by Steven Kent
“This Christmas, ‘Whamageddon’ Will Save You From Tears…
The goal: To go as long as possible without hearing the 1984
Wham! song ‘Last Christmas’ before Christmas Day.'”
—The New York Times
As teens we chose to be defined
By music. Each and every kind
Had fans who their devotion swore
To certain singers evermore.
The world is very different now,
But frankly I just don’t see how
A love of music brings us cheer
That’s based on songs we didn’t hear.
by Marshall Begel
(With apologies to C. C. Moore)
It’s the week before Christmas and, just like a louse,
I’ve bought presents for no one, not even my spouse.
While there’s overnight shipping, and places to dash,
I’ve decided that this year—they’re all getting cash!
I’ve seen many a gift that I’ve given before
get forgotten, unused in the cutlery drawer.
Or the gadget that’s advertised tough as concrete—
By the time that it’s needed, it’s gone obsolete!
So now kids get a Benjamin, grandkids a Grant,
And a Jackson or two for each uncle and aunt.
There’s no money for children too little to follow it.
Plus, with my luck, they would probably swallow it.
You can keep your soy candles and musical tie,
And return that contraption that claims to air “fry.”
For you know any present that isn’t straight cash
Is just counting the days till it’s tossed in the trash.
by Bruce McGuffin
January 1
So here we are, it’s New Year’s Day,
Another year has gone away.
Let’s all sleep in, have brunch, and then
Go make the same mistakes again.
December 31
So here we are, it’s New Years Eve,
The year is done, it’s time to leave.
Tomorrow we’ll sleep in and then
Go make the same mistakes again.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Authentic” was selected as the 2023 word of the year by the Merriam-Webster dictionary…”
—NPR
“Oxford’s 2023 Word of the Year is ‘rizz.’ Dictionary publisher Oxford University Press defines the viral term,
which is short for charisma, as ‘someone’s ability to attract another person through style, charm, or attractiveness.'”
—People
Every Miss, Mr., Mrs., or Ms.
Is aware that I ain’t got no rizz.
I’m authentic this year,
So I’m feeling no fear,
For my rizzlessness is what it is.
by S. Mary Strand
“Male Mosquitoes May Have Once Sucked Blood, Amber Fossils Suggest…
Female mosquitoes have strong proboscises that can puncture the skin of animals… .
Male mosquitoes, on the other hand, do not—with their weaker mouth anatomy, they only
feed on plant juices. But… researchers report finding two prehistoric male mosquitoes,
trapped in amber, with piercing mouthparts similar to those of modern females.”
—Smithsonian
The hematophagous mosquito that bites us—
bestows itchy welts, spreads disease, and incites us
to fury—is female! The male just slurps nectar.
His more flaccid snout is a feeble collector.
But males trapped in amber reveal in a study
They once enjoyed meals that were equally bloody.
Could drugs turn the clock back? Perhaps like the phallus
The hose would firm up with a dose of Cialis!
by Marshall Begel
“Cosmic radiation during spaceflight could increase risk of erectile dysfunction in astronauts”
—Space.com
Should a man ride NASA’s rockets,
Risking what’s between his pockets?
by Alex Steelsmith
“The so-called ‘Gen Z zoom’ highlights yet another subtle difference between millennials and
the younger generation… the two age groups use the ‘zoom in’ feature on their phones very differently
when recording videos… Plenty of other differences like this have been called out on TikTok…”
—Yahoo! News
Tikkity tokkity,
baffled millennials
look at Gen Z and say,
“Surely we’re doomed!
All their presumptions are
anti-traditional.
Why won’t they do as their
parents pre-zoomed?”
by Dan Campion
“How Nations Are Losing a Global Race to Tackle A.I.’s Harms”
—The New York Times
Whoa, how you mix your metaphors:
“Race . . . Tackle . . . Harms”! Diss me?
You flubbed. Now when Team A.I. scores,
You panic? Take a knee!
by David Galef
When my minions committed a goof,
The coverage went through the roof.
But malfeasance? No proof.
All that evidence? Poof!
To my fans, I’m beyond all reproof.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Long thought to be extinct in Kenya, giant pangolins are now being helped back from the brink”
—The Guardian
Despondently angling for pangolins,
We learn that a few are still here!
So now conservationists dangle ins-
pirational stats, and we cheer.
Strange beauties, so squamous and famous:
All hail to you, keratin kings!
Mankind feels enchantment, the same as
Is sparked when a nightingale sings.
You’re saved from the brink of extinction—
But please, do not rush to relax;
Preserve yourselves clear of that brink: shun
Your fans, and keep watching your backs.
by Matt Schatz
This Hanukkah we’re low on gelt,
And I’m no friend to moneylenders.
I thought of tightening my belt.
Instead, I asked for new suspenders.
by Iris Herriot
“Kangaroo punches police officer in face as it is captured after weekend on the run in Canada…
[The staff sergeant] said the officers contacted the kangaroo’s handlers and grabbed it by the tail,
as instructed.”
—The Guardian
A renegade she-kangaroo,
On the run from a Canada zoo,
Punched the face of a cop
Who, to prompt her to stop,
Grabbed her tail. (I’d have clocked him one too.)
by Marshall Begel
“Tiny crustaceans the size of sand grains sneeze up packets of glowing mucus to impress potential partners.”
—The New York Times
Glimmering, shimmering
Panama’s ostracods
Start mating season with
Luminous snot.
Sparking delight in their
Microanatomy,
Female sea fireflies
Find this quite hot.
Sadly that sentiment
Translates abysmally
When homo sapiens
Likewise equip—
Women will question my
Marriageability,
During my seasonal
Postnasal drip.
by Simon MacCulloch
“The British Museum has solicited the public’s help in finding an estimated 2,000 artifacts
that had been stolen from the institution’s collection over the course of several years.”
—Time
“Rishi Sunak cancelled his meeting with the Greek prime minister after [the minister] told the BBC
on Sunday he wanted… the Elgin Marbles… returned from the British Museum to Greece.”
—BBC
Those insolent Greeks who decry us
Are really insufferably pious
To claim they’re bereft;
When we talked about theft
We clearly meant from us, not by us.
by Paul Lander
Congress dumps Santos.
He’ll use free time to defend
Wimbledon title.