by Clyde Always
“At San Francisco restaurant, pups chow on filet mignon …
Dogue, which rhymes with vogue, opened last month
in the city’s trendy Mission District.”
—AP News
Slobbery, snobbery,
Dogue’s culinarians
bring the gastronomist
out of your whelp;
lauding its offerings’
palatability,
four-legged foodies are
likely to Yelp.
by Iris Herriot
“Controversy is swirling around a proposed public lavatory in San Francisco
after a city newspaper exposed the project’s eye-watering price tag of $1.7m.”
—The Guardian
(To the tune of “I Left My Heart in San Francisco“)
The lavabos of Paris seem somehow sadly cheap;
The bagni that are Rome are only fit for sheep;
My poor bladder’s been abused something rotten in Manhattan:
I’m going home to that rest room by the Bay.
I left my sense in San Francisco,
Deep in a grand WC,
To be where there’s a perfect stall to answer nature’s call!
The morning fog may turn to sleet, here’s my seat:
My loo waits there in San Francisco;
I’ll cry “Urethra!” learnedly;
When I come home to you, San Francisco,
I’ll take earth’s most expensive pee.
by Steve Bremner
“Farmers across New Zealand took to the streets on their tractors…
to protest government plans to tax cow burps and other greenhouse gas emissions …
Because farming is so big in New Zealand—there are 10 million beef and dairy cattle and 26 million sheep,
compared to just 5 million people—about half of all greenhouse gas emissions come from farms.”
—Associated Press
Classily, gassily,
Kiwis are taxing their
Cows and their sheep—will this
Just be the start?
What’s next for herbivore
Flatulogenesis?
Will they tax vegans on
Each little fart?
by Philip Kitcher
“Boris Johnson COULD still return to Downing Street
if Rishi fails to turn the polls around, allies warn the new PM”
—Daily Mail
I have cut short my holiday
to heal the wounds that part us,
knowing that I was born to play
the role of Cincinnatus.
I’m charged with straying from the truth—
my critics make up stories.
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth
to have such thankless Tories!
by Steven Kent
“Boebert tells Republican dinner guests they’re part of ‘second coming of Jesus'”
—The Guardian
Enjoy the coffee, tea, dessert, the platter full of cheeses.
Bring back to power the GOP, and we can bring back Jesus!
I’ll close with two short words tonight and say them with abandon,
Two little words that sum us up. Join with me: “Let’s go, Brandon!”
by Alex Steelsmith
“[A]ll eyes are now on the often ignored Texas Board of Education races…
and one race in District 7 highlights how critical race theory has become a key issue.”
—The Texas Tribune
Texasy nexusy,
critical race theory
has, in this district, a
pivotal place.
Pollsters might say this is
axiomatically
true; after all, it’s a
critical race.
by Steven Kent
“Newsmax bans Lara Logan after Qanon-tinged on-air tirade”
—The Guardian
Get Logan off the set tout de suite!
We have our standards here,
Although they’re highly incomplete
And certainly unclear.
She crossed the line, but we can’t say
Exactly when or how:
Perhaps by stating “Satan’s way”
Is immigration now,
Or claiming that young children’s blood
Is drunk by pedophiles
(All liberals), sure to cause a flood
Of lawsuits and denials.
We simply cannot have this kind
Of nut job on the air,
Yet if we find a saner mind,
There goes our market share.
by Nora Jay
“Senior Chinese Diplomat Says It’s His ‘Duty’ to Pull a Protester’s Hair”
—VICE
I shall do my duty
With unremitting care.
No napping on the QT:
I’m constantly aware
Of all those snide and snooty
Protesters and their hair;
So I shall do my duty
Until their heads are bare.
by Julia Griffin
“Black hole vomits years after gobbling up a star”
—Mashable
(To the tune of “When You Wish Upon a Star”)
When you gobble up a star
You’ll be less than popular:
Undigested spheroids will
Repeat on you;
Since that hot, plasmatic mass
Obviously gives you gas,
When you gobble up a star
Your fans are few.
See this lens we’re peering through?
You are vividly in view:
When you gobble up a star,
Please learn to chew.
by Bruce Bennett
“The implications [of research on black holes] are mind-bending,
including the possibility that our three-dimensional universe—and we ourselves—may be holograms”
—The New York Times
“O, that this too too solid flesh would melt”—
Only, it isn’t solid. What we felt
Was nothing, since we’re nothing. Not such stuff
As dreams are made on even. Man, it’s tough!
by Stephen Gold
“[Color-coded] labels that deem cheese less healthy than pizza are crackers, French dairies say”
—The Times
My friend André adores Comté,
Un fine fromage de France.
But yesterday in old Marseilles
He looked at it askance.
Alors! He’d spied its color code,
A vivid shade of rouge,
Which warned its calorific load
Was absolutely huge.
Les fromagers have rushed to say
That this is très injuste.
Gros imbéciles hold trop de sway,
And folie rules the roost!
It’s quite absurd to clobber curds,
Désistez s’il vous plait!
Let’s hear it for our dairy herds,
And sweep these rules a-whey!
by Clyde Always
“Protester accused of unleashing bee swarm on deputies to stop eviction”
—The Washington Post
In Massachusetts, Boys in Blue
were injured when a protest grew.
Assailants swarmed and caused a buzz.
One wonders where the swat-team was…
by Alex Steelsmith
“[Members of] the climate change–focused group Just Stop Oil
threw tomato soup on van Gogh’s Sunflowers… . Then the activists glued themselves
to the wall under the painting. … [Some people were] asking what van Gogh
did to hurt the climate.”
—ArtNews
Loopily, soupily,
climate-change activists
gain some supporters, but
others conclude
some of their tactics might
seem to suggest they are
counterproductively
coming unglued.
Moodily, broodily,
Vincent of Netherlands
might have been totally
vexed and said, “Gosh,
I can stop oil any
time if I switch to a
non-oleaginous
method like gouache.”
by Nora Jay
“US doctor removes 23 contact lenses stuck in eye like ‘stack of pancakes’
The patient … complained about feeling something foreign in her eye”
—The Guardian
That’s worse than 23 half-specs,
One ventures.
Let’s hope an expert also checks
Her dentures.
by Steven Kent
“What’s it like working from the pub? Well, the beer numbs your cost-of-living anxiety”
—The Guardian
Hey, boss, you hear me now? Okay,
Let’s talk about this merger deal.
Due diligence I’ve done; I feel—
Kate, give me fish and chips today.
Where were we? Right, the merger mess.
I really think we should proceed;
We’ve got the funding, now we need—
Kate, how about a Guinness, yes?
So here’s the thing, Boss, I won’t lie:
The competition’s closing in,
And if we ever hope to win—
Kate, I could go for shepherd’s pie.
Hold on, you’re telling me right here
I’m off the project? Reason is
I’m too distracted for this biz?
Hey, Kate, I’m gonna need more beer!