by Marshall Begel
Mother arrested after she “reportedly mixed lemon juice, vinegar, salt and Gatorade together
in a sports bottle… and told her son to give it to a [bully] who had stolen his drink the day before…”
—ABC News
Double, double, I’m in trouble—
Vengeful plans reduced to rubble.
Brewed a dreadful punch to chug,
Made a bully less than smug.
Juice of lemon, spoon of salt,
Bring aggression to a halt.
Vinegar and Gatorade,
Guarantee the point is made.
Clueless bully took the drink.
Sheriff puts me in the clink!
Maybe there are better ways—
Next time, day-old mayonnaise?
by Alex Steelsmith
“United plane drops tire, smashing cars, as it departs SFO.”
—Los Angeles Times
Certainly
somebody
ought to be
fired.
Also, the
airliner
should be re-
tired.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Fifty people treated after ‘technical problem’ caused ‘strong movement’ on… flight from Sydney”
—The Guardian
I’ve always been a very nervous flyer;
A tiny bump would have me in a stew.
If I was on a plane that started dropping,
I think I’d have a sudden movement too.
by Stephen Gold
“Plan for only two patrol cars to cover all roads in Scotland… between 3 am and 7 am”
—The Times
Hello! Police! There’s been a crash,
You’ve got to send a crew!
The road to Auchtermuchty’s blocked,
We don’t know what to do!
Don’t panic Sir, we’re on our way
To get you out your fix.
Right now, it’s just gone 3 pm,
We’ll rush to you by 6.
by Julia Griffin
For Mary
“Chocolate chip ice cream, once a year-round staple, has fallen out of favor… [One manufacturer said] chocolate chip has become ‘a market-specific flavor based on consumer preferences.’”
—The New York Times
Market-specific—that eternal flavor?
Consumer preferences? What stupid clown
Decides this? My old favorite’s out of favor???
It’s time to heat things up! The chips are down!
by Julia Griffin
“Joe Biden confuses Gaza with Ukraine in airdrop announcement”
—The Guardian
Life can’t be easy in the highest sphere.
The Presidency’s not a sinecure,
(Though Air Force One is comfortable, I hear,
And White House life has some distinct allure—
At least from what I gathered on the tour);
My point, however, is the stress and strain,
Which sometimes leads to slips one might deplore:
Like meaning “Gaza” when one says “Ukraine.”
When these occur, the other side will jeer,
And journalists act snide or faux-demure,
While chosen spokesters struggle to appear
Delighted to take questions from the floor,
And wholly unafraid of an encore.
The President, they’ll stonily explain,
Is weary; it is obvious, therefore,
We should think “Gaza” when we hear “Ukraine.”
There still remains three-quarters of a year
Before we’re in that polling booth once more,
Drawn, maybe, less by eagerness than fear;
When the alternative’s a vicious boor,
Bully, and fraud, with debts and writs galore—
Someone whose rightful domicile’s a drain—
Let’s pray the public’s able to endure
One who for “Gaza” sometimes says “Ukraine.”
ENVOI
Oh, Mr. President! Your heart is pure
(Or more or less): you’re decent and humane;
I’ll vote for you, but God! Would I were sure
You don’t mean “Gaza” when you say “Ukraine.”
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“The Woolly mammoth could be brought back from extinction in just four years”
—Metro
But wouldn’t global warming be a problem?
Perhaps not in the very early years,
But once they’re fully grown and really shaggy,
The vet’ll need a massive pair of shears.
by Steven Kent
“Fury after Exxon chief says public to blame for climate failures [:]
Darren Woods tells Fortune consumers not willing to pay for clean-energy transition…”
—The Guardian
You cheapskates never understood:
Big Oil did everything we could.
You surely didn’t think, I trust,
We’d take a chance on going bust
By making one less dollar here—
No, that’s a far more pressing fear
Among the C-suite types like me
Than climate instability.
