BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT Hearing “Court is in session. This poet’s accusedof criminal metrical guile.” “That’s one beat, correct? If I rhymed it with two, could we scrap this ridiculous trial? To my peers on the jury, when crafting your lines does it ever elicit a scowl to tap your foot once when you’re […]
BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT The Emphysemic Dinosaur Some sixty million years ago,in a prehistoric town,where flakes of hot, volcanic ashforever tumbled down,there lived a gruff tyrannosaurwhose claws were tinted brown. This emphysemic dinosaurwas always blowing smokein spite of much admonishmentfrom fellow dino-folk.“Keep lightin’ up like that,” they’d say,“and, soon enough, you’ll croak!” But, undeterred, […]
BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT The Cautionary Tale of Scrollin’ Joan There once was a girl called Scrollin’ Joanwhose face was always glued to her phone.From the time she was just a couple years old,day-in and day-out she scrolled and scrolled.If ever her feed would scroll to a stop,“No matter,” she’d say. “I’ll scroll to […]
BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT Extra Innings At a glistening diamond, some boys once met—a dozen and six in all.On an afternoon they would never forgetthey picked up a game of ball. The pitchers—they pitched, and the catchers—they caught;each batter—he strove for a run,but after those first nine innings were foughtthe tally was 1 to […]
BACK | CONTENTS | NEXT A Waiter’s Plight He’d rather not have served itafter such a busy night,but still he offered them dessertbecause he felt it right,and though they didn’t want itas their belts had gotten tight,they ordered a dessert from him(but just to be polite). Clyde Always is an accomplished cartoonist, poet, painter, novelist […]
by Clyde Always “Backstreet Boys singer Brian Littrell faces off in court with senior citizen he says has been trespassing on his private Florida beach … Littrell also sued the Walton County Sheriff’s Office in July, claiming it wasn’t doing enough to protect the family from trespassers.”—New York Post The plaintiff is a Backstreet Boy.His […]
by Clyde Always A flier with measles allegedly trottedthrough Newark unnoticed. You’d think he’d be spotted.
by Clyde Always “Serial bandit—with 5 prison stints for burglary—keeps hitting NYC kosher stores on the Sabbath but remains free”—New York Post Saturday-shatterday,Angelo Robinsonbreaks into delis—throughBrooklyn he stalks. Kosher ones seem to behypersusceptible.Warning: this crook may bepicking your lox.
by Clyde Always “‘Monster’ killer Ed Gein has gals going gaga…”—New York Post Horrible-‘dorable,Gein the monstrosity,thanks to Gen Z, is nowsuddenly in. Warning to ladies withhybristophilia:fellas like Ed can getunder your skin.
by Clyde Always “Sultry Penthouse Pet accused of wooing love-starved older men online—then robbing them blind”—New York Post Geezers on Tinder, don’t gripeif a model declares you’re her typeas you shamelessly toutall your wealth, then find outthat the fox was just swiping to swipe.
by Clyde Always “A surgeon with a ‘sexual obsession’ for cutting off parts of his body had his own legs amputated as part of an insurance scam, officials in the UK said…”—New York Post A surgeon, exposed as a sleazewho envied his fresh amputees,was found guilty of fraud.Now, he’ll answer to Godundoubtedly down on his […]
by Clyde Always “Naked man wearing only balaclava and plastic clogs—and carrying sex toy on a stick—terrifies European tourists [in Slovakia]”—New York Post “Naked man in gimp mask caught on bizarre video prowling quiet town [in England]”—New York Post In two distinct casesa mask-wearing outlawwas spotted. One slinksand the other one struts. If asked what […]
by Clyde Always “A man with ‘boobs’ due to a rare condition is raising funds to have them removed because he is too [self-]conscious to take his top off on dates.”—New York Post Droopity-scoopity,Thabo of Nottinghamneeds a procedure but,sadly, he’s short. Give, if you’re able. Thisgynecomastiasufferer surely coulduse some support.
(very loosely inspired by recent events) by Clyde Always “Child rescued [by fire and EMS workers] after climbing into a claw machine arcade game”—ABC How did you lose all our savings, you fool?Did you fall for a hustle again playing pool?Or pick the last pony to circle the track?Or wager on red when you should’ve […]
by Clyde Always “South Carolina state troopers chase wild pig that halted traffic on busy interstate”—New York Post Higgledy-piggledy,South Carolinian,nearly outrunning acouple of cops, stoutly resisted andhyperaggressivelyoinked as the officersbusted his chops.