About Ukraine! No good, I fear.
Melania—is she still here,
Outsourcing effort every way,
Looting the job (her words come dear),
Escaping work that does not pay?

Spite against any who’ve objected;
Anger at any who oppose;
Lying (an art you’ve long perfected):
Same skill-set, never altered, shows
Again. Meanwhile, the whole world knows:

Trumpists cut healthcare, aid, and schooling:
All can be sick, or dumb, or dead.
Clear as the next Pam Bondi ruling,
Out go our rights. Now watch this spread.

by Iris Herriot

“Emmanuel Macron says video of wife pushing him shows them ‘joking around’.”
—The Guardian

That was no “pushing” from Brigitte:
We joked around; she chanced to clutch me.
Voilà l’amour, so bittersweet!
At least my wife can bear to touch me.