by Clyde Always “Some 7-Eleven convenience stores around the country, including in Texas and California, have started using roaring classical and opera music as a tactic to deter homeless people from camping out in front of their storefronts.” —New York Post Got hobos and tarps? Try oboes and harps.

by Clyde Always “Onions are so expensive in the Philippines they’re being smuggled into the country” —CNN Onions, lately: costly things. Thus, a rise in smuggling rings.

by Clyde Always “Dungeons & Dragons is Apparently Banned in Federal Prisons” —Reason A shakedown? That’s a lousy break. What exactly did they take? A pack of gum? A girlie-mag? A shiv? A blade? A plastic bag? Some powder or a sack of weed? Pruno, was it? Bump of speed? Syringes, maybe? Smack or ice? […]

by Clyde Always “At San Francisco restaurant, pups chow on filet mignon … Dogue, which rhymes with vogue, opened last month in the city’s trendy Mission District.” —AP News Slobbery, snobbery, Dogue’s culinarians bring the gastronomist out of your whelp; lauding its offerings’ palatability, four-legged foodies are likely to Yelp.

by Clyde Always “Protester accused of unleashing bee swarm on deputies to stop eviction” —The Washington Post In Massachusetts, Boys in Blue were injured when a protest grew. Assailants swarmed and caused a buzz. One wonders where the swat-team was…

by Clyde Always “[A] 14-foot skeleton was shamelessly hijacked in broad daylight from a front yard in a neighborhood in Austin, Texas.” —Fox News Sneakily, creakily, Halloween hijacker snatches a skeleton 14 feet tall; someone so brazenly kleptomaniacal must have the busiest closet of all.

by Clyde Always “U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers… in downtown El Paso seized more than 100 pounds of undeclared cheese Sept. 6.” —cbp.gov Cheesious, Seizious, CBP Officers implement bans that are clearly absurd. If you encounter these disciplinarians, penalties may or may not be in curd.

by Clyde Always “A Nebraska man paddled 38 miles down the Missouri River in an 846-pound pumpkin” —NBC News Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Hansen of Omaha grew, from a seedling, the vessel he oared. One might assume that this sexagenarian— snug in a pumpkin—is out of his gourd.

by Clyde Always “Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin delivered an emotional speech… touting her job performance and defending her right to have a private life after leaked videos showed the leader dancing and partying wildly.” —New York Post Dauntlessly, Flauntlessly, Marin, Prime Minister, faced her detractors and never lost heart. Want to eradicate phallocentricity? Take […]

by Clyde Always “Dermatologist arrested after her husband secretly recorded her allegedly poisoning him with Drano…” —NBC News Uckity, Yuckity Yu, Dermatologist, fed hubby Drano, the newspapers note. Maybe her motives weren’t toxicological; could be the man had a clog in his throat.

by Clyde Always “The metaverse platform Somnium Space plans to let its users’ personas live on. … Live Forever would instantiate a digital avatar of the user based on vast amounts of information collected as he or she interacts in Somnium Space” —Reason Virtual, Hirtual, Somnium Metaverse offers indelible life in the mesh. There, you’ll […]

by Clyde Always “Rep. Glenn Thompson Voted Against Same-Sex Marriage, Then Attended His Gay Son’s Wedding” —Rolling Stone This marriage-equality bill I abhorred. It flies in the face of the word of the Lord! Now, if you’ll excuse me… Would those in the room please all raise a glass to my son and his groom?

by Clyde Always “Hong Kong’s iconic giant floating restaurant capsizes in South China Sea” —USA Today A nautical eatery sank to its grave when rescuers found it too flooded to save. I bet it was cursed by a slip of the lip (some waitress had prayed for a newsworthy tip).

by Clyde Always “25 employees suffer burns after hot coal team-building event in Switzerland” —New York Post To break the ice, sometimes the Swiss walk barefoot over steaming coals. The argument for doing this, presumably, is full of holes.

by Clyde Always “The First Amendment Protects the Right To Put a Tiny Penis on a Beer Label” —Reason Sudsily, Pudsily Flying Dog Brewery proved in a trial, so righteously fought: banning of packaging’s unconstitutional whether it features a package or not.