by Steven Kent
“”Boxer Jarrell Miller has hairpiece punched off in split-decision victory”
—The New York Times’ “The Athletic”
A thrilling night:
A jab! A slug!
But then, mid-fight,
He lost his rug,
And yet with blows
He triumphed there
(Though by a nose,
Not by a hair).
How very nice
To win this way—
So small, the price
He had toupee.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Royal Navy orders sailors to quit alcohol two days a week”
—The Telegraph
Our country will be safer once
The Navy starts this fitness drive—
As long as no one starts a war
On any of the other five.
by Brendan Beary
“The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating whether ski jumpers were injecting their penises with hyaluronic acid in order to fly further”
—The Guardian
Though overworked already, heaven knows,
Today’s Olympic anti-doping screeners
Must now identify and then expose
Dishonest wannabe gold-medal wieners.
by Bruce Bennett
“National park signs related to Native Americans, climate change to be removed”
—The Washington Post
What happened, didn’t. Read the sign.
Our climate was, and is, divine.
We’ve always occupied this land.
Our treatment of it has been grand,
Respectful. Nothing happened here
that we can’t boast about and cheer.
We are “restoring truth and sanity.”
You doubt that? Just tune in to Hannity!
by Philip Kitcher
(To be sung to the tune of Cwm Rhondda (Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer))
I shall always do your bidding
Whatsoever you may ask,
Figure out when you’re just kidding,
Then perform the intended task.
It’s no hassle,
I’m your vassal,
Every wish of yours is mine.
I no longer have a spine.
You foresee our nation’s beauty,
I must make your dream come true;
Full obedience is my duty—
You will tell me what to do.
I won’t skimp it,
I’m a limpet,
My adhesion won’t abate.
I’ll be your invertebrate.
by Dan Campion
“You Wouldn’t Want to Butt Heads With This Small Dinosaur: A newly discovered raptor had a knobby bump on its head, suggesting that, like some larger dinosaurs, it engaged in competitive head bashing.”
—The New York Times
I wouldn’t want to butt heads with
A dinosaur of any size,
Nor with a human, nor a Sith,
Not for a payoff nor a prize,
As butting heads is not my forte.
Besides, I’d like to keep my wits,
And banging heads cuts reason short.
We see this each time Congress sits.
by Anne S. Reiner
“Trump: You can’t have guns.”
—The Wall Street Journal
A protest is no place for pistols—
if you aren’t ICE officials.
by Steven Kent
“Military Police Troops Put on Alert for Possible Deployment to Minnesota”
—The New York Times
“Trump Says U.S. ‘Armada’ Is Heading to Iran, Raising Pressure on Regime”
—The New York Times
Our troop diversions
Make it clear
Embattled Persians
Need not fear:
We’ll storm the beach
Both far and near
To guard free speech
(But fight it here).
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Primary school teacher banned after drinking can of beer in classroom…”
—The Independent
A man should not be teaching kids
Who doesn’t have the nous
To pour his brewski in a glass
And pass it off as juice.
by Marshall Begel
“Ex-KISS member Vinnie Vincent… is refusing to release what he calls the ‘greatest album of all time’ unless fans pay… $200 per song.”
—Syracuse.com
It seems the way to get ahead in
culture is the way
the landmark piece, “Guitarmaggedon”
makes its fans prepay.
Inspired, I wrote a work of art:
a parody, in rhyme,
too good for any rating chart—
the greatest of all time.
Before I let you celebrate
my artful expertise,
you must provide the standard rate
(in US dollars, please).
by Steven Kent
“Let’s turn the temperature down. Stop this campaign of retribution. This is not who we are.”
—MN Gov. Tim Walz on X
This isn’t who we are, it’s claimed,
A claim we must revisit.
We’re terrorized, we’re shot and maimed:
This isn’t who we are . . . or is it?
by Greg Beam
Healthcare, housing, safer schools—small asks.
But they would rather pay for men in masks.
by Kaitlyn Spees
“Warming temperatures are forcing Antarctic penguins to breed earlier and that’s a big problem for two of the cute tuxedoed species that face extinction by the end of the century, a study said. … The Adelie and chinstrap penguins are specialists, eating mainly krill. The gentoo have a more varied diet. They used to breed at different times, so there were no overlaps and no competition. But the gentoos’ breeding has moved earlier faster than the other two species and now there’s overlap. That’s a problem because gentoos, which don’t migrate as far as the other two species, are more aggressive in finding food and establishing nesting areas, [biologists] said.”
—NPR
(With apologies to Herrick)
Gobble down krill hordes while ye may;
The time to breed’s approaching.
Does it seem earlier? It is.
And gentoos are encroaching:
The rocks on which you built your nests
In prior years are teeming
With other penguins’ eggs and young—
It ought to leave you steaming.
The whole damn globe is heating up;
It’s getting warm and warmer.
And to outlast your neighbor you’ll
Just have to outperform ‘er.
So eat your krill and lay your eggs;
Raise chicks that show distinction,
Since otherwise your species risks
complete and sad extinction.
by Bruce Bennett
“A new study describes the first documented case of tool use by a cow.”
—The Washington Post
Veronika will scratch her back
and stomach with a brush.
It’s clear she has a special knack,
but are we in a rush
To claim that she is smart like us,
since won’t it then be rude,
and even likely cause a fuss,
when we see her as food?
by Viv Priestley
“’They saw them on their dishes when eating’: The mushroom making people hallucinate dozens of tiny humans”
—BBC
For Pat
This mushroom news should give us pause:
What other foods or drinks can cause
Consistent sights that aren’t there?
Could Diet Cokes and Big Macs be
The reason all our prez can see
Is “garbage” people everywhere?