by Nora Jay

“Gina Lollobrigida, Italian star of the 1950s and 60s, dies aged 95 …
Her fame was also such that in the 1960s she had a new cultivar of curly-leafed lettuce,
the ‘lollo [rosso]’, named in her honour…”
—The Guardian

So ciaò, bella Gina,
Figura divina!
You never were clumsy or frigida:
The lettuce of Truss
We soon ceased to discuss:
We’ll remember the chic Lollo(brigida)

by Bruce Bennett

“Paying Fromage to America’s Dairyland: Gouda news
for Wisconsin, the state synonymous with cheese: Two of
its cities landed in our top 10 [‘best cities for cheese lovers’].”
—LawnStarter

That’s good for Wisconsin, I guess.
But really, I have to confess,
As cheesiness goes,
There’s no match for prose
That savors its own cheesi-ness.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“No one told me that reading would be a casualty of ageing”
—The i

I want to read the works of Scott, and Charles Dickens too;
Their novels total forty-two, but worse,
There’s nearly forty Shakespeare plays to somehow be got through,
Plus sonnets and assorted other verse.

Now, of my three-score years and ten, there’s five-and-fifty flown;
The fifteen left is fewer than I’d need;
That’s even if I hid away and just ignored the phone,
And plied myself with caffeine pills and speed.

I need a writer I can read in whole before I’m toast,
Whose muse was more capricious and unruly,
Whose work appeared in bookshops once a decade at the most—
In point of fact, one not unlike yours truly.

by Felicia Nimue Ackerman

“The Elder Parole bill would allow the state Board of Parole to conduct an evaluation
for potential release for incarcerated people ages 55 and older who have already served
15 or more years.”
—New York Daily News

“Incarcerated people”?
We seem to have come to the stage
Of scrapping forthright language—
I speak as a person of age.

by Clyde Always

“Onions are so expensive in the Philippines
they’re being smuggled into the country”
—CNN

Onions, lately:
costly things.
Thus, a rise in
smuggling rings.

by Gail White

A Poinciana, Florida woman called 911 for help with
a burglary, then asked for a ride to the airport.

The caller requested
assistance with moving,
to put all the furniture
out on the lawn;
and then, one last favor,
a ride to the airport:
it’s back to New York
now that Christmas is gone!

Alas, a few problems
were quickly discovered.
The household removal
was stopped at the doors.
The moral: When asking
the cops to help move you,
it’s best if the house
and its contents are yours.

by Julia Griffin

“Hershey sued by New York man over ‘unsafe’ levels of metal in chocolate:
Christopher Lazazzaro alleges mass-market chocolatier failed to reveal
lead and cadmium in dark chocolate products to consumers”
—The Guardian

(with thanks to Bob Dylan)

How much lead can a chocolate contain
And count as comestible still?
And what is the quota in milk or in plain
Before it will actually kill?
And who figures Cadbury’s cadmium caps
Since it fell under Hershey’s control?
The answer, my friend, is kept under wraps;
Just try not to swallow it whole.

by Paul Lander

It rained so damn hard
My Airbnb is now
A Seabnb

by Alex Steelsmith

“Media have framed the manatee die-off as an environmental wake-up call…
‘People keep talking about manatees being the canary in the coal mine.
But by the time this canary dies, all the miners are already long gone’…
[M]anatee deaths aren’t a signal of forthcoming disaster; their losses are the disaster…”
—National Geographic

Warningly, mourningly,
Florida’s manatees
sound the alarm as their
numbers abate.

Species cohabitate
interdependently;
manatees mirror hu-
manity’s fate.

by Dan Campion

“Bend could see psilocybin service centers open by May”
—Central Oregon Daily

So Oregon is on the route
Away from feuds and fuss.
Ken Kesey would be proud, no doubt,
His state’s jumped on the bus.

by Philip Kitcher

After each triumph, I have thanked
my mentors for the truths they taught:
Ideals are never sacrosanct;
advances always must be bought.
Forget the pap dished out in schools:
Firm principles are rules for fools.

So, pucker up your lips, and kiss
the ugliness that makes you cringe.
Abandon every prejudice,
play footsie with the loony fringe.
The motto of the truly great:
Capitulate. Capitulate.

by Chris O’Carroll

“Prince Harry details physical attack by brother William…”
—The Guardian

One brother knocks the other to the floor,
A deed about which some would feel compunctional.
If these are Royal glimpses, let’s have more.
They make my family look completely functional.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“[Health secretary] Steve Barclay tells public to behave with ‘common sense’
during NHS ambulance strike [in England and Wales].”
—The Independent

If you need an ambulance while paramedics strike,
Try to get to hospital by foot or on a bike,
But if you’ve cut your foot off or it’s hanging by a thread,
Go online and order up a pogo stick instead,

And boing along to where our Group is cutting back on spending
By practicing repurposing and making do and mending.
We’ll stitch that pesky foot back on, and knit a comfy bootie;
Before you even know it you’ll be up and playing footie,

And helping spread our message that in crisis times like these,
We all should help each other and stop begging on our knees
For aid and help from Government for ever and anon,
And stand up on our own two feet—well, once they’re stitched back on.

by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons

“A new bench unveiled close to Sir Isaac Newton’s birthplace has been engraved with an incorrect
spelling of the world famous scientist’s name.”
—BBC

I deserve more respect: I begat
Science watching an apple go splat.
So ass-backwards I’m not—
And yet that’s what they’ve got
Carved in metal behind where you’ve sat!

by Jesse Anna Bornemann

“The decluttering philosophy that can help you keep your home organized”
—NPR

I’m swimming in a sea of stuff!
I’m through with clutter! Done! Enough!
What path to a clean house is wise?
What should I do to organize?
This article tucked in my files
Says I should analyze my piles.
My worn-out fanny pack is proof
I miss adventures of my youth!
I see I am no match for Freud…
But, ah! This tip can be deployed:
Start small. Now, that’s a cinch to do!
I’ll toss a rubber band or two.
…that hardly seemed to make a dent.
I’m not sure it was time well-spent.
Let’s skip ahead. Hmm, it says here:
Each time that you make progress, cheer.
Great advice! Forget the rest!
This article is just the best!
I’ll make ten copies! Twenty! More!
I’m stashing one in every drawer!