by Alex Steelsmith
“Scuba couple tie the knot underwater”
—1440 News
Higgledy-goggledy,
scuba-masked witnesses,
closest relations and
nearest of kin,
gazed at the wonderful
soon-to-be-newlyweds,
awed by the moment and
soaking it in.
Steadily, treadily,
wedding participants,
somehow performing with
elegant poise,
made the occasion seem
semi-traditional;
bridesmaids were girls, and the
ushers were buoys.
by Chris O’Carroll
“The Trump administration is considering a $5,000 ‘baby bonus’ to every American mother after she gives birth…”
—ABC News
Produce a kid and score a cool five grand.
Help us repopulate this once great land.
Or make it 10 grand! We will supersize you
If you choose Elon Musk to fertilize you.
by Bruce Bennett
“Astronomers Detect a Possible Signature of Life on a Distant Planet … The Trump administration is
reportedly planning to cut NASA’s science budget in half. … If that happens, [an astrobiologist] said,
‘the search for life elsewhere would basically stop.'”
—The New York Times
There may be life on K2-18b.
With any luck, we’ll someday get to see.
But meantime, there’s a problem. We now fear
there soon may be no life worth living here.
by Nora Jay
“An emotional [Katy] Perry explained her song choice [“It’s a Wonderful World”] in her landing interview
[after the first all-women space flight]. ‘… [I]t’s not about me, it’s not about singing my songs, it’s about
a collective energy in there… And it’s about this wonderful world that we see right out there and appreciating it.
This is all for the benefit of Earth.'”
—Entertainment Weekly
I see blobs of green, blue patches too:
I’m far above, with Gayle and the crew,
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world!
I see skies of blue, then more like black;
It’s good to know we’re coming back,
And I sing to the rest,
What a Wonderful World!
The contours of this spacesuit
On me are pretty great:
I’m like a Star Trek extra
From 1968;
I see five other stars looking chic in blue:
They’re really thinking, “Interview!”
It’s not about me, no, not a bit:
It’s really all
For Earth’s benefit,
And I say to Big Jeff:
“What a wonderful world …”
And I say to Big Jeff:
“What a wonderful world.”
by Alex Steelsmith
“Jeff Bezos Face-Plants While Trying to Greet Fiancée After Blue Origin Flight…
Video footage shows Bezos [falling down while] running toward the craft containing Sanchez…”
—Huffpost
Stumbledy-tumbledy,
Jeffrey P. Jorgensen
raced to the capsule and
planted his face.
Why was he rushing so
overexcitedly?
Jeffrey should know when a
woman needs space.
by Thomas Germana
“[Robert F. Kennedy Jr.] has said that the best way to prevent measles is to get vaccinated—but he has also
caused alarm among paediatricians, vaccine experts and lawmakers by promoting vitamin A and nutrition
as treatments for measles and questioning the safety testing of the MMR vaccine.”
—The Guardian
A little jab is all it takes
To make diseases hit the brakes;
A shame there doesn’t seem to be
A shot to stop stupidity.
by Steven Kent
“Couple who ran Swedish eco-resort say 158 barrels of human waste left behind ‘very normal'”
—The Guardian
We didn’t do
It wrong, okay?
We stored our poo
The normal way.
We fled because
A tax report
Made clear this was
Our last resort.
by Chris O’Carroll
“#2 after Trump for assassination”
—Elon Musk’s description of himself
Musk says that he is number two.
A claim few in the know pooh-pooh.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Fights over inheritance are rife—here’s how to bulletproof your will”
—The Telegraph
Enjoy yourself before you die
And go and see the sights,
And use up all your money
So there can’t be any fights.
And tell your children if they curse
Or beg you on their knees,
“Just think how much I’m saving you
In costly lawyers’ fees.”
by Julia Griffin
I.M. Fannie Dressler
“Healing soup recipes, Part 2: Definitely not your grandma’s chicken soup!”
—NPR
Not, not my grandma’s. She has gone
(A loss we never can recoup),
But still the legend lingers on
Of her incomparable soup.
How did she do it? We don’t know.
A chicken; onion; water; salt;
Alas! We never watched her, so
All this is guesswork. No one’s fault.
Mere memories must now suffice
Of broth to make King David sing,
And matzo balls of Paradise.
Whatever you are offering
Is not my grandma’s soup, it’s true:
I’m glad you made the most of it,
But honestly, I’m asking you—
Why ever would you boast of it?
by Paul Lander
Colossal squid filmed.
First ever on camera.
I had no inkling…
by Alex Steelsmith
“A pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises
at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents… [T]he zoo said it is
‘overjoyed’ at the arrivals of the four hatchlings, a first in its more than 150-year history.”
—The Associated Press
Higgledy-goggledy,
jubilant zookeepers
gaze at the progeny,
deeply impressed;
ancient, precarious
testudinarious
ova and testes were
up to the test!
by Clyde Always
“Female jogger reveals she open carries while working out—
and urges other women to run with a gun: ‘Protect yourself ladies’”
—New York Post
Will someone please call the police?
I’ve been shot and the bleeding won’t cease.
To the chick with the gun
who was out on a run
I exclaimed: “What a nice little piece!”
by Marshall Begel
“Billionaire televangelist slashes price on $14.6M Florida condo amid scrutiny over church wealth”
—Fox7 Austin
Some think I live by lavish means
In service to the Lord,
But those who look behind the scenes
Find nothing untoward.
This Rolex watch you see me wear
Was purchased by mistake—
The jeweler, clearly unaware,
Assured me it was fake.
Armani suits are cut so tight,
My arms are always numb.
No moral man would think it right
To give it to a bum.
My condo’s just a place to stay
Till housing markets crumble.
So, now you see the wondrous way
The Savior keeps me humble!
by Alaina Hammond
I want to put the internet on mute
I want a moratorium on news
To spare myself the poison at its root
But most of all, Dear God, how I want booze!