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WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 8

by Marshall Begel

“[A political party in the UK] picked a woman who had been dead for six months as their candidate for… mayor”
—The London Economic

She’ll serve out her terms among beetles and worms,
immune to extortion and fraud.
You never will find our pick changing her mind,
unless it gets partially gnawed.

With rigor and cunning, we’ll triumph by running
the truest of grass-roots campaigns.
She may decompose, but our loyalty shows
our confidence in her remains.

by Bruce Bennett

“In a Hot Mic Moment, Xi and Putin Muse About Living Forever …
Kim Jong-un… appeared to be listening in through another translator.”
—The New York Times

Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Xi
wish to always, always be.

By their people worshipped, they
feel it is their right to stay.

More than that, it is their duty!
Lords of Life, and Love, and Beauty,

Who could wish them something less?

What? Who said that? You. Confess!

by Steven Kent

“Trump fortune balloons by billions after family firm’s crypto token starts trading”
—The Guardian

“He gives away his wages,” they all say
Robotically, like reading from a script. Oh
Well, the truth will taunt them on that day
They learn they’ve lost a fortune on his crypto.

by Clyde Always

“A surgeon with a ‘sexual obsession’ for cutting off parts of his body had his own legs amputated
as part of an insurance scam, officials in the UK said…”
—New York Post

A surgeon, exposed as a sleaze
who envied his fresh amputees,
was found guilty of fraud.
Now, he’ll answer to God
undoubtedly down on his knees.

by Steven Urquhart Bell

“The rise of dog-friendly cinema screenings: ‘We never have to break up
fights—there’s enough trouble with the humans’”
—The Guardian

I take the dogs to Rin Tin Tin and Lassie,
To teach them to be loyal, smart and brave,
And then I line up Cujo and I tell them,
“And here’s what happens when you misbehave.”

by Thomas Germana

“Fast-fashion giant Shein has launched an investigation after an image of Luigi Mangione—
accused of murdering UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson in New York last year—
was used to model a shirt.”
—BBC

The reason why
They used the guy
Is really not a mystery:
He’s super hot.
It’s ‘cause he’s got
Those killer looks (allegedly).

by Matt Schatz

“A Standing Ovation Epidemic Breaks Out in Venice [Film Festival]”
—Spyglass

For nearly a quarter of an hour,
All in attendance stood clapping—
A testament to the invigorating power
Of napping.

by Dan Campion

“Mysterious Skull Fused to Cave Wall Could Belong to a Rare Human Species”
—ScienceAlert

Forgive me, but Flash Gordon knew
Exactly what we’re dealing with:
The Clay People of Mars. What’s true,
These days? Bet on the xenolith.

by Marshall Begel

“[Bill Belichick’s girlfriend, Jordon Hudson] filed a trademark application on Monday for the phrase ‘gold digger…”
—The New York Times

One strategy, when words are brash,
is turning insults chic,
like when computer systems crash
we seek the mighty “Geek.”

Another method I have seen
(although I don’t condone it)
is using vast amounts of green
to literally own it.

by Julia Griffin

“Darth Vader’s lightsaber sells at auction for over $3.6 million”
—CBS

The blade was on the auction block! A chance so rich and rare
Attracted fans from all this planet’s nations.
The winner must be walking now on sky—I mean, on air—
Heart still astir with palpatineations.