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by Gail White

“Collector eats world-famous 6.2 million dollar banana”
—CNN

When I was young, before I knew what art was all about,
I tried to charge a million dollars for a Brussels sprout.
I put it on a pedestal and placed it under glass,
but all the critics told me not to be a silly ass.
I little knew that all the wealth I dreamed of would befall
if only I had duct-taped a banana to the wall.

I could have sold that sucker for 6 million (lucky me!)
to some fat cat whose billions came from cryptocurrency.
And he’d have eaten it before it had a chance to rot,
but I’d have said, “Who cares?” while spending all the dough I’d got!
I’m feeling quite embittered at the way my life turned out…
I might have gone bananas, but I backed a Brussels sprout.

by Dan Campion

“Archaeologists Uncover 60,000-Year-Old Complex Structure Created by Neanderthals”
—SciTechDaily

Oh, how the headline raised my hope
Neanderthals had built
A Parthenon! What depth! What scope!
Why do my spirits wilt?
Sad news. The “structure” underground,
So long detached from view,
Was apt but somewhat less profound:
A pit for making glue.

by Julia Griffin

“Vandals Destroy Ebenezer Scrooge’s Fictional Tombstone Featured in a Film Adaptation of ‘A Christmas Carol’”
—Smithsonian

He saved his curtains; not, alas, his grave,
Now smashed to pieces. What a shock for him!
He’d thought the world embraced him and forgave:
He helped the Cratchits, cherished Tiny Tim,
Showered charity on all, and turkeys too,
Kept Christmas all year round—yet still that huge,
Appalling fear, the unloved tomb, came true.
No friends remain for EBENEZER SCROOGE.

So it appeared. But look again: you’ll find
Full restitution, gratis! It turns out
All that’s required of us is to be kind;
Scrooge learned the lesson, put those ghouls to rout,
And passed it on to us. The harm’s undone;
The name’s made new. God bless us, every one!

by Bruce Bennett

“There’s only so much resistance that Republican senators can muster.
Only so many times that lap dogs this thoroughly muzzled can bark.”
—op-ed in The New York Times

Do not expect a bloodbath.
There won’t be barks and yaps.
These tamed dogs will stay quiet.
Oh, just a few perhaps

May growl a bit or whimper
to show the way they feel,
but they will still stay muzzled
and, when they’re told to, heel.

by Marshall Begel

“Target gives Santa Claus a ‘weirdly hot’ makeover in viral ad”
—The Independent

There’s a rumor that Santa has got a new look
aimed at middle-aged women, attempting to hook
them with various fanciful products (if bought, he
might list them as someone a little bit naughty).

So, whether you’re needing a hand from an elf or
prefer to go solo (a do-it-yourself-er),
New Santa leaves other stores looking diminished
By guiding your efforts until you have finished.

Forget about sugar plums, milk and a cookie—
This year you’ll have visions of Santa Claus nookie.

by Alex Steelsmith

“World’s largest iced latte served in 11-foot-high cup… to break the Guinness World Record
… [and portioned out] to more than 300 [people].”
—UPI

Happy, snappy
latte lovers
saw their chance and
took a shot.

How much latte
fit inside the
record-breaking
cup? A latt.

by Stephen Gold

“Good heavens! Work starts on Família’s spire after 140 years.”
—The Times

As we gawp at Gaudi’s vision inching slowly to the skies,
That it’s still unfinished business shouldn’t come as a surprise.
For as anyone who’s ever used a builder will recall,
Delays like this are only too familia to us all.

—BBC

by Bruce Bennett

Hooray for Wisdom! May she thrive!
Not only is she still alive,
She’s laid an egg and has a mate.
She’s proof that it is not too late

At any age to play the game.
Buck up! It could be just the same
for you. Unfold your wings and soar.
Have flings. Dance jigs. Live more, and more!

Don’t let them tell you you are through.
That wouldn’t be fair and isn’t true!
Age brings great joy, as well as loss.
At least, if you’re an albatross.