by Chris O’Carroll
“He said, ‘Make sure you guys don’t cut the tape, make sure the interview is out in full.’ … He said, ‘If it’s not out in full, we’ll sue your ass off.’”
—White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt to CBS staffers
Every blither, every slither,
Every new or vintage lie,
Every grievance, every defense
For the crimes he plans to try,
All his racist, sexist rants,
Rehashed slights that make him whiny—
You had best air every minute
Or he’ll sue your sorry heinie.
by Julia Griffin
“Greenland says red lines [on sovereignty] must be respected as Trump says US will have ‘total’ access to island”
—The Guardian
(With apologies to Blake)
And did some cheat in ancient time
Rob the US of Land that’s Green?
And does that weak, woke NATO squad
Still think their whines are worth one bean?
And did this new crusade of mine
Engulf the news with threats of drills?
And did Jeff Epstein’s name disappear,
With all those dumb, Transparent bills?
I should have had that prize of gold,
Just like Obama’s only higher,
Not secondhand and four months old;
But since you robbed me, feel my ire:
I shall not cease from spouting spite
At Danes who’d block what I demand,
Till we succeed in sluicing them
From Greenland’s should-be ICE-y Land.
by Dan Campion
“[P]eople sometimes ask why our comedy show is all politics now. I would argue that politics is all comedy now. The politics—we didn’t come to them, they came to us.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
The Ouroboros twists around
To swallow its own tail.
Our politics squirm on the ground;
How could they ever fail
To swallow their own rattles? Laugh,
To see the circle close;
But keep in hand a sturdy staff
To rap it on the nose.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“How to pronounce Scotch whiskies like a true Scot”
—The Telegraph
Pronounce them like a true Scot would,
By drinking some and getting stewed.
by Marshall Begel
“Florida GOP candidate pushes a new ‘sin tax’ on OnlyFans creators… singling out OnlyFans creator Sophie Rain in a post promoting the idea.”
—WTF Detective
My friends, if chosen by this state
I promise I will pass
a tax that will eradicate
this deviant morass.
I understand the cyber minx
who peddles wanton vice—
for I’ve consulted countless links
and even watched them twice!
by Thomas Germana
“…[A] group of organizations has launched a Eurocentric social media platform as an alternative to Elon Musk’s X and other US-controlled services. As reported by CyberNews, the site—known as W—is designed around trusted sources, photo-identified users, and European hosting and control. … The two Vs in W reportedly stand for ‘values’ and ‘verified.’”
—PCMag
It looks like Musk is set to lose
A lot of little checks.
I guess this means that W’s
Another L for X.
by Marshall Begel
“Nintendo bans infamous Japanese ‘Adult Only’ Animal Crossing island. Creator says ‘Thanks for turning a blind eye all these years.’”
—Automaton
(With apologies to Ludwig Jacobowski)
Ah, the brilliant days we had
as lusty avatars—
ferocious beasts, ornately clad
for cyber-leather bars.
But now, they’ve sunk our isle of sin:
no orgies in the clover.
Smile because they once had been!
Don’t cry because it’s over!
Our stories now must turn the page
but don’t succumb to worries—
why, people almost twice your age
are joining groups of furries!
by Steven Kent
“Trump Has Another Justification for the Shooting of Renee Good: Disrespect”
—The New York Times
She ran her mouth, she got what she deserved—
Not a biggie.
She tried to turn away, you say? She swerved?
Quiet, piggy!
by Julia Griffin
“Donald Trump welcomed 2026 with a glitzy bash at his Mar-a-Lago club in Palm Beach where he auctioned off a freshly painted portrait of Jesus Christ for $2.75m and said his new year’s resolution was a wish for ‘peace on Earth’. The portrait of Jesus had been painted onstage by artist Vanessa Horabuena who, the president said, was ‘one of the greatest artists anywhere in the world’.”
—The Guardian
Those sharp blue eyes, that ochered shine,
Those tight and baleful lips
Confirm the subject as divine
And spark new donorships.
Behold a relic bargain-priced—
Resist the call who dares:
A hard-faced Mar-a-Lago Christ,
For holy billionaires!
by Chris O’Carroll
“… Carl Sagan said of Mr. von Däniken [author of Chariots of the Gods]: ‘Every time he sees something he can’t understand, he attributes it to extraterrestrial intelligence, and since he understands almost nothing, he sees evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence all over the planet.’”
—The New York Times
Space-cadet fabulist
Erich von Däniken
Milked his delusions for
All they were worth,
Selling his New Age fans
Extraterrestrial
Origin stories for
Science on Earth.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Archaeologists find medieval ‘super ship’ longer than two school buses”
—The Independent
They found it at the bottom of the sea;
That sounds like quite a rubbish ship to me.
by Marshall Begel
“Nearly 13,000 recently issued Irish passports are being recalled… missing the letters ‘IRL.'”
—The New York Times
For wary travelers who fear a
holiday away from Éire,
a typo’s raising ire and
reducing trust in Ireland.
Those public workers must’ve felt sick
on the day they issued Celtic
passports that neglect to tell
the holder hails from IRL.
by Thomas Germana
“An investigation is underway following an armed robbery at a Pokémon shop in Manhattan on Wednesday night. … [T]hree males wearing masks [stole over $100,000 worth of merchandise from] the Poké Court …”
—ABC7NY
The cops are searching far and wide
To find the stolen haul.
They can’t allow these thieves to hide;
They gotta’ catch ‘em all!
by Steven Kent
“Circumcision kits found on sale on Amazon UK as concerns grow over harm to baby boys”
—The Guardian
Problems coming to the fore:
Skin left scarred and so much more.
ER doctors say you’re nuts
Letting laymen make these cuts.
Listen, buddy, get a grip,
Learn a lesson, take a tip:
Should your babe not be a goil,
Never hire a self-taught mohel.
by Dan Campion
“Why Trump doesn’t need to own Greenland to build Golden Dome”
—Politico
No need to read the details, folks.
Our Don’s a Kubla Khan
Whose head’s a wheel of golden spokes;
Our bold Bellerophon
Can build a dome in Xanadu,
Or in Upstate New York,
Or Canada, or Katmandu,
Or Crete, or County Cork.
Why Greenland? it’s your right to ask.
Be careful if you do.
Khan Don has flipped. If called to task,
He’ll flip the bird at you.