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WEEK OF AUGUST 11

by Thomas Germana

“SpaceX launched disease-causing bacteria to the International Space Station”
—Live Science

I must admit, I’m not surprised
That that was brought in tow.
As much as it was ill-advised,
It is their CEO.

—The New York Times

by Bruce Bennett

It used to be Three Kings.
Now it is CEOs.
What progress history brings!
It used to be Three Kings.
Now there are no such things.
A Savior Heaven chose?
No way! We’ve different Kings
And bowing CEO’s.

by Chris O’Carroll

“I will be sworn in as an ICE agent, ASAP.”
–Former Superman actor Dean Cain

Dean’s new hero role is ICE-man.
What bad hombres he’ll expel
Once he dons the mask he’ll wear to
Bust illegals like Kal-El.

by Alex Steelsmith

“Hot dog spill closes Pennsylvania interstate”
—UPI

Squishily, squashily,
thousands of frankfurters
littered the interstate,
widely dispersed.

Notable experts in
accidentology
said that the problem was
frankly the wurst.

by Dan Campion

“Proposed spacecraft could carry up to 2,400 people on a one-way trip to the nearest star system,
Alpha Centauri”
—Live Science

The trip would take four hundred years,
And at the end’s a planet
That may sustain life, it appears.
Good luck to those who man it,
The ship they’ve named the Chrysalis.
I hope that when they scan it
The planet proves an isle of bliss
And butterfly wings fan it.

by Clyde Always

“Naked man wearing only balaclava and plastic clogs—and carrying sex toy on a stick—
terrifies European tourists [in Slovakia]”
—New York Post

“Naked man in gimp mask caught on bizarre video prowling quiet town [in England]”
—New York Post

In two distinct cases
a mask-wearing outlaw
was spotted. One slinks
and the other one struts.

If asked what the photos
of both of these fugitives
clearly expose, I would
answer: they’re nuts.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“‘Richard Osman made £10m, I made £250’: The money novelists really make”
—The i Paper

Instead of spending ages writing novels
For hardly any money, why not rhyme?
There isn’t any money in it either,
But poems take a fraction of the time.

by Stephen Gold

“Want to seem sexier? Ditch the Lamborghini, buy a hatchback.”
—The Times

Men! Don’t buy a Lamborghini,
Girls will think your pecker’s teeny.
Buy a small sedan instead,
That’ll get ‘em into bed!

by Steven Kent

“ICE entices new recruits with patriotism pitch and pledge of $50,000 signing bonuses”
—The Guardian

Come sign with ICE; we’ll pay your price,
With bonus for employment.
Our squad’s elite—you’ll rule the street,
You’ll cosplay cops, raid schools and shops.
Tear kids away from moms today
For duty and enjoyment!

Men, sign with ICE, that’s our advice
To patriots in waiting:
Come show your stuff (we like it rough).
We’ll make you feel your manhood’s real—
We always ask you wear a mask
And tough-guy armor plating.

So sign with ICE—we don’t play nice
Or follow legal stricture.
Our budget’s large with Noem in charge;
We’re spreading fear both far and near;
It’s might makes right, it’s black and white,
And that’s our kind of picture!