by Clyde Always
“NY man offered farmer Wild Turkey bourbon to let him feed girlfriend’s ex to hogs…”
—New York Post
A murderous scoundrel named Jeal,
who gladly would toss as a meal
his foe to some swine,
faces seven to nine
(his accomplices went on to squeal).
by Dan Campion
“Trump ambushes South Africa’s president with false claims of ‘white genocide’”
—NPR
The “Oval Office”? Try “Dry-Gulch,”
Where foreign heads of state
Get waylaid, trust is churned to mulch,
And truth has little weight.
Were I a prince, I wouldn’t go.
Of course the question’s moot.
Each leader now is in the know:
They’re asked to lick a boot.
by Alex Steelsmith
“[A]fter the world’s largest dam removal project… the [Klamath] river is now free flowing…
The dams were built between 1918 and 1962 to provide hydropower, and immediately blocked salmon
from migrating… [T]ens of thousands of salmon died… [But when the dam was removed, they] came back
faster than scientists expected… ‘[W]ithin a month, 6,000 salmon were detected swimming upstream.’”
—Fast Company
Merrily, merrily,
myriad salmonids
swim through the waterway,
no longer crammed
into a reservoir
hydroelectrically
harnessing power where
once they were damned.
by Marshall Begel
“Sarnia woman jailed for biting grocery store security officer”
—The Observer
I have known since I was younger
not to shop in throes of hunger
or I may end up regretting
all the crap I end up getting.
So, before I start to shop
I will remind myself to stop
and take some time to grab a bite,
but now I see it’s impolite
(and it can even get you barred)
if you should take it from a guard.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Japan’s farm minister resigns over rice gaffe, as stubbornly high [rice] prices
threaten government’s grip on power”
—CNN
I failed to ease
The rise in price
For Japanese
Who buy their rice—
And said I own
Enough to sell
(In stockpiles grown
From gifts). I fell
Upon my sword.
No protocol
Can be ignored.
A sushi pol
Whose pas is faux
Could not remain:
My gaffe would go
Against the grain.
by Steven Kent
“Morris the alligator, known for Happy Gilmore and other films, dies around age 80”
—The Guardian
In any cast
He’d never fail,
Yet to the last
He worked for scale.
He’d trust his gut
And dig beneath:
No matter what,
His roles had teeth.
by Steven Kent
“Boy Accidentally Orders 70,000 Lollipops on Amazon. Panic Ensues”
—The New York Times
The credit card goes missing—someone snuck ‘er.
The stash arrives, delivered by a trucker.
The Boy: “Now every day I’ll get a sucker!”
The Mom: “I’m gonna kill that little fellow.”
by Chris O’Carroll
“Germ-theory skeptic RFK Jr. [who is] America’s top health official… shared pictures on social media
of himself fully submerged in the sewage-tinged waters of Rock Creek in Washington, DC.
His grandchildren were also pictured playing in the water.”
—Ars Technica
When nearby sewers spring a leak,
Bacteria invade the creek.
RFK Jr. cries, Let’s swim!
And drags grandchildren in with him.
The healthcare theories he’s embraced
Encourage baths in human waste.
If we could see the visions he sees,
We, too, might splash around in feces.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Major supermarket recalls popular sausage product over safety risk: ‘Could cause harm if consumed.’”
—The Cool Down
Moaningly, groaningly,
something you’ve nibbled on
troubles your gut; peri-
stalsis is stalled.
What have you eaten that’s
un-gastronomical?
Try to remember; it
must be recalled.
by Julia Griffin
“Mohammed, do you sleep at night? How do you sleep?” [Trump] said, addressing the 39-year-old crown
prince, who was seated directly across from him in the audience. … The crowd applauded as Trump said:
“He’s your greatest representative, greatest representative. And if I didn’t like him, I’d get out of here so fast.
You know that, don’t you? He knows me well. I—I like him a lot. I like him too much.”
—CNBC
Mohammed, Mohammed, O how do you sleep?
O how do you sleep so at night?
