by Steven Kent
“Rats get taste for drugs in Houston evidence room”
—The Guardian
Hey Templeton, you lazy little sot,
In Houston there’s a sight you’ve got to see: a
Warehouse full of confiscated pot
All locked up tight (I’ll bet there’s sinsemilla).
Let’s hop a freight and raid that sticky stash,
Then party till we cannot walk or stand. It’s
Bound to make us famous in a flash:
Two barnyard rats, two crafty contrabandits!
by Julia Griffin
“Japan aquarium cheers up lonely sunfish by taping photos of human faces to its tank:
Staff had noticed that the sunfish was showing signs of distress after the aquarium
was closed for refurbishment… A day after [the taping] the fish regained its appetite
and looked generally more content, according to the Mainichi Shimbun [newspaper].”
—The Guardian
In this bleak week, I’ve learned a fix,
And Tokyo’s to thank,
Where one sad fish was cheered by pics
Of humans on its tank.
Inspired by this, I hereby wish
The next four years to be
A vista of contented fish,
Taped over my TV.
by Dan Campion
“Joe Biden Warns of ‘Tech Industrial Complex’ In Farewell Speech…”
—Deadline
I’m old and still remember Ike’s
Grim warning to our land.
The complex he named drove in spikes
And built just as they’d planned.
The tech lords too will stake their plot
And rule it. But thanks, Joe.
Another “complex”? Well, why not?
Let’s stay and watch the show.
by Matt Schatz
“Trump Names Sylvester Stallone, Mel Gibson and Jon Voight as ‘Special Ambassadors’
to ‘Troubled’ Hollywood: They’ll Bring ‘Lost Business’ Back”
—Variety
Yes, all that we need to get showbiz on track
Are three geriatric “Ambassadors”;
This will for certain bring Hollywood back!
Well, this—and a few flux capacitors.
by Marshall Begel
“Hiring a private fire crew costs thousands of dollars a day… Some wealthy property owners are calling
them in directly.”
—The New York Times
For corporate investors, famous actors and their ilk,
I’ll don the red suspenders of asbestos-woven silk.
For I’m the firefighter of the rich and well-connected,
Where houses shown in magazines are rightfully protected.
With tunic by Armani, matched with flame-retardant pants,
I use the finest water from a mountain stream in France.
Oh, how I love to hear the children’s happy little voices,
When thanking me for saving their Jacuzzis and Rolls Royces.
by Steven Kent
“Volkswagen van that survived Palisades fire in Los Angeles is a ‘beacon of hope'”
—The Guardian
The hippies knew
A thing or two:
VW vans
Are maybe man’s
Best motor deal.
So much appeal:
No speed, no tricks,
But cheap to fix;
No muss, no fuss,
This microbus,
And now we learn
The thing won’t burn!
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“When is it too cold to walk your dog?”
—The Independent
It does a pee
Against a tree
And yelps a plea
To snap it free.
by Julia Griffin
“The annual No Trousers Tube Ride event has returned in colourful fashion as people stripped
down to their underwear and hopped on the London Underground.”
—The Guardian
The annual No Trousers Tube Ride
Is booming as never before!
Don’t stand there and blush like a new bride:
Just push those bare legs through the door!
The suavest, most chic city slickers,
The veriest bumpkin and rube
Are stripping to long johns and knickers
And hopping half-nude on the Tube!
The yearly untrousered commuting
Gives joy to the brightest and best,
From Cockfosters southwards to Tooting,
From Barking to Slough in the west.
We gape at the garters some slyboots
Is flourishing, pert and overt:
(It’s not thought the thing to wear thigh boots,
Or even a scrap of a skirt).
The trouserless troglodyte transport
Cares nothing for sleet or for snow:
The feet of each woman and man sport
Wet socks with a vaporous glow.
What brainwave could serve as a segue?
What vision could match it in pride?
It’s making such headway, such legway,
This rousing, no-trousering ride!
by Clyde Always
“Male stripper reveals ‘crazy’ cheating trend for brides…’”
—New York Post
Tell me, My Darling, I’m dying to know:
how did your bachelorette party go?
All innocent fun with the ladies, I swear!
They gave me a sash and tiara to wear.
We nibbled hors d’ oeuvres and went light on the sauce.
You play any games?
A little ring toss…
by Stephen Gold
Of course I called a handy guy
To straighten up this shelf.
I’m highly skilled in DIY:
That’s “Don’t Involve Yourself.”
by Neil Doherty
“Pluto May Have Captured Its Biggest Moon [Charon] After an Ancient Dance and Kiss…
Some 4.5 billion years ago, the dwarf planet Pluto was suddenly joined by a companion. For a very brief period … they danced … before gently separating…”
—The New York Times
Pluto’s face as rough as bricks,
Charon left him for the Styx.
Burma-Shave
Said he’d had enough of spooning,
Turned his back and started mooning.
Burma-Shave
When first kisses are abrasive,
Lovers tend to be evasive.
Burma-Shave
by Marshall Begel
“‘How long can you stare at your wife?’: L&T chairman says he wants employees
to work on Sunday too”
—Hindustan Times
As I explore the boundless realms
Contained within your eyes,
My fascination overwhelms,
but comes as no surprise—
For ever since the day we wed,
I’ve reveled in your beauty.
To know each hair upon your head
Became my sacred duty.
The curves along your nimble hand
Can drive a man berserk…
Well, that’s as much as I can stand,
So now, I’m off to work.
by Paul Lander
Trump loyalty vows.
If they’re like his wedding vows?
Worthless as Trump Steaks.
by Brian Allgar
“Steve Bannon condemns Elon Musk as ‘racist’ and ‘truly evil'”
—The Guardian
For once, I’m in agreement with Steve Bannon:
He says that Musk is evil through and through,
A racist, egomaniac loose cannon …
The problem is, Steve Bannon’s evil too.
by Paul Lander
(in Los Angeles)
I went to the gym
Drove by. Building still standing
Resolution kept