by Jerome Betts
“UK inflation jumps to 11.1% on back of
energy and food price rises.”
—The Guardian
“Pound Cake . . . £2 each”
—Sign in Devon
Alas, our once near-solvent nation
Is in the grip of cruel inflation
Which leaves us all severely troubled
With pound cake’s price already doubled.
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“Rise in back pain and long-term sickness linked to home working”
—The Guardian
It’s the ergonomy, ye stooped! You spent
Two years hunched over laptops on a bed,
Settee or kitchen stool, and now you’re bent
Too out of shape for office work instead.
Home working wasn’t introduced to wreck
Employment, but you had no Peloton
Elliptical to stretch your back and neck,
Relax your nerves and put a damper on
Godawful posture twisting up your spine
Or aggravating wrist and shoulder strain—
Numb digits make it hard to type this line:
Off sick today with carpal-tunnel pain …
My moral’s clear: Be glad of your commute—
You get away, and stretch yourself to boot!
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Hoppy IPA beers may lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s, study suggests”
—The Independent
When barroom conversation starts to sputter—
A joke falls flat or someone makes a gaffe—
The married men will pull a face and mutter,
“My wife thinks I’m in here to have a laugh.”
But regulars are healthcare pioneers
Whose spouses really ought to thank, not curse, them
For selflessly consuming hoppy beers
So that their wives will never need to nurse them.
by Steven Kent
“‘Whisper list’ contains 40 politicians never to accept a drink from, MP claims”
—The Guardian
Girl, find a public place, a park or station,
If you and he must talk of legislation.
Don’t meet him in his office or a bar
Or any place no other people are.
He wields a lot of power, so much leverage;
Decline if he should offer you a beverage,
For God knows what’ll happen if you drink.
(“Back-bench” he’s called, but not for what you think!)
by Alex Steelsmith
“The Taliban are banning women from using gyms in Afghanistan…
the religious group’s latest edict cracking down on women’s rights…”
—AP
Afghani women have to fight
to exercise
a basic right.
The Taliban, alas, denies
a basic right
to exercise.
by Iris Herriot
“One billion young people risk hearing loss from loud music
Study suggests 24% of 12- to 34-year-olds globally listen at ‘unsafe level’
on devices and visit noisy venues”
—The Guardian
Young People! 24%
Will wonder where your hearing went
When time and tinnitus complete
The work of that rambunctious beat.
To tell the truth, and not embroider,
I feel a certain Schadenfreude
To think of you, in future years,
With aids or trumpets in your ears,
But more reflection overthrows
Such nasty sentiments as those.
You aging, deafened hordes will strain
To hear those wailing blasts again,
And I will share your agony.
When you move in next door to me.
by Julia Griffin
“Man who lived in Charles de Gaulle airport for 18 years dies in airport…
Karimi Nasseri, believed to have been born in 1945, lived in the airport’s Terminal 1 from 1988 until 2006,
first in legal limbo because he lacked residency papers and later by choice. …
[He] had returned to living in the airport again in recent weeks, the airport official said.”
—The Guardian
Goest thou to the Terminal,
Terminal, Terminal 1?
Hear’st thou there the final call,
When all the traveling’s done?
Dost thou article with loss,
Dustily, dusty dry?
Seest thou where the white wings cross
The whiteness of the sky?
Goest thou to the Terminal,
Terminal, Terminal 1?
Hear’st thou there the final call,
When all the traveling’s done?
by Chris O’Carroll
” … Mr. Musk warned employees that Twitter did not have the necessary cash to survive…”
—The New York Times
#Elon/wheelon/dealon,
#Layoffs, #Broke,
#Twitter/bitter/quitter,
#Bankrupt/up in smoke?
by Martin F. Kohn
“I think if they win, I should get all the credit.
If they lose, I should not be blamed at all.”
—D. Trump
From Mar-a-Lago comes the news:
Heads, I win, and tails, you lose.
by Bruce Bennett
“‘This is a sinking ship,’ the source said about the lack of enthusiasm
for an emerging Trump 2024 campaign.”
—CBS News
“You heard the news?” called out a rat.
“Of course!” another squeaked. “But that
is fake! All lies! It makes me gag!”
He whispered,
“I have packed my bag.”
by Julia Griffin
“[J]ailed monarch ate only the best, papers reveal.
Newly discovered official accounts show that, while a prisoner
of Elizabeth I, her cousin [Mary, Queen of Scots] lived a life of luxury”
—The Guardian
Mary had a lot of lamb:
She feasted like a toff
And lived contenter than a clam
Until her head came off.
by Bruce Bennett
We warn you, and we’ll thank you loads,
if you refrain from licking toads.
It’s true they may be psychedelic,
inducing flights that are angelic,
But toxins they exude can kill
a dog, or you, and sometimes will,
So please, refrain. Resist temptation.
Pursue some healthier elation.
Enjoy our woods. Don’t seek some drug.
And don’t kiss a banana slug.
by Dan Campion
“How to Avoid Hurting Yourself at the Gym”
—The New York Times
With creaky knees and tricky back,
One’s grateful for the Times’s spin
On safe gym workouts. But the knack
Is effortless: just don’t go in.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Oldest known sentence written in first alphabet discovered—on a head-lice comb…
[It] reads: ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’”
—The Guardian
Its readers had lice;
we imagine them frowsy.
The form would suffice,
but the content was lousy.
by Steven Kent
“‘A huge opportunity’: California Republicans eye school board elections”
—The Guardian
We’ll tell the children what to think, what not to think, and so on,
Rewriting all the history books with our own facts to go on.
No Commie talk of climate change, you leftie doom-and-gloomers.
God bless our little patriots! How dare you call us groomers?