by Julia Griffin

For Maria; without permission

“Researchers this week claimed to have found the final resting place of [Plato], a patch in the garden
of his Athens Academy, after scanning [with broadband infrared light] an ancient papyrus scroll recovered
from the library of a Herculaneum villa that was buried when Mount Vesuvius erupted in AD79.”
—The Guardian

We’ve traced him, then: close to the Muses’ shrine,
Inside a private garden—with his friends,
But not quite of them. A recovered line
From a long-scorched papyrus scroll extends
Our knowledge: it’s a method (Plato’s word)
None of those Old Academicians could
Have dreamed. With nothing to be disinterred,
This can’t affect him now, for bad or good.
Here once his pupils mourned: Demetrius,
Erastus, Aristotle, the cross-dressed
Axiotheia; did they weep and fuss?
Or did they, following his old behest,
Focus their minds on vital matters—not
The body but beyond: *Then what? Then what ..?*

by Alex Steelsmith

“The ‘world’s largest’ vacuum to suck climate pollution out of the air just opened… a technology designed to…
strip out the carbon using chemicals [and] transport the carbon underground where it will be
naturally transformed… [in a] sequestration process.”
—CNN

Merrily, merrily,
modern technology
comes to the rescue like
never before,

thanks to a supersized
carbon-sequestering
vacuum that nature will
never abhor.

by Steven Kent

“[National Enquirer Publisher] David Pecker… wrapped up his testimony on Friday afternoon after cross-
examination by Trump’s legal team. … Pecker said he had agreed to help Trump keep bad stories out of the news. …
He said explicitly, and repeatedly, that he had been doing so to help Trump’s election chances.”
—The Guardian

Though Trump tries to stay in a bubble,
His woes in the world seem to double:
The judge is quite sore,
And it’s clear that once more
Donald’s Pecker has got him in trouble.

by Marshall Begel

“Tom Brady accused of ruining collectibles with shoddy autograph…”
—USA Today

We’ve come, Mr. Brady, enamored and humble.
But frankly, you’ve given us cause to call, “Fumble!”

Behind every scrimmage, we fans had your back—
We’d curse any ref who permitted a sack.
Each Super Bowl win made us proud and elated.
We never suspected those balls were deflated.
Though Patriot boosters for twenty-odd years,
We rooted (discreetly) for your Buccaneers.

The fans have delivered you stature and fame—
The least you could do is to WRITE YOUR DAMN NAME!

by Paul Lander

“The Kristi Noem puppy-killing scandal, explained”
—Vox

Gov. Noem’s dog Cricket
Must’ve been right on her foot
When she shot the pooch.

by Julia Griffin

“4 Escaped Zebras Spotted on Washington State Highway”
—The New York Times

As if we needed more foreboding dramas,
Here comes the latest news flash from North Bend:
Four zebras pound the highway—it’s the end!
Lo! the Apocalypse, in striped pajamas!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“‘The Guardian lights very well’: how newspaper came to aid of stranded geologist
When Bryn Austin, 71, lost his bearings on an unstable cliff his favourite paper
kept him warm and helped start fire to alert rescuers”
—The Guardian

A daily Guardian looks after you,
Defending you against discomfort and
Adversity: When rocks that you accrue,
In studying the sliding of the land,
Look muddyish, your Guardian will let
You wrap them up in it. And lest your bum
Get damp, it shields you when the ground is wet.
Up cloistered cliffs, from which the drop is plumb
And where you freeze, your Guardian is what
Reheats your legs. It’s even there to get
Destroyed for you by fire to light your spot …
If no such bother, though, has happened yet,
A Guardian can entertain instead:
News snippets and the letters can be read!

by Alex Steelsmith

“Sen. John Hoeven said he has secured a commitment from the National Park Service to maintain wild horses
in [Theodore Roosevelt National Park]… the Park Service will abandon its proposed removal of the horses…’”
—AP

Said Hoeven: The Park Service plan to remove
its free-roaming hooved ones will never behoove
the park, and it’s not what the public endorses.
The Park Service heard, and it’s holding its horses.

by Steven Kent

“Workers at far-right site Gateway Pundit feared credibility issues, filing shows”
—The Guardian

Extra, Extra! Gateway Pundit might be less than credible!
(And water’s wet, the sun is hot, and hemlock is inedible.)

by Simon MacCulloch

“Designer… sentenced to prison for smuggling crocodile and python handbags.”
—The Guardian

The law, it seems, allows
For handbags made of cows,
But has you breaking rocks
For handbags made of crocs.

You’re better selling fakes
Than handbags made of snakes,
For what we all espouse
Is handbags made of cows.

So if you care to browse
The fashions, think of cows,
Whose deeply plaintive moo
Is how they think of you.

by Marshall Begel

“Harry Styles stalker jailed for sending him 8,000 cards in a month”
—The Guardian

She sent a celebrity eight thousand letters.
Convicted of stalking, she’s shackled in fetters.
To stay out of trouble, I won’t cross that line—
I’ll send seven thousand…
…and nine ninety-nine!

by Dan Campion

“After Months of Gibberish, Voyager 1 Is Communicating Well Again”
—Scientific American

Alone in desert waste immense,
Dear Voyager, you’re making sense.
Would that, back here where dunces dwell,
We could communicate so well.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“How to help reduce climate change by what you eat”
—BBC

It needn’t mean a drastic change in diet,
Like cutting down on meat and guzzling greens;
A modest change can help to curb emissions—
Try cutting back a bit on refried beans.

by Nora Jay

“Centuries-old cherries found hidden in bottles under floor at George Washington’s home
Archaeologist says cherries ‘can provide us with valuable insight and perspective into 18th
century lives’”
—The Guardian

When Georgie took his little axe
And felled his father’s favorite tree,
The fruit fell with it. Friends, relax!
It was not wasted, as you see.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘Male’ hippo in Japan zoo found to be female after 7 years”
—BBC

What first aroused a keeper to suspect it,
Were little things that seemed unmasculine;
Like when it met another female hippo,
It didn’t try to suck its belly in.