by Edmund Conti

Of all the claims I’ve heard,
This one doesn’t thrill me:
“I didn’t do my homework.
My teacher’s gonna kill me.”

by Julia Griffin

“The National Rifle Association (NRA) deleted a tweet [from a gun maker] on Wednesday evening… . [It] featured a heart-shaped pillow with two guns resting on it. The caption read: ‘Give your significant other something they’ll appreciate this Valentine’s Day.'”—Business Insider, February 15, 2018

Red roses and pussy willow:
Think that will impress your date?
Two guns on a heart-shaped pillow:
Now that she’ll appreciate!

No-hopers and hogs give candy;
Bad hombres and drunks give wine;
Old Grandaddy types give shandy,
Or bunches of columbine;

Bouquets might have pleased her mother—
Chicks now want a bullet spray;
So give your significant other
An AK-9 Valentine’s Day!

by David Hedges

The military’s newest branch
Is seeking lovely young recruits.
Fox News predicts an avalanche
Of femmes with stunning attributes.

The President himself will choose
The candidates who score the best
In lengthy private interviews.
Then those who pass the swimsuit test

Will train at Mar-a-Lago’s gym
To march in lockstep, two by two,
And sing the U.S.C.S. Hymn,
“Red Lips, White Skin, and Eyes of Blue.”

by Bob McKenty

Intensely, like a seasoned pro,
The mogul skier braves the snow—
Attacks the washboard, potholed slope
That jars her body. Still, she’ll cope.
Another record is effaced!
(Next year she’ll have her knees replaced.)

by Orel Protopopescu

Mick Mulvaney makes it plain he
runs a bureau he abhors.
Got the goods on payday lenders?
Watch your fingers! Mick slams doors!

He’s so “humble,” people mumble
prayers when Mick takes out his knife.
Did the sharks eat all your money?
Mick the Knife says, Get a life.

And should Kelly do a belly
flop, who’s waiting in the wings?
Rumors fly that Trump is eyeing
Tricky Mick for better things.

by Mae Scanlan

Pruitt got a special favor:
He obtained a written waiver
So that he could fly first class,
Costing us big bucks. What brass!
How presumptuous—Great Scott!
But “great” is what this Scott is not.

by Bob McKenty

A stark fashion clash is
this Valentine’s Day.
Don sackcloth and ashes—
or sheer lingerie?

by David Hedges

If Macron and Putin can swagger their stuff
And even the Rocket Man gets his parade,
Why can’t little Donnie play Billy Goat Gruff?
In terms of pure bluster, he’s equally tough
And wants the whole world to be fricking afraid.

He needs to pump up his deflated libido
To show humankind that his button is bigger.
He hopes he can rise above cries of “Stupido!”
By making debasement the crux of his credo
And gagging the people who giggle and snigger.

by Ian Graham

“Most analysts believe the market tumble was prompted by a report on the US job market, released on Friday, which showed strong wage growth. But the decision to sell on that news may have been made by robot traders.”— BBC

“Watch out for ‘killer robots,’ UC Berkeley professor warns in video.”—Mercury News

How’s life, zero-one-one-zero-one-zero?
I wish you a pleasant day’s trading.

Hi there, one-zero-one-zero, my hero.
I wish you the same. Happy raiding.

Wages are growing for humans. How sad.

It isn’t just sad. For the markets, it’s bad.

We’re off. May the best robot win. Keep our pact.
Ensure that no humans get in on the act.

Humans? All wasters and failed nincompoops.
If they try to get smart, we’ll just send in the troops.

by Bob McKenty

Oh, ecstasy! The team that we support
Fulfills a fan’s most passionate desires,
Ascending to the apex of its sport.
Let’s overturn some cars and set some fires!

by Julia Griffin

“After the uproar when an ’emotional support peacock’ was banned from an [airplane], United Airlines has released a list of banned animals. The list includes hedgehogs, ferrets, insects, rodents, snakes, spiders, reptiles and ‘non-household birds.'”—The Telegraph 

Long has the mobile public fought
Its scorn-belabored corner
For the emotional support
Supplied by other fauna.

It is not rabbit, dog, or cat
Alone that reassure us:
Help comes from hedgehog, vampire bat,
Baboon, and stegosaurus.

The benefits of this are big:
We know that now, so please,
Permit my ESP (that’s Pig)
His ESFs (that’s Fleas).

by Chris O’Carroll

Failure to applaud the leader’s speeches?
Obviously treason.
Free press? The people’s enemy.
Democracy? So out of season.

by Bruce Bennett

“… Thomas was then taken to the Wellington Bird
Rehabilitation Trust in 2013 as his health deteriorated.
The trust said: ‘As well as making other blind bird
friends to spend his days with Thomas helped foster
a couple of broods of cygnets along the way… He
lived for corn on the cob and if it wasn’t there when
we put him back into his house at night, he was not
happy.’ Thomas will be buried next to Henry at the
place they called home following a public ceremony
later this month. The organisation, which looks after
up to 400 birds a year, said Thomas proved there was
‘life after sight’ for elderly fowl.” —metro.co.uk

There’s “life after sight”
for elderly fowl.
It seems just and right
there’s “life after sight.”
It’s not endless night.
Don’t throw in the towel.
There’s “life after sight”
for elderly fowl.

There’s corn on the cob.
You even have sex.
No reason to sob.
There’s corn on the cob.
And you have a job—
though you’ve lost your ex.
There’s corn on the cob.
You even have sex!

There’s hope after all,
so, Thomas, three cheers!
Though age can appall,
there’s hope after all.
Your gift is not small.
We’ll live on for years.
There’s hope for us all.
So, Thomas, three cheers!

by Orel Protopopescu

“The House Intelligence Committee is planning to build a wall between Republican and Democratic Staff”—pbs.org

A wall’s going up
to make double sure
that a border, besieged,
may be safe and secure.

Well behind it, young aides
will toss truth in the dump
of Republican rule
to preserve, protect Trump.

Party honor forbids
an intelligent ray
shed its light on the troops
of the One they obey.

by Chris O’Carroll

Cranky, fat blond tries a victory lap,
Keeps slipping in piles of his first year’s crap.