by Steven Kent
“Morrissey cancels two US shows over ‘credible threat’ on his life”
—The Guardian
There comes a day when fame by time is bested
And erstwhile idols cannot get arrested.
But that’s what bad PR is for, you see—
Without it, who would think of Morrissey?
by Dan Campion
“New dinosaur discovered in Argentina with a crocodile leg in its jaws: ‘More than one way to be a top predator’”
—CBS
Before the gauchos, and our jaws,
The megaraptors raked their claws
Across the pampas and high plains
For tasty bits of legs and brains.
A meteor then fell, we think,
Which spelled the end of meat and drink
For Joaquinraptor and his ilk.
Let’s go with rice and beans and milk.
by Marshall Begel
“Cruise Ship Passenger With $16,000 Gambling Debt Jumps Overboard”
—The New York Times
Don’t judge this debtholder
unsympathetically,
given that workable
choices were stark:
either his requisite
pound of flesh went to a
neighborhood loan shark or
literal shark.
by Jerome Betts
“ICE crackdowns intensify across Boston as sanctuary cities face Trump’s latest operation”
—The Associated Press
French lady with the flaming torch
Before the USA’s front porch,
How many weeks till DJT
Deports you back across the sea?
by Thomas Germana
“President Trump announced Wednesday that he will designate antifa as a terrorist organization,
and is recommending investigations into people who allegedly fund it. … Antifa—short for anti-fascist—
is a loose affiliation of mostly left-leaning activists, and generally is not considered to be a highly
organized group.”
—CBS
To all you SICK ANTIFA THUGS,
You better hide your UGLY MUGS.
You’re DONE! Now RUN! We’ll HUNT your kind
Till “FA” is all that’s left behind!
by Marshall Begel
“U.S. influencer who filmed himself wrestling wild crocodiles in Australia is under investigation:
‘Dangerous and illegal’”
—CBS
Should crocodile-stalking YouTube stars
be collared, tried, and sentenced behind bars?
I’d prefer the laissez-faire solution.
Since 80 million years of evolution
have set the roles of predator and prey,
some problems, if ignored, just go away.
by Stephen Gold
“Scottish parliament scraps legal verdict of ‘not proven’”
—The Guardian
Not proven’s a verdict, ye ken,
That’s saved criminals yers in the pen.
Which is why people sneer
That its meaning is clear:
Not guilty—don’t do it again!
by Thomas Germana
“‘Fox and Friends’ co-host Brian Kilmeade floated a stunning suggestion on the show this week
for dealing with homeless people who refuse to get help for mental health issues. Kilmeade’s idea? Kill them.”
—Penn Live
“It’s not fascism, it’s not the Gestapo taking out a late-night host for what he said.
It’s old-fashioned accountability.”
—Brian Kilmeade on Jimmy Kimmel’s suspension by ABC
Do not be cruel to those who died;
It’s never ever justified.
Instead, be kind and always show
Respect for them. The living, though…
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Mystery package posted to island where only feral cows live”
—BBC
Swona’s cows, it appears, want to wear
Women’s trainers and ordered a pair
Of size fives: fact allows
No alternative—cows
Are the only inhabitants there!
by Dan Campion
“Robert Redford, Screen Idol Turned Director and Activist, Dies at 89”
—The New York Times
Yes, handsome. Hawthorne might have said
Too handsome for this world.
Yet, eighty-nine years! Accolade
On accolade! Hair curled
Just so, swept, really, like a hint.
That smile. That Sundance hat.
Those candid eyes of oceans’ tint.
Roy Hobbs’s glove and bat.
An idol of the marketplace,
Totemic, in his prime,
Of course, he had a classic face.
But faces yield to time.
So Robert crafted subtler plays
For beauty to succeed,
And they survive beyond his days,
Friends to a world in need.
by Paul Lander
“Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found chimpanzees eating fermented fruit
in their native habitats consume the equivalent of nearly two alcoholic drinks per day.”
—UPI
Gulp, two drinks a day.
Banana daiquiris—duh.
Cheers! I’ll drink to that.
by Thomas Germana
“Trump branded ‘senile’ after claiming he’d just visited continent 6,250 miles away”
—Irish Star
They say that he’s losing his mind.
However, I’d like to remind
The folks on the news
That no one can lose
What no one is able to find.
by Steven Kent
“Doorbell prankster that tormented residents of German apartments turns out to be a slug…
[Police] found animal crawling on the door panel”
—The Guardian
At Ding Dong Ditch he’s bad, bad, bad:
He rings but never runs like mad,
And by his telltale trail of slime
His victims find him every time.
The other slugs have all agreed
That Freeze Tag’s really more his speed.
by Marshall Begel
“Oregon man won ‘$5K a week forever’ in 2012, spent cash like he was set for life—
but Publishers Clearing House went bankrupt. Now he might lose home”
—Moneywise
An income guaranteed for life can open many doors,
from purchasing your dream house to exploring distant shores.
But be aware of nuances that contract law ignores:
while payments stop at end-of-life, you can’t assume it’s yours.
by Stephen Gold
“Two family doctor surgeries are closing their doors every week”
—The Times
Are you feeling unwell?
Do you have a foul smell?
Are there gallons of sweat on your brow?
Here’s the thing you should know:
There is nowhere to go.
The doctor won’t see you now.
In our wondrous G.B.,
We are treated for free.
It’s a model we’re proud of, and how.
But it’s perfectly clear
That the end times are near.
The doctor won’t see us now.
In these troublesome days,
What can cure this malaise?
It’s an arduous furrow to plough.
When the docs have all fled,
We should simply drop dead,
Then no one need see us now.