by Julia Griffin

“French prisoner escapes in fellow inmate’s bag, officials say”
—BBC

Behind the bars this week they brag;
In front, they’re taking flak:
The inmates had it in the bag;
Some guard should get the sack.

by Steven Kent

“‘What should be taught in schools?’: The infamous ‘Scopes monkey trial’ turns 100”
—The Guardian

The fight was never human/ape/whatever,
But cut right to the chase of our democracy:
Are Church and State aligned? Is law the lever
By which the zealots push us toward theocracy?

Our Founders spelled it out with great precision:
Belief (or lack) free-chosen, not draconian,
Yet some now preach a very different vision,
Which sadly looks a lot less Jeffersonian.

by Marshall Begel

“Judge’s ruling means Charlottesville has no zoning laws whatsoever right now”
—Charlottesville Tomorrow

My nuclear reactor runs this Bitcoin math routine.
I advertise my poker games by robocall machine.
My bathtub liquor’s crafted for the most discerning taste.
I’m renting out my yard for storing tanks of toxic waste.
My kids are selling pandas from experimental cloning.
Some dreams are only possible with unrestricted zoning.

by Stephen Gold

“Prime Minister supports girl punished for [wearing] Union Jack dress on diversity day.”
—The Times

Hip, hip hooray!
It’s Diversity Day,
When we celebrate cultures
From far, far away.
Bring your saris, ganduras, kimonos and kwas.
Dress to impress us, kids! Show us pizzazz!

What will you wear?
Choose your costume with care,
To ensure the best possible fit.
Pick a tribe little-known.
No! You can’t pick your own!
It’s unfitting to flag you’re a Brit.

by Harrison Glaze

“Cowbird mothers abandon their eggs in the nests of the other bird species, but the chicks
somehow manage to find their flock and learn what they really are.”
—The New York Times

Though I am large and brown,
My parents were canaries;
Once I outgrew my down
My lot seemed solitary
Till a bird from out of town
Said, “You’re a cowbird, Harry.”

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Is buying with friends the answer to a tough housing market?”
—BBC

As long as everybody pulls their weight,
And no one shirks the cooking or the cleaning,
Or always leaves the front door on the latch,
Or clatters home at 3 a.m. still steaming,

Or borrows things and has to be reminded,
Or snores all night, or doesn’t wash their clothes
As often as they should, “To save the oceans,”
And tells you while they’re looking down their nose,

Or slopes around au naturel, or has
A very noisy love life, or possesses
Some strange ideas regarding hygiene, and
Insists we all have self-ablutive tresses,

Or plays the drums or saxophone or bagpipes,
Or has a thing for quoting Captain Kirk,
Or any of a million pesky foibles,
Then, damn it all, I think it just might work!

by Paul Lander

Jersey is so wet,
it’s more underwater than
a Trump casino.

by Steven Kent

“Wife of [Texas Attorney General] Ken Paxton Files for Divorce, Citing ‘Recent Discoveries'”
—The New York Times

Though she said her goodbyes over cheating and lies,
Mrs. Paxton is mutedly critical.
Mr. P blames divorce on opponents, of course,
And attacks he condemns as “political.”

Such a scandal-soaked dude, he’s both lucky and shrewd,
Of deception a natural expenitor.
Having learned to shift blame and to shun any shame,
He’s a shoo-in for GOP senator.

by Alex Steelsmith

“[C]ow’s milk may actually be better for you [than oat milk]… Whey protein [which is not found in oat milk]
contains branched-chain amino acids, which are beneficial for muscle growth and recovery.”
—Verywellhealth.com

Higgledy-swiggledy,
cow’s milk enthusiasts
offered alternatives
tend to convey

utter antipathy,
stereotypically
venting objections by
blurting, “No whey!”

by Clyde Always

“A man with ‘boobs’ due to a rare condition is raising funds to have them removed
because he is too [self-]conscious to take his top off on dates.”
—New York Post

Droopity-scoopity,
Thabo of Nottingham
needs a procedure but,
sadly, he’s short.

Give, if you’re able. This
gynecomastia
sufferer surely could
use some support.

by Matt Schatz

“Cole’s French Dip, the oldest restaurant and saloon in Los Angeles, is slated to close its doors Aug. 3.”
—Los Angeles Times

When we think of French dip goals,
We think of jus in little bowls.
And that is what they do at Cole’s.

Philippe, I think it must be said,
Pre-dips delicious drippy bread,
And serves their sandwich soaked instead.

But now we dip Cole’s down to sleep;
We pray the Lord its bowl will keep.
I’m grateful we still have Philippe.

by Dan Campion

“‘It’s just a weird, weird bird’: Why we got the dodo so absurdly wrong”
—BBC

Sometimes a headline fairly screams,
My fellow Sams and Frodos.
We got the dodo wrong, it seems,
Because we are the dodos.

by Steven Kent

“Trump-voting family stunned after Canadian mother detained over immigration status”
—The Guardian

I count myself among the MAGA base
And Trump got my support in last year’s race.
I’m backing ICE detentions everyplace:
Deport illegals, never show them grace.
My wife’s now disappeared without a trace—
The leopards weren’t supposed to eat my face!

by Julia Griffin

For Jenny

“State Department enacts widespread layoffs, cutting 1,353 staff as part of reorganization”
—CBS

The State Department has this week been sawed,
A move we’re sure the nation will applaud:
The place is so suspicious
And besides, so repetitious,
And there’s nothing really going on abroad.

Unpatriotic bureaus are the worst!
You’ll see that Biden-bloated bubble burst;
When the joint’s all run by yes-men
With the empathy of chessmen,
That’s when you’ll know America Is First.

by Thomas Germana

“As Americans flock to the country’s coasts—and to the lakes and rivers in between—in the heat of summer,
they may be doing so despite the presence of fecal matter. A stark 1,930 out of 3,187 beaches sampled across the nation
in 2024 experienced at least one day on which indicators of fecal contamination exceeded federal safety levels…”
—The Hill

The moment Summer rolls around
At last, my ass is coastal-bound.
They found some feces, yeah, I know—
It’s still my favorite place to go.