by Nora Jay
“The nonagenarian great-grandfather [Jim Arrington] spoke about how he has achieved
a level of physical fitness which is superior to that of many people more [sic] than half his age
in an interview [with] Guinness World Records, which first recognized him as the planet’s oldest bodybuilder in 2015.”
—The Guardian
Bow down, you youthful lazies!
When Jim, the true great-grand,
Starts pushing up the daisies,
He’ll push them with one hand.
by Marshall Begel
“Bird Owner Gets Surprise Police Visit After His Loud Parrot Is Mistaken for a Screaming Woman”
—People
We know that parrots imitate
The sounds that they have heard,
And even can approximate
Events that have occurred.
So when a parrot screams so well
That cops cannot discern it,
You’d think they’d ask the man, “Pray tell,
How did the parrot learn it?”
by Clyde Always
“Woman is ‘humbled’ when Hinge date asks to pop her pimple”
—Independent
This fella I’m seeing—
he isn’t too fussy.
When asked why he likes me,
he answered: “You’re pussy.”
by Dan Campion
“This fossil of a mammal biting a dinosaur captures a death battle’s final moments
‘Our best guess is that the mammal was in the middle of attacking the dinosaur,’ says…
one of the authors of the new study…”
—NPR
Cretaceous-era mammals dueled
With dinosaurs? It figures.
Our class of creatures is well schooled
In rashness and hair triggers.
by Stephen Gold
“Lawyers openly seeking extramarital affairs via online dating sites have been warned
they could ruin their careers.”
—The Times
Are you thinking of resorting
To imprudent forms of courting?
As a person of distinction at the bar,
Pause a moment, have a care,
And above all, be aware
Of the risk your name may soon be black as tar.
For if you’re the kind of louse
Who likes cheating on your spouse,
In the smug belief that nobody will know,
You’ll be in for a surprise,
And precipitous demise,
When your private life goes publicly on show.
I commend you these beliefs:
Lawyers, stay inside your briefs!
Don’t succumb to the temptations of flirtation.
Spurn the siren call of lust,
Lest disintegrating trust
Leads directly to disgust—and litigation.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Brits are ‘too poor to die’ as funeral fees rocket”
—Mirror
At first they said I’m too poor to retire,
And now they say I’m too poor to expire.
So what am I supposed to tell the Reaper?
“I’m sorry, but the fees have gotten steeper.”
by Iris Herriot
Tony Bennett, 1926-2023
He charmed the lounge, the club, the disco:
He kept the music scene delighted;
He left his heart in San Francisco.
Let’s hope they’ve now been reunited.
by Stephen Gold
“Hundreds of Arctic tern chicks killed by ‘avian flu’”
—The Times
Avian flu is a curse,
And its progress is hard to reverse.
In the Northern UK,
I am sorry to say,
Things have taken some terns for the worse.
by Ruth S. Baker
“A sea otter is stealing surfboards near Santa Cruz, California”
—The New York Times
(To the tune of “Surfin’ USA“)
If every seafront had an otter
Whose flippers worked OK,
Then there’d be no one else surfin’
In Californ-i-a;
You’d see it bitin’ that surfboard,
That angry surfer too,
Or simply ridin’ those breakers,
Just as good as you.
You’d catch that otter at Swami’s,
Or up in Santa Cruz,
Or showin’ off its fur wetsuit
Across the evenin’ news;
Sacramento to Fresno,
Whiskers gleamin’ with spray:
It’s an otter gone surfin’,
Surfin’ USA!
by Steven Kent
“US meteorologists harassed for reporting on climate crisis”
—The Guardian
Your global warming plot will not deceive—we stand together!
Who cares about the climate? We just want to hear the weather.
by Dan Campion
“Underground Heat Is Shifting Chicago’s Foundations
Basements and train tunnels constantly leak heat, causing the land to sink
and straining building foundations. Scientists call it ‘underground climate change.'”
—The New York Times
Sweet Home Chicago, my hometown,
You’re sinking from waste heat?
Wright, Sullivan, and Mies bow down
As Adler sighs defeat.
But though your architects may swoon,
You’ve always got a grift,
A poem, a trick, a catchy tune.
Your ground was made to shift!
So take a Windy City spin,
My “City on the Make”:
For Daniel Burnham’s sake, pipe in
Chill breezes from the lake.
by Iris Herriot
“[A]n algorithm has come up with the ‘best’ expletive ever”
—The Guardian
An algorithm’s vilest curseword,
When run through an extensive test,
Was “BER.” Can you conceive a worse word?—
Ha! Something humans still do best!
by Marshall Begel
“Elephants’ Giant Hot Testicles Might Be the Reason They Get Less Cancer…
[scientist Fritz Vollrath hypothesizes] in the journal Trends in Ecology and Evolution…”
—Scientific American
Newsflash to journals like
Trends in Ecology,
Publishing findings of
Fritz and his cronies:
Anyone dealing with
Human oncology
Knows fighting cancer takes
Massive cojones!
by Julia Griffin
“United flight to Amsterdam reportedly diverted to Chicago over meal choice
An unruly passenger was allegedly upset about the menu and raised a stink after plane
took off from Houston”
—The Guardian
Just off the ground, the pilot was alerted:
“Unruly type, allegedly upset!”
The plane was then reportedly diverted.
(The other passengers were not, I’d bet.)
by Stephen Gold
“Brad, Angelina and the grapes of wrath
The actress’s lawyers claim that her ex-husband’s interest
in viniculture is an affectation.”
—The Times
In old Provence, there’s been a stink,
And things are far from in the pink.
The ground resounds with vintage whines,
Alleging venal deeds with vines.
What is fermenting such ill will?
The truth is easy to distill,
For once we’ve siphoned off the glitz,
We see what’s left. It’s just the Pitts.