by Dan Campion
“[P]eople sometimes ask why our comedy show is all politics now. I would argue that politics is all comedy now. The politics—we didn’t come to them, they came to us.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
The Ouroboros twists around
To swallow its own tail.
Our politics squirm on the ground;
How could they ever fail
To swallow their own rattles? Laugh,
To see the circle close;
But keep in hand a sturdy staff
To rap it on the nose.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“How to pronounce Scotch whiskies like a true Scot”
—The Telegraph
Pronounce them like a true Scot would,
By drinking some and getting stewed.
by Marshall Begel
“Florida GOP candidate pushes a new ‘sin tax’ on OnlyFans creators… singling out OnlyFans creator Sophie Rain in a post promoting the idea.”
—WTF Detective
My friends, if chosen by this state
I promise I will pass
a tax that will eradicate
this deviant morass.
I understand the cyber minx
who peddles wanton vice—
for I’ve consulted countless links
and even watched them twice!
by Thomas Germana
“…[A] group of organizations has launched a Eurocentric social media platform as an alternative to Elon Musk’s X and other US-controlled services. As reported by CyberNews, the site—known as W—is designed around trusted sources, photo-identified users, and European hosting and control. … The two Vs in W reportedly stand for ‘values’ and ‘verified.’”
—PCMag
It looks like Musk is set to lose
A lot of little checks.
I guess this means that W’s
Another L for X.
by Marshall Begel
“Nintendo bans infamous Japanese ‘Adult Only’ Animal Crossing island. Creator says ‘Thanks for turning a blind eye all these years.’”
—Automaton
(With apologies to Ludwig Jacobowski)
Ah, the brilliant days we had
as lusty avatars—
ferocious beasts, ornately clad
for cyber-leather bars.
But now, they’ve sunk our isle of sin:
no orgies in the clover.
Smile because they once had been!
Don’t cry because it’s over!
Our stories now must turn the page
but don’t succumb to worries—
why, people almost twice your age
are joining groups of furries!
by Steven Kent
“Trump Has Another Justification for the Shooting of Renee Good: Disrespect”
—The New York Times
She ran her mouth, she got what she deserved—
Not a biggie.
She tried to turn away, you say? She swerved?
Quiet, piggy!
by Julia Griffin
“Donald Trump welcomed 2026 with a glitzy bash at his Mar-a-Lago club in Palm Beach where he auctioned off a freshly painted portrait of Jesus Christ for $2.75m and said his new year’s resolution was a wish for ‘peace on Earth’. The portrait of Jesus had been painted onstage by artist Vanessa Horabuena who, the president said, was ‘one of the greatest artists anywhere in the world’.”
—The Guardian
Those sharp blue eyes, that ochered shine,
Those tight and baleful lips
Confirm the subject as divine
And spark new donorships.
Behold a relic bargain-priced—
Resist the call who dares:
A hard-faced Mar-a-Lago Christ,
For holy billionaires!
by Chris O’Carroll
“… Carl Sagan said of Mr. von Däniken [author of Chariots of the Gods]: ‘Every time he sees something he can’t understand, he attributes it to extraterrestrial intelligence, and since he understands almost nothing, he sees evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence all over the planet.’”
—The New York Times
Space-cadet fabulist
Erich von Däniken
Milked his delusions for
All they were worth,
Selling his New Age fans
Extraterrestrial
Origin stories for
Science on Earth.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Archaeologists find medieval ‘super ship’ longer than two school buses”
—The Independent
They found it at the bottom of the sea;
That sounds like quite a rubbish ship to me.
by Marshall Begel
“Nearly 13,000 recently issued Irish passports are being recalled… missing the letters ‘IRL.'”
—The New York Times
For wary travelers who fear a
holiday away from Éire,
a typo’s raising ire and
reducing trust in Ireland.
Those public workers must’ve felt sick
on the day they issued Celtic
passports that neglect to tell
the holder hails from IRL.
by Thomas Germana
“An investigation is underway following an armed robbery at a Pokémon shop in Manhattan on Wednesday night. … [T]hree males wearing masks [stole over $100,000 worth of merchandise from] the Poké Court …”
—ABC7NY
The cops are searching far and wide
To find the stolen haul.
They can’t allow these thieves to hide;
They gotta’ catch ‘em all!
by Steven Kent
“Circumcision kits found on sale on Amazon UK as concerns grow over harm to baby boys”
—The Guardian
Problems coming to the fore:
Skin left scarred and so much more.
ER doctors say you’re nuts
Letting laymen make these cuts.
Listen, buddy, get a grip,
Learn a lesson, take a tip:
Should your babe not be a goil,
Never hire a self-taught mohel.
by Dan Campion
“Why Trump doesn’t need to own Greenland to build Golden Dome”
—Politico
No need to read the details, folks.
Our Don’s a Kubla Khan
Whose head’s a wheel of golden spokes;
Our bold Bellerophon
Can build a dome in Xanadu,
Or in Upstate New York,
Or Canada, or Katmandu,
Or Crete, or County Cork.
Why Greenland? it’s your right to ask.
Be careful if you do.
Khan Don has flipped. If called to task,
He’ll flip the bird at you.
by Chris O’Carroll
“Nick Fuentes, an unabashed admirer of Adolf Hitler, said President Donald Trump went too far—even by his standards—with his ‘despicable’ remarks about Rob Reiner the morning after the famed director and his wife were found stabbed to death. ‘This is ugly rhetoric. It is ugly, it is actually evil,’ Fuentes said on his show on Monday. ‘Forget for a moment that we are in a war— someone gets murdered by their son, it’s a horrific tragedy. This is a horrible story, and nobody deserves that. I don’t care what their politics are.’”
–Mediaite.com
Your day of reckoning has come
When even Nazis think you’re scum.
by Julia Griffin
“Relief and reward for passengers as Rome’s ‘museum stations’ finally open … Colosseo-Fori Imperiali contains the remains of a Republican-era townhouse and a thermal bath believed to date back to the beginning of Rome’s imperial period, and 28 wells that were used long before the first aqueduct was invented. Dozens of relics found during the metro station’s construction are displayed behind glass screens, including jugs, bowls and votives, such as a stag’s antlers and hairpins, found in the wells.”
—The Guardian
Commuters rushing past the ancient Fora
Rejoice to find at last they need not dally.
Now there are working trains, not just an aura,
At Colosseo-Fori Imperiali.
But should they choose to do so, they’ll discover
Delights undreamed of: horns and other votives
To charm the heart of every knowledge-lover
Dependent on the City’s locomotives.
One day, our era may return the favor.
When all we’ve built is buried ten yards under,
I’d like to think that some inventive paver
Will hit on something generating wonder:
A toothbrush—maybe sacred? Bits of freezers
With fragments still inside? Perhaps a stocking
Will join the treasure-coffers of the Caesars,
And seem no less exciting, no less shocking
To those to whom we’re even now bequeathing
Signs of the funny ways we live and die:
Proofs that this place was really run by breathing
Bodies with brains, not cobalt with AI.