Consumers have to take the blame
Since Exxon is immune to shame;
You wouldn’t do your part, so now
The seas keep heating up (and how),
Destroying reefs and fish in schools—
How do you sleep, you greedy fools?
by Simon MacCulloch
“A University of Aberdeen team found a section of DNA which ‘switches’ on key genes
in parts of the brain that affect anxiety levels in mice. They found removal of the ‘switch’
increased anxiety in the animals.”
—PA Media
If I had woken up today
To find they’d swiped some DNA
I too, I think, would likely see
An increase in anxiety.
by Dan Campion
“A Swimming Dinosaur? Maybe Not, Study Says”
—The New York Times
Did Spinosaurus swim, or not?
The experts don’t agree.
Their backs are up. Their discord’s hot,
As “prickly” as can be.
I only know, were I a fish
Sometime in the Cretaceous,
It would have been my fondest wish
To dodge its jaws predaceous.
by Julia Griffin
“Tube of Ancient Red Lipstick Unearthed in Iran… The lipstick dates to between 1936 and 1687 B.C.E.,
according to a study … [A]nalysis revealed that the powder is made of hematite…, manganite, braunite, galena,
anglesite and plant-based waxes. This mixture… ‘bears a striking resemblance to the recipes of contemporary
lipsticks.’ … While researchers now know more about the vial’s contents, its owner remains mysterious.”
—Smithsonian
A thousand years and more before great Cyrus,
Beauties in Persia murmured: “Come admire us!”
And, seeking something sensuous yet zippy,
They summoned forth the world’s first scarlet lippy.
Cyrus was born and died. His Empire followed;
Conqueror Alexander’s soon was swallowed
By Rome’s. It fell. So, later, did the British.
Now, with America on top, this skittish
Adornment is unearthed, and how we prize it!
Solemn researchers rush to analyze it,
And find therein, through their exacting praxis,
Galena, anglesite, and plant-based waxes.
“How like,” they cry, “how curiously similar
The wares today of Revlon and of Rimmel are!”—
And all experience the reassurance
Evoked by tokens of our own endurance.
Still, there’s a warning, too, that time’s dispensing
For those today whose trade is influencing:
Those Persian belles: we know their lips were glowing,
But who they were, we have no way of knowing.
by Marshall Begel
In Limerick, Ireland, a judge tosses a woman’s £650,000 injury claim after she was “pictured winning
a Christmas tree-throwing contest”
—Telegraph
Her ill-gotten settlement bought
A comfortable life—so she thought—
Until it was blown
When spruces were thrown,
And she was the one who was caught.
by Philip Kitcher
When a benefit’s bestowed
Fair returns are always owed:
We should thank him for the favors that he did,
Grant his plea, allow a stay,
Help his efforts to delay.
Every quo should have some corresponding quid.
If we violate this norm,
We shall summon up a storm.
He will know we knew what actions he’d forbid.
He’ll annul the Constitution
To exact his retribution,
For each quo must always have its proper quid.
by Stephen Gold
“Peppa Pig accused of turning American children into brats”
—The Times
You know how pigs aren’t meant to fly?
Well, here is one who’s fled her sty,
And landed in the USA.
We wish that she would go away!
So far from being heaven-sent,
She’s grumpy, rude and truculent,
With manners way across the line.
What is it with this surly swine?
Oh Peppa, had you been discreet,
And taught our children to be sweet,
Offense would never have been taken.
Grunting, dear, won’t save your bacon.
by Ruth S. Baker
“The Eurasian eagle owl named Flaco, which escaped New York City’s Central Park Zoo last year,
has died after crashing into a building in Manhattan… [Some] speculate that the bird was in search
of love whenever he ventured away from Central Park.”
—The Guardian
It’s news to make New Yorkers choke:
Their owl’s disastrous fall;
He soared in search of love, and broke.
Oh, Flaco! Don’t we all?
