by Harrison Glaze

“Richardson’s ground squirrels are threatening to overrun Minot, North Dakota. The city is trying to fight back.”
—The Associated Press

Search the world over, and you’ll find,
Whatever route you tour on,
The appellation “human kind”
Is strictly oxymoron.

They’ve lined their plains with trash. They’ve shot
Our neighbors to extinction.
Their leaders prove their “higher thought”
A dubious distinction.

And so our stratagem begins,
Our cause a simple theme:
The humans can’t self govern, and
Earth needs a new regime.

The age of man was finite. Not
The epoch of the squirrel!
This minute, friends, it’s Minot, but
Next minute it’s the world.

by Jerome Betts

“MSNBC IS DOING SO POORLY IN THE RATINGS THAT THEY ARE LOOKING TO CHANGE THEIR NAME
IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM THE STENCH OF THEIR FAKE NEWS PRODUCT. SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH
THEIR WEAK AND INEFFECTIVE OWNER, ‘CONCAST’ … HOPELESSLY AND AIMLESSLY FLAILING…”
—@realDonaldTrump

Don’t “shout” by using upper case
Say veterans of cyberspace.
Caps in profusion may cast doubt
On what, though true, you write about.
And could it be the same applies
Still more to those whose words are lies?

by Neil Doherty

“The Streaked Shearwaters… were pooping every four to 10 minutes… losing perhaps 5 percent of their body mass hourly.”
—Scientific American

Every day this bird alas
Poops away its body mass.
Now I admit, that’s quite a lot.
But is it news? I think it’s not.
Sullied sailors down below
Knew all about it long ago.

by Steven Kent

“The $62M question: Does a [Georgia] high school really need a professional-style stadium?”
—The Guardian

“Georgia ranked 30th in the nation for educational performance…”
—Wikipedia

Our school’s in hock—
The old folk squawk,
But on my block
They back the jock
Who’s walking tall
With all in thrall;
He rules the hall
Cuz he plays ball.

The hard old hearts
Around these parts
Won’t fund the arts
Or stuff with smarts.
They understand
What fans demand—
Those geeks in band
Can go pound sand.

by Iris Herriot

“All smoke but no fire as Zelenskyy emerges unbruised after Trump meet…
‘President Zelenskyy, you look fabulous in that suit,’ said Brian Glenn, a pro-Trump pundit…
who had attacked him for wearing military fatigues during the infamous Oval Office meeting in February.
‘I said the same thing,’ Trump added.”
—The Guardian

What though the meeting bear no fruit?
At least the hosts were nice:
Zelenskyy’s learned, to press his suit
He needs to do so twice.

Though dressing up won’t bring renown,
At least it saves a dressing down.

by Stephen Gold

“It may be offensive to say ‘husband’ or ‘wife,’ council staff told.”
—The Times

Don’t say “husband” or “wife.”
In today’s diverse life,
Terms like these may cause grievous offense.
And equally bad is to say “Mum” or “Dad.”
Say “caregiver.” You know it makes sense.

In less sensitive times,
Fewer cultural crimes
Would arise to cause strife and make waves.
When I’m faced with this zeal,
Should I fight it, or kneel?
My caregivers would turn in their graves.

by Marshall Begel

“Man faces jail in US for shipping 850 turtles in socks to Hong Kong”
—BBC

I picture a smuggler who brilliantly found
that turtles with socks on their feet make no sound,
so planned their clandestine processional entry
right under the nose of the foreign-trade sentry.

by Dan Campion

“Scientists put a dead cow on the deep ocean floor and filmed something very unexpected”
—Earth.com

My first thought: golden arches swam
Before the boffins’ lens;
My next had bronzed Beefeaters slam
The cows like loud Big Bens;
My final guess saw flocks of larks
Pay homage to the cow.
But no. The film shows “sleeper sharks.”
That’s “unexpected”—how?

by Steven Kent

“Man accused of throwing sandwich at US border agent charged with assault”
—The Guardian

He’s in a pickle now, I’d say,
His chance of walking close to zero.
Watch—they’ll make this turkey pay,
But I consider him a hero.

by Miriam N. Kotzin

“Locals panic as Sea of Galilee turns blood red…”
—Daily Express U.S.

