by Jerome Betts
“’White-knuckled wolf spider’ thought lost is rediscovered on Isle of Wight”
—The Guardian
Spider, spider, out of sight
Hidden on the Isle of Wight,
Greeted by the experts’ chuckles
With your pallid spots or knuckles,
Though by most not known or missed,
Great news that you still exist!
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Looking at art in galleries can provide immediate stress relief, study finds”
—The Independent
I go to exhibitions when I’m anxious;
It’s very therapeutic and it’s free.
My worries get forgotten while I ponder,
Now what the hell is this supposed to be?
by Steven Kent
“‘Quiet as a whisper’: German firm launches ad campaign after lift used in Louvre heist”
—The Guardian
A Böcker lift’s the perfect tool,
So smooth and silent from the start;
It’s crafted like a priceless jewel
And made to steal an owner’s heart.
The showroom’s where you’ll go to see ’em
(There, or at a French museum).
by Eddie Aderne
“Year 12 students from at least eight schools in Queensland were taught the wrong topic for their final history exams …
Students were meant to study Julius Caesar, but the affected pupils instead learned about his nephew Augustus,
according to the Queensland Curriculum and Assessment Authority.”
—The Guardian
Caesar was switched on the Queensland Curriculum,
Something he’d surely have thought quite ridiculum.
This lot, Authorities? He’d soon demote ’em.
Here was a Caesar! Accept no nepotem!
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“Baseball helps reconnect Americans with each other”
—New York Daily News
Baseball helps us reconnect?
Often false, last time I checked.
Fans’ disputes are off the chart.
Baseball drives these fans apart!
by Viv Priestley
“Speaker of the House Mike Johnson defended labeling [last] weekend’s ‘No Kings’ rallies
opposing President Donald Trump as ‘hate America’ rallies, arguing that he was not referring
to Democrats themselves but the message of the protesters.”
—ABC
I can’t forget the grandmas’ hateful chanting
About how they prefer democracy;
The teachers who kept up their hateful ranting
Re making every student safe and free;
The moms and dads who hatefully hugged babies
And sang with friends and cried a little too;
But worst: a wiener dog (did it have rabies?)
Dressed up in hateful red and white and blue.
by Iris Herriot
“Police Break Up Lego Theft Ring, Recovering Hundreds of Beheaded Figurines:
Officials said they had discovered tens of thousands of Lego pieces at a California home
and arrested a man who trafficked in the stolen collectibles.”
—The New York Times
They lost their heads. He kept them, safe and sound.
Hundreds! The courts will certainly convict.
You ask how this appalling scene was found?
Cops followed up the clues till something clicked.
by Dan Campion
“Trump Administration Live Updates: White House Changes Course and Will Demolish Entire East Wing”
—The New York Times
Despite his pledge to save the wing,
The White House boss changed course.
We truly cannot trust one thing
He says. He sits his horse
Tail forward, charges toward the rear,
Convinced he is advancing,
And tramples things we all hold dear
So rich pals can go prancing.
The East Wing was, and now it’s not:
A symbol of his reign.
He’s riding backward at a trot,
Broadcasting dung and pain.
His grooms and stable hands just shrug
And work their combs and brooms,
Imagining they’ll dance and hug
In gold-encrusted rooms.
But Cinderella is a myth,
This prince a mean buffoon.
Look out, dear servant, serf, blacksmith!
He’ll soon prick your balloon.
by Marshall Begel
“[An Ohio bill declares] AI systems ‘nonsentient entities’ and [would] prevent them from gaining legal personhood.
The bill… also makes it illegal for anyone to marry an AI system…”
—Columbus Navigator
If AI’s not a legal person,
prospects for my marriage worsen
since my plans to marry Siri
might entail a legal query.
So instead, I’ve reignited
(thanks to Citizens United)
courtship safe from such attacks:
trading vows with Goldman Sachs.
by Julia Griffin
For Tam
“Wild bear pays surprise visit to bear enclosure at California zoo: ‘He was very polite’:
Sequoia park zoo said staff were doing an inspection when they saw a wild black bear
looking in at three captive bears”
—The Guardian
Oh yes, you thought he was “polite,” no doubt;
You found him quite the charmer, so refined,
Having no clue what he was on about:
Acquire some language and you’ll change your mind.
Feeling himself entitled to intrude,
He stood and stared at us, then scratched his head
(A gesture evidently meant as rude),
Opened his nasty, unwashed mouth, and said:
Hee, hee, hee! Are you locked in safe and tight?
I see they’ve pedicured your pretty feet!
So tell me, is your porridge cooked just right?
Who gets the widest quilt? The longest sheet?
And finally he chortled, to his fleas:
Let’s leave them to their Goldilocks-and-keys.
by Dan Campion
“‘Bored aliens’: has intelligent life stopped bothering trying to contact Earth?”
—The Guardian
So, in our spiral galaxy
Some aliens run free
But are too bored to come and see
What’s up in Kankakee?
Yes, “radical mundanity”
Sounds well-conceived, to me;
As we are subject to ennui,
Why wouldn’t ET be?
by Marshall Begel
“Chinese woman swallows eight live frogs to ease back pain“
—The Telegraph
Reporters swarmed around the woman, questioning her why
she swallowed frogs. She didn’t speak, distracted by a fly.
They asked her how she found the perseverance to go through it,
and why she thought eight frogs sufficed, but seven wouldn’t do it.
Without a written statement, they assumed she would ad lib it,
but when the woman cleared her throat, they only heard a “Ribbit.”
by Eddie Aderne
“Where once people were duped by soft-focus photos and borrowed chat-up lines,
now they have to watch out for computer-generated charm.”
—The Guardian
“Mon cher amour,” exhaled the dying Cyrano,
“There’s something you must hear tonight before I go:
The tender words, the praise—all absolutely true—
The love—” Roxane cut in: “I know all that was you:
You hid your love, I know, and I’m aware of why:
It was your nose!” “No, no,” he wheezed; “’twas all AI!
I started, yes, but, though I lasted quite a while,
I somehow lost my knack for précieux courting style:
I didn’t sound like Christian—good; his stuff was twee;
But by degrees I found I didn’t sound like me.
And so I asked a bot, “Do Cyrano!” It did;
And no one knew (till now) the sum of what I hid.
Adieu, amour!”
Roxane sat dazed. That wit! Those rhymes!
“I loved one man,” she sighed; “I’ve lost him now three times.”
by Chris O’Carroll
“They’re literally, you walk over from Iran to Qatar. You can walk it in one second. You go ‘boom boom’
and now you’re in Qatar.”
—A noted world traveler fantasizing about Middle East geography. In reality, Qatar’s only land border
is with Saudi Arabia. Iran is more than 100 miles away across the Persian Gulf.
Step literally off Iran, sink, sputter
Until (boom boom) you’re all washed up in Qatar.
by Bruce Bennett
Time’s cover, a shot from below,
Is one the Chief wants us to know
Is not to his liking,
Although it is striking
For what that odd angle can show
As sunlight plays tricks with his hair:
That one thing he simply can’t bear!
For him, worst of all,
His “crown” is so small
We won’t even know it is there.