by Paul Lander

Writers’ Strike Haiku:

by Ruth S. Baker

“Woman wins UK cheese rolling race despite being knocked unconscious
‘It feels great,’ said Canadian Delaney Irving, victor of the women’s race at Coopers Hill…”
—The Guardian

Canada’s Delaney Irving,
Victor verily deserving,
Rolled a mighty double gloucester,
Careless what her triumph cost her.
Though she’d lain unconscious, still,
On the slopes of Coopers Hill,
Waking, she was quick to state
What she felt was simply “great”
While the cheese wheel (questioned later)
Claimed that what it felt was grater.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Huge prehistoric-looking creature spotted in California lake… [is the] alligator snapping turtle,
[which] can reach up to 175 pounds… ‘They’ll eat anything… If you put your foot in front of it, it will bite you’…
They’ve been known to bite the legs off birds floating in the water.”
—The Sacramento Bee

Haplessly, hopelessly,
peaceable waterbirds
don’t stand a chance against
snappers who sup,

though with their obvious
vulnerabilities
everyone wants them to
have a leg up.

Frustrated, flustrated,
petrified bird lovers
don’t take a stand, though they
hardly approve.

No one can blame them for
pusillanimity;
putting one’s foot down is
not a good move.

by Marshall Begel

“A British IT worker who has been on sick leave since 2008 sued IBM
for not giving him a pay raise during the time he was off work.”
—Insider

From my point of view, my raise is past due,
And not just for grace and goodwill.
For though it is true that there’s nothing I do,
It’s done with exceptional skill!

by Julia Griffin

(with thanks to Rodgers & Hammerstein)

“Firefighting goats could be furloughed due to California employment law
Targeted grazing is part of California’s strategy to reduce wildfire risk because goats can eat
a wide variety of vegetation, including on steep, rocky terrain that’s hard for others to access. …
But new state labor regulations are making it more expensive to provide goat-grazing services,
and herding companies say the rules threaten to put them out of business. … The goat-grazing industry
is pushing the state legislature to approve legislation that would treat goatherds the same as shepherds.
A bill to do so hasn’t yet received a public hearing.”
—The Guardian

High on a hill sits a furloughed goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo:
Such is the will of a legal dotard.
Hey ee who will pay ee is it you?

Goats kept the fire from the crops (bean, oat, urd)
They ee night and day ee cropped the dry grass through;
Now, though, the prices will soar per goatherd:
Vae ee poor CA ee you should sue.

Not OK ee, folks’ll say ee
“Goats away ee, sheep can stay ee”—
So just pray ee for delay ee
Modal yodel internodal
Boo!

by Philip Kitcher

“Record number of lighthouses being offered to the public during 2023 ‘Lighthouse Season'”
—GSA.gov

The overweening might of GPS
has made irrelevant this potent tower.
We offer you a waterfront address
to help the world appreciate your power.

Nighttime will bring distractions to amuse
your visitors, when you fire up the tip,
flash herky-jerky signals to confuse
the maidens on some passing pleasure-ship.

Here you will satisfy your deep desires
in showing off your fully-moated palace,
(at least, till vulgar jealousy inquires
what it is like to live inside a phallus.)

by Alex Steelsmith

“In the future, fine-tuning nature’s quantum properties could enable researchers to develop
therapeutic devices that are noninvasive, remotely controlled and accessible with a mobile phone.
Electromagnetic treatments could potentially be used to prevent and treat disease, such as
brain tumors…”
—The Conversation

Happily, hopefully,
quantum biology
might give your cell phone new
whistles and bells,

changing the future of
cytotechnology;
cell phones are perfect for
managing cells.

by Steven Kent

“Tucker Carlson is out at Fox News but welcome on Russian TV
The ousted anchor was offered work by state-run news channels in Moscow
that echo much of his conspiratorial rhetoric on the war in Ukraine.”
—NBC News

The bosses told me, “Hire Tucker C;
Those liberals in the West all want to flay him.”
Before, he gladly pled our cause for free,
But darn it, now we’re gonna have to pay him!

by Alex Steelsmith

“Scientists can now obtain electricity from a living plant.”
—National Geographic

Happily,
scientists
show we might
get

perfectly
natural
power plants
yet.

*Welcome to Light‘s first-ever single dactyl! (We’re pretty sure it’s the world’s first, too.)
For Alex Steelsmith’s guide to this spin on the tried-and-true double dactyl, click here.

by Julia Griffin

For Tam

“A life-sized bust of the King has been made from more than 17 litres (3.7 gallons) of melted chocolate
ahead of his coronation. … Miniature bars of Snickers, Mars, Twix, Milky Way, Galaxy and Bounty were among
those used to decorate the model. … The bust is set to go on display at the firm’s headquarters in Slough.”
—BBC News

In fond anticipation of the Day,
The nation’s rapt, declaring Chocs Away!
Let’s hear it for this Slough of sweet Delight,
Inspiring patriotic appetite!
This is no time for sneery Snickering:
No longer on the shelf, HM the King
Shows, through this tastefullest of avatars,
An air of Bounty, and an eye like Mars.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Every fraud claim I was asked to investigate was false.”
—Ken Block, founder of Simpatico Software Systems,
a company to which the Trump campaign paid $750,000
in a bid to substantiate its election fraud fabrications

It wasn’t rigged, he wasn’t robbed,
Those claims all proved untrue.
He didn’t want to know he was
A loser, but he knew.