1. Hers

“My darling, soon we’ll have no lips;
you’ll touch no more my thighs or hips.
But now I yearn. Away time slips,
so pass me the potato chips.”

2. His

“It’s merely algae in a bloom.
Love, once abed we’ll banish gloom,
become anew like bride and groom
when, though we die, our bed’s no tomb.”

by Paul Lander

Steve Martin, 80:
Don’t mess with him, he’s now one
Wild and cranky guy!

by Julia Griffin

“She’s an icon.
She’s a legend.
And she is the moment”
—US Department of Energy describing coal

After Charles Aznavour

She may be the face I have to hack,
Though now I can’t unbend my back,
May be my wages or what leaves me on a bier;
She may be old Hades’ dusty flower,
May be our only source of power
Now that the Green New Deal’s gone sour
In not much more than half a year.

She may be the legend or the lie,
May be the icon or black eye,
May turn the landscape to a crater or a heap;
She may be the wind that turns grass grey,
The one who beats the EPA;
She may not be what admen say
To earn their keep.

She who cannot be left peaceful in her crypt,
Whose fans are always wild to have her stripped—
No one can fail to see what they discard;
She may be the darling of the DOE
(Whose members don’t contract COPD),
And all the lobbyists who work so hard;

She may be the cause my breath comes thick,
The why and wherefore I’m so sick,
The one who blocks my windpipe like a slimy bung;
Me, I’ll wear her colors in each lung,
And not be scared of dying young,
So on my grave write “RIP:
The reason for my death is she.”

by Alex Steelsmith

“Doctors Horrified After Healthcare AI makes up a body part that does not exist in humans…
It identified an ‘old left basilar ganglia infarct,’ referring to a purported part of the brain—
‘basilar ganglia’—that simply doesn’t exist… [T]his can lead to headaches for users during
their research and fact checking…”
—Futurism

Cranial, brainial
“basilar ganglia”
physiologically
doesn’t exist.

Though it might seem a bit
counterintuitive,
headaches induced by it
may well persist.

by Bruce Bennett

“Lake Alice, a 26-acre local gem nestled in the crook of Minnesota’s eastern border, was drained to nearly
nothing after maintenance staff found that the valve meant to control its water levels was stuck.”
—The Washington Post

What’s going on? She isn’t here.
Alice is gone. Things disappear.
A pile of fish flop in her place.
Swiftly, almost without a trace,

What’s loved may vanish! We’re bereft!
We gaze. There’s almost nothing left.
This world, once filled with love and laughter,
is doomed. We see what’s coming after:

Destruction. Horrors. Drought. The works!
Just peer around. There Evil lurks.
Yet, don’t give up. Just take a break.
Hope whispers, Find another lake.

Don’t bow and yield your world to Malice.

Lakes will outlast this. Go ask Alice.

by Geoffrey Basking

“It’s difficult to say why Seuss’s books have gripped us for over six decades.
Green Eggs and Ham is an especially mysterious text, open to multiple interpretations.”
—Jess de Courcy in LitHub

I am Gripped. Gripped I am.

That Gripped-I-Am! That Gripped-I-Am! It’s hard to get that Gripped-I-Am!

Do you get Green Eggs and Ham?

I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am.
I do not get Green Eggs and Ham.

Could you get it in a course?

I could not get it in a course.
I do not recognize its source.
I cannot parse it worth a damn.
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am.

Could you get it with a gloss?
Could you get it wrapped in floss?

I could not get it with a gloss.
I could not get it wrapped in floss.
I could not get it in a course.
It might as well be made in Morse.
I do not get Green Eggs and Ham.
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am.

Could you get it with a crow?
Could you get it with Foucault?
Could you get it through Les Mis?
Try it! Try it! Here it is!

I would not, could not with a crow!
I would not, could not with Foucault!
I do not get Green Eggs and Ham!
I do not get it, Gripped-I-Am!

You do not get it, so say you.
Try it with a child of two!
Try it! Try it! Do, do, do!

Wham! I get Green Eggs and Ham!

I get why everyone is gripped!
And I would get it in a crypt!
And I would get it on a flan!
And I would get it with De Man!
And I would get it with the Queen!
And with Lacan! And with Bakhtin!

I understand Green Eggs and Ham!
Thank you, thank you, Gripped-I-Am.