by Clyde Always “Average penis length has grown in 30 years… Researchers fear the phallic inflation is due to unhealthy habits…” —New York Post “Health food” keeps you young and spry. “Soul food” raises spirits high. “Brain food” clears your mind of fuzz. Take a guess what “junk food” does.

by Clyde Always “Daniela Rendon, a luxury realtor in Florida, has been charged with fraudulently obtaining $381,000 in Covid-relief loans. … [Government exhibits included] screen grabs from Rendon’s social media showing her boarding a private jet…” —Rolling Stone Scam Uncle Sam? Lay off the Gram.

by Clyde Always “Officials in New Zealand announced this week that they have completed a massive seizure of cocaine at sea, calling it a ‘major financial blow’ to producers and traffickers of the drug.“ —High Times Bootily, tootily, Kiwi authorities captured a boatload of kilos and felt lively enough to then (idiomatically) boast of the […]

by Clyde Always “It’s Time To Legalize Haggis… An American medical doctor and author has petitioned the U.S. Department of Agriculture, asking the agency to lift a decades-old rule banning the use of lungs in food.” —Reason American as apple pie. Scottish as alveoli?

by Clyde Always “CHP Baffled As Same Sinkhole… Claims Three Vehicles—All Because Drivers Ignore Road Closure Signs” —SFist Barricade, Schmarricade! CHP Officers, vexed as preventable breakdowns abound, hyperemphatically warn against motorists driving their vehicles into the ground.

by Clyde Always “Women reveal they are deleting dating apps in favor of ‘hunting for husbands’ at HOME DEPOT…” —Daily Mail Endlessly swiping through dastardly duds? Head to Home Depot for quality studs.

by Clyde Always “Some 7-Eleven convenience stores around the country, including in Texas and California, have started using roaring classical and opera music as a tactic to deter homeless people from camping out in front of their storefronts.” —New York Post Got hobos and tarps? Try oboes and harps.

by Clyde Always “Onions are so expensive in the Philippines they’re being smuggled into the country” —CNN Onions, lately: costly things. Thus, a rise in smuggling rings.

by Clyde Always “Dungeons & Dragons is Apparently Banned in Federal Prisons” —Reason A shakedown? That’s a lousy break. What exactly did they take? A pack of gum? A girlie-mag? A shiv? A blade? A plastic bag? Some powder or a sack of weed? Pruno, was it? Bump of speed? Syringes, maybe? Smack or ice? […]

by Clyde Always “At San Francisco restaurant, pups chow on filet mignon … Dogue, which rhymes with vogue, opened last month in the city’s trendy Mission District.” —AP News Slobbery, snobbery, Dogue’s culinarians bring the gastronomist out of your whelp; lauding its offerings’ palatability, four-legged foodies are likely to Yelp.

by Clyde Always “Protester accused of unleashing bee swarm on deputies to stop eviction” —The Washington Post In Massachusetts, Boys in Blue were injured when a protest grew. Assailants swarmed and caused a buzz. One wonders where the swat-team was…

by Clyde Always “[A] 14-foot skeleton was shamelessly hijacked in broad daylight from a front yard in a neighborhood in Austin, Texas.” —Fox News Sneakily, creakily, Halloween hijacker snatches a skeleton 14 feet tall; someone so brazenly kleptomaniacal must have the busiest closet of all.

by Clyde Always “U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers… in downtown El Paso seized more than 100 pounds of undeclared cheese Sept. 6.” —cbp.gov Cheesious, Seizious, CBP Officers implement bans that are clearly absurd. If you encounter these disciplinarians, penalties may or may not be in curd.

by Clyde Always “A Nebraska man paddled 38 miles down the Missouri River in an 846-pound pumpkin” —NBC News Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Hansen of Omaha grew, from a seedling, the vessel he oared. One might assume that this sexagenarian— snug in a pumpkin—is out of his gourd.

by Clyde Always “Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin delivered an emotional speech… touting her job performance and defending her right to have a private life after leaked videos showed the leader dancing and partying wildly.” —New York Post Dauntlessly, Flauntlessly, Marin, Prime Minister, faced her detractors and never lost heart. Want to eradicate phallocentricity? Take […]