By Marshall Begel
“Meet the Rat-Obsessed Tour Guide Leading Visitors Through NYC’s Rodent Hotspots”
—Vice
This corner marks where Jimmy spilled some gas and caught on fire—
they only found his switchblade and a melted copper wire.
Elena told the feds, then begged the bosses to forgive her.
They did before they dropped her here, into the Hudson River.
Bernard went to confession and was turned in by the priest,
and this is where Long Island turkey vultures had their feast.
And here’s the bar… What’s that? You aren’t a mob-obsessive geek?
Oh—you must want that other tour where “rats” don’t squeal, but squeak!
by Dan Campion
“A 37,000-Year Chronicle of What Once Ailed Us: In a new genetic study, scientists have charted
the rise of 214 human diseases across ancient Europe and Asia.”
—The New York Times
It’s quite a Saga, I will tell you.
No one’s seen such Ills before.
I, Your King, have Cures to sell you,
If you’ll lend my reps the floor.
They’re horrible, those Maladies
Old Left Wings left us. Need Great care? If
So, check out my Remedies.
Buy online now, I’ll waive the tariff.
One thing’s sure: we Kings can Cure.
All ailments simply Fade away
(Except for this or that bone spur).
So order Cure-All merch Today!
(very loosely inspired by recent events)
by Clyde Always
“Child rescued [by fire and EMS workers] after climbing into a claw machine arcade game”
—ABC
How did you lose all our savings, you fool?
Did you fall for a hustle again playing pool?
Or pick the last pony to circle the track?
Or wager on red when you should’ve picked black?
Of course not! In fact, it’s our son who’s to blame.
You know that impossible claw machine game?
He crawled up the chute going after a prize
and got stuck, but I snagged him! It took a few tries…
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“The real Salt Path: how a blockbuster book and film were spun from lies, deceit and desperation:
Penniless and homeless, the Winns found fame and fortune with the story of their 630-mile walk
to salvation. … [T]he truth behind it is very different”
—The Observer
The Salt Path was restorative for Winn.
Her royalties, it is alleged, repaid
Embezzled funds. Yet nature’s-medicine
(Perambulations Moth and Raynor made
In Cornwall on its cliffs), according to
New claims, was too restorative to be
Considered true: in many medics’ view,
He’s been too well too long for CBD.
Observer scoops don’t often tell a lie.
Fresh readings bring up doubts you can’t ignore
So easily, yet millions passed them by …
At picnics on the beach, with Salt Path for
Light reading, why did no one spot a fault?
They probably forgot their pinch of salt!
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Schools are blasted for ‘raising a generation of wimps’ after calls for [indoor play] during heatwaves”
– Daily Mail
’Cos nothing fosters character like heatstroke,
And battling back to fitness from a coma,
And overcoming brain and organ damage—
Unless it’s squaring off with melanoma.
by K.D. Taylor
“If you love to write, it is not about the money.”
—opinion piece in Writers
“The pen is mightier than the sword,”
one playwright said of old,
yet it’s a mighty puny price
at which most penwork’s sold.
And starving writers number more
than any man can count,
while not one swordsman seems to starve
nor does his bank account.
Hear all the names of billionaires
the newsmen are reciting,
and try to name a single one
who made their wealth by writing.
The written word won’t likely yield
such market-worth ascensions,
Though Galileo called it once
the greatest of inventions.
But if you think that income gains
to writers are proceeding,
know I received not one red cent
for what you now are reading.
by Julia Griffin
“The Environmental Protection Agency on Thursday put on administrative leave 139 employees who signed a ‘declaration of dissent’
about its policies… [T]he EPA said it has a ‘zero-tolerance policy for career bureaucrats unlawfully undermining, sabotaging and
undercutting’ the Trump administration’s agenda.”
—The Guardian
Tree-hugging bureaucrats have had their day
At the EPA.
Sure, they did undermine and sabotage and undercut,
But
Misused these tactics to upend a
Trumpist agenda.
Let all who yield to fits of folly, see
Our zero-tolerance policy,
And mind they make each bomb and axe and clawful
Lawful.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Your headaches might be caused by a Neanderthal-shaped skull”
—New Scientist
Indeed I have often suspected
My troubles are closely connected
To high-office holders
Who bear on their shoulders
Skulls that are Stone-Age inflected.
by Marshall Begel
“Dead congressman promotes candidate for his seat on social media”
—Axios
Virginia, we need our campaign to succeed
to stop this regime’s demolition.
That’s why I’m promoting intelligent voting
despite my, um, current condition.
Please, don’t be afraid, come and join the crusade—
we need every “I voted” sticker.
Election day’s near, so sign up—volunteer,
and I’ll make some random lights flicker.
by Stephen Urquhart Bell
“The best mattresses in 2025: sleep better with our seven rigorously tested picks”
—The Guardian
Oh, to be a mattress tester!
Perfect for a slob—
I couldn’t ever get the boot
For sleeping on the job.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Kansas game wardens share photo of very rare albino fawn”
—ksnt.com
Magical miracle,
all of humanity
goggles in awe when the
universe spawns
perfect albinism
ontogenetically;
everyone fawns over
lily-white fawns.
by Steven Kent
“US Catholic school fires teacher after husband’s obituary reveals his marriage to a man…
[A] parent—whose identity was shielded and whom the teacher presumed to be ‘disgruntled’—
reported discovering his being mentioned in [the] obituary…”
—The Guardian
The diocese of NOLA hopes to dodge a second scandal,
Though God knows this kerfuffle to the first can’t hold a candle:
Two hundred mil (and counting) for protecting pedo fathers,
Yet one gay teacher makes the list of John Doe’s biggest bothers?
by Janice D. Soderling
(With apologies to Patrick Henry)
I know not what course
Others may take.
But as for me,
Give me liberty
Or a tax break.
by Clyde Always
“South Carolina state troopers chase wild pig that halted traffic on busy interstate”
—New York Post
Higgledy-piggledy,
South Carolinian,
nearly outrunning a
couple of cops,
stoutly resisted and
hyperaggressively
oinked as the officers
busted his chops.
by Bruce Bennett
Musk and Trump. Trump and Musk.
Fighting now from dawn to dusk.
Who will win? Who will lose?
A plague on both! It’s hard to choose.
