“Tyra Banks is launching ‘hot ice cream’… a creamy, dreamy consistency that can be sipped from a cup…” —CNN
So, Tyra Banks announced her drink debut? But I’ve already crafted such a brew:
My mocha cappuccino with a hint of caramel, vanilla, peppermint, a healthy splash of heavy whipping cream infused with almond concentrate, then steam till just about a boil, with room for rice milk, sprinkled with a dash of pumpkin spice.
But I suppose I’ll try hers for a span, at least till Starbucks lifts my lifetime ban.
“New Jersey [police] officer charged after going out for pizza instead of responding to shooting” —The Guardian
Our officers are dedicated, to the nth degree. Okay, so Sarge Bollaro wasn’t right where he should be The night he stopped for pizza as two locals lay here dyin’, But hey, at least he didn’t order Cali or Hawaiian!
“Trump Suggests He Knows He Can’t Run Again: ‘It’s Too Bad'” —The New York Times
I can’t run again… That’s a shame, it’s too bad— when I’ve been the best POTUS that you’ve ever had. I would not be allowed, based on what some have said (though I’ve heard I could run as the VP instead).
But I won’t use that loophole, I think it’s too cute. And the POTUS, not Veep, holds the clout absolute. I think Marco would make a good Prez, or else Vance. (It’s a real goddamn shame I can’t get a third chance.)
Continuing past ‘28 surely beckons, but of all the Amendments, the damn 22nd’s the reason I’ll have to leave office unwillingly (There must be an end-run; you know this is killing me…)
My polls are the highest, my fame is white-hot. And I had one term stolen, in case you forgot. The economy’s great, with the stock market high. In the POTUS ranks, folks—I’m your Number One guy.
Now, that pesky Amendment? I’d just like to strengthen it: forget a third term; take the second and lengthen it. For those who object, I’d most likely respond that I’ll rule ‘til I’m dead—and a few years beyond that.
“A charismatic, tweed-wearing grower from Perthshire falsely claimed to be able to create thriving tea plantations in Scotland. His elaborate deception took in luxury hotels, media outlets and tea growers across the country” —The Guardian
A tweed-wearing grower from Perth Observed the deplorable dearth Of local-grown tea So he grew some (said he), And he milked it for all he was worth.
The experts first hailed him, but soon Indignantly altered their tune: Now shown as a sham, Mr. Tweed’s in a jam, And they’re specially sorry in Scone.
“’White-knuckled wolf spider’ thought lost is rediscovered on Isle of Wight” —The Guardian
Spider, spider, out of sight Hidden on the Isle of Wight, Greeted by the experts’ chuckles With your pallid spots or knuckles, Though by most not known or missed, Great news that you still exist!
“Looking at art in galleries can provide immediate stress relief, study finds” —The Independent
I go to exhibitions when I’m anxious; It’s very therapeutic and it’s free. My worries get forgotten while I ponder, Now what the hell is this supposed to be?
“‘Quiet as a whisper’: German firm launches ad campaign after lift used in Louvre heist” —The Guardian
A Böcker lift’s the perfect tool, So smooth and silent from the start; It’s crafted like a priceless jewel And made to steal an owner’s heart. The showroom’s where you’ll go to see ’em (There, or at a French museum).
“Year 12 students from at least eight schools in Queensland were taught the wrong topic for their final history exams … Students were meant to study Julius Caesar, but the affected pupils instead learned about his nephew Augustus, according to the Queensland Curriculum and Assessment Authority.” —The Guardian
Caesar was switched on the Queensland Curriculum, Something he’d surely have thought quite ridiculum. This lot, Authorities? He’d soon demote ’em. Here was a Caesar! Accept no nepotem!
“Speaker of the House Mike Johnson defended labeling [last] weekend’s ‘No Kings’ rallies opposing President Donald Trump as ‘hate America’ rallies, arguing that he was not referring to Democrats themselves but the message of the protesters.” —ABC
I can’t forget the grandmas’ hateful chanting About how they prefer democracy; The teachers who kept up their hateful ranting Re making every student safe and free; The moms and dads who hatefully hugged babies And sang with friends and cried a little too; But worst: a wiener dog (did it have rabies?) Dressed up in hateful red and white and blue.
“Police Break Up Lego Theft Ring, Recovering Hundreds of Beheaded Figurines: Officials said they had discovered tens of thousands of Lego pieces at a California home and arrested a man who trafficked in the stolen collectibles.” —The New York Times
They lost their heads. He kept them, safe and sound. Hundreds! The courts will certainly convict. You ask how this appalling scene was found? Cops followed up the clues till something clicked.
“[An Ohio bill declares] AI systems ‘nonsentient entities’ and [would] prevent them from gaining legalpersonhood. The bill… also makes it illegal for anyone to marry an AI system…” —Columbus Navigator
If AI’s not a legal person, prospects for my marriage worsen since my plans to marry Siri might entail a legal query.
So instead, I’ve reignited (thanks to Citizens United) courtship safe from such attacks: trading vows with Goldman Sachs.
“Wild bear pays surprise visit to bear enclosure at California zoo: ‘He was very polite’: Sequoia park zoo said staff were doing an inspection when they saw a wild black bear looking in at three captive bears” —The Guardian
Oh yes, you thought he was “polite,” no doubt; You found him quite the charmer, so refined, Having no clue what he was on about: Acquire some language and you’ll change your mind. Feeling himself entitled to intrude, He stood and stared at us, then scratched his head (A gesture evidently meant as rude), Opened his nasty, unwashed mouth, and said: Hee, hee, hee! Are you locked in safe and tight? I see they’ve pedicured your pretty feet! So tell me, is your porridge cooked just right? Who gets the widest quilt? The longest sheet? And finally he chortled, to his fleas: Let’s leave them to their Goldilocks-and-keys.