Ah, Donald, ah, Donald, our friendship’s so deep,
I’ll gift you my secret outright:
There’s lots I don’t think of on laying me down:
Beheadings, behandings galore;
The floggings to death for insulting the Crown;
The blood on an embassy floor;
There’s media silenced, arrests without proofs,
And children found slaughtered in jail,
With nameless intransigents bundled off roofs,
Or tortured for not being male.
I’m telling you, Donald, for brotherhood’s sake,
Delighted you hold me so dear;
Forgetting these things, I do not stay awake;
There’s nothing I can’t disappear.
Mohammed, Mohammed, I like you, I do,
If not, I’d get going so fast!
Ah, Donald, ah, Donald! United, we two
Will jointly outdistance the past.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Man and woman arrested over beach brawl”
—BBC
Vacationing couples are seldom apart,
Which can be a bit of a trial.
It isn’t surprising the smallest of shocks
Can trigger tsunamis of bile.
A day at the seaside to soak up some rays
That doesn’t go strictly as planned,
And one of the two can unwittingly cross
The other one’s line in the sand.
by Kaitlyn Spees
“Whip-smart, unputdownable, lyrical, dazzling, pitch-perfect. Taut, tender, a tour de force. A triumph. Unflinching, stunning, mesmerizing, evocative. You will have seen a book—probably many, many books—with some of these words, what one might call blurbiage… on its cover. Often, these quotes will be just that one word. But the process by which those single words are acquired is a fraught one. So much so that last week, one top editor at a major publisher, Sean Manning at Simon & Schuster, made an unusual and attention-grabbing announcement about them. … Under his leadership, authors won’t be ‘required’ to spend ‘an excessive amount of time’ getting blurbs for their books.”
—Slate
(With apologies to Anne Bradstreet)
Thou short, trite offspring of my busy brain
(Throughout the whole damn industry a bane),
I squeeze thee out for friends less wise than true.
Thou gloat’st from glossy covers in full view
Of critics, readers, publishers, who all
Completely fail to fall beneath thy thrall.
Am I not recognizable enough?
Or is the blurbing genre just too tough?
(The book I blurbed? I can’t say that I know—
I skimmed the first two pages. Found them slow.)
by Bo de Plume
“”Maple Leafs vs. Panthers Game 7 recap: Toronto knocked out of Stanley Cup playoffs after ‘pathetic’ loss””
—Toronto Star
In springtime, fall comes to Toronto.
The playoffs start; the Leafs fall pronto.
by Philip Kitcher
Not to be sung by Julie Andrews
Liberal judges and “their” Constitution,
Do-gooder programs for redistribution,
Legal procedures for clipping my wings,
These are among my least favorite things.
College professors who always disparage,
Wives who have lingered too long in a marriage,
Having to shake off a woman who clings,
These are among my least favorite things.
Nations in Nato that don’t pay their way-ay,
Plans for vaccines made from mRNA-ay,
Freedom of trade and the losses it brings,
These are among my least favorite things.
When the deep state
Blocks my golf date
And I’m feeling sad,
I simply demolish some unfavored things,
And then I don’t feel … so bad.
Critics who carp at my choices of clients,
Scurrilous rubbish that’s passed off as science,
All interference with immigrant stings,
These are among my least favorite things.
Salesmen for Darwin who hoodwink the masses,
Hoaxes created about “greenhouse gases,”
All of the flak when an ex-henchman sings,
These are among my least favorite things.
Discrimination by DEI quotas,
Counting the ballots of non-MAGA voters,
Limits attached to the conduct of kings,
These are among my least favorite things.
When the deep state
Meets its dark fate
I shall not be sad,
For I’ll have demolished all unfavored things,
And then I shall feel … less mad.
by Nora Jay
“Families of victims appalled as Boeing seems likely to avoid prosecution over 737 Max crashes
Trump’s justice department is considering a non-prosecution agreement, through which Boeing
would not need to plead guilty”
—The Guardian
It seems that Boeing’s CEOs
Are off the hook. You can’t suppose
That such distinguished coffer-fillers
Would share the fate of common killers?
The victims’ families may moan,
Or they may not. They’re on their own.
We’ve graver questions to be sorted,
Like which sick babies get deported.