by Stephen Gold

“Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are experiencing growing pains finding a path to… success in Hollywood.”
—People

(With apologies to Kipling)

If you can’t spend a day without complaining
That someone in your family’s a rat;
If you behave as though it’s always raining
In your palatial, sun-drenched habitat;
If common sense does not prevent you whining
About the tragic burden of your load,
Or noticing your vacuous opining
Is why you’re running out of gilded road;
If you portray yourselves as two uplifters,
Whose mission is to stir our mortal soul,
But are dismissed as just a pair of grifters,
A waste of time and money on the whole;
If you can’t see that much you have been given
Has less to do with merit than dumb luck,
Don’t be surprised so many have been driven
To look at you and think, “Who gives a fuck?”

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“Overworked and Underpaid, VFX [visual-effects] Workers Vote to Unionize at Marvel”
—Vulture

VFX crews unionize!
Historic! Unforgettable!
If Marvel fails to meet their terms,
Will Hulk look simply Credible?

by Matt Schatz

“I think it’s only a matter of time before AI will
be able to beat any writer in a blind creative taste test”
—Time

(With apologies to Kilmer)

I think AI could never be
A TV writer good as me.

A guy who says, “I’m so deprest”
While dripping eel sauce on his chest;

A scribe who stares at screens all day,
And lifts his arms and screams, “Oy vey;”

A man that may in summer wear
That viral sweater from The Bear;

Something something writer’s block;
Who rents a place in Eagle Rock.

Scripts are made by fools like me,
AI can 3D print a tree.

by Marshall Begel

“Woman [with hyperlactation syndrome] sets world record for largest individual breast milk donation”
—Scripps News

Some heroes fight fires or safeguard the law,
But this one employs a maternity bra.

When faced with the prospect of hyperlactation,
She pledged that her excess would go for donation!

Her time and convenience were never an issue,
And neither were aches in her mammary tissue.

For she knew the need and that giving a lot’ll
Sustain countless babies who still take a bottle.

She filled up containers, from tumbler to liter,
And broke the world record—no woman could beat her!

And now she is done and can hang up her pump—
Until she starts showing her next baby bump!

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“Jon Rahm’s ‘crazy’ request for the PGA Tour…”
—CNN

When you’re a two-time major champ, you know
A grasp of irons number one and two
Need not imply an iron bladder, though
The PGA’s expecting it of you.
If chased all day by fans of golf, your sport,
No bush is safe for you to pee behind.
Good money’s nice, but when you’re taken short,
A tee-tee, not the tee, is on your mind.
The fans who pan the drive that hits the rough
Excoriate your stance: “Too tightly crossed
Encumbered legs.” Since you can’t pee enough,
The bladder’s where the lead you had is lost …
Executives of PGA, have soul—
Erect a porta-potty at each hole!

by Steven Kent

“Rudy Giuliani Transcripts in Full: Read Text of Shocking Conversations”
—Newsweek

“Bigoted, antisemitic, gross: Rudy Giuliani finds an even lower low”
—The Guardian

The Red Sea parted, right? Big deal!
So why relive it? What a bore.
This happened many times before
(I don’t have proof, but know it’s real).

Your t*ts are mine—I love those things—
But though you’re sexy and have smarts,
Forget the union of our hearts;
Just hit the floor and spread your wings.

Matt Damon’s short and he likes men.
Believe me, Jewish husbands shrink.
Italian guys? The best, I think—
We’ll do it time and time again.

My reputation may be gone,
But frankly I don’t give a damn.
Girl, you know what a stud I am—
Hey, why’s that tape recorder on?

by Alex Steelsmith

“[A retired bishop who] has unsuccessfully sought to be removed from the priesthood…
recently married a woman in a civil ceremony… [He has] said he wanted to be laicized,
or returned to the lay state… [which] would have relieved him of his celibacy obligations.”
—AP

Biggily wiggily
Vatican patriarchs
might have been more than a
little dismayed.

