by Jerome Betts

“Boris Johnson has already won” the Tory leadership contest.
— The ConservativeHome website

If the buffoon’s balloon really flies
With results at once comic and sinister,
Blessed by Trump of the ten thousand lies,
Should his title be changed? Sub-Prime Minister?

by Dan Campion

Whoever leaked Sir Kim Darroch’s comments on Donald Trump should be “run down, caught and eviscerated.” — Boris Johnson

Sir Kim Darroch is out, poor sod.
Such mundane fates befall us.
But, Boris! Here’s an angry god
Who craves his William Wallace.

by Julia Griffin

“In an extraordinary letter, [Marc Veyrat, chef of La Maison des Bois] railed against his demotion [by Michelin Guide inspectors] … . ‘I have been depressed for six months. How dare you take the health of your chefs hostage? … [The inspectors] dared to say that we put cheddar in our soufflé of reblochon, beaufort and tomme! They have insulted our region; my employees were furious. When we have eggs from our chickens, milk from our cows, and two botanists collect our plants every morning!’

Eating at La Maison des Bois … is described on Veyrat’s website as ‘a veritable pastoral and
mineral symphony in which nature’s bounty is displayed in each and every dish.'”
— The Guardian

They dared to say there’s cheddar in our soufflé!
Our soufflé, coaxed from tomme and reblochon
On which, for sheer douceur, the fragrant hoof lay
Of one whose coat I’ve personally shone!

The miserable frauds detected cheddar!
And yet they flaunt themselves as critics still!
They hoped to put my feelings through a shredder:
Are they content that I’m depressed and ill,

And all this region wounded and offended
By imbeciles deserving to be sued?
My restaurant should not have condescended
To offer such a symphony of food,

Such hymns to Nature, bountiful and tuneful—
Like prawns in pine sap, served on bits of shed—
To those more aptly serviced with a spoonful
Of fat-free processed mild Velveeta spread.

by Cody Walker

Options

Bumpety-Trumpety
Kirsten E. Gillibrand?
Amy J. Klobuchar?
Beto O’Rourke?

Maybe co-presidents:
Bernie-slash-Kamala.
Feels like I’m missing one.
Liz! That’ll work.

Joe, Your Bus Is Waiting

Bideny-Wideny
Senator Kamala
Harris is smiling—so
Nothing to fear.

Pleasantly saying you’re
Not quite a racist, she
Prosecutori’ly
Ends your career.

by Nora Jay

“Hong Kong marks anniversary of Chinese rule with protests“
—Deutsche Welle

Carrie was a little Lam:
They loved her in Beijing,
And anywhere that Jinping went,
He led her on a string.

Extradition was his wish,
So Carrie did her best,
Bleating her commitment to
The public interest.

But the people of Hong Kong
All stamped and chanted, “No!”
To the slaughter in Beijing
They did not wish to go.

Extradition’s now on hold
(No one thinks it’s gone);
In Βeijing they bide their time,
Keep calm and Carrie on.

by Julia Griffin

“I had a teardrop that floated in front of me”
—Astronaut speaking to The Washington Post

I had a teardrop that floated in front of me:
Dear little bauble that sparkled with hope.
“Crystal,” I called her, and gladly I followed her,
Charmed like a child with a bubble of soap.

Sadly this morning I learned the true cost of this:
Here in Deep Space it’s as cold as you please,
And, since there isn’t a smidgen of gravity,
Now I’m behind the results of a sneeze.

by Brian Allgar

My tanks make the day, though it rains and it rains,
But where is my fly-by? I’m very distressed;
I said there should be Revolutionary planes,
But them DoD traitors turned down my request.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Find out when Live Women’s Ashes is on TV”
—Radio Times

O tennis is turgid and baseball’s a bore—
Those tedious catches and smashes;
There’s one sport alone has me thrilled to the core,
And that is the Live Women’s Ashes.

O Novak’s no Djoker and Freeman’s no fool:
Their victories nobody hinders;
But—call me a zombie or call me a ghoul—
I’ll only watch Women’s Live Cinders.

