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Poems of the Week
How Hot Is Las Vegas?
by Paul Lander
Vegas is so hot
David Copperfield is now:
David Coppertone.
Rightful Display
by Felicia Nimue Ackerman
“New law requires all Louisiana public school classrooms to display the Ten Commandments”
—The Associated Press
Display the Ten Commandments?
This harebrained law invites
A sensible proposal:
Display the Bill of Rights!
Florida’s Lost
by Eddie Aderne
“Satanists to volunteer in Florida schools in protest at DeSantis religious bill
Satanic Temple objects to governor’s push for more religion in schools and says members
could act as student chaplains”
—The Guardian
Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven,
And best to work with kids around eleven.
All is not lost: the unconquerable will
Remains, to screw up Ron DeSantis’ bill.
Ah, little mudlings! League with you I seek
And mutual amity, to start next week:
Who’d like some cool new pledges? One, two, three:
Evil, be thou my good! Repeat with me!
Hello, Dolley
by Dan Campion
“This portrait of Dolley Madison might be the first photo of a first lady”
—NPR
You’re looking straight ahead at us,
Dear Dolley; what you see
Has set your prim coiffure a-muss.
You peer ironically,
With gimlet eyes and driest smile—
Your sense of style endures—
Our hostess for the ages, while
We act like perfect boors.
Unblownaparte
by Julia Griffin
“Pistols Napoleon planned to use to kill himself sold in France for €1.7m
Napoleon said to have tried to use the guns after defeat of French campaign,
but grand squire removed the gunpowder, so French ruler tried poison instead …
The richly decorated guns inlaid with gold and silver feature the engraved
image of Napoleon in full imperial pomp.
—The Guardian
Allons! Betrayed by cowards who refuse
To march on Paris, I, the unconquered, mean
To yield here to myself—the foe I choose:
It is tonight, I’m sorry, Josephine.
Here are my pistols, properly inlaid
With gold and silver and my portrait (fair,
Not all it might be). Think me not afraid,
Posterity: what heroes fear, I dare.
Prussia and Austria, cold Moscow too
Will learn in awe what majesty should be;
It is a far, far braver thing I do;
The final face I look upon is me,
An Emperor, self-crowned and never scared.
A short farewell to all my greatness!—Merde.
The Democrats’ Eleventh Hour
draws near. Oh,
for a Shapiro,
a Warnock, a Beshear! Oh,
for any available hero.
(Fetch
Gretch.)
~ Cody Walker
Must My Show Go On?
by Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
“It was the moment when millions of football fans held their breath.
England’s place in the Euro 2024 semi-finals had come down to a penalty shootout against Switzerland.
People watched at home, in pubs and in… London’s Old Vic Theatre.
James Corden’s play, The Constituent, was due to start at the same time… as the penalties.
But instead of ploughing on with the show, Corden went on stage and watched the sporting drama
with the audience and his fellow cast members.”
—BBC
Must I stop watching England play, and act?
Until I know the outcome of events,
Should I pretend my gut is not intact,
Then watch in hiding in the nearest gents?
My play and spot kicks both at once begin,
Yet I would rather be in Dusseldorf,
Soliloquizing on an England win.
How well this giant shoot-out goes will dwarf
Old Vic proceedings—must my show go on,
Without delay? What do my patrons say? …
Glued firmly to a spot-kick marathon
On smartphones, all are saying: Halt the play
Onstage—right now, the highest drama’s found
Not here, but on a German football ground!
Water Feature
by Steven Urquhart Bell
“Drinking this much water a day can help you lose weight, dietician says”
—Daily Express
Constantly sipping water through the day is
The secret to a slimmer, fitter you—
It fills you up and stops you overeating,
Because you’re always running for the loo.
(For more witty poems, read our current issue or visit our Poems of the Week archive)