Poems of the Week

Intractable

by Clyde Always

“CHP Baffled As Same Sinkhole… Claims Three Vehicles—All Because Drivers Ignore Road Closure Signs”
—SFist

Barricade, Schmarricade!
CHP Officers,
vexed as preventable
breakdowns abound,

hyperemphatically
warn against motorists
driving their vehicles
into the ground.

Republicans at Prayer

by Philip Kitcher

” … Republicans have insisted that they want ‘structural’ fiscal changes in exchange for voting to raise
the borrowing cap, but they have so far declined to offer a cohesive plan outlining what programs
they would cut.”
—The New York Times

Lord, we cry out in despair.
We have tried to trim expense:
Should we cut back on defense?
Take an axe to Medicare?
Now we turn to You and plead:
Waive the laws You have decreed!
Grant the miracle we need!

Even in a balanced budget,
Many handouts must remain,
Or our voters will complain.
We can find no way to fudge it—
Calculations make us sick.
Teach us, Lord, some simple trick!
Save us from arithmetic!

A Break with Tradition

by Alex Steelsmith

“The pontiff [said he sustained]… a slight bone fracture in his knee from a fall…”
—AP

Slippety trippety,
Jorge Bergoglio
tumbled. Thank heavens, the
damage was small.

Still, some consider it
counterintuitive.
Popes are infallible;
how can they fall?

Classified Documents

by Christopher Scribner

First came Donald Trump and then came Biden,
and lately to the list we add Mike Pence.
Top Secret papers need a place to hide in,
like houses owned by these distinguished gents.

It’s time we searched the homes of Rockefeller,
Van Buren, Gore, and Colfax for a few;
John Adams’ attic, Agnew’s musty cellar—
and now George Santos claims he has some too.

Husband Material

by Clyde Always

“Women reveal they are deleting dating apps in favor of ‘hunting for husbands’ at HOME DEPOT…”
—Daily Mail

Endlessly swiping through dastardly duds?
Head to Home Depot for quality studs.

Little Match People

by Julia Griffin

“[P]eople are using ChatGPT to chat with matches on Tinder”
—Mashable

I’m chatting with matches on Tinder:
I sound like a bore and a liar.
What is there to help and not hinder
My efforts at lighting their fire?

It’s CHAT, and it’s hot as a brazier!
It’s CHAT with a G, P, and T:
And given I’m slower and lazier,
Who’d want to make do with just me?

Serenade for a Lovesick Speaker

by Philip Kitcher

“I’ll never leave that woman.”
—Kevin McCarthy

You shine out with a radiance I ought to have seen.
I was blind, and I followed the party routine,
So I shunned QAnon—
Now the blinkers are gone.
How I blush for my past! What a fool I have been!
Here’s my pledge—I won’t leave you, sweet Marjorie Greene.

You’re a vision transcending the humdrum and mean,
Gulping cash like the fanciest Vegas machine.
(I admire, I confess,
Your fundraising success,
And I’ll punish those critics who think it obscene.)
Let us share all our bounties, sweet Marjorie Greene.

I’ll do penance for sin till my conscience is clean.
I’m on fire with the zeal of a love-stricken teen.
I’ll no longer dissemble,
I flutter and tremble.
How I long to embrace you and crown you my queen!
We shall shake up the world, my sweet Marjorie Greene.

I’ve Just Seen a Face

by Steven Kent

“Trump mistook rape accuser for his ex-wife in deposition”
—CNN

Rapery japery–
Trump, former president,
Saw his accuser (who’s
Rightly aggrieved),

Called her his ex. Was he
Opportunistically
Feigning insanity?
I sure believed!

Harry’s Last Curry

by Nora Jay

“Restaurant responds after woman spots dead husband in new promo footage…
Lucy Watson was certain she saw [her late husband in the video, eating at the Indian restaurant.] …
‘The moment I saw the thing I thought, ‘Oh my God—that’s Harry’. …
He’d be eating a chicken korma because that’s all he ever ate.’”
—LAD Bible

“I know that man—I was his wife!
It’s Harry—lately ‘late’”
Cried Mrs. Lucy Watson, sparking drama;
So can this be his afterlife?
Is “all he ever ate”
His lot henceforth—a ghostly chicken karma?

Spouting Off

by Ruth S. Baker

“Man who was ‘swallowed’ whole by whale says he only realised what had happened once it went dark”
—LAD Bible

“Whale meat vending machines open in Japan”
—Boston Herald

Whale swallows man!
Hard subject for raillery:
At least in Japan,
World center of whalery.

Whale meat for sale!
But think of your sanity:
First check out your whale
For signs of humanity.

Scarabée du cuir des fruits

by Dan Campion

“Fine Dining and the Ethics of Noma’s Meticulously Crafted Fruit Beetle”
—The New York Times

To craft a beetle out of fruits
An unpaid intern toiled
So VIPs in tasteful suits
Were spared an evening spoiled

By lesser, vulgar, amuse-bouches.
I think of Chaplin’s shoe,
The one he ate in Gold Rush, louche,
But tromp l’oeil that rang true.

The Rescuers

by Bruce Bennett

“An ant’s sense of smell is so strong, it can sniff out cancer”
—The Washington Post

An ant can sniff out cancer?
Whoever would have thought
that we would find the answer
through ants that can be taught

To locate with antennae
what soon might make us ill?
May I remember when I
am told that I must kill

The ones that swarm our table.
They’re welcome to my food.
As long as I am able,
I’ll let them. Why be rude

Instead of being grateful?
Why listen to one’s wife
and act as if they’re hateful?
An ant can save your life!

Micro-Achievement

by Iris Herriot

“Chef releases 20 cockroaches into restaurant kitchen after fight over unpaid holiday pay”
—LAD Bible

This cheap encroachment on my pay
Outstripped reproach and scornful looks.
I broached it thus a different way:
A new approach for cocky cooks.

Hurdy-Birdy

by Julia Griffin

“Birdsong boosts mental wellbeing for 90% of people, UK poll finds”
—The Guardian

That 10%—a mighty throng,
In fact some seven million strong—
Receives no kind of mental boost
Or happiness when introduced
To liquid sounds of blackbird song

Appalls me. Do they want a gong?
Tones sweeter than a scuppernong
Have not, apparently, seduced
That 10%.

To what strange cult do these belong?
What ups their mental state —mah jongg?
An hour with Wittgenstein or Proust?
Would Super-Wordle get them juiced?
Or might this poll malign and wrong
That 10%?

How the Cookie Crumbles