by Julia Griffin
“The Environmental Protection Agency on Thursday put on administrative leave 139 employees who signed a ‘declaration of dissent’
about its policies… [T]he EPA said it has a ‘zero-tolerance policy for career bureaucrats unlawfully undermining, sabotaging and
undercutting’ the Trump administration’s agenda.”
—The Guardian
Tree-hugging bureaucrats have had their day
At the EPA.
Sure, they did undermine and sabotage and undercut,
But
Misused these tactics to upend a
Trumpist agenda.
Let all who yield to fits of folly, see
Our zero-tolerance policy,
And mind they make each bomb and axe and clawful
Lawful.
by Simon MacCulloch
“Your headaches might be caused by a Neanderthal-shaped skull”
—New Scientist
Indeed I have often suspected
My troubles are closely connected
To high-office holders
Who bear on their shoulders
Skulls that are Stone-Age inflected.
by Marshall Begel
“Dead congressman promotes candidate for his seat on social media”
—Axios
Virginia, we need our campaign to succeed
to stop this regime’s demolition.
That’s why I’m promoting intelligent voting
despite my, um, current condition.
Please, don’t be afraid, come and join the crusade—
we need every “I voted” sticker.
Election day’s near, so sign up—volunteer,
and I’ll make some random lights flicker.
by Stephen Urquhart Bell
“The best mattresses in 2025: sleep better with our seven rigorously tested picks”
—The Guardian
Oh, to be a mattress tester!
Perfect for a slob—
I couldn’t ever get the boot
For sleeping on the job.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Kansas game wardens share photo of very rare albino fawn”
—ksnt.com
Magical miracle,
all of humanity
goggles in awe when the
universe spawns
perfect albinism
ontogenetically;
everyone fawns over
lily-white fawns.
by Steven Kent
“US Catholic school fires teacher after husband’s obituary reveals his marriage to a man…
[A] parent—whose identity was shielded and whom the teacher presumed to be ‘disgruntled’—
reported discovering his being mentioned in [the] obituary…”
—The Guardian
The diocese of NOLA hopes to dodge a second scandal,
Though God knows this kerfuffle to the first can’t hold a candle:
Two hundred mil (and counting) for protecting pedo fathers,
Yet one gay teacher makes the list of John Doe’s biggest bothers?
by Janice D. Soderling
(With apologies to Patrick Henry)
I know not what course
Others may take.
But as for me,
Give me liberty
Or a tax break.
by Clyde Always
“South Carolina state troopers chase wild pig that halted traffic on busy interstate”
—New York Post
Higgledy-piggledy,
South Carolinian,
nearly outrunning a
couple of cops,
stoutly resisted and
hyperaggressively
oinked as the officers
busted his chops.
by Bruce Bennett
Musk and Trump. Trump and Musk.
Fighting now from dawn to dusk.
Who will win? Who will lose?
A plague on both! It’s hard to choose.
by Thomas Germana
“We were actually governed by complete morons.”
—J.D. Vance, at the American Compass Fifth Anniversary Gala
It really is a joy to see
Such unembellished honesty.
I think that Vance has raised the bar—
Oh wait, he said we “were,” not “are.”
by Marshall Begel
“DeSantis signs bill recognizing gold, silver coins as legal tender in Florida”
—NBC
We passed these monetary laws
here in the Sunshine State
to safeguard people’s wealth because
it soon will be too late.
When US treasuries go bust
and credit’s a nonstarter,
those precious metals in our trust
will set us up to barter.
by Alex Steelsmith
“North Dakota promises flush toilets at historic sites… replacing pit toilets…”
—The Associated Press
Happily, snappily,
students of history
thank North Dakota for
upgrading its
antediluvian
toilet facilities.
Primitive outhouses?
Those were the pits.
by Steven Kent
“Ryan Reynolds has pitched an ‘R-rated’ Star Wars. What would that look like?”
—The Guardian
Imagine Leia giving in
To Jabba: gross, unclean!
Where does he end and she begin?
(He’s fat as Tatooine.)
For such a scene there’s no excuse;
Her Alderaan identity
Demands that Disney not produce
This Hutterite obscenity.
by Dan Campion
“Joni Ernst Tries to Go MAGA”
—The New York Times
Poor Joni gave tough talk a try
But is no Trump or Corleone.
Her “Well, we all are going to die”
Came off as schoolmarm, not Roy Cohn.
Alas, she made things ten times worse
By dissing the tooth fairy, whom
Her tone gave hints might place a curse
On every town hall heckler’s tomb.
Old Roman officers, at court,
Were honored with a laurel wreath.
Our fallen age sees Joni sport
A necklace strung with lost milk teeth.
by Stephen Gold
“Trump bars Elon Musk’s preferred candidate from becoming head of NASA.”
—The Times
A spaceman has been thwarted,
His future’s looking grim.
The mission’s been aborted,
And there’s no space for him.
An alien has landed
To terrorize D.C.
And loftily commanded,
“LET ONE STAR SHINE HERE!! ME!!”