So whack all you want to, or go take a dive
(I’m no more enthused about swimmin’):
Until you are truly extinct (while alive),
I’ll stick to my Live Ashen Women.

by Julia Griffin

“‘I look forward to thinking about all forms of poetry,’ [Alice Oswald, the new Oxford Professor of Poetry] said, ‘but particularly the fugitive airborne forms.'”
—The Guardian

What are these Fugitive Airborne Forms
Abseiling along our coasts?
Elusive portents of versing storms,
Or lyrically truant ghosts?

Earthbound Forms might splutter and frown:
The epic, the cold pastiche;
Our FAFs simply won’t come down;
They’re light, and they’re off the leash.

But Alice now rules the Versiverse
(That’s Oxford, turned right side out);
Those Forms are in for a grounding—worse,
They’re going to be thought about.

by Bruce Bennett

“Last year, famed Republican economist Art Laffer co-authored a hagiographic tribute to President Trump and his agenda. … Laffer accordingly will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom today.”
—New York Magazine

Let’s give a cheer for Laffer
and for his famous curve.
He got the Highest Medal
from those he chose to serve.

He drew it on a napkin,
and rocketed to fame.
While billionaires applauded,
he cashed in on his name.

He praised our brilliant Leader
and now has him to thank
for singling out the squiggle
that helped some break the bank.

His history is spotted.
His theory isn’t true.
It doesn’t work in practice,
but what’s a man to do?

Though Trickle Down’s a phantom,
Supply Side is a fraud,
why not accept the kudos
while billionaires applaud?

Why not exult in Honors
one may not quite deserve?
Let’s hear it now for Laffer
who threw that famous curve!

by Michael Calvert

“We’re trying to redesign the entire end-of-life experience.”
— Sandy Gibson, CEO of Better Place, which sells people the right to have their cremated remains mixed with fertilizer and fed to a tree.

I think that I shall never find
An end of life that’s redesigned

As well (or quite as profitably)
As feeding dead folks to a tree.

So, once your final dirge is sung,
We mix you with a bit of dung,

Then take you to a tree we’ve found
And scatter you upon the ground,

Where your remaining nutrients
Can have a new experience.

Since death’s the common lot of man,
That’s what I call a business plan!

by Dan Campion

“Iran made a very big mistake!“
—The President of the United States

We all are guilty of mistakes.
Perhaps you’ve made a few,
Like hitting gas instead of brakes,
Denying what is true,

Or diddling a trusting crowd.
To every mortal man
Some sorry pratfalls are allowed.
So, peace be to Iran.

by Julia Griffin

“Real-Life Truffula Tree Said To Have Inspired ‘The Lorax’ by Dr. Seuss Falls”
— HuffPost

The very first Truffula Tree, so they say,
Has fallen this week in La Jolla, CA.

The very first Truffula! Why did it fall?
And why had the public heard nothing at all
Of this very important symbolical tree?
Try asking the Lorax or Once-ler, not me.

Yet this much I know: as the news travels on,
We’ll hear a salute from a smogged Swomee Swan,
And a hail from a Humming Fish—both in cahoots
With that Seussian troubadour, Light’s Bar-b[ar]a Loots. *

* Though Barbara Loots’s last name actually rhymes with “boats,” we couldn’t resist this one. — The Editors

by Chris O’Carroll

All that talk about collusion
Is just fake news and mass delusion.
The one that helped me win was me.
But if some foreign entity
Pops up to offer dirt next year,
They might have stuff I want to hear.
So I didn’t do it, but it’s no crime,
And of course I’ll do it again next time.

by Barbara Loots

“The Show-Me state is set to be the first in the country to fully legalize funeral ceremonies previously reserved for Vikings, some Native American tribes and Jedi knights.”
— The Kansas City Star

The Statehouse in the Show-Me State
is busy with decisions.
Failing bridges? Budgets? Floods?
New ethical revisions?
The cost of education? Nah.
But let’s make sure we’re free
to torch our moms and dads outdoors.
We’ll be the first! Whoopee!