by Nina Parmenter

The ever-reliable British gossip magazine Heat reports that Tom Cruise’s inner circle are “increasingly concerned”:
“We’re told the 62 year old has become so ensconced in the biohacking world of cryotherapy—wherein
a person immerses themselves in freezing or near-freezing temperatures for roughly three to five minutes,
purportedly to reverse skin ageing, support fat loss, treat inflammation and prevent chronic diseases—that he’s
letting it take over his entire life.” He also takes liquid nitrogen facials, according to the magazine.

Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he pours liquid nitrogen over his knees,
he gives himself facials with chocolate ice cream,
then ices his eyebrows and lets out a scream,
“I want the youth!”
(He can’t handle the youth!)

Feeling the need, the need to freeze
the progress of age, he quite frequently skis
face down in the snow, and his nurse is so sweet:
he shows her the money, she smears him in sleet,
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)

Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he buys an old hut in the mid-Pyrenees,
he leaps in a bobsled, yells “Give ‘em Mach 10!”
and in the ER, they say, “Not him again!”
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)

Feeling the need, the need to freeze,
he smiles as the scientists fleece him for fees,
and a doctor-in-training goes top of her class,
for removing the popsicle stuck up his ass,
cos he wants the youth!
(He can’t handle the youth!)