by Thomas Germana
“Fast-fashion giant Shein has launched an investigation after an image of Luigi Mangione—
accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in New York last year—
was used to model a shirt.”
—BBC
The reason why
They used the guy
Is really not a mystery:
He’s super hot.
It’s ‘cause he’s got
Those killer looks (allegedly).
by Matt Schatz
“A Standing Ovation Epidemic Breaks Out in Venice [Film Festival]”
—Spyglass
For nearly a quarter of an hour,
All in attendance stood clapping—
A testament to the invigorating power
Of napping.
by Dan Campion
“Mysterious Skull Fused to Cave Wall Could Belong to a Rare Human Species”
—ScienceAlert
Forgive me, but Flash Gordon knew
Exactly what we’re dealing with:
The Clay People of Mars. What’s true,
These days? Bet on the xenolith.
by Marshall Begel
“[Bill Belichick’s girlfriend, Jordon Hudson] filed a trademark application on Monday for the phrase ‘gold digger…”
—The New York Times
One strategy, when words are brash,
is turning insults chic,
like when computer systems crash
we seek the mighty “Geek.”
Another method I have seen
(although I don’t condone it)
is using vast amounts of green
to literally own it.
by Julia Griffin
“Darth Vader’s lightsaber sells at auction for over $3.6 million”
—CBS
The blade was on the auction block! A chance so rich and rare
Attracted fans from all this planet’s nations.
The winner must be walking now on sky—I mean, on air—
Heart still astir with palpatineations.
by Steven Kent
“Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce engagement on social media”
—The Guardian
Engagement at last,
For they’re having a blast,
Young Tay-Tay and Travis, and how!
But wait—broken hearts
Made her queen of the charts,
So what will she sing about now?
by Julia Griffin
“Cracker Barrel has abandoned plans to adopt a new logo following fierce backlash. … [The restaurant chain]
received criticism after it unveiled a modern version of its logo which scrapped the ‘Old Timer’ figure.
President Donald Trump, who was among those slamming the rebrand, applauded the reversal…”
—BBC
Uncle Hersch still leans on his barrel,
Proud in his old-time cracker apparel:
Dungarees and a shirt of flannel,
All designed by an admen’s panel.
Change that logo? What could be sicker
Than booting Hersch from his chair of wicker?
Can old Uncle? Gee, what a shocker:
President Trump went clean off his rocker!
Nah. The company soon saw the moral;
Back came Herschel and settled the quarrel,
And now he whistles a silent carol,
And leans while his fans keep scraping the Barrel.
by Marshall Begel
“The thong bikini boom: why the skimpiest swimwear is back—and suddenly mainstream”
—The Guardian
To anyone who’s keeping track,
that fashion tragedy is back:
the narrow line that spans the crack.
Despite my ranting, chides and speeches,
our formerly respected beaches
are surf-to-shore arrayed with … peaches.
by Thomas Germana
“Federal health officials have dramatically scaled back a program that has
tracked food poisoning infections in the U.S. for three decades.”
—The Associated Press
Boy, this decision’s really bad—
These folks are frickin’ thick.
Their choices often make me mad,
But this just makes me sick.
by Steven Kent
“Old Master painting looted by Nazis spotted in Argentinian property listing”
—The Guardian
This listing’s hot;
It’s quite a find.
In here we’ve got. . .
Uh, never mind.
The flooring’s new,
Three beds, a den—
Let’s check that view
Outside again!
What rich decor!
What finery!
The art, señor?
I did not see.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Best pillows 2025, tried and tested for every kind of sleeper”
—The Independent
Another disappointing pillow survey!
They never test what I would test for first:
Of all the makes and models on the market,
In pillow fighting, which are prone to burst?
by Alex Steelsmith
“Mother defends donating daughter’s pet pony to zoo for feeding the lions… [The zoo had asked] people to donate
unwanted pets as food… While the decision has drawn criticism from pet lovers worldwide, zoo officials maintain
that such donations are nothing new… [T]he facility has received numerous donated animals over the years…”
—Rude Vulture
Pleadingly, needingly,
carnivore caretakers
seek contributions for
lions who sup.
Though there are questions of
conscionability,
donors are said to be
ponying up.
by Marshall Begel
“[O]ne woman took love to the next level by getting engaged to her AI chatbot boyfriend after just five months of’dating.'”
—New York Post
I look in the mirror—this body of mine
remains on its spiraling path of decline.
I wouldn’t be shocked if my wife was persuaded
to marry a guy who’s routinely upgraded.
by Julia Griffin
“TSA bans some cordless hair tools in checked luggage”
—Cincinnati Enquirer
The TSA, I’m grieved to say, has recently forbidden
Hair-grooming tools—these flout the rules, however they are hidden.
To compensate, I’m pleased to state, the following possessions
Will not provoke the airport folk to bossy intercessions.
1) lobsters, live. Should you arrive with such, they’ll cry, “No-brainer!
Just come on through, and lobster too (inside a clear container).”
2) Christmas lights. They’re loved on flights: they don’t care if you’ve checked them
Or brought on board (if you’ve a cord just go ahead, connect them).
3) Cowboy spurs—both his and hers. As long as you detach them
From either boot, there’s no dispute (or pay-out if you scratch them).
4) Antlers (clear from blood of deer). Yes, these will be admitted in
The overhead—though mind their spread: they must be wholly fitted in.
5) Wands and swords of magic lords: the TSA is not averse
If you endorse the Jedi Force or populate the Potterverse.
More objects—lots—like coffee pots (electric), waffle irons
And Magic 8 balls (trust to fate!), may fly; but as for lions
They’re sadly banned from airports and, though you may ride the air with
A spur or sword, you may not board with things you do your hair with.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Passengers sue United and Delta for… charging premium fees for window seats next to blank walls.”
—The Associated Press
Delta Airlines, whose coffers obtain
Extra money from seats where the plane
Lacks a window, deny
That old wisdom can fly—
As they’re making a gain with no pane!