by Jerome Betts

Cup shooting stars went on campaign—
Mbappé, Messi, Haaland, Kane.

Sad that the great four-yearly beano
Also included Infantino.

by Ruth S. Baker

“Toronto zoo announces birth of pygmy hippo calf … Within 15 minutes of birth, the calf began trying to stand and was ‘confidently navigating the space’ a few hours later, the zoo said, adding that the calf was seen nursing approximately 4.5 hours after birth.”
—The Guardian

The newborn of the pygmy hippo race
Can confidently navigate the space
Of a zoo in east Toronto
After fifteen minutes. Pronto!
I believe it’s time our species upped the pace.

by Marshall Begel

“Russian Retailers See Horse Sales Surge Amid Worsening Gasoline Deficit”
—United 24

With gasoline in short supply,
the marketplace endorses
the vehicle that says goodbye
to fossil fuel—it’s horses!

Envision riding noble steeds
just like the upper class—
a luxury that only needs
a stable and some grass.

So, look this gift horse in its mouth—
no car today can beat it.
If things continue going south,
remember: you can eat it!

by Philip Kitcher

“The U.S. men’s team limped out of the World Cup, beaten by Belgium… [M]any are calling it karmic retribution after U.S. striker Folarin Balogun was allowed to play despite a red card because President Trump called for FIFA to conduct what he described as a review…”
—ABC News

When they talked of red cards, he was very confused,
but once they explained them, he wasn’t amused.
He derided the ref: “What the [devil] does he know?
Let me have a quick word with my pal, Infantino.”
The whole business was settled with utmost dispatch—
for the Don is a master at fixing a match.

It is sad to relate, for the Land of the Free,
that revenge on the Belgians was not meant to be.

by David Hedges

Shall I compare thee to a pompous ass?
Thou art ten thousand thousand times the more
Disgusting and degenerate—no class!
Some on the left would label thee a whore
Though that demeans the babes thou once employ’d
In Moscow at the bid of Vladimir,
Who taped the golden shower thou so enjoy’d,
And others who stay silent out of fear.
‘Tis apt to see thy gold complexion dimm’d
By E. Jean What’s-her-name, on whom thou pil’d
A dump-truck’s worth of epithets untrimm’d
And otherwise besmirch’d—hell’s-fire, revil’d!
Mighteth there lurk some faint redeeming grace
Behind thy smirking Gatorade’d face?

by Julia Griffin

“… 18 ancient tombs were discovered at Marina el-Alamein, near Alexandria, which includes rock-cut and limestone tombs, pottery and a granite sarcophagus. … Close to the sarcophagus, they found the remains of a plaster sphinx statue… . Four gold pieces were placed inside the mouths of some of the deceased, known as ‘the golden tongue’…”
—The Guardian

O Sphinx, whom are you watching in this tomb?
Never mind whom.
This gold upon his tongue—what can it be?
A mystery.
Is it a gift, a fare he has to pay?
I will not say.
Then answer only this: why did he die?
Do not ask why.
Surely it was no curse that laid him low?
You may not know.
But could he curse another, in his turn?
That you will learn.

by Dan Campion

“‘Time was speeding up, slowing down, or even stopping’: Physicist demonstrates a key theory of time by building a ‘mini-universe’ in his lab”
—LiveScience

The brain, wrote Dickinson, is wide,
Viz. “wider than the sky”:
A “mini-universe” inside
Which cosmic rules apply.
. . .
Now spacetime’s rules hard science plumbs
Beyond our craniums,
Which shows reality succumbs
To dial-twiddling thumbs.

by Steven Kent

“Neo-fascist group Patriot Front parades banners, including Confederate flag, chanting ‘Reclaim America’ in US capital“
—The Guardian

How many of their “patriotic” dollars
Were spent on spiffy shirts with matching collars?
Coordinated, yes, but just plain tacky,
These cosplay kooks in color-coded khaki.

Confirmed in their convictions re: the races,
Yet not quite brave enough to show their faces—
Disguised, in mobs, each bully feels empowered,
And so it is, of course, for every coward.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“The Metropolitan Police have launched a criminal investigation into at least £500,000 of donations made to Reform UK by [Fiona Cottrell,] the mother of the convicted fraudster who secretly bankrolled Nigel Farage.”
—The Sunday Times

For Count Binface’s foe, issues mount:
Is a fraudster the ultimate fount
Of Fiona’s largesse?
Nigel dare not confess—
As it might knock him down for the Count!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“I visited the gorgeous walkable European city where pints cost as little as £4.”
—Daily Mirror

If pints of beer are going for a song,
The city won’t be walkable for long.

by Nora Jay

Manhattan shakes: there’s rapture everywhere;
The fever’s gripped the whole metropolis,
And high above the celebrated pair,
Two star-eclipsing Russians wave and kiss.

by Steven Kent

“JD Vance claims US holds all the cards in Iran and will win ‘either way'”
—The Guardian

Hormuz has guards,
And they play rough.
We hold the cards?
They called our bluff.

The war’s not done–
Confusing, no?
I thought we won,
Like, months ago.

by Julia Griffin

“Man crowned world’s loudest person makes as much noise as a jet taking off”
—CNN

Joseph McGrail-Bateup,
An air-conditioner cleaner,
Has brought his decibel rate up
To that of a jet, but keener.
“NOW!” he bellowed, then chuckled
To hear those decibels bust out,
And units everywhere buckled
And blew accretions of dust out.
The female champion screecher,
A regular one-voiced riot,
Is one Ms Flanagan, teacher,
Who hushed Belfast with her “QUIET!”
So both came top in their classes,
And, just to show we revere them,
Let’s clink a couple of glasses
(Though neither’s likely to hear them).

by Dan Campion

“Childbirth for many primate species is even harder than for humans”
—NewScientist

So even Tristram Shandy’s birth
Came easier than lots of apes’
Who slip through unforgiving girths
Of sundry primates’ pelvic shapes.
Comparisons are odious,
But in this case it’s salutary
To learn that childbirth favors us.
But so says Joseph. Go ask Mary.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Having children makes you smarter? Incredible, but true”
—The Guardian

It’s no surprise that children make you smarter,
’Cos nowadays you’re not supposed to hit them,
So if you want to stop them misbehaving,
You have to use your noggin and outwit them.