by Paul Lander

Jersey is so wet,
it’s more underwater than
a Trump casino.

by Steven Kent

“Wife of [Texas Attorney General] Ken Paxton Files for Divorce, Citing ‘Recent Discoveries'”
—The New York Times

Though she said her goodbyes over cheating and lies,
Mrs. Paxton is mutedly critical.
Mr. P blames divorce on opponents, of course,
And attacks he condemns as “political.”

Such a scandal-soaked dude, he’s both lucky and shrewd,
Of deception a natural expenitor.
Having learned to shift blame and to shun any shame,
He’s a shoo-in for GOP senator.

by Alex Steelsmith

“[C]ow’s milk may actually be better for you [than oat milk]… Whey protein [which is not found in oat milk]
contains branched-chain amino acids, which are beneficial for muscle growth and recovery.”
—Verywellhealth.com

Higgledy-swiggledy,
cow’s milk enthusiasts
offered alternatives
tend to convey

utter antipathy,
stereotypically
venting objections by
blurting, “No whey!”

by Clyde Always

“A man with ‘boobs’ due to a rare condition is raising funds to have them removed
because he is too [self-]conscious to take his top off on dates.”
—New York Post

Droopity-scoopity,
Thabo of Nottingham
needs a procedure but,
sadly, he’s short.

Give, if you’re able. This
gynecomastia
sufferer surely could
use some support.

by Matt Schatz

“Cole’s French Dip, the oldest restaurant and saloon in Los Angeles, is slated to close its doors Aug. 3.”
—Los Angeles Times

When we think of French dip goals,
We think of jus in little bowls.
And that is what they do at Cole’s.

Philippe, I think it must be said,
Pre-dips delicious drippy bread,
And serves their sandwich soaked instead.

But now we dip Cole’s down to sleep;
We pray the Lord its bowl will keep.
I’m grateful we still have Philippe.

by Dan Campion

“‘It’s just a weird, weird bird’: Why we got the dodo so absurdly wrong”
—BBC

Sometimes a headline fairly screams,
My fellow Sams and Frodos.
We got the dodo wrong, it seems,
Because we are the dodos.

by Steven Kent

“Trump-voting family stunned after Canadian mother detained over immigration status”
—The Guardian

I count myself among the MAGA base
And Trump got my support in last year’s race.
I’m backing ICE detentions everyplace:
Deport illegals, never show them grace.
My wife’s now disappeared without a trace—
The leopards weren’t supposed to eat my face!

by Julia Griffin

For Jenny

“State Department enacts widespread layoffs, cutting 1,353 staff as part of reorganization”
—CBS

The State Department has this week been sawed,
A move we’re sure the nation will applaud:
The place is so suspicious
And besides, so repetitious,
And there’s nothing really going on abroad.

Unpatriotic bureaus are the worst!
You’ll see that Biden-bloated bubble burst;
When the joint’s all run by yes-men
With the empathy of chessmen,
That’s when you’ll know America Is First.

by Thomas Germana

“As Americans flock to the country’s coasts—and to the lakes and rivers in between—in the heat of summer,
they may be doing so despite the presence of fecal matter. A stark 1,930 out of 3,187 beaches sampled across the nation
in 2024 experienced at least one day on which indicators of fecal contamination exceeded federal safety levels…”
—The Hill

The moment Summer rolls around
At last, my ass is coastal-bound.
They found some feces, yeah, I know—
It’s still my favorite place to go.

By Marshall Begel

“Meet the Rat-Obsessed Tour Guide Leading Visitors Through NYC’s Rodent Hotspots”
—Vice

This corner marks where Jimmy spilled some gas and caught on fire—
they only found his switchblade and a melted copper wire.
Elena told the feds, then begged the bosses to forgive her.
They did before they dropped her here, into the Hudson River.
Bernard went to confession and was turned in by the priest,
and this is where Long Island turkey vultures had their feast.
And here’s the bar… What’s that? You aren’t a mob-obsessive geek?
Oh—you must want that other tour where “rats” don’t squeal, but squeak!

by Dan Campion

“A 37,000-Year Chronicle of What Once Ailed Us: In a new genetic study, scientists have charted
the rise of 214 human diseases across ancient Europe and Asia.”
—The New York Times

It’s quite a Saga, I will tell you.
No one’s seen such Ills before.
I, Your King, have Cures to sell you,
If you’ll lend my reps the floor.

They’re horrible, those Maladies
Old Left Wings left us. Need Great care? If
So, check out my Remedies.
Buy online now, I’ll waive the tariff.

One thing’s sure: we Kings can Cure.
All ailments simply Fade away
(Except for this or that bone spur).
So order Cure-All merch Today!

(very loosely inspired by recent events)

by Clyde Always

“Child rescued [by fire and EMS workers] after climbing into a claw machine arcade game”
—ABC

How did you lose all our savings, you fool?
Did you fall for a hustle again playing pool?
Or pick the last pony to circle the track?
Or wager on red when you should’ve picked black?
Of course not! In fact, it’s our son who’s to blame.
You know that impossible claw machine game?
He crawled up the chute going after a prize
and got stuck, but I snagged him! It took a few tries…

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“The real Salt Path: how a blockbuster book and film were spun from lies, deceit and desperation:
Penniless and homeless, the Winns found fame and fortune with the story of their 630-mile walk
to salvation. … [T]he truth behind it is very different”
—The Observer

The Salt Path was restorative for Winn.
Her royalties, it is alleged, repaid
Embezzled funds. Yet nature’s-medicine
(Perambulations Moth and Raynor made
In Cornwall on its cliffs), according to
New claims, was too restorative to be
Considered true: in many medics’ view,
He’s been too well too long for CBD.
Observer scoops don’t often tell a lie.
Fresh readings bring up doubts you can’t ignore
So easily, yet millions passed them by …
At picnics on the beach, with Salt Path for
Light reading, why did no one spot a fault?
They probably forgot their pinch of salt!

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“Schools are blasted for ‘raising a generation of wimps’ after calls for [indoor play] during heatwaves”
– Daily Mail

’Cos nothing fosters character like heatstroke,
And battling back to fitness from a coma,
And overcoming brain and organ damage—
Unless it’s squaring off with melanoma.

by K.D. Taylor

“If you love to write, it is not about the money.”
—opinion piece in Writers

“The pen is mightier than the sword,”
one playwright said of old,
yet it’s a mighty puny price
at which most penwork’s sold.

And starving writers number more
than any man can count,
while not one swordsman seems to starve
nor does his bank account.

Hear all the names of billionaires
the newsmen are reciting,
and try to name a single one
who made their wealth by writing.

The written word won’t likely yield
such market-worth ascensions,
Though Galileo called it once
the greatest of inventions.

But if you think that income gains
to writers are proceeding,
know I received not one red cent
for what you now are reading.