by Marshall Begel
“Man hides inside Best Buy after closing, ahead of Pokémon card release”
—NBC Los Angeles
The Pokéfan who broke some laws
deserves exoneration—
if not for kindness, then because
of Best Buy’s reputation.
Instead of giving tech advice,
their squad of clueless geeks
demands a stupefying price
for digital antiques.
While punishment may strike a chord
for actions so improper,
this company can ill afford
to lose another shopper!
by Jerome Betts
“King Charles paid tribute to America’s special relationship with the UK by giving him the bell from HMS Trump, a WWII submarine which served in the Pacific.”
—Metro
Part of a sub, its life long done,
Arrived one day in Washington.
This naval present from King C.
Was meant to butter up Prez T.,
For though of no outstanding fame,
The boat had shared his comic name.
Or was it, as some wits impute,
A clever way to “bell the coot”?
by Bruce Bennett
“Sanewashing.” Oh, if only! If only we could hear
some speech that really matters, where meaning might appear.
Instead, we get the ranting, the nonsense, and the rage
before we change the channel, the volume, or the page.
by Steven Kent
“US millionaire big-game hunter dies after being crushed by elephants”
—The Guardian
He traveled far and wide for foes to slay,
But who’s the hunter here, and who’s the prey?
Advantage pressed, the pachyderms attacked;
The game’s afoot (it’s underfoot, in fact).
The funeral mood was mournful, mostly grim:
His friends were crushed, though not of course like him.
by Julia Griffin
For Jack, the Walrus Muse
“A very large sea lion is drawing onlookers to a pier popular among both other sea lions and tourists in San Francisco … [T]he name that has stuck is Chonkers … [He] weighs about 1,500 to 2,000 pounds, according to experts. … He is a Steller sea lion.
Sheila Chandor, who has been harbor master at Pier 39 since 1985, said Chonkers had been visiting the pier for about 15 years, but had previously stayed just a day or two at a time. … ‘I sort of hope we don’t end up with more,’ Ms. Chandor said, noting that the wooden floats were built for California sea lions, which weigh up to about 700 pounds.”
—The New York Times
Said Sheila to the Steller:
“Among these hoards of honkers,
You’re quite the fleshy feller:
That’s why we’ve called you ‘Chonkers.’
Alas, you’re much too heavy;
Less like a common otary,
More like a semi-Chevy
(If Chevys can be floatery).
The planks you choose to lie on
(You may find this surprising)
Are made of wood, not iron,
And soon may start capsizing.
We’re happy to permit you
A temporary visit,
But months of you in situ
Is not a visit, is it?
by Paul Lander
Thailand airport bust:
Tortoises under her shirt.
Turtleneck did her in.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“In sickness and, more likely, in health: Marriage cuts your risk of cancer”
—The Telegraph
I’ve never had a spouse, but I can picture,
From having room- and housemates in the past,
How quick a spouse’s irritating habits
Could grow from small annoyances to vast.
Like snoring, or the way they hog the bedspread,
Or shout the names of others in their sleep,
Then buy you thoughtless gifts to curry favor,
As if that makes it all okay (the creep!).
So even if you cut your risk of cancer,
The risk of other things goes up a ton,
Like fits or strokes or getting executed
For homicide by quilt—so, six of one…
(inspired by a misleading headline)
by Marshall Begel
“Officials will flush 50,000 toilets to flood a Utah lake in order to generate electricity”
—Fortune (The article then reveals that the lake will be flooded with the *equivalent* of 50,000 toilet flushes…)
Our hydro-plant’s turbine lay still
because of the ongoing drought.
We couldn’t make power until
Officials could figure this out.
When Archie, the dam engineer
was sitting at home on the pot,
connections began to appear
that loosened this Gordian knot.
So sure of the system he modeled,
he bolted out into the street.
“Eureka!” he cried as he waddled
though town with his pants at his feet.
He called out, “I have the solution!”
The crowd held a palpable hush.
“We need everyone’s contribution—
so go to your bathrooms and flush!”
The crisis had seemingly ended,
forestalling the city’s decline.
Soon, Archie was duly commended
(but also was given a fine).
by Steven Kent
“RFK Jr once cut the penis off ‘road-killed raccoon’ in New York, new book reveals”
—The Guardian
It died, a gobbet
By the curve
(Lorena Bobbitt,
Please observe).
What prompted Bob
One afternoon
To hack the nob
Off that raccoon?
His mind’s a raging
Freaky void.
Attention: paging
Dr. Freud.
by Gail White
“World’s top condom maker… to raise prices sharply as Iran war strains supply chain”
—Reuters
When condom prices start to soar
And sex is worry-free no more,
Would someone send a text to me
To schedule a vasectomy?
by Marshall Begel
“Older Women Are in Demand by Younger Men”
—The New York Times
The dating scene with girls my age has left me less than awed,
so now this lonely Harold is out searching for his Maude.
I’ve wasted weekends kayaking and skiing far too long,
while yearning to play pickleball and merciless mahjong.
My generation’s virtues are as fake as Santa Claus—
I need a gal with wisdom that appears post-menopause.
If this is you, please message me—we’ve plenty to discuss,
and if you’re rich and close to death, that’s certainly a plus!
by Julia Griffin
“For the first time, a much younger version of the Sun has been caught red-handed blowing bubbles in the galaxy, by astronomers using NASA’s Chandra X-ray Observatory. … Astronomers have nicknamed the HD 61005 star system the ‘Moth’ because it is surrounded by large amounts of dust patterned similarly to the shape of a moth’s wings when viewed through infrared telescopes.”
—The Good News Network
Caught red-handed blowing bubbles,
HD 61005,
Star of Chandra’s and of Hubble’s
Lenses, hail! You will survive
Longer, clearly, than our planet
In your bright balloon of froth
(Which, the more we strive to scan it,
More and more recalls a moth).
Sweet relief from earthly troubles,
Till we starve, or freeze, or fry,
Charm us please by blowing bubbles,
Red-hot bubbles in the sky.
by Iris Herriot
“California man arrested for allegedly swapping in pasta for Lego pieces then returning them”
—The Guardian
For Lego, he left pasta. What a lout!
Seventy thefts and counting. Can you beat it?
And this was in CA, and so, no doubt,
The set contained a warning not to eat it.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Police catch woman, 28, climbing colossal 16th-century statue of Neptune to touch its genitals as a dare … City officials put the cost of the damage at €5,000…”
—The Guardian
Funzionari here have had a plateful.
Tourists are ever cheekier and bolder!
At least the fountain horses can be grateful
Their bodies stop somewhere around the shoulder.
by Dan Campion
“Desmond Morris, 98, Dies; Zoologist Saw Links Between Humans and Apes
His immensely popular, and controversial, 1997 book, ‘The Naked Ape,’ argued that ancient genes, shared with apes, shape our lives.”
—The New York Times
It’s obvious we all go ape
And frequently go nude
And, like chimpanzees, hug and jape
And preen with attitude,
But one needs courage and rare wit,
Which risks raw animus
(Baboons howl, “We won’t stand for it!”),
To state the obvious.