by Chris O’Carroll

“… Carl Sagan said of Mr. von Däniken [author of Chariots of the Gods]: ‘Every time he sees something he can’t understand, he attributes it to extraterrestrial intelligence, and since he understands almost nothing, he sees evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence all over the planet.’”
—The New York Times

Space-cadet fabulist
Erich von Däniken
Milked his delusions for
All they were worth,

Selling his New Age fans
Extraterrestrial
Origin stories for
Science on Earth.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Archaeologists find medieval ‘super ship’ longer than two school buses”
—The Independent

They found it at the bottom of the sea;
That sounds like quite a rubbish ship to me.

by Marshall Begel

“Nearly 13,000 recently issued Irish passports are being recalled… missing the letters ‘IRL.'”
—The New York Times

For wary travelers who fear a
holiday away from Éire,
a typo’s raising ire and
reducing trust in Ireland.

Those public workers must’ve felt sick
on the day they issued Celtic
passports that neglect to tell
the holder hails from IRL.

by Thomas Germana

“An investigation is underway following an armed robbery at a Pokémon shop in Manhattan on Wednesday night. … [T]hree males wearing masks [stole over $100,000 worth of merchandise from] the Poké Court …”
—ABC7NY

The cops are searching far and wide
To find the stolen haul.
They can’t allow these thieves to hide;
They gotta’ catch ‘em all!

by Steven Kent

“Circumcision kits found on sale on Amazon UK as concerns grow over harm to baby boys”
—The Guardian

Problems coming to the fore:
Skin left scarred and so much more.
ER doctors say you’re nuts
Letting laymen make these cuts.
Listen, buddy, get a grip,
Learn a lesson, take a tip:
Should your babe not be a goil,
Never hire a self-taught mohel.

by Dan Campion

“Why Trump doesn’t need to own Greenland to build Golden Dome”
—Politico

No need to read the details, folks.
Our Don’s a Kubla Khan
Whose head’s a wheel of golden spokes;
Our bold Bellerophon
Can build a dome in Xanadu,
Or in Upstate New York,
Or Canada, or Katmandu,
Or Crete, or County Cork.
Why Greenland? it’s your right to ask.
Be careful if you do.
Khan Don has flipped. If called to task,
He’ll flip the bird at you.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Nick Fuentes, an unabashed admirer of Adolf Hitler, said President Donald Trump went too far—even by his standards—with his ‘despicable’ remarks about Rob Reiner the morning after the famed director and his wife were found stabbed to death. ‘This is ugly rhetoric. It is ugly, it is actually evil,’ Fuentes said on his show on Monday. ‘Forget for a moment that we are in a war— someone gets murdered by their son, it’s a horrific tragedy. This is a horrible story, and nobody deserves that. I don’t care what their politics are.’”
–Mediaite.com

Your day of reckoning has come
When even Nazis think you’re scum.

by Julia Griffin

“Relief and reward for passengers as Rome’s ‘museum stations’ finally open … Colosseo-Fori Imperiali contains the remains of a Republican-era townhouse and a thermal bath believed to date back to the beginning of Rome’s imperial period, and 28 wells that were used long before the first aqueduct was invented. Dozens of relics found during the metro station’s construction are displayed behind glass screens, including jugs, bowls and votives, such as a stag’s antlers and hairpins, found in the wells.”
—The Guardian

Commuters rushing past the ancient Fora
Rejoice to find at last they need not dally.
Now there are working trains, not just an aura,
At Colosseo-Fori Imperiali.

But should they choose to do so, they’ll discover
Delights undreamed of: horns and other votives
To charm the heart of every knowledge-lover
Dependent on the City’s locomotives.

One day, our era may return the favor.
When all we’ve built is buried ten yards under,
I’d like to think that some inventive paver
Will hit on something generating wonder:

A toothbrush—maybe sacred? Bits of freezers
With fragments still inside? Perhaps a stocking
Will join the treasure-coffers of the Caesars,
And seem no less exciting, no less shocking

To those to whom we’re even now bequeathing
Signs of the funny ways we live and die:
Proofs that this place was really run by breathing
Bodies with brains, not cobalt with AI.

by Steven Kent

“House Republicans pass health care plan without re-upping insurance subsidies”
—Politico

Insurance, no—
We’re deaf to all your pleading.
Here’s Motrin, though,
And Band-Aids for the bleeding.

All’s well, God bless;
Your welfare won’t impact us.
It’s simple, yes:
We preach what we malpractice.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“My daughter earns more than me—should I still gift her £200 for Christmas?”
—The i Paper

Yes, do it every year as an investment,
And when you reach old age with all its ills,
You’ll have a healthy balance in the guilt bank,
To shame her into covering your bills.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Study finds dropping an expletive can raise confidence and help people push harder during physically demanding tasks”
—The Guardian

For topmost performance condition,
Be boosted by disinhibition,
Opines Richard S—
Meaning dare for success
By repetitive F-bomb emission!

by Steven Kent

“You don’t need alcohol on Christmas Day. It may be far more enjoyable if you stay sober”
—The Guardian

No whiskey, no vodka, no beer?
No liquor of any kind here?
You want me to try
The holidays dry?
You don’t know my family, my dear.

by Steven Kent

“Patient police say they have recovered Fabergé pendant from man accused of swallowing it”
—The Guardian

Our thief, Dear Watson, stands now under sentry—
The evidence, you see, is alimentary.

by Michael Stein

“Let’s make one thing crystal clear: Admiral Mitch Bradley is an American hero, a true professional, and has my 100% support. I stand by him and the combat decisions he has made—on this September 2 mission and all others since. America is fortunate to have such men protecting us. When this @DeptofWar says we have the back of our warriors—we mean it.”
—Pete Hegseth on X

I wasn’t there the whole attack,
But love how he left no one livin’!
And rest assured: I have his back.
(‘Cause that’s where I just stuck the shiv in.)

by Bruce Bennett

“Honeybees… [sometimes make honey from] the sticky, sugary substance that spotted lanternflies leave behind after slurping tree sap…. The proper term for this substance is honeydew, but that’s really just another word for poop.”
—The Washington Post

I eat this honey by the scoop,
but now they tell me it’s just poop.

I really have adored the taste.
How could I know that it was waste?

No more! I’ve laid aside my spoon.
I’ve learned my lesson none too soon!

Yet Dear, though now I know it’s funny,
I always will still call you Honey.