One of their formerly
celibatarian
bishops apparently
got himself layed.

by Kaitlyn Spees

“Elon Musk said X, formerly known as Twitter, will cover the legal costs of anyone
who gets in trouble with their boss for their activity on his social media platform.”
—NPR

So I’ll start tweeting potshots at my boss
to siphon off a bit of sweet Musk money.
“You look just like a giant albatross!”
I’ll tweet, a petty potshot at my boss—
But somehow I don’t think he’ll be too cross;
In fact I know he’ll even find it funny
Since we’ll have planned it out—me and my boss—
To help fund work with all that sweet Musk money.

by Steven Kent

“‘Project 2025’: plan to dismantle climate policy for next US Republican president”
—The Guardian

Manic time, panic time:
Charles Koch, billionaire,
Funds public policy
Scorching the clime.

Profits, not people: his
Characteristically
Callous approach might just
Kill us in time.

Dying out, crying out—
David, late brother, tries
Hard to reach Charles (though
Likely too late),

Warns him, I’m burning, man—
Money means nothing here.
Think you’re hot now? Dear God,
Buddy, just wait!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Furious cow rams and overturns motorcycle while rider tries to escape”
—Independent

The biker was revving his engine too loud,
But not any longer—he’s thoroughly cowed.

by Julia Griffin

“Chinese zoo denies its sun bears are humans dressed in costumes
Hangzhou zoo insists animals are real after video of one standing on hind legs
triggers online speculation…”
—The Guardian

“’Some people think I look too human when I stand up,’ the Hangzhou Zoo’s statement said.”
—The New York Times

I want this video’d, not versified,
The proof I’m bear, not human, ursified.
I stood upon my hind legs. What of that?
Has no one seen a meerkat acrobat?
I like at times to rest my foremost paws,
Or, possibly, to win some slight applause;
And if I waved, I merely meant to say:
“Thank you. I see you. Please, now, go away.”

by Dan Campion

“Trump’s indictment for Jan. 6 turns Mike Pence into a litmus test”
—Politico

Mike’s dipped into a turbid brew.
Hypothesis: He’ll turn deep red,
Or hang, plumb neutral, down, instead—
Anything but come out blue.

by Bruce Bennett

“The new indictment alleges that Trump demanded that security footage at his Mar-a-Lago estate be deleted
after investigators visited… . The indictment says that in late June 2022, [Mar-a-Lago property manager]
De Oliveira… asked [another] employee how many days the server retained surveillance footage
and said ‘the boss’ wanted the server deleted.”
—AP

Lawyer up.
That’s the thing.
Down the cup.
Do not sing.

That’s the way.
Do not stool.
Boss will pay.
That’s the rule.

by Marshall Begel

“People should stare disapprovingly at smokers if they light up in public places,
Hong Kong’s Health Minister has said…”
—The Telegraph

I watched her light up and inhale her first hit.
She flicked at the filter and swallowed some spit.

Then, gazing above, looking devil-may-care,
She blew out a plume in the gray city air.

I raised up my chin so she’d notice my squint,
Convinced she would take such an obvious hint…

Till flustered, I shouted, “You selfish old bag—
At least have the kindness to give me a drag!”

by Eddie Aderne

“Americans’ belief in angels (69%) is about on par with belief in heaven and the power
of prayer, but bested by belief in God or a higher power (79%). Fewer U.S. adults believe
in the devil or Satan (56%), astrology (34%), reincarnation (34%), and that physical things
can have spiritual energies, such as plants, rivers or crystals (42%).”
—AP

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are nowhere near content
On finding that they’re doubted now by 21%,
While Gabriel and Raphael and Michael all condemn
The fact that 31% now lack belief in them.
Stars, rivers, plants, and crystals find the figures less than nifty:
Percentage-wise their backers have decreased to under 50,
But Satan, scorned by 44%, is not concerned.
“A hundred years from now,” he purrs, “I think they’ll all have learned.”