by Iris Herriot
“[A]n algorithm has come up with the ‘best’ expletive ever”
—The Guardian
An algorithm’s vilest curseword,
When run through an extensive test,
Was “BER.” Can you conceive a worse word?—
Ha! Something humans still do best!
by Marshall Begel
“Elephants’ Giant Hot Testicles Might Be the Reason They Get Less Cancer…
[scientist Fritz Vollrath hypothesizes] in the journal Trends in Ecology and Evolution…”
—Scientific American
Newsflash to journals like
Trends in Ecology,
Publishing findings of
Fritz and his cronies:
Anyone dealing with
Human oncology
Knows fighting cancer takes
Massive cojones!
by Julia Griffin
“United flight to Amsterdam reportedly diverted to Chicago over meal choice
An unruly passenger was allegedly upset about the menu and raised a stink after plane
took off from Houston”
—The Guardian
Just off the ground, the pilot was alerted:
“Unruly type, allegedly upset!”
The plane was then reportedly diverted.
(The other passengers were not, I’d bet.)
by Stephen Gold
“Brad, Angelina and the grapes of wrath
The actress’s lawyers claim that her ex-husband’s interest
in viniculture is an affectation.”
—The Times
In old Provence, there’s been a stink,
And things are far from in the pink.
The ground resounds with vintage whines,
Alleging venal deeds with vines.
What is fermenting such ill will?
The truth is easy to distill,
For once we’ve siphoned off the glitz,
We see what’s left. It’s just the Pitts.
by Clyde Always
“‘No-Quit’ Notice In McDonald’s Forbidding Employees From Quitting Sparks Angry Debate…”
—Yahoo! News
“I’ve banned the act of quitting,”
one franchisee explains.
“How terribly befitting,”
cry those who work in chains.
by Nora Jay
“Pornhub is blocking access from users in Mississippi, Virginia and Utah,
which have recently passed laws that require age verification to access adult websites. …
If you try to navigate to Pornhub… you’ll see adult star Cherie DeVille explain
these risks in a safe-for-work video.”
—TechCrunch
“When You Try to Watch Pornhub in Utah, You See Me Instead. Here’s Why… writes… Cherie DeVille”
—Rolling Stone
When you try to watch Pornhub in Utah,
You see me instead. Here is why:
The State wants to hack your computah—
To snoop, to invade, and to spy.
The problem, reduced to its core/nub,
Is ignorance, rife in UT.
That’s why, when you try to watch Pornhub,
You see, but don’t really see, me.
by Alex Steelsmith
“[D]ivers and snorkelers listened to an underwater concert that advocated coral reef protection
Saturday in the Florida Keys. … [Water-themed popular songs were] piped undersea through
waterproof speakers suspended… above the reef.”
—AP News
Merrily, merrily,
popular melodies,
flowing through tropical
waters with ease,
seem to be layered with
polytonality,
playing in tune with the
Florida Keys.
Teemingly, streamingly,
coral reef denizens
gladly accompany
numbers like these,
consorts of fishes and
foraminifera
singing, with polyps, a
coral reprise.
by Brian Allgar
“Carrie and Boris Johnson have announced the birth of their third child…
Frank Alfred Odysseus Johnson.”
—The Guardian
After so many lies, corrupt and rank,
At last there is a Johnson who is Frank.
by Laura J. Bobrow
“Massive dust cloud heading toward US may dim the sky this weekend.”
—Accuweather
I have been known to mop and dust,
though only when I really must.
If company is coming, there
is not a dustball anywhere.
But now I hear, to my delight,
A huge dust cloud is in our sight.
It soon will turn the skies opaque.
It’s not my fault, for heaven’s sake,
but now, for once, I’m dusting-free.
Why go and waste my energy?
My guests will have to understand,
this dust is just Sahara sand.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Hachiko: the world’s most loyal dog turns 100”
—BBC News
Drop in on Tokyo,
And everywhere
You’ll hear nostalgic cheers
For Good Dog Hachiko,
Still standing there
After 100 years.
by Ruth S. Baker
“Archaeologists hunt for burial site of [Nancy, a] famous 19th-century elephant
in Gloucestershire”
—The Guardian
The elephant buried in Gloucester
Was Nancy: too long we have loucester!
When the experts exhume
The remains from a tomb,
Let us hope it is not some impoucester.
by Marshall Begel
“Someone Threw Their Mother’s Ashes on Stage During Pink’s Performance in London”
—Rolling Stone
For my remains, I tend to think
Of artists more my age than Pink.
So if I’m failed by penicillin,
Share my ashes with Bob Dylan.
Or maybe just arrange my bones
On stage among The Rolling Stones.
If I could join their ranks instead,
Consider me The Grateful Dead.
by Brian Allgar
“An American man brought a live lobster from his local supermarket home in 2021 as an experiment,
to see if he could keep it alive, and to his amazement, his pet, Leon the Lobster, is still thriving—
now… he admits the crustacean must have a special place in his heart.”
—PA Media
Spinily-brinily,
Leon the Lobster’s a
Crustacealogical
Pet in a shell.
Close to his master’s heart,
Let’s hope that Leon will
Not find a place in his
Stomach as well.
by Steven Kent
“Cheaper Than Water? Retailers Try to Unload Bud Light…
Nearly three months after the transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney posted a video
on her Instagram account to promote a Bud Light contest, setting off online outrage from the right
and a boycott, the beer brand is still struggling to win back loyal, longtime customers.”
—The New York Times
The Champ fell fast from first to second. Why?
“Go woke, go broke,” say those who now don’t buy.
Yet Busch wins big when all is said and done:
They brew beers Number Two and Number One.
But take in this debate what side you will,
Bud Light remains a most godawful swill.
Its place, in fact, is fitting in the queue:
That lager tastes a lot like Number Two!
by Chris O’Carroll
“A majority of the House Freedom Caucus voted to remove GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene
of Georgia . . . [One congressman] cited the confrontation between Greene and GOP Rep. Lauren Boebert
of Colorado as ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’ that led to her ouster.
[CNN reported] that Greene called Boebert ‘a little bitch’…”
—CNN
The MAGA Caucus made a switch,
Decided it was time to ditch
Not Boebert but the other one.