by Stephen Gold
“Russian censors’ biggest fear: A book about a pink zombie mouse.
The Kremlin says that the book Mouse contains ‘false messages
about acts of terrorism’ and threatens public order”
—The Times
Comrades! In our Motherland,
An existential threat
To Comrade Putin is at hand.
Will it defeat us? Nyet!
Zombies, be they mice or men,
Cannot remain at large.
So let us wield the censor’s pen,
And save the rat in charge.
by Dan Campion
“Underground Cave Discovered on Moon Could Shelter Future Lunar Astronauts”
—ScienceAlert
Take that, moon shadows and moonbeams!
Moon, queen of tides and waves,
Once spellbound by your shades and gleams,
We’re coming for your caves.
by Julia Griffin
After Ovid; for Sophie
“Tourist who simulated sex with god of fertility statue defended for ‘amorous exaltation’”
—The Telegraph
Poor Galatea, turned to flesh and blood,
Esteemed her new embodiment a dud.
Efforts were vain: she could not but detest
The way that skin squashed inwards when depressed:
Lips were so spongy, kisses made her shiver,
As you might feel if smooching with a liver.
Mankind was meat: however hard she tried,
She could not focus on the bones inside;
Her lover sang her praises, but no tone
Could match the calm of metal or of stone.
Picture her, then, discovering, in Florence,
An antidote to so much shamed abhorrence:
God Bacchus—hitherto the pantheon’s
Most fleshly god, but here transformed to bronze!
A hard, bright, clean, unundulating form,
Which nothing but the sun’s own rays could warm,
Met her long gaze and did not even blink.
She felt her epidermis turning pink;
What now? She had no wish to cause a panic,
But non-organic called to non-organic;
Long-flattened hopes awoke and would not settle:
She longed to match her mettle with his metal,
Till, cutting through confusion’s labyrinth
(Also the crowds), she stormed that lofty plinth,
And seized, with no regard for time or place,
A joy beyond our flabby human race.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“The site of epic clash between Spartacus and Roman army discovered in Italy”
—The Independent
It could provide a massive boost for business in the region,
’Cos staging re-enactments of the clash
Between the gladiators and a fully-armored legion
Would bring a lot of extra tourist cash.
A fight instructor should ensure that nothing goes amiss,
Though casting it might not be trouble-free:
“Now, who did we agree on for the role of Spartacus?”
“I’m Spartacus!” “No, I am!” “No, it’s me!”
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“(London’s) Met Police commissioner seeks new recruits to ‘change the force'”
—BBC
Constabulary scandals at the Met
Have sparked our urgent search for raw recruits,
Accustomed to low wages, who might get
New thrills from stepping out in copper’s boots.
Got empathy? Got courage and respect?
Employment as a copper beckons—if
New Scotland Yard sees all three boxes checked,
Expect the competition won’t be stiff.
Excited to reform our culture? We’re
Delighted that you want to work for change,
Since change is all we pay for this career …
You’ll soon have climbed up to a higher range
Of pay though: cops who had those jobs were fired—
Unhappily, that’s why you’re getting hired!
by Alex Steelsmith
“[A] 4- to 5-foot monitor lizard was spotted running loose on the freeway…
Troopers arrived on the scene and called the Phoenix Herpetological Sanctuary…
The troopers, joined by Arizona Department of Transportation personnel, kept watch on the lizard…”
—UPI
Diligent, vigilant
local authorities
keeping a monitor
lizard in view
always appreciate
herpetological
experts who monitor
monitors too.
by Jerome Betts
Steve Darling, the newly-elected MP for Torbay Devon, is accompanied
in the House of Commons by his guide dog Jennie, a Golden Retriever.
Hail Jennie D, a helpful dog,
No glib mendacious demagogue
No Truss or Johnson or Rees-Mogg
With toxic policies to flog!
Beneath the chamber’s verbal fog
You’ll find her sleeping like a log.
by Gail White
“This country is effectively run… by a bunch of childless cat ladies
who are miserable at… the choices that they’ve made…”
—J.D. Vance
What demons pressured Trump to choose
a man with such alarming views?
The CCLs are saying, “Wow!
It’s been a secret until now!
But Vance has let the whole world know
it’s gals with cats who run the show,
and far from wretched, we rejoice
at such a liberating choice!”
Whatever else he may promote,
he’s lost the Childless Cat Mom vote.
by Bruce Bennett
There was “a shot heard round the world.”
Jaws dropped. Eyes widened. Threats were hurled.
Yet there was neither peace nor war,
And all continued as before.
by Paul Lander
Vegas is so hot
David Copperfield is now:
David Coppertone.
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“New law requires all Louisiana public school classrooms to display the Ten Commandments”
—The Associated Press
Display the Ten Commandments?
This harebrained law invites
A sensible proposal:
Display the Bill of Rights!
by Eddie Aderne
“Satanists to volunteer in Florida schools in protest at DeSantis religious bill
Satanic Temple objects to governor’s push for more religion in schools and says members
could act as student chaplains”
—The Guardian
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven,
And best to work with kids around eleven.
All is not lost: the unconquerable will
Remains, to screw up Ron DeSantis’ bill.
Ah, little mudlings! League with you I seek
And mutual amity, to start next week:
Who’d like some cool new pledges? One, two, three:
Evil, be thou my good! Repeat with me!
by Dan Campion
“This portrait of Dolley Madison might be the first photo of a first lady”
—NPR
You’re looking straight ahead at us,
Dear Dolley; what you see
Has set your prim coiffure a-muss.
You peer ironically,
With gimlet eyes and driest smile—
Your sense of style endures—
Our hostess for the ages, while
We act like perfect boors.
by Julia Griffin
“Pistols Napoleon planned to use to kill himself sold in France for €1.7m
Napoleon said to have tried to use the guns after defeat of French campaign,
but grand squire removed the gunpowder, so French ruler tried poison instead …
The richly decorated guns inlaid with gold and silver feature the engraved
image of Napoleon in full imperial pomp.”
—The Guardian
Allons! Betrayed by cowards who refuse
To march on Paris, I, the unconquered, mean
To yield here to myself—the foe I choose:
It is tonight, I’m sorry, Josephine.
Here are my pistols, properly inlaid
With gold and silver and my portrait (fair,
Not all it might be). Think me not afraid,
Posterity: what heroes fear, I dare.
Prussia and Austria, cold Moscow too
Will learn in awe what majesty should be;
It is a far, far braver thing I do;
The final face I look upon is me,
An Emperor, self-crowned and never scared.
A short farewell to all my greatness!—Merde.
draws near. Oh,
for a Shapiro,
a Warnock, a Beshear! Oh,
for any available hero.
(Fetch
Gretch.)
~ Cody Walker