by Julia Griffin
“Companies that divest from fossil fuel could face a state boycott in Texas”
—NPR
(with apologies to The Beatles)
Ah, look at all the phony people!
Ah, look at all the phony people!
Governor Abbott,
Wouldn’t know ozone depletion from holes in his head—
Here’s what he said:
“Boycott divesters!
Earth’s getting sultrier? a) it’s a fiction, and b)
Run your AC!”
All the phony people,
Where do they all come from?
Dumb and mean and greedy,
And lethal as a bomb.
Fossils in Texas,
Spewing out unctuous garbage that poisons the air:
What could they care?
Solar’s for losers,
Let the New Yorkers disfigure their roofs with tin foil:
Texas likes oil!
All the phony people,
So brash and loud and wrong;
Voters, learn (be speedy!)
Just where they all belong.
by Iris Herriot
“Mississippi teacher fired for reading I Need a New Butt! to children”
—The Guardian
A school board banned this book for smut
(This tale is not a hoax),
And thus became the brand new butt
Of everybody’s jokes.
by Scot Slaby
“Hong Kong is to close government-managed beaches again … after photos
of busy Hong Kong beaches went viral on Chinese social media.”
—Hong Kong Free Press
Higgledy-piggledy
Hong Kong’s new policy
kowtows to Mainlanders:
beaches are closed.
Meanwhile most revelers
frolic in eateries
two per each table with
faces exposed.
by Steve Bremner
Inflation “jumped 7.9 percent over the [past year], the sharpest spike since 1982.
That means Pennsylvania residents paid more than 17 percent more for meat, poultry and eggs,
10.9 percent more for cereals, and 5.4 percent more for fruits and vegetables.”
—Patch.com
Ethical schmethical
Fine Philadelphians
Turn vegetarian,
Vegan, and lean,
Shunning the cheesesteak and
Hyperobesity:
Saving our Gaia? No,
Saving their Green.
by Julia Griffin
“Giant potato is not actually a potato, says Guinness World Records…
A New Zealand couple who believed they had dug up the world’s largest potato
in the garden of their small farm near Hamilton have had their dreams turned to mash.”
—The Irish Times
The giant tuber known as Doug
Has left New Zealand less than smug:
He’s lost his claim (it seemed so good!)
To Guinness-class potatohood.
What can we learn from this? It’s moot;
Perhaps don’t root for every root?
What’s excavated from the mud
Will sometimes fail to be a spud.
by Steven Urquhart Bell
A white rhino named Queenie “is the latest in a series of animals at the park to be named after
members of the royal family.”
—The Independent
The precious arrivals are given the names
Of persons of royal distinction.
They’re part of a program of breeding which aims
To counter the threat of extinction.
But too small a gene pool can make itself felt,
If suitable partners are few.
There’s always the risk of compounding a fault—
It happens in animals, too.
by Ruth S. Baker
“‘Quantum hair’ could resolve Hawking’s black hole paradox, say scientists”
—The Guardian
That paradox I don’t condemn
(I lack the brains to doubt it)
But as to this new theorem,
I’m quite enthused about it.
That spacetime gaps are bald and bare
Has never had me spitting,
But when I think of Einstein, hair
Does seem a lot more fitting.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Cold War-style chill settles over Russia…”
—The Los Angeles Times
Seven Russian oligarchs “are barred from conducting any financial transaction in the UK.”
—The Guardian
Jiggery-pokery,
Russia’s top oligarchs
shiver to learn what a
Cold War can do:
Chill their transactions and
unsympathetically
freeze their gargantuan
assets off too.
by Bruce Bennett
That Putin’s a throwback it’s true.
But what is he throwing back to?
The Czars are passé.
They’ve called it a day.
So what will he have when he’s through?
A Russia that’s bankrupt and grim.
Oh sure, he’ll still go to the gym
And hang out with cronies,
Those gangsters and phonies
Who’ve modeled themselves after him.
by Bruce Bennett
“Putin is a terrible communicator to begin with; …. [H]is KGB instructors found him withdrawn and
tight-lipped, and even his former wife understood him so poorly that,
when he was proposing marriage, she thought he was breaking things off.”
—The Washington Post
No wonder the man is upset.
To others his “da” may mean “nyet.”
Let’s hope he speaks clearly,
Or all may pay dearly.
What’s clear is, his threat is a threat.
by Alex Steelsmith
“Natural gas is once again front and center after Russian Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak
warned that Moscow could halt its exports to Germany and the rest of Europe…”
—MSN
“[E]ven during the peak of the Cold War, the Soviet Union did not resort to such extreme tactics…
Countries in Europe depend heavily on natural gas from Russia to… heat homes.”
—Firstpost
Sinister Minister,
Vladimir’s deputy
warns Europeans their
gas is controlled
mainly by Russia, whose
dictator knows how to
unmetaphorically
make a war cold.
by Steven Kent
“Oil and Gas Lobbyists Are Using Ukraine to Push for a Drilling Free-for-all in The United States”
—The Guardian
It matters not how much we kill
Or if we cause a major spill;
The time is right—drill, baby, drill!
The moment’s here for seizing.
Prepare to take a victory lap
Since Putin chose to pull this crap;
Our governments will crush that sap
And leave his people freezing.
Let’s make the most of what we found.
Quick, move those giant rigs around!
Great opportunities abound,
But sanctions might start easing.
We must act now; we cannot wait.
Tomorrow will be much too late—
By then the crisis could abate,
And that would not be pleasing.
by Dan Campion
“As gas prices surge, here’s how to get the most out of your tank”
—NPR
We thought we’d learn “to get the most,”
Direct from General Patton’s ghost—
A soul undead as Ulalume’s—
Like how to run a tank on fumes,
But get, instead, some gaseous tips,
A glovebox-full, for dull car trips.
by David Hedges
Apple now has Air, for what it’s worth,
And everyone’s aware of Google Earth.
Amazon, to make their tablet hotter,
Chose Fire. What’s left for Microsoft but Water?
by Ruth S. Baker
“Bottles, cans, batteries: octopuses found using litter on seabed:
Creatures seen using discarded items for shelter or to lay eggs,
highlighting ‘extreme ability to adapt’”
—The Guardian
FOR SALE OR RENT: sweet condo, looks bespoke;
Would suit up-coming octopus or squid;
Views on all sides (except where labelled “Coke”);
Good “fixer-upper” (Note: excluding lid).
With boho shabby-chic, it’s also light:
Could be a trailer or a mobile home—
Keep little tentacles all tucked in tight
When Mommy feels the urge to roam the foam!
Though applicants all get a fair review,
The COA will favour those with cash
(Coral or shells), plus proved commitment to
Responsible disposal of their trash.
Be thoughtful and recycle it, with care,
On private beaches! It is welcome